Tag Archives: Living

The Longer I Live Here ……

…… the more I love this city.

That’s not to say that it doesn’t have its faults.
Because it does.
As does any city.

The streets are FULL of obnoxious drivers who lay on their horns …… even and especially when the cars in front of them are unable to move …… unless they want to plow through pedestrians who have the right of way.
I’m a little touchy on this. I’ve been known to give the evil eye to the horn blowers, and …… if their windows are down, ask them what the heck they expect the other drivers to do.
It’s a waste of breath and energy.
They don’t care.
I think they just like to lay on their horns.
I’m working on letting go of this one.
It’s a work in progress.

The sidewalks are full of sidewalk rage (as opposed to road rage). Not always and not everywhere. But every once in a while you look up and see a pedestrian barreling towards you and you instantly know that he/she isn’t going to tuck their shoulder in at the last minute. If you don’t tuck yours …… someone, or perhaps both of you, is going to end up with a dislocated shoulder.
I have avoided this thus far. Though I think there have been several close calls.
I think it’s the New Yorker’s way of playing “chicken”.

But these things are a small price to pay for the fun, excitement, entertainment and just plain weirdness of living in this amazing city.

I can understand most of the weird stuff. I get the sidewalk rage. I don’t get the over usage of car horns, but as I said, I’m working on letting that go.
I get the total awe of first time visitors, which makes them stop smack dab in the middle of a busy sidewalk and stare at their surroundings. Especially near Times Square where one might be bowled right over if one stops too long.
I understand how people can get lost in the Park and I try to help them as best I can.
I also get that the subways can seem seem very overwhelming to first time users, though it really doesn’t take long to understand them.

However, there is still one thing about the subways that I do NOT understand. In fact, I have yet to meet anyone here in NY who does get this particular thing.
I’ve thought about sending it in to Jimmy Fallon, or Stephen Colbert, or maybe Matt Lauer. But I’m doubtful that anyone can explain this extraordinarily bizarre item.

This is it:

This is a sign that you can find inside most subway cars, stating the emergency instructions. It tells you what to do in case of, 1. Fire, 2. Medical Emergency, 3. If you need the Police, and 4. If you need to evacuate the car.

If you’re like any good New Yorker, or a so-so visitor, you read these signs so that you’ll know what to do, or not do, in the event that an emergency happens while you’re lucky enough to be riding the subway.

Go ahead and read through the instructions.
I’ll wait.
Don’t worry …… I’ll catch up on Fallon while I’m waiting.

Done? It doesn’t really take that long to read through them.
Did you notice a prevailing theme throughout these instructions?
There were two.

First of all, above all else, no matter what happens, or who’s attacking you, or what weapons are present, or even who’s on board (like say, the President of the United States …… and yes, I know that’s highly unlikely), or for any reason WHATSOEVER …… do NOT PULL THE EMERGENCY CORD.
No way.
No how.
No matter how much carnage is in the car.
Or how high the water level gets.
Or how hot the fire roars.
Or how many people are having heart attacks.
Or how many people claim to be suicide bombers.

Do NOT, EVER, EVER,EVER, pull that cord.
And, although you can’t see it in this picture …… the emergency cord is just above this sign.
In every car.

Which begs the question …… what in the hell is the cord for?!

The instructions also tell you to notify a crew member if any of these scenarios occur.
Which might lead you to believe that there are crew members floating all over the place in the subway cars.
You would be wrong to believe that.
Dead wrong.
Excuse the dark humor there.
🙂

I’ve only noted one crew member on any train. And he/she is the person in charge of driving it. All alone in their little cubicle, somewhere in the middle of the train.
So good luck with letting one of them know that the car you’re riding in has suddenly become combustible.
Or loaded with a suspicious white powder.
Or gang bangers.
(I’m kidding! There are no gang bangers in NY!) 🙂

If you’ve never been to NY, please come visit this amazing city.
There’s more to do and see than you’ll most likely have time for.
Transportation is easier than you think.
Make yourself at home.
Don’t be afraid to ask for directions/help.
Don’t be afraid to eat off of the many food carts around the city.
You can feel totally safe in Central Park.
And Times Square.
Even at night.

Enjoy every part of the city.

Just make sure that you DO NOT, EVER, NEVER, NO WAY, NO HOW, NO MATTER WHAT ……
pull the subway emergency cord.

I think, that if you can figure out what the role of the emergency cord actually is …… you might win a key to the city.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

I’m not sure about that.

There’s a lot I’m not sure of.

Pulling the emergency cord is not one of those things.
Don’t even think about it.

If I ever get up the nerve to pull it, I’ll let you know what happens.
🙂

On The Way Home From Church ……

Thank You ……

5 Replies

…… to those of you who understood.
Or tried to understand.
My last post.

It was nice not to have to read the “judgey” posts that some people have written in the past.
No judgement is needed.
At least, not in my opinion.

I write what I write …… because it’s inside of me and I need to get it out.
Yes, I could write it down ……. and then delete it. But I don’t believe that’s what I’m called to do.
I write it down …… and publish it …… because there are so many others out there who feel what I feel.
And so we connect.
This is my calling.
It certainly won’t change anything.

Jim is dead.
I know he’s dead.
I know he’s never coming back.
No matter what I want.
No matter what I wish for.
He’s dead.

Someone asked me this yesterday: “Are you still grieving?”
I was a bit surprised by that question.
I answered truthfully.
“Yes, I will always grieve for him. Always.”
But I’m no longer in the dark, cold, all-consuming grief that once was.
Thankfully.

His death no longer occupies my every waking moment, my every thought, my every breath.
But I will grieve for him until my last dying breath.
This I know.
And this I can live with.

But my days, my life, are not consumed by my grief.
I continue to live.
I continue to find joy.
With grief in the background.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching lately.
Truthfully, it hasn’t been a difficult job.
Before I continue with this post, I need to tell you that I am not writing this as a “woe is me” post. I’m not looking for sympathy, or a “poor you” attitude.
It is what it is.
And it’s for me to deal with.

I never took Jim for granted.
Hard to believe?
Probably.
But if you were to read through all of my journals …… you’d see that it’s true.
I always thanked God for giving Jim to me.
Always.
I never took him for granted.

And now, I know why.

I never, ever felt good enough to have married him.
I never, ever felt that I deserved him.
Ever.

I have no idea why …… I wonder if anyone ever knows …… why they feel so undeserving.
But I did.
I’ve never felt that I was “good enough”.
And I certainly never felt “good enough” for Jim.
Never.

I was so thankful for him. For the gift of him. To be his wife.
No, we didn’t always agree on everything, nor did we always get along on certain points.
But we moved past that.
Always.

And I was always so thankful that he was in my life.
I was thankful for our beautiful, wonderful six children.
But more so, for him.

So when he died …… it almost made sense.
I was never good enough.
And that finally caught up with me.

I didn’t deserve him.
And so he died.
I finally got what I deserved.

So here I am.
Living life without him.
Not the life I wanted.
Not the life I’d planned.
But the life I deserve.

And now I have to navigate this road that tells me that God does indeed love me, but on which I feel most unloved.
I have to move past these feelings of being unloved, undeserving.
And I hope that I will.
I’m trying.

It’s easy enough to say, “God loves me”.
It’s all together different to really embrace it.
It’s a work in progress.

I am a work in progress.
I don’t think I’m the only one.
So to those of you who find yourself on this path …… hopefully we can navigate it together.

My mind knows that I’m good enough ……in God’s eyes.
My heart just needs to catch up.

Damn ……

5 Replies

…… that’s all.
Just damn.
No, that’s not true.
Here’s what I want to say:
Damn it to hell!
That’s the worst I can think of without using the F word.
Just damn it all to hell.

What, you may ask, caused this kind of reaction?
Well, I’ll tell you.

Something wonderful.
So wonderful.
And so painful and loving and amazing and lonely.
And …… something so ordinary.

I miss him.
Oh my God, I miss him.
I want him to be here.
I’m tired of being here without him.
I’m lonely.

No matter where I am ……
No matter what city I live in ……
No matter how busy I keep myself ……
He should be here.

Daughter #3 is planning her wedding.
Which will be here in less than 5 months.
I am so thrilled and excited and happy for her.
And for him.
Truly.

But ……
Jim should be here.
He should be here to laugh with me about the angst and stress and wonderfulness of the plans they are making.
He should be here to agree with me that we couldn’t be more happy with the new addition of Son #4.
He should be here to help me help her.
He.
Should.
Be.
Here.

Damnit.
Damn it all to hell.

Sometimes I Wonder ……

13 Replies

…… if Jim would be proud of me.
Of our family.
Of how I’ve done.

I wish that I could answer in the affirmative. 100% yes, of course he would.
But I can’t.

Our children were all at such vulnerable ages when he died. I think they’ve questioned so very much since that day almost 8 years ago.
I myself have had my fair share of questions. And my fair share of shifts in beliefs.

I don’t pray the same way I used to.
I don’t believe some of the things I used to.
Fundamentally, I still believe that I am a follower of Christ.
But I no longer pray for specific outcomes. Instead, I pray for peace, strength and love to surround people who will need those things.
I don’t believe that prayer changes the outcome.
If I believed that, then I’d have to believe that God sees some people as better than others.
That some people are worth saving, while others are not.

I can’t, and I don’t, believe in a God who thinks that way.

If some of the beliefs I used to hold have changed, then how can I not think that my children’s beliefs have changed?
Of course they have.
I just wish they hadn’t changed so much.

I can understand the changes.
Truly, I can.
Our life was one way.
And in a matter of hours, it was not.
I can understand how that can change a person.

I just wish that these changes didn’t scare me.
Didn’t make me feel that I, in some way, have failed my children.
Because I do.
100%.

Maybe if I hadn’t grieved so long and so hard, their beliefs wouldn’t’ have changed.
Maybe if part of me wouldn’t have died the day Jim died, they’d still hold on strong to their faith.

Or maybe none of this would’ve mattered anyway.
My children are individuals, with their own thoughts, their own beliefs, their own faith.
And maybe, if Jim were still alive, they’d still be struggling with their own individual beliefs.
Maybe.

I’ll never know.

All I know is that one day we seemed to be a family of one faith and one belief …… and now we are not.
What could I have done …… what should I have done …… to avoid this?

What would Jim say?

I wish I knew.

Or do I?

Sweating in Texas ……

Life Is ……

3 Replies

…… something I never, ever thought I’d say again.
Ever.

Life is …… pretty darn good.
All in all.
All things considered.

I’m 7 1/2 years “out” from Jim’s death.
I will never be happy that he died.
Of course.

But I am happy.
Ironic, no?

Of course I’d give everything up if that would bring him back, but …… it won’t.
So I’ve chosen to move forward.
And to live life the way I would have wanted him to live it.
Fully.

I know that I am beyond blessed to be able to live my “after” …… my “second plan A” …… fully.
He’s responsible for that.
He planned ahead for the unimaginable.
He always took care of me …… of our family.
And he still does.
I will love him fully …… to the moment that I draw my last breath.
And beyond.

And who knows? I may love another man that same way.
I’m ok with that.
And I know that Jim is, too.

I’m in love with the city where I’ve chosen to live.
Beyond in love.
I am absolutely crazy about New York City.
Head over heels.

Who knows how long I’ll live here? I have no idea. I’ve learned to not plan too far in advance.
But right now, in this moment …… I want to live here.
And so I do.

I’m in love with all of my children and where they are in their lives.
It’s been a very, very long 7 1/2 years.
It’s been a long and arduous journey with some of them.
But right now, at this moment in time …… they’re doing well.
They are thriving.
None of them are perfect.
But neither am I.
And neither was Jim.
None of them live perfect lives.
But neither do I.
And neither did Jim.

I don’t wish for them to live perfectly perfect lives.
I wish for them to live fully, to live to their utmost.
I wish for God to lead them and for them to follow.
Whether they do or not is up to them.
I will love them unconditionally.
As a parent should.

I love being able to connect with widowed people.
I love helping them know that they are not crazy, wrong, or alone.
I love giving them hope.

I love that I’ll be doing that at Camp Widow West in a little over a week.
I can’t wait.

Life is something I never thought it would be again.

Life.
Is.
Good.

And I am blessed beyond measure to be able to say that.

Thank you, Jim.

Thank you, God.

Walking on the Surface of the Sun ……

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…… is pretty much what walking around Universal felt like.
I kid you not.
It.
Was.
Hot.

But in spite of the heat, we had fun.
In fact, I would even dare to say …… that, aside from our very first family vacation, which took place back in July of 1993 …… this was the second best vacation we’ve had. Now, I have to tell you that back in 1993 we only had five (5) children, and everyone was under the age of 9. They were all at a great age for a vacation …… meaning that they hadn’t yet developed the whining reflex, nor turned into pre-teen/teenage grumblers. They were easy to please and were happy doing whatever we were all doing.
Ahhhh, the early days.

That was our very best vacation ever.
This was our second.
I learned that it’s great to live long enough to experience a vacation with adult children …… who are finding out that they like each other.
Will wonders never cease?

The only sad part is that Jim didn’t live long enough to experience it.
Yes, some would say that he still saw it …… that he knows how we’re doing.
I’m still not sure about that, though I’d like to think so.
I hope so.

So, for all of you parents of teenagers …… or children who act like teenagers (God help you) …… there is light at the end of the tunnel/teenage years.
Trust me …… if nine (9) people (more like 8 1/2 since Little Bit was there) can get along (for the most part) on vacation …… there’s hope for you.

We all flew to our various homes yesterday. Son #3 and I flew to Houston, where I left my suitcase packed, did laundry, and packed another bag.
Oh, and we picked Gracie up. She was pretty excited to see us, though I know that she had a great time with my friend Amy and her family. I have no doubt that her two daughters spoiled Gracie Lou and treated her wonderfully. Which made it easy to leave her in their hands.
But I was glad to have her back.

We left for the airport at 7:00 this morning.
Yawn.
And now Gracie and I are both happily ensconced in our apartment in NY. I spent the better part of the afternoon unpacking and organizing everything.
It’s great to be back.
So very great. 🙂

Gracie did well on the flight today.
Gotta love those doggie sedatives.
Very much.
🙂

So here are random pictures from the trip.
Enjoy.
Or just click away now.
I wouldn’t blame you.

This is in Diagon Alley from Harry Potter World.
The dragon spits out fire every 10 minutes or so. Which is kind of cool.

It stormed the first two afternoons, but only for a short amount of time. The second day it started to hail as we returned to the hotel from the parks. This is a piece of hail. On a very hot afternoon. So very weird.

This was the sunset after the hail storm. It was lovely.

This is a pitcher of booze from Margaritaville. Hopefully you recognize the lyric to the song. If not, you can Google it.
Or not.
Whatever floats your boat.
This was a very good margarita.
Or three.

This is one of the roller coasters at night. We rode it more than once.
I love a good roller coaster.

This is the fireworks show on the 4th. They have fireworks every night, so I don’t think these were anything special, but they were still good.

This is Daughter #2 with Little Bit. He was pretty wonderful the entire time. Especially when you consider the fact that he was in a stroller on the surface of the sun for three days. He never got upset while in the parks. And he enjoyed the pool. As did all of us who swam every afternoon.

That’s all of the pics.
At least for now.
Hopefully that didn’t bore you to tears.
If it did, sorry.
Not really.

Just be glad that I can’t figure out how to upload my videos.

So, I Wonder ……

3 Replies

…… what the statute of limitations is for “widda brain”.

For those of you uninitiated in this “club”, consider yourself lucky for an altogether different reason: being widowed affects your memory. Big time.
Like we needed something else to kill off our brain cells.

All kidding aside (for the moment), when you first experience “widda brain”, it’s hella scary. Sometimes terrifying. You forget whole conversations. Overnight.
You forget meeting people.
You forget the paragraph/sentence you just read. Three times.
You forget appointments.
Or you go to an appointment …… a week early (not that I’ve personally experienced that … <cough, cough>).
You lose large chunks of time.
And wonder if you have Alzheimers.
Or a split personality.
It really is very frightening.
Until you find out that it’s a “normal” effect of grief.
For quite a while.
Or maybe that’s just me.

So I’m not sure how long I can claim W.B.
And when I just have to admit that I’m an idiot.
Who should maybe stay in one place for more than a month at a time.

Tonight I had plans to go with a friend to an event for the women in our church here in Texas (just in case you can’t keep up with me, either). She was going to pick me up at 6:00.
I had just finished getting ready at 5:30.
At 5:32 my cell phone rang … it was a number I didn’t recognize so I did what I always do with those calls.
I ignored it.
My phone sounded out the voice mail alert, so I picked it up to listen.
The caller was a woman I’d never met, telling me that she was at the restaurant where we were supposed to meet … at 5:30.
Oh.
My.
Word.

I had completely forgotten that a mutual friend introduced the two of us over email …… because this woman is a widow who doesn’t know any younger widows.
And we did indeed make plans to meet for dinner.
Tonight.
At 5:30.
I need a brain transplant.

Thankfully, my friend is/was very gracious and thought the situation was pretty funny.
I admit that I had to laugh.
This is my life.
A lot of the time.
Thankfully I have yet to find my keys in my freezer.
Yet.

I called my new friend back and told her I’d be there in 15 minutes …… and I was.
In spite of a very long train.
Of course.

And we had a great visit.
She now knows a younger widow.
I hope to help her meet the women in our “Circle”.
As well as get her to Camp Widow in Tampa.

I also got to say hi/bye to a couple of friends who ended up sitting at a table next to ours. They’re moving to Guyana.
And you thought New York was far from Texas!

I’m now going to change gears and post random pictures from the past few weeks.
Just to catch you up on a few things.
I bet you can’t wait.
🙂

I took this from my rooftop in NY. By the pool. Whoop!

This is the back view of the dress that I wore to the Tonys.
You know …… THE Tonys.
Quintuple Whoop!!!!!

And yes, this is the front.

This picture was taken at a restaurant called Bare Burgers. Their lighting is upside down lamps.
Which is pretty dang cool, is it not?

This is the King, in “The King and I”, Ken Watanabe, posing with fans after the show. I didn’t see the show on this evening, but just happened to be in the right place at the right time. He took time to take pics with several people. Which was very nice of him.

This is at the IMAX where I watched the 3D version of “Jurassic World”. I thought it was kind of cool/fun. If you ignore the fact that almost everyone is eaten by a dinosaur. Which was a whole lot more believable than Bryce Dallas Howard running through jungles and the entire picture in a tank top, a skirt and 4 inch heels.
Sheesh.

This is Gracie, trying to show me that she’s ready to go to Texas.
I guess.

This is the picture I took at the closing of our family home last week.
And yes, that’s a mimosa.
And no, I didn’t cry.
I just took deep breaths.
And drank a couple of those.

It’s been a busy couple of weeks down here.
I did the closing, went to a couple of doctor appointments, had blood work done (whoop?), had an MRI done on my aching shoulder, purged a lot of “stuff” from my closets, bathroom cabinets and garage, and replaced an AC/furnace. The entire thing. (Well, *I* didn’t do the replacing, I just watched for 8 hours and paid for it …… which is easier written than done.)
I spent my birthday/Father’s Day with my parents, going to a movie (the new Avengers …. don’t bother), dinner, and then another movie (“Inside Out” … go see it!). And I talked to my kids. It was a good day.

Now I’m in the middle of getting ready for a trip to Florida with all six (6) of my kids. Plus Little Bit. Plus one Significant Other (not mine).
If you’re keeping count, that’s that nine (9) people.
Or 8.5.
Don’t be jealous.

We’re going to brave the heat and the crowds at Universal. And hopefully hit as many roller coasters as many times as we can in a 72 hour period.
More or less.
As well as pool time.
I’m excited about it and am really looking forward to spending time with these fabulous people. Hopefully I’ll get lots of great pictures. Unless “widda brain” prevails.

So it’s anybody’s guess.
Whoop!

	Jo Ann Cook on Do You Need Anything …
	mysecondplana on So Many ……
	Chris, who lurks on So Many ……
	mysecondplana on Living in Limbo ……
	Sharon on Living in Limbo ……

My Second Plan A

After my first Plan A ended tragically, and all too soon, I came up with my second Plan A. It took a while, but now I'm ready to live again. And live fully.