…… feel like they could start crying at the drop of a hat?
Or is that just me?
I feel weird.
In limbo.
In 2 places at once.
I’m physically here in Texas.
But part of my heart is in NY.
I know that I should feel good that I’m not there.
But I don’t quite.
Part of me feels like I should be there, doing what I can to support the city that I love so much.
But my heart is also here in Texas.
With most of my children and all of my grandchildren.
Especially the one I haven’t been able to meet yet.
Damn.
I know that I’m blessed.
I know that things could be bad.
We are all healthy.
We have food.
We have toilet paper. For now.
So why do I feel like crying?
Is it because Jim’s not here …… in this horrific, history-making time on this planet?
Is it because yet another dear friend lost her husband a few days ago?
Is it because everything and everyone is so uncertain?
Probably.
I’m not afraid.
I’m not worried.
I just don’t know what I am.
This is just …… the strangest.
Right?
One phrase keeps going through my mind.
“Jesus, take the wheel.”
Except it feels like there’s not even a wheel now.
Another phrase also keeps going through my mind.
And maybe …… it’s not just me.
Jesus, now would be a really great time for you to come back.
I’m just sayin’.
My Second Plan A 
I’ve been close to tears for the past 3 or 4 days. I kept thinking it must be near an anniversary or something. One of “those” days. But it’s not. April is nothing. In terms of things my body remembers before my mind. I hurt for everyone who is going through this with a loved one. I think of Dave’s last days. On a ventilator. But at least I was there. I didn’t have to wait for a nurse or doctor to have a few minutes to call me. And he wasn’t there alone. I’m angry at everyone who is breaking the social distancing rules. Knowing full well that Dave would have died from his cancer at some point. But knowing his last two weeks were horrific because of an infection. And that was “normal” times. That someone would knowingly break guidelines just makes me want to scream. Or worse. I’m sorry you are hurting my friend. But I’m glad you’re not in the hot spot that is New York right now. I hope you get to see that new baby soon and get to see little baby J again soon. Love you.
Fabulous and on point as usual!
Sending loads of love
I’ve lost two classmates this week. It’s absolutely horrible. I cannot handle this loss of control. (Control is an illusion, I know.) I hope you reclaim your normal and get your hands on that baby soon!
(((Janine))) maybe all of that and more. I’ve been on the verge of tears for over a week night. Take care of those grand babies but also take care of you. This is a hard time for not just us but the wheel. Sending lots of Hugs, Love and prayers to you all of your family, our widowed community and everyone else.
Yes… I am regularly on the verge of tears for no apparent reason. I haven’t felt like this in a long time. (((Hugs))) to you Janine, you were one of the first widow “influences” I had on this journey ❤
Let those tears fly! I have periodically and it helps to cleanse me. My heart is in two different places too. It definitely would be much easier if Jim were still here to help you cope. Not that any of us are coping very well. Maybe some people are but….not me either.
Just as when we go through grief, we each do it in our own way, don’t we, Janine? Cry if you feel like it. Then remind yourself to lean on God. I’m basically isolated at home here in Kingwood. I haven’t seen my 94 yo mother or my 91 yo mother-in-law or my grown sons or my 3 little grandchildren in I don’t know how long. And I miss them so. We are emailing, Zooming, Face timing here and there. But it’s not the same as being together. I also feel guilty. A bit more than a year ago I retired as an ICU nurse at Kingwood Medical Center. I’m not there on the frontlines with my amazing ICU colleagues anymore. They are working so hard and courageously risking their lives. And I’m not. That doesn’t feel right to me. Let’s hang in there, Janine. We’ve both been through worse. And we can do this. Love. And virtual Hugs.
Hi Janine, This hit home. I’ve had a lot of tears lately. I’ve never spent so much time alone, so I guess it makes sense to be in my head more. I have so much to be thankful for, and with widowhood, I’ve certainly been through tough times, but it’s still difficult. Hugs to you.
Agree wholeheartedly with the last two lines!