Mixed Feelings ……

…… is what I’m experiencing right now.

I am so totally excited to be in NY full time that I can hardly wait. I’m having to make myself stop and focus on what has to be done before that should happen.
And waiting is rather difficult for me.
That’s one of the ways that Jim complemented me and one thing that my life has truly missed.

It’s no secret that I go with my gut.
Jim did not.
He didn’t even know what a gut was …… until he met me.
I don’t think the man ever truly acted on instinct in his life.
That’s why he had me. 🙂

And that’s how he balanced me.
Most of the time my gut has been spot on.
And most of the time he went with that because he learned to trust my instinct …… over time.

But since he died my instinct hasn’t always been trustworthy.
Or maybe it’s been my lack of being able to look into the future.
That ability definitely took a hit when he died.
I no longer look down the line and think about planning for what’s ahead.
Because …… really?

Once your plans are blown to smithereens and you know that nothing past this very second counts …… it’s hard to plan ahead.
But maybe that’s just me.
Do you other widdowed people struggle with this, too?
Is it hard for you to focus on/plan for the future?

I have mixed feelings about this change.
On the one hand …… I’m ok with not wasting time wondering about the future. I think it’s a good thing to live life one minute at a time.

But on the other hand …… I’ve made some bad decisions by not looking further into the future. Looking only at right now can be limiting.
God, I miss that man.

So yes, I have mixed feelings about moving.
I’m mostly very happy and excited about the prospect.
I can’t wait to be in New York to stay.
But …… I’m not looking forward to the work that must happen before that.
I’m not looking forward to going through things that I’ve not gone through since he died.

So, for now, I’ll just play Scarlett and think about it tomorrow/later.
And maybe ….. I’ll end up just renting a storage unit.
Which, I think …… is much cheaper than a mortgage payment.

2 thoughts on “Mixed Feelings ……

  1. Frances Rubin

    Who wants to look forward when Bob isn’t going to be there? I am concerned about money though. I have no concept of it. That was his job. I’m told I have enough. Enough for what? A second home? Exotic travel? I hate life without him. It really gets better? Some women say never. I don’t want to be that woman

  2. Kellie

    My mom struggles with this. She wants me to tell her what to do, but then I know she needs to make her own decision. It’s tough. It has been three years and we all still miss him terribly, but I know you understand that.


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