Monthly Archives: December 2014

Lights in the Dark ……

…… can light up anyone’s face.

Last night I went to Brooklyn with several women from the Manhattan Women’s Club (remember, not as fancy/snobby as it sounds, I promise). We went to look at Christmas lights in Dyker Heights. Don’t worry, I’d never heard of it either, but wow! Check it out here.

Here are some pictures:





















One of the neat things about all of those lights, aside from the fact that I don’t have to pay those electric bills, is the look on people’s faces when they see each house. It’s like you can’t help but smile when you see the decorations and all of those lights.

Light dispels darkness in more ways than one.

And light comes in more ways than one.

Today my Facebook page has been a huge light on what could be a dark day.
So has my cell phone.
The comments and texts today have been so full of love and support that I’ve been speechless, which of course is no easy feat.

I hadn’t expected so many people to post on my page.
I hadn’t expected all of the loving and kind words.
I hadn’t expected so much light.

Seven years.
Seven sometimes-very-slow-years.
Seven sometimes-faster-than-the-speed-of-light-years.
Or so it seems.

Seven years that I never want to re-live.

I’m thankful to be on this side of that valley.
The voyage out wasn’t pretty …… to put it mildly.
It was bloody, and messy and ugly.
It was horrible.
And it took a long time.
But it’s good to be out.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have my moments.
I’ll always have moments.
And I’m ok with that.
Because moments are sure better than that valley.

So to all of you who gave me light today …… thank you. From the bottom of my heart …… thank you.
You helped make this day the easiest one yet.
I love you.
Each one of you.
More than I can say.

Thank you for filling my day with light.
And thank you for filling my heart with love.

Contrary to Popular Belief ……

…… for at least some people, the 7 (seven) year mark does not mean that I am all better.
That I am healed. That I am over the loss of the other half of me.
That tears do not come now.
That I no longer miss him.

When I think about that last non-friend who posted how I should no longer be mourning Jim, I want to scream. It didn’t affect me like that at the time. I just felt sorry for her.
But now, NOW it pisses me off.
Because who the the hell does she think she is, that she can tell me, ME, the one who had Jim ripped out of her life and her children’s lives, how I’m supposed to feel now. I’d like to punch her in the face right now.
And probably for the next few weeks.

This is the hard time.
Yes, it’s much easier here in NY. SO much easier. But that doesn’t mean that it’s painless. Because it’s not. I still miss him. And I still cry when I type that. Every damn time.

My life is good.
I am happy.
I’m content.
I feel joy.

But I also feel loss.
I feel the hole left in my heart.
I miss him more than I can say.

And I don’t expect that to ever change.
This time of the year will always bring joy and sorrow to my family.
It is what it is.

I loved him with all of my being.
I still love him.
I will always love him.

I never took him for granted.
I knew that I was blessed.
And, truthfully, I never thought for one second, that I deserved him.
I thanked God for him on a daily basis.

And though I didn’t feel worthy, God blessed me with him.

So …… when it comes to thinking of another love …… I doubt very much that that will happen.
Because I know I’m not worthy of two great loves in one life.
You may think differently, but that’s what’s ingrained into my brain. Into the very fiber of my being. I will never have another love as true and as wonderful as Jim.
And really …… I’m mostly ok with that. Because I had a love and a relationship that very few people have.
Which makes me sad. For those people.
But at least I had it.

I can’t expect it to happen again.
So I don’t.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t long for it to happen again.
But I guess I’m a realist. If I was so blessed to have it once, it’s not very likely that I’ll find it again.

Part of me is ok with that. I like doing what I want to do, when I want to do it. I like having all of the closet space. I like having a pretty clean garage.
I like my independence.

But I’d also like to have love and security in my life. The kind of security that comes from having someone who has your back, no matter what.
I miss that.
I miss holding his hand.
I miss falling asleep next to him.
I miss catching his eye from across a room, and feeling the warmth that came with that look.

I miss the family that we had.
Things would be so different if he were still here.
So much better.
But …… it is what it is.
So I try to make it better.
As much as I can.
I don’t have as much power as I wish I had.

So …… that’s all.
I’m happy.
And I’m sad.

I’m content.
And I wish I weren’t alone.

I have a great life.
But I wish I had love.

It is what it is.

Just as it is with everyone else in the world.

By The Light ……

…… of the silvery tree ……

OK, it’s not silvery, but then it’s not a moon, either.

I’m sitting in my dark living room …… which really isn’t dark because the lights on the Christmas tree are twinkling and dancing and preventing the room from really being dark.

I haven’t truly enjoyed sitting in the almost-dark, looking at the tree, for several years now.
But this year, I feel differently.

This was one of Jim’s favorite things about this time of year. After all of the kids were in bed, and after we had turned all of the lights out and were headed to bed, he’d ask me to come and sit in the living room with him …… to just sit and look at the tree …… and the lights.


I can’t see the lights, and not think of him.
I miss sitting on the sofa, his arm wrapped around me, my head on his shoulder.
I miss the silence that actually said so much.

But I’m thankful that I can now sit and enjoy the lights …… and the silence that still says so much.
It says different things now, but I can sit with it …… and be ok.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t miss him.
That doesn’t mean that I’m ok with him being dead.
It just means that I’m ok with enjoying things again …… and enjoying the memories of him.

It’s definitely easier to enjoy this time of year here in New York.
And for that I’m very, very grateful.
There are no memories here, except for the ones I’ve made in my “after”.
I hope that my children feel the same way.

This time of year is a bitch to go through.
In eleven days we’ll hit the seven year mark.
Which, as always, is unbelievable.
But it comes, whether we believe it or not.
Time is kind of relentless like that.

But it’s also nice to be able to sit with the memories.
Instead of being overwhelmed with them.
It’s nice to be able to smile with the remembering.
Instead of being wracked with sobs.

I hope that those of you who can …… will take the time to sit with your loved one …… and enjoy the lights on the tree. And the silence …… that says so much.

And I hope that those of you who can’t …… will be able to sit and enjoy the memories.

It’s Winter’s Eve ……

…… here in NYC.
Or at least, here in my neighborhood.

There was a huge (supposedly the largest in the City) Holiday celebration in and around Lincoln Center and Columbus Circle.
There were tents set up from various local restaurants, bakeries, stores, etc.
I didn’t notice this last year …… and I’m thinking that I must’ve been away that night because there was no way to NOT know about it from inside my apartment.
There were bands playing all around, people singing, dancing and just plain noisily celebrating.
It was great.

This guy was on stilts.  Very high stilts.  Several people were walking around on them, engaging small children in games of “Catch the Christmas Ball”.
I may, or may not, have just made that up.  I have no idea what they were doing, other than throwing a glowing ball and having the kids run for it and bring it back.
Like “Fetch”.



This guy was making an ice sculpture of a nutcracker:


He’s pretty dang good, is he not?


So …… I have to admit …… I have no idea why they call it Winter’s Eve. Winter doesn’t start tomorrow. It starts on December 21st.
Maybe they just mean the eve of winter in general …… the winter season, as it were.
Are you as excited about this topic as I am?
That’s what I thought.
Moving along ……

Gracie and I flew here today. She did pretty well on the plane. She whined but at least she didn’t scream. Her screams are ear-piercing, and I’m quite certain that if she were to start up with that …… we’d both be escorted off of the plane.

So far, so good.

I came home from the lake on Saturday. Everyone else headed home, too.
Son #3 picked his car up from the shop and drove to Dallas to visit a friend.
His car needed a side mirror replaced, all fluids topped off, an oil change, 2 new tires, and some cosmetic work inside.

A few hours after he left I received a text from him with this picture attached:
Yes …… it’s a tire iron.
It came flying off of a semi.
And launched itself here:
Karma can be a real bitch.
Or at least, trucks that don’t have things locked down can.

Of course he wasn’t able to get any info off of the truck. I’m guessing that he was so stunned by the noise that he was lucky to not have a wreck.
I’m thankful that he’s ok.
And hopeful that the damage is just cosmetic and not further beneath.

Speaking of fun …… my Christmas tree was delivered today.
Last year it wasn’t in a box. But I think this tree is a lot nicer than the one I got last year. Both of them were Groupon purchases.
Sometimes, Groupon totally rocks.


I pulled out all of my Christmas decorations after we set up the tree:
(When I say “we” I mean Daughter #1 and K.  They came to spend a day or two here since they didn’t get to see us for Thanksgiving.  🙂 )
That’s the box that contains all of them.
That makes me grin.

Here’s how the tree looks now:
I think it looks great and smells even better!

My friend Lisa is flying in tomorrow.  She’s never spent time in NY so we’re going to have a blast.
And she’ll return home FULL of Christmas spirit.
As long as the cold weather comes back where it belongs.  It was in the high 60’s today when I landed.  I was not a happy camper.  I’m sick of warm weather.
Thankfully, it rained some tonight and the temps fell about 20 degrees in 2 hours.
Picture me happy.

Well …… I think that’s all the news I have.  Although none of this was really “news”, so much as boring story-telling.
Other than the tire iron thing …… that wasn’t boring.
For anyone.

Night all.
Stay tuned.