…… with Little Bit, the new love of my life.
Well,hopefully not the last night forever. But my last night during his first week of life.
Daughter #3 came last Saturday and stayed wtih us. It was way too difficult for her to be in NY, away from the closest person to her, her twin, and the baby. It was so nice to be able to spend time with both of them.
And then Son #1 came in on Sunday to spend the day wtih all of us. The love and support that my children show to each other warms my heart and makes me very emotional. If the other three had been at points in their lives that would make travel possible, I know they would’ve been here, too.

Tomorrow I head back to NY.
And I have no doubt that there will be some tears shed before I go. And maybe during the flight. When Daughter #3 left I volunteered to stay home, saying that I’d be cleaning the house, which I did. But the real reason I stayed behind was because I knew that I’d be crying buckets watching the two of them part. I knew that they would both cry over being separated, and especially Daughter #3 being separated from Little Bit.
Bless her heart …… she had to head straight to the ladies room to try to pull herself together, because she was crying very hard.

Babies! Dang, the can bring out so much love and joy and then knock you to your knees when you have to leave them.
Which is what will happen to me tomorrow morning.

But I’ll be back. I’ll be in NY for two weeks and then back to Texas. Before Little Bit came into our lives I was thinking that I’d be in Texas for about a week, and then I’d head straight back to NY.
Now …… not so much.

It’s interesting how fast your life can change.
Both in good ways …… and bad.

Our lives changed horrifically in the span of a few hours, almost 7 years ago. And though things are finally good, and my life has gone in so many wonderful directions, it will never be the life I’m overjoyed with.
But it is the life I have, and so I plan to make the most, and best, of it.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned these past 7 years, it’s this …… flexibilty is key.
Again, life can, and often will, change in a heartbeat. Sometimes it’s loss, sometimes it’s new life.

This has been an amazing week. I’ve loved spending time holding, rocking and loving this new little life. I have no idea what his future holds …… but then, I have no idea what the future of my children, or myself, holds. And so I know that today is the day that matters. Today is the day to show this child, and my children, and everyone I love …… that they are loved.
I love this new little life.
I don’t know how long he’ll be in our lives. Daughter #2 and I don’t discuss that much. We sometimes comment about the “mom”, and all that she must be feeling. We also make plans to do things that will keep her in the loop …… like buying two baby books. One for Daughter #2 to fill out and keep all of the precious memories recorded. And one for his mother, which D#2 will also fill out, so that she’ll be able to see some of his “firsts”, and be able to feel like she was connected in some way.

We don’t know how long he’ll be in our lives, which is very difficult to think about. I held him the other night, and talked to him about the future that I hoped for him. I wondered if the love we give him now will make a difference in his life. I pray that God protects his body and his soul, and honors the love that has been, and will continue to be, poured into him.

And though we don’t spend a lot of time talking about her, I do think of his mother …… often. I think of the pain she must be feeling with her empty arms. I wonder about the pain she also feels from full breasts that can’t be relieved by her son. I wonder if she lies awake at night, wondering about the home he’s in, and the people who are taking care of him.
I wonder if she wonders if he’s feeling loved.
I wish there was some way to reassure her …… to let her know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he is THE most loved little boy on the face of this earth.

As for him, he is the most remarkable baby I’ve ever seen. No kidding.. And I’ve had six of my own wonderful babies …… but none of them compare to the easy-going, laid back, contented personality that this child has.
Truthfully, we have yet to hear him really cry. He makes noises a lot. And he can whimper a bit and sound totally pathetic. But he hasn’t ever really cried. He eats every two to three hours, and when that time comes, he makes small noises and opens and closes his mouth, like a little bird.
It’s kind of insane.

He doesn’t cry when you change his diaper. He doesn’t cry when you undress/dress him. He doesn’t cry when you bathe him. He doesn’t cry when he’s hungry. And so far, he doesn’t seem to get upset over anything enough to cry.

I had baby duty last night, so that D #2 could get a full night’s sleep. I’ll have it again tonight because, as I told her, she might as well take advantage of the last chance she’ll get to sleep through the night.

He woke up three times to be fed. And I enjoyed snuggling with him against me, as I fed him. I didn’t mind losing one second of sleep. I figure I can catch up when I get back to NY. I can always sleep …… but I’ll never have this time again.

So for those of you who pray, I ask that you pray for this tiny soul. I pray that the love we pour into him will somehow make a difference in his life.
I pray for his mother. I pray that, when the time comes for her to be reunited with this special child, she’ll be more than ready and equipped. I pray that she and her family will continue to pour love into him. And I pray that they will all know the love of God, and the power that love has.

And I pray for Daughter #2. I pray that she loves this child enough to be able to do what’s best for him. I pray that she loves his mother with an endless love. And I pray that God fill her heart with peace and joy over this child …… and what his future holds.

I have been so blessed to be a part of his life this week. And blessed to share him with my amazing daughter. She’s the most selfless, loving and brave person I know. I’d love to take credit for that, but I can’t. She is a child of God. And she has followed Him to this place in her life.

She has an amazing support system here in Waco, through her amazing church family and the people she works with.
She, and this child, are loved …… and supported.
What more could a mother want for her daughter?

So I leave tomorrow.
But I’ll be back.
And I’ll continue to support and encourage her …… and pour an endless supply of love into this tiny baby …… for as long as I can.

I am indeed blessed among women.

…… and wonderous thing.
It can continue to grow and hold more love inside it, even as it constantly works on mending itself. Even after it’s been torn in half.

I’m going to do my very best to not cry while I write this, but it’s doubtful that I’ll succeed, because I’ve been crying at the drop of a hat for the last few days.
You’d think I was the one who gave birth, what with the level of emotions that rise up inside me, threatening to rush out of my eyes and my throat.
I keep swallowing them down, as best I can, but that doesn’t always work …… like today in church, for example.

For those of you who have yet to hear my latest, and by far biggest, news …… Daughter #2 became a foster mom Friday.   She decided a long time ago that she wanted to do this, married or single, and so …… rather than wait around to see if Mr. RIght came along, she decided to do what she wanted to do, now, rather than later.
I wonder where she gets that??

Anyway, I visited her about a month ago to help get her home ready to have children.
We thought it might happen quickly, once she finished all of the paper work, the inspections, the hoop-jumping and the I’s and T’s were all dotted and crossed.
And it did.

Last week I flew to Canada for our first ever international Camp Widow, in Toronto. It was a long day. I flew from NY to Montreal, and then on to Toronto. I got to the hotel, dumped my bag in my room and then went downstairs to start helping out. I had not been at the hotel for even an hour when my phone rang. I picked it up, saw D#2’s name, and said, “Uh oh!” to my friends, M and D and D.  I knew exactly what was about to happen.
Because …… hello?!! I’m in Toronto!

Yes, Daughter #2 had been called. It seemed a mom was being induced that day so would she be willing to take the baby, as long as he/she was healthy? After thinking about it for a bit, she jumped at it. When she called me that’s all she knew. We didn’t know when the baby would be born, or how long after birth it would take for her to get the baby. But we knew it would be before the weekend was out.
Because …… of course.  Camp Widow Canada!!!

I immediately started searching for flights and found a few that I could swing on Saturday. I had three workshops scheduled for Friday, but none to lead on Saturday, so I hoped that Saturday would be the day the baby would be placed with her.
It was placed on Friday.
Of course.
Because nothing in my life seems to go flawlessly, right?!

She called me Thursday night at around 9:00 or so to inform me of the placement. So back to the internet I went, seeing if I could find a flight that would leave late enough for me to get two of my workshops done, and I’d find someone to cover the afternoon event.

Let’s just say that there are not a whole lotta options when trying to fly out of Toronto and into Waco, TX.
By the time I found a flight and finally clicked on “Purchase”, I received a message that someone else had beaten me to it.
So I started over and was finally successful. I found a flight that would depart at 2:15, meaning I could leave the hotel at 12:30, which was the time the second workshop would end.

I re-packed my bag Thursday night and got everything ready to head out the next day.
But by Friday morning I was a nervous wreck. I realized that the 2nd workshop would be very intense and I suddenly couldn’t remember how I was supposed to handle the discussions in there. My mind had gone blank. But I did remember that several people stay after and need more time to share and process, which meant there really was no way in hell that I would get out of that hotel by 12:30.
And then I remembered that I was outside of the U.S. …… which meant…… Customs.
Oh my word, there was a huge panic monster residing in my stomach, threatening to jump up and out of my throat, screaming at the top of its lungs.
Fortunately I ran into M on my way to the first workshop. She informed me that there was no way I could leave at 12:30 if I did the second workshop, AND there was no way I’d be able to concentrate with everything going on in my head/life. I already felt bad that I wasn’t going to be able to lead the afternoon workshop, so I hated to bail on the second one, but she was totally right. She told me that she’d lead it, which truthfully, did a wonderful job of calming down the panic monster. He left my throat and settled into my stomach, where he usually resides during times of stress.
Thank you, M. ❤

So I led the first workshop and then left for the airport, made the flight and even, surprisingly made the next flight out of DFW to Waco. Because DFW is a hella-big airport and I never arrive in the terminal where my connection is. And I had less than 30 minutes by the time I got off of the plane. So I ran through that airport, cursing it along the way. Especially since I hadn’t eaten anything ALL day and didn’t have time now to grab something (as I had hoped).

But I made that flight and it was very short. In fact, the flight attendant came over the speaker and she told everyone they could now bring out their laptops and electronics …… and I kid you not …… the pilot came on less than 60 seconds later and told us that we were starting our descent so we had to pack up our electronics.
Really?!

A friend of the girls picked me up at the airport (Daughter #2 was still on the road and would not be getting in until 9:00 p.m.). So we went to Target and loaded up on all things baby.
Then went to the house to unpack it all, launder it, clean the house, and get everything ready.

And then they were home.

And my mending heart grew another size.

Now, as I hold him, feed him, change his diaper, I marvel at his perfection.
But also as I hold him, I look into his eyes and I cry.
I cry for the joy of him.
I cry for his mother (who hopes to be reunited with him in a few months).
I cry for joy for Daughter #2.
I cry for the pain and tearing of the heart that she will most likely experience.
I cry for the missing of Jim, and for him …… missing this.
I cry for him not being here to watch the love and joy in Daughter #2’s face and eyes.
I cry for the pain I’ll feel when all I have to do is leave in a few days.
And then I cry for the heart-rending that my all-too-torn-up heart will have to feel again in a few months.
Another loss.
Over someone who has firmly placed his tiny fingers around my finger, and around my heart.

My daughter is the bravest person I know.
I’m so very proud of her.
I love her so fiercely that I can not bear the thought of the pain she will certainly feel when it’s time to let this little angel go.

We want the best for him. We try to focus on the mom, and all she’s missing right now. We try our best to focus on being happy/thrilled for her, knowing Daughter #2 is keeping him safe and loved for her.

But with the passing of each minute with this tiny little being, whom no one knew about 5 days ago, that focus gets fuzzier and fuzzier.

So for now, we focus on now. And only now.
And hope that the peace, comfort and strength of God, will get us through “then”.

…… because I walked all over the town of Hoboken today.
Seriously.

I left the apartment at 9:00 to head to the southern most point of Manhattan. As in Wall Street/the Financial District/the World Trade Center.
I didn’t get home until 7:00 p.m.
Oh, my word …… my body hates me right now.
But it was worth it.
🙂

So, I made my way to the ferry terminal down there, and met up with several friends from the Manhattan Women’s Club.
I know what you’re thinking. “A women’s club?! Sounds very snobby to me!”.
I get it.
I thought that the first time I heard about it.
But trust me, this is a group of some of the friendliest women I’ve ever met. Most of them have lived all over the world, so they’re used to making new friends and accepting people easily.
And there are so many events/lunches/book club meetings that it’s hard to keep up with them all.
I love it.

Today we went on a tour of Hoboken.
The weather was perfect for a tour of any place, but Hoboken was pretty dang cool. It’s changed a lot since the days of “On the Waterfront” and Frank Sinatra.
Like night and day.
It’s now a hugely popular city and housing is expensive and scarce.
It’s a lovely city and I can see why anyone would want to live there. I mean, heck, it’s got the best dang view of the NYC skyline.

I took a ton of pictures.
And hopefully I’ll share them with you …… one day.
But tonight is not that day.
I’m pooped.
I’m beyond pooped.
And I have to leave the apartment tomorrow morning at 8:00 a.m. to head for the airport ….. and then take two flights to Toronto.
Camp Widow goes international this weekend.
I know!!!

So instead, I’ll give you a list of things I observed yesterday while walking around Manhattan/sitting in Columbus Circle for an hour.
It probably won’t be as interesting as Hoboken, but there you go.
Beggars can’t be choosers.
I have no idea why I wrote that.

OK, here are my observations from yesterday:

1. I watched a man and a woman pushing strollers that held 6 (SIX!) toddlers. Each. For a total of 12 (TWELVE!) kids. And yes, they were obviously child care workers, but still …… 12 (TWELVE!!).

2. As I sat in Columbus Circle I noticed a young woman sitting near me. She was listening to music (like 98.9% of the people who walk around Manhattan). And she was waiting for someone, though I didn’t know it until she got up and ran to a much older man who was walking towards us. They grabbed each other and hugged. And hugged. And hugged. And hugged.
It was an abnormally long hug, which made it all the better.
They were evidently thrilled to see each other, and she, especially, could not let go of him.
It was a pretty neat sight.
And then I noticed what he was wearing.
Which may or may not have made it more cool.
He had on green velvet pants …… bright green.
He also had two different pairs of boots on his feet. Not that he had both pairs on, but he had one boot on his right foot, and a whole ‘nother boot on his left.
He was a bit …… eclectic.
I would’ve loved to know what their relationship was and what he did for a living.

3. There’s been a huge crackdown on cyclists in Central Park over the weekend. That’s because a woman was killed when a cyclist hit her. So I watched policemen make cyclists get off of their bikes when they came into Columbus Circle, heading towards the Park. Which was nice because a lot of times those guys ride all over the sidewalks, where there’s supposed to be NO bike riding.

4. The temps were in the high 60’s/low 70’s yesterday. Which made some people dress in shorts …… and others in jackets and scarves.
Really?!

5. I am now in a ton of photos that were taken in Columbus Circle yesterday afternoon. Without even photo bombing a single person.

6. People watching outdoors in New York is WAY better than people watching elsewhere. With the exception of Schlitterbahn in New Braunfels, Texas …… where it appears that most people don’t own a mirror.

7.Sometimes, if you sit long enough, you get free samples.

8. Columbus Circle at 3:00 p.m. is a pretty decent place to sit and people watch on a gorgeous fall afternoon.

9. Some girls’ school uniform skirts are WAY too short.

And, for the 10th thing I observed in Columbus Circle ……

10. I am thanking God that my three sons have better taste than this guy:

See you from Canada, Peeps.
🙂