Category Archives: Depression

Does Anyone Else ……

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…… feel like they could start crying at the drop of a hat?
Or is that just me?

I feel weird.
In limbo.
In 2 places at once.

I’m physically here in Texas.
But part of my heart is in NY.

I know that I should feel good that I’m not there.
But I don’t quite.
Part of me feels like I should be there, doing what I can to support the city that I love so much.

But my heart is also here in Texas.
With most of my children and all of my grandchildren.
Especially the one I haven’t been able to meet yet.
Damn.

I know that I’m blessed.
I know that things could be bad.
We are all healthy.
We have food.
We have toilet paper. For now.

So why do I feel like crying?
Is it because Jim’s not here …… in this horrific, history-making time on this planet?
Is it because yet another dear friend lost her husband a few days ago?
Is it because everything and everyone is so uncertain?

Probably.

I’m not afraid.
I’m not worried.
I just don’t know what I am.

This is just …… the strangest.
Right?

One phrase keeps going through my mind.
“Jesus, take the wheel.”

Except it feels like there’s not even a wheel now.

Another phrase also keeps going through my mind.
And maybe …… it’s not just me.

Jesus, now would be a really great time for you to come back.

I’m just sayin’.

I. Can’t. Even ……

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I can’t.
I really, truly can’t.

I lost a dear friend yesterday.
Suddenly.
Shockingly.

Seventeen sets of parents lost their children yesterday. So far.
Suddenly.
Shockingly.
Horribly.

Two of my “wid friends” have daughters in that high school.
Fortunately, they’re ok.

I.
Can’t.
Even.

All it seems that I can do is cry.
The waves are back.
I have not missed them.

I had just talked to my friend.
Her birthday was Friday.
She was fine.
Or so we thought.

Some of my widowed friends will remember her.
She wasn’t widowed but she loved me so much that she volunteered at a Camp Widow just to see what this thing was that I love so much.

She was quick to laugh and even quicker to love.
She would’ve done anything for me.
I can’t believe that I’ll never hear that laugh again.
Or feel that love.

Her funeral will be this Sunday.
I don’t know if I can go.
I’ve told Daughter #2 that I’d watch the kids this weekend.
I know that I can get out of that.
But I’m not sure that I want to.

The thought of going to that service just brings the ugly cry.
The kind of cry that happened yesterday between flights at DFW in a chapel.
For an hour.
Thank God that that airport has chapels.

I feel bad about not wanting to go.
I feel guilty.
I feel weak.
And I feel panic.

I know I should go.
I know I should see her husband and sons.
And the beautiful little grand daughter who she loved beyond reason.

I.
Can’t.
Even.

I haven’t felt this depth of sorrow in a long time.
I haven’t felt this incapacitated.
This weak.

I.
Just.
Can’t.

Turning Things Around ……

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…… isn’t something I’ve always been able to do these past almost-9 years.  In fact, it was impossible to do the first few years.

I think that’s something that most people don’t get.  And by “most people”, I mean the people who haven’t had to live through the loss of their spouse or child.  Most of them expect you to grab your bootstraps and pull yourself up and out of the murk.  At least after a year.

But now, thankfully, I’m able to stop the deep, dark thoughts and focus on something better.  For those of you who haven’t reached that point yet, I hurt for you.

Today I thought about this being another “holiday weekend” where I have no plans and no spouse to hang with.  More specifically, I don’t have Jim.
And I hate that.  I really, really hate it.

But then I decided to open up a window and check the weather.  Metaphorically and physically.
Actually, just physically. The metaphorical part occured to me a bit later.
What? I can’t always be deep.

Anyway, the weather turned out to be amazing. The temps were in the low 70’s all day. Some people wore sweaters or jackets.
Some people are nuts.

I decided to get out of the apartment and take Gracie for a walk. She was a bit tired today because we partied last night in celebration of her second birthday.
Well, I did most of the celebrating …… she mostly looked at me like I was crazy.
She also didn’t appreciate the fact that I dressed her up to celebrate.

So I decided to take her to the Park.
Of course, it helped that she decided to do this:

She does know how to work it.

So we spent some time in the Park. It was beautiful. And it felt like fall.
Or at least fall in Texas.

After that I came back and listened to the OSU game. Which we won.
Whoop.

Then I decided that I would order in for dinner and start a Gene Wilder movie-thon.

I turned the day around. On purpose.
Not something I could always do in my “after”.
But something I’m glad I can do now.
Of course, it also helps that I decided to go back on my meds a couple of months ago. I took the advice from a friend. Thank you, WT.
I got tired of being sad all of the time.
Hopefully I’ll just keep taking them and won’t try to go off of them again.
Hopefully.

For those of you who don’t have to take meds for depression, I can’t explain this to you. I know it doesn’t make sense. I feel better, “normal”, when I’m on them. Even though I never needed them in my “before”.
Which is mostly why I try to go off of them.
Ugh.

Anyway, it’s been a good day.
Different from the day it started out to be.
Thankfully.

I’ll never miss him any less.
Never.
But at least I can turn around and find some light now.
And that’s pretty dang huge.