Monthly Archives: June 2017

Mixed Feelings ……

…… is what I’m experiencing right now.

I am so totally excited to be in NY full time that I can hardly wait. I’m having to make myself stop and focus on what has to be done before that should happen.
And waiting is rather difficult for me.
That’s one of the ways that Jim complemented me and one thing that my life has truly missed.

It’s no secret that I go with my gut.
Jim did not.
He didn’t even know what a gut was …… until he met me.
I don’t think the man ever truly acted on instinct in his life.
That’s why he had me. 🙂

And that’s how he balanced me.
Most of the time my gut has been spot on.
And most of the time he went with that because he learned to trust my instinct …… over time.

But since he died my instinct hasn’t always been trustworthy.
Or maybe it’s been my lack of being able to look into the future.
That ability definitely took a hit when he died.
I no longer look down the line and think about planning for what’s ahead.
Because …… really?

Once your plans are blown to smithereens and you know that nothing past this very second counts …… it’s hard to plan ahead.
But maybe that’s just me.
Do you other widdowed people struggle with this, too?
Is it hard for you to focus on/plan for the future?

I have mixed feelings about this change.
On the one hand …… I’m ok with not wasting time wondering about the future. I think it’s a good thing to live life one minute at a time.

But on the other hand …… I’ve made some bad decisions by not looking further into the future. Looking only at right now can be limiting.
God, I miss that man.

So yes, I have mixed feelings about moving.
I’m mostly very happy and excited about the prospect.
I can’t wait to be in New York to stay.
But …… I’m not looking forward to the work that must happen before that.
I’m not looking forward to going through things that I’ve not gone through since he died.

So, for now, I’ll just play Scarlett and think about it tomorrow/later.
And maybe ….. I’ll end up just renting a storage unit.
Which, I think …… is much cheaper than a mortgage payment.

Stable ……

…… does not mean the same thing as stability.
At least to me.
And since I’m the one writing this, dear reader, we’re going with my definition.

Stable, to me, has a sense of instability within it, ironically. Something, or someone, that is stable, could …… at any moment …… become unstable.
How many of us thought our loved one was “stable”, only to find out that, suddenly, he/she was anything but?

Stability feels more long term. Granted, not forever. Or anything near that. But more firm than stable.

My father is what I consider to be stable. He’s holding his own and is not deteriorating as quickly as “they” predicted.
Which is a good thing.
Of course.

But it also means that I need to return home.
For now.
He doesn’t need anyone 24/7 and I need to get out of here before I lose my mind/go stir crazy.
There are only so many shows you can watch about Alaska /tuna/crabs/car restoring/Yukon Men/Mountain Men/car-motorcycle racing/Surviving the wilderness before blowing a gasket.

So …… I need a break.
And maybe he does, too.

Because he’s stable.
For now.

And now to stability.
I’ve decided that I need it.
I’m tired of trying to live in two places.
Two very different places.
I can’t really live fully or put down roots if I’m not living somewhere full time.
So I’ve come to a decision.
It was a difficult one.
And yet it wasn’t.

I’m going to sell my Texas house/s and mostly everything in it and move to New York.
Full time.
It’s where my heart is.
Well, much of my heart.

Of course I’ll miss seeing my Texas kids as often and will miss seeing J Bear on an almost daily basis …… HUGELY.
But I can be in Texas in three hours when I fly from NY.
And I plan to visit often.

It feels like it’s time to live for me.
Because life is short, damnit.
And I want to live fully.
While I can.

The hardest part …… and the thing I really don’t look forward to …… is selling/getting rid of everything in my house.
I did downsize when I moved to Waco. But that downsizing was nothing compared to what I need to do to move to NY.
It almost makes me hyperventilate.

It will mean more than just getting rid of furniture, appliances, kitchen stuff, etc.

It means parting with many things that I’ve kept for sentimental reasons. Things that “we” had/shared.
It means going through photo albums/music albums/books/travel momentos/framed pictures/paintings/scrap books/all things sentimental …… and purging most of it.

And right now …… I can’t even.

I think I’ll head to bed now.
Unfotunately, these days …… very much like the months after Jim died …… it’s the one thing I look forward to each day.
Sigh ……

It’s time to find/make some stability.

P.S. Anyone want to buy a baby grand player piano?
Heavy sigh ……