I have been blown away….. by the support, encouragement, and love that I’ve received since my last post.
Really. I haven’t been too sure as to how to respond, so I’ve waited. But I don’t want to wait too long because I want you to know how much you’ve meant to me.
The depression thing …… well, that’s only a part of what’s been going on and it’s not something that I’m concerned about. Trust me, if it were, I’d be back on the meds in a heart beat. Because I have. Several times.
This time it feels different.
I know that part of the reason I don’t want to be on them is because I never needed them before Jim died.
Damn it to hell.
His death changed so much of me.
Without my permission.
Without my knowledge.
But there you go.
I’ve been mostly on anti-depressants for 8 years. Enough is enough. Or so I hope.
My last post wasn’t so much about depression, as it was the trifecta that was occurring in my/our world.
First, I’ve been missing Jim. I think that usually happens this time of year. I just want to hear his voice. I want to know that he’s here, that he sees us and that he cares.
And that he approves. I guess that would be the biggest thing.
But, as the age old song goes, “You can’t always get what you want.”
And then that damn Orlando thing happened …… and I decided that I’d had enough.
I’m done with hiding my children from my “friends”.
I’m done with pretending that one’s just too busy to be dating and settling down.
You see, I grew up and have remained in a conservative Christian background. I have loved the people I’ve worshipped with and yes, worked with. Immensely.
But I knew that if I were to even whisper that I thought one of my children were gay, relationships would change. Some would even end.
And I wasn’t ready for that.
I loved certain people so much that I couldn’t tell them that I had a gay child/children because I didn’t want to hear the condemnation that I was sure would come spewing forth. That would mean the end of a friendship. And I wasn’t ready for that.
But then came Orlando.
And now I don’t give a damn what people think, or believe, or spew forth, about my children.
I, and I alone, along with Christ, know my children. I know their hearts, and I know their souls. I’ve watched them grow up from toddlers in the church to teens. I’ve seen some of them leave the church because of the hypocrisy they encountered there. Heck, I saw my own parents leave the church for the same reason.
Yes, I knew early on that one of our children was gay. Or was most likely gay.
No, I never said a word to Jim. I can’t know for sure what he would’ve said, but I believe that he would’ve had a more difficult time accepting it than I did.
I do believe he would’ve come around, though. And I don’t believe for one moment that he would’ve dis-owned or kicked our child out of our home because of this.
I know that this will come as a shock to certain family members, as well as friends. And for that, I’m sorry.
Again, I didn’t feel it was my story to tell.
I still don’t.
I think it’s obscene that we expect our gay children to “come out”, while our heterosexual children just grow up and marry.
So there you go. I have two gay children.
Whom I love very much.
And whom I hope find love and happiness and family life, in the same way I hope that for their siblings.
I know that Christ loves all 6 of my children.
No if’s and’s or but’s.
I wish that Jim were here with me to have my back now.
But he’s not.
It’s just me.
And that’s ok.
Because it has to be.
To those of you who will no longer be in my life because of your beliefs, it was nice knowing you and I wish you the best.
To those of you who don’t give a rat’s ass about who my children love, thank you.
So very much.
Because I need you.
I love my children.
All 6 of them.
I’m proud of my children.
All 6 of them.
And nothing, no … nothing, can change that.
I may not always agree with their choices or decisions, but I will always love and accept them.
As would Jim.