Category Archives: on line dating

“So …… are you ……



…… dating anyone?”

No. No, I am not.

“Are you dating at all?”

Nope. Not dating. At all.

“Why?!” (That’s the word that is spoken, but it sounds more like, “What’s wrong with you?!”)

There’s only one reason that I’m not dating: I don’t want to.

And no, that doesn’t mean that I’m stuck in my grief.
No, it doesn’t mean that I’m not living life fully.
No, it doesn’t mean that I’m afraid to put myself out there.
No, it doesn’t mean that I’m afraid to love again.
No, it doesn’t mean that I’m afraid of losing another love to death.

And no, it does NOT mean that I’m …… less than.

Of course no one says any of those things.
At least not to my face.
But hints are given.
Blogs are written.
Facebook posts are written …… even by widowed friends.

Sometimes those who have found love become “love pushers”.
They like to preach about how wonderful it is and how we (all us widowed people) should take that step. We should want to find love again. We shouldn’t be stuck in our past. We can’t really move forward and become whole until we take that step.

I know they don’t mean to say that. And I know that they’d deny putting that message out there.
But sometimes you don’t really get a message …… when you’re not its subject.
Sometimes your blissful happiness can cause you to want everyone you know to be blissful. And happy.
I get that.

But here’s the thing: I am happy. I am happily single. I am not looking for love. That’s because I don’t want a relationship.
I may not be blissful, but I’m really ok with that.
My life is full.
My life is good.
I had one hell of a terrific love.
And I’m good.

I didn’t have a perfect marriage.
Jim wasn’t a perfect man.
But it was a good marriage.
And he was a good man.
I always felt blessed beyond measure to have him.
And I still do.

Would it be nice to have that again?
Well, of course it would.
But do I need to have it again?
No. No, I don’t.
Again, I’m good.

I’m starting to feel a bit resentful for being put on the spot sometimes.
I don’t think I should have to explain myself.
I don’t think I should have to give any reasons for not wanting another relationship.
And I sure as hell don’t need people pointing out some false statistic that people who had good marriages will want to find love again.
I think that’s crap.

We can’t all be lumped together.
For anything.
“All millennials are like this …”
“All white women are like this …”
“All Christians are like this …”
“All liberals are like this …”
“All conservatives are like this …”

I’m sick to death of this crap.
I’m angry about the divisiveness that has clutched this country in the last year and a half.
And I’m fed up with feeling that I’m thought of as “not whole” if I don’t want a man in my life.

I’ve had two relationships since Jim died.
Neither worked out.
I should’ve known that I wasn’t meant to be with someone when, upon learning that one of these men shoved wedding cake into his first bride’s face, I knew he was not the man for me. That was the beginning of the end.*
Some would say that’s a stupid reason to not want a man.
Maybe not.
I don’t think we can help what we feel.

But I digress.
I have dated.
I no longer do.
I haven’t had a date in several years.
And I’m happy with that.

The thought of being in a relationship makes my blood pressure go up.
I just don’t want it.
I like living alone.
For the most part.
I like traveling on a whim.
I like having all of the closet space.
But true.

So, for all of you widowed peeps who are remarried, or in love …… I’m thrilled for you.
I’m happy for your happiness.
I hope that you have very long relationships and that you’re the first to go.

And for all of you who aren’t widowed, but are happily in love …… I’m equally happy for you.
And I hope you go first.

But please know that, just as everyone is not meant to be an accountant, or an actor, or a teacher …… not all of us are meant to be with someone. And it’s possible to be happy …… and single.

I love my life.
Just as it is.
(I think it goes without saying that I would prefer Jim to be alive and here, but that’s not a choice.)
I have learned to never say never.

But right now …… in this part of my life …… I’m happy with all of the closet space.

*If you or your spouse shoved cake into each other’s face and are happy with that then yay for you.Β  I don’t think less of you.Β  It’s just not my thing.

A Piece of My Mind ……

…… has been given to that bloody E Harmony site.
And yes, I just used the word bloody. That’s probably because I’ve been watching House Hunter’s International and listening to British and Australian home buyers.
And it seemed to fit.

As I’ve said before, I don’t have a lot of pieces up there left to give, but I truly loathe that site.
I haven’t deleted my account yet because I purchased a 3 month plan, and I’m determined to stick it out until the bitter end.

I mostly just delete men every few days now. That’s because they have never, EVER sent me a good match. Every single one is accompanied with the words, “This match is outside of your settings, but it might work.”
I have no idea why they’ve never, EVER, sent a match within my settings (which are actually quite broad), but last night’s email of “outside matches” was the last straw.

I went on line, pulled up my profile, deleted everything I had written in the “More About Me” section and then wrote this:

A little more about me

I’m getting ready to leave this site because eHarmony has been a negative experience for me. I feel completely invisible on this site. Do you men NEVER make the first move??! What is it that you’re afraid of? I’m fine with men who are “outside” my settings (which are the only kind I get), but I’m not fine with always having to be the one who initiates, who sends the “smile” (gag!). I’ve done it, plenty of times, but haven’t had a man respond. I’m fun, funny, independent, spiritual, healthy and fit, smart and I love adventure. I’d rather be single the rest of my life than stick around here.

Yes, I really wrote that, clicked “save” and then closed up shop.
And guess what happened?
Oh, of course you know what happened because … REALLY?!

So now I’m in communication with a guy who read that within 30 minutes of my edit and then wanted to “get to know me”.
Go figure.

In other non-on-line-dating news, I think barre class almost killed me today. After I came home I was so exhausted that I had to go take a nap. An hour later I didn’t feel much more rested. So today was a quiet, stay in the apartment kind of day.
I think I need to eat some more protein.
I have class in the morning again.
If you don’t hear from me for a few days, you can safely assume I died.
Or maybe I’m in a coma …… resting.

Breaking News ……

…… or not.
It’s actually more like the Daily Demented, or the Certifiable Citizen, or maybe The National Enquirer.

Today, for the second time in my life, I received …… wait for it …… wait for it …… a proposal.
Here it is:

Will you marry me

See? How can one convey the love, the passion, nay …… the gravity of that question, but with …… “Regards”?

I’ve had a couple of hours to ponder this lunatic’s lovely man’s proposition, and I’m afraid I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just not ready for marriage.
Who knows? Maybe if he asks again in 6 months, or 30 years, I might feel otherwise.
But for now, I’m humbled …… and laughing uncontrollably.

I was busy counting all of the “I want to know you more better” messages today, so this one caught me by surprise.

Do you see what I have to deal with???!!!

And you thought I was just kidding when I used the term “cray-cray”.
Now you know better.

In news unrelated to my dating/requests of marriage life …… I’m still hitting the barre, but it’s no longer kicking my butt …… most of the time. It still has its moments.
Today a woman who was next to me during the class, turned to me after it was over (and I was dripping with sweat), and asked me …… oh, so naively, “Does this ever get easier?!”. To which I replied, “No, not really.”
After seeing her crestfallen face I did clarify my answer and told her that she would get stronger and be able to hang in there better, but as for easier?
Not so much.

I went to Harlem today for my volunteer stint. Those kids (ages 3-5) are so freakin’ hilarious. Except for one. Who whines and cries at the drop of a hat.
Every single day.
All day long, according to his teachers.
Who, in my opinion, are saints.
I only have to deal with him for an hour. Which is really a good thing for him.
I don’t know what goes on at home, but he gets upset over the tiniest thing, and then points at what he wants and talks “baby talk”. And cries. Loudly.
That kid works on my last nerve.
Today I told him that, as long as he cried and talked like a baby, I couldn’t help him.
Which didn’t seem to matter to him …… for a minute or so.
Then he stopped crying, got a tissue and blew his nose (is “blew” even a word??), and then proceeded to try to tell me what he wanted.
I’ve never seen a preschooler act so helpless. Most of them are almost defiant in trying to do things themselves.
This kid is going to make some woman a miserable wife.

Tonight I went to see “Bullets Over Broadway”, which starred Zach Braff. You know, the guy from “Scrubs”.
Woody Allen wrote the play.
And the movie, which I remember seeing years ago, with Jim.
I didn’t care for it all that much.

So I didn’t have high hopes for the musical.
It was entertaining, I guess. But not a “I’ve GOT to see that!” show.
Even though I was in the second row.
So I was about 5 feet from Zach.
Thankfully he didn’t spit when he spoke.

It’s time for me to go to bed.
I have barre class again in the morning.
It’s definitely a love/hate relationship.
I hate having to drag myself there, but I love being done with it.
I’m truly conflicted.

I’m totally psyched for the weekend.
Because Saturday night I’m going with my friend Kelley to see Elayne Boosler!
Kelley is a friend of hers and Elayne gave her two tickets to the show. And she asked me to be her date. Whoop!!
If you’re too young to know who Elayne Boosler is, then I have to, once again, ask …..
what are you doing here?!!!

OK. I need to hit the hay.
And ponder how to gently let down the guy who proposed to me.

Oh, who am I kidding?! I’m not going to gently let him down!! I’ll probably just delete his message and pretend I never received it.
Or message him back with a, “Yes!! When and where??!!!”
That should make him think twice.
Or six times.

Adios, Peeps.
Have a great weekend.

How to Spot a Dating Site Scammer ……

…… in one easy lesson post.

In the last 24 hours I have received about 6 “Hello” messages on OK Cupid. At least four of them are from fakers/scammers/people who most likely do not live in this country.
But I’ll let you be the judge of that.

I will tell you, with some knowledge, that this is getting very tiresome.
But, on the bright side, I thought I’d choose two of them to post as examples of what to look for …… should you ever, EVER find yourself on a free dating site.
The old adage, “You get what you pay for” never rang so true.

Here is Example #1.
(You might want to have a barf bag handy.)

Wow you look very radiant like the morning sky,i really appreciate God for a wonderful creature like are like a gift from God , seeing you has really made me to forget to ask how u are doing. Well let me not be carried away by your beauty, I must tell you the truth you are among the wonders of God’s creature.i will be very glad if i can get to know you more better.Meeting with you will be my first joy, please it will gladden my heart by giving me a response. please do include your email address or cell phone number, when reply so we could start by chatting…You are beautiful, Cheers up till i hear from

Yep, that’s how it ended. I didn’t crop anything.
(I’d like to crop something, but that’s a whole ‘nother post.)

I know what you’re thinking.
How could this guy know, from just my picture, that I am among the wonders of God’s creature?
It must have been all the radiance shining through that picture of me, on the top of a mountain in Oregon, wearing sunglasses and standing far from the camera.
My radiance is hard to contain.
It’s a gift.
And a curse.

When you’re done with your gagging/retching/spit-takes, you may proceed to Example #2:

Hello how are you doing ,I just saw your profile and i couldn’t resist to send you a message am so sorry if this got you upset, will i just did some criteria search for singles Women and felt your photo was interesting and profile,i will really be happy if you can write me back on my Cell Phone to know my hope in you thanks >>>>>>>XXX) XXX)-XXXX.

This guy’s hope in me is going to be dashed.
And please note that I’m not totally heartless …… I put X’s where his phone number was (but I didn’t take out the parentheses or the 8 or so greater than symbols).
Don’t ask.
I have no idea.

I’m really struggling to not delete my info from this web site.
I am getting very tired of having to wade through these types of messages,
but you guys …… this is comedy/blog gold! I’m really going to have to incorporate this into a stand up routine.
I’ll keep you posted.

In the mean time …… I interrupt this program for a moment of advertising. I can do that because it’s my blog. πŸ™‚
If you or anyone you know would be interested in purchasing this:

or this:

let me know.
The first picture is, as you can see, a pool table, but it’s also an air hockey table and it’s VERY heavy duty.
Emphasis on heavy.
It’s not one of those cheap tables.

The second picture is of a NordicTrak E500.
It’s in perfect condition and is a great all-in-one workout item.
I won’t have room for them in a smaller house.

Speaking of a smaller house, things are proceeding. The inspections are done and most of the paperwork is signed and in place. Of course, nothing is truly settled until every T is crossed on closing day, so I’m still in a “we shall see” mode.
I’ve found that a pretty good place to be most of the time.

That’s it for today.
I’ll keep mining for comedy/blog gold …… just to keep you all entertained.
And as always …… you’re welcome.

Optimism or ……

…… a little cray-cray.
I’ll let you decide.

This picture shows the sidewalk area of three restaurants in a row:
See all of the outdoor tables set up for customers?

Now look at this picture, which was taken right after the above picture:
If you click on it you can see that it shows the temperature as 34.
Who’s going to sit at sidewalk tables when it’s a flippin’ THIRTY FOUR DEGREES outside?!
I’ll tell you who …… NO ONE!

Say what you will about New Yorkers and their strength, perseverance, and optimism …..
I’m telling you that whoever decided to set up those tables (and each restaurant who followed suit) is indeed, a whole lotta crazy.
Especially when you notice that the time was 4:55 p.m.
(And it was in the low 20’s this morning.)
So yeah, they were getting ready for the dinner crowd. Which, I have no doubt, was going to crowd up inside these restaurants.
Sometimes I just shake my head.
And smile.

Speaking of smiling, I took these pictures from the airplane last week as we were descending into LaGuardia:






That sight never fails to make me smile.
And no complaining. I took a lot of pictures.
You’re lucky that I only showed you seven.

This past weekend I went to NJ to attend/help out with my friend Beth’s fundraiser that her family/community holds each year in honor/memory of her husband, who was a high school teacher and basketball coach there. This was their 6th year to host this event and my first one to attend.
It was very fun, successful and exhausting. Which means I had a great time. I met a lot of people, her friends and family, and I saw how much community support her family has received these past 6 years. It was amazing and so very nice.
And …… I won two raffle items. One package was the last 3 Batman movies (I think I put one ticket into that one) and the other was a necklace that I really like. I may have put about 6 tickets into that one.
I have to admit that I was pretty disappointed to not win the margarita basket, into which I probably put at least 20 tickets.
And yes, I do know that I could’ve gone out and bought everything in that basket for less than I put into it, but that’s not the point.
If you’ve never put tickets into a raffle you cannot judge.
It’s the thrill of the moment.
And the lure of a great margarita.

And then there’s this. Remember when I showed you the pictures of the pigeon that was hanging around my gate at the Newark airport? Well, I forgot to tell you that when I returned from Tampa, into Newark, and was walking past that same gate, a pigeon flew past me and into that gate area.
I kid you not.
It was the strangest thing.

But even more strange, was this …… at the Port Authority bus terminal, where I was waiting to get on the bus to Jersey:

If I was a big “signs” believer, I’d tell you that these pigeons were a sign.
And that maybe it was Jim, showing himself to me.
But I’m not, which is probably a good thing because how pissed off would he be to know that I thought he was a rat with wings?!
Pretty dang pissed off.
And rightfully so.
But just between you and me (because I don’t think he reads my blog) …… I’m going to pay a little bit more attention to pigeons from now on.

I came home Sunday afternoon, in time for me to make a barre class.
I was beyond exhausted after the weekend and riding a bus 2 1/2 hours back into the city. But I put on my big girl tights and went anyway.
And holy cow.
I only thought I was beyond exhausted before that class.
And in what I can only imagine was a moment of complete insanity brought on by said exhaustion, I signed up for three classes in a row.
Three days in a row.
So this morning, at about 10 minutes into the second in-a-row-class, I was cursing the exhausted me who signed me up for that.
I have no doubt that there will be even more cursing tomorrow morning.

After I got home from Sunday’s class, I heard a lot of car horns going off. And for me to notice that here in this city, means that it really was A LOT!
So I looked out the window to see what was going on and found this:



It was an anti-Putin/pro Ukraine demonstration. And these pictures show only a very small amount of the cars involved. They must’ve gone on for close to a mile.
Never a dull moment around here.

And now I shall leave you with this, which is probably going to start “coloring” many of my posts …… something from OK Cupid.
I really wasn’t going to share much from this “experiment” here, but I’m finding it way too tempting. I just can’t help myself.
Hopefully you’ll understand why.
This is an excerpt from a “match’s” profile (honestly, I could NOT make this stuff up, even if I tried):

My self-summary
Caring, thoughtful, intelligent, well educated, fit guy, in search of a good friend as well as a wonderful lover…. My ideal partner is sweet, intelligent, creative, and seeking the same sort of substantive connection as I am. I have no desire to be possessive, but I do want to be filled with desire when a favorite image of you comes to mind, bringing a smile to my lips, a thrill to my heart, and a charge to my loins….

A “charge to my loins”?!!???! What the hell????
Is there a woman, anywhere on this planet, who would find that enticing??! Because, really? That received a quick and strong DELETE.
And a whole lotta gagging.

Again, don’t be jealous.
We can’t all live this kind of life.
And it can’t be all fun and games, and theatre.
Evidently God feels that there should be some nausea thrown in.
At regular intervals.

And no, I haven’t noticed that I’m getting “more attractive” men.
Sigh ……

There now.
Don’t you feel better about your life?
You’re welcome.

A Totally Hilarious, Yet Also Horrifying ……

…… boost to my ego.
Kind of.

But more about that later.

Thank you so much for the comments here and on Facebook about my last post. Thank you for your kind words, thoughts and prayers, and most of all, love.
I am so grateful that I am surrounded by so much love.
Reading that post still makes me cry, but life moves forward.
And the kids and I will continue to take it one day at a time.

Speaking of life moving forward …… those of you who are involved in Soaring Spirits, or who went to Camp Widow East and attended the workshop Arnie and I led, know that I have gone back on line …… to try out the whole dating thing …… again.
Excuse me while I gag.

I hated it the first time I tried it.
I hated it after meeting a colossal fraud/scammer/widow-hunter.
I hated it when I was asked to co-lead a workshop about it.
But I decided to go back to it, so that I could perhaps be a bit more …… balanced in the workshop.
I still hated it.

I am currently on two dating sites. One that charges a fee (E-Harmony) and one that is free (OK Cupid).
I decided to stay on them for a bit longer because the workshop seemed to be a big hit and we may be doing it at Camp Widow West in July.
And maybe I’d have more to report.

Word, do I have more to report.
And it’s only been about 2 weeks since Camp.
I may have to lead a week-long seminar.

Here’s what I have to say about MY experience with E-Harmony:
It sucks.
Totally and 100%.
Now, I have to tell you that I know of a number of widows (my dear friends) who met their current husbands on that site.
Evidently, E-Harmony hates me.
The feeling is mutual.

I have not met one single person on that site.
Oh sure, they send me “matches” every day or so, but not once has anyone contacted me.
I feel completely invisible on that site.
And I’ve gone out of my comfort zone and sent “smiles” to several men (excuse me while I hurl.)
Yes, I’ve made the first move several times.
E-Harmony is dead to me.

And then there’s OK Cupid.
Where I’ve not only recognized, but reported and scared off 2 (TWO) scammers.
Oh, yeah …… I’m the Immigration of OK Cupid.

In all fairness, I have to tell you that it’s not that difficult to spot most scammers. All it takes is a mediocre grasp of the English language. Like verb tenses. And a few participles.
Because these scammers have no grip on them at all.

So scammer #1 sent me quite a few messages, along with a couple of pictures. He claimed to be an American-born, and NY bred, military man. With a couple of kids.
His use of the English language was something more akin to someone born in a third world country.
So I reverse searched his pictures on Google Images.
And found that the poor guy in the pictures was indeed real, but his pictures have been stolen and used over and over and over again on dating sites to scam women.
I immediately reported scammer #1.

Scammer #2? I toyed with him for about a week.
And enjoyed every moment of it.

He, of course, wanted my email address so that he could send me more pictures and I could send him some (red flag #2, after the broken English red flag). I demurred, stating that since I was so new on this site, I preferred to keep all communication there.
He went along with it, as far as I could tell, with his limited English.
After a few messages I asked him where he was born.
He said, “Ireland.”
But he grew up in NY.
Because most Irish-born people don’t know how to use the word “the” in a sentence. Give me a break.

Then he asked me what I was looking for on that site.
This is what I told him:
“I’m looking for an honest man. A man who won’t pretend that he’s someone he’s not and won’t use someone else’s pictures to try and scam a woman.”
To which he replied, “What do you mean? I do not understand what you say.”
I know.
So I replied, “There are men on this site who use a false name and post false pictures to try to meet women. It’s wrong and it’s illegal (I have no idea if it’s really illegal, but I didn’t care at that point).”
Then I asked, so innocently, “So … how long have you lived in America and do you like it?” (Add a flutter of the eyelashes here.)
Here’s his reply: “Are you one of these people? I have not hear of this. You know much about this.”
This morning, when I saw that last reply, I went on line, trying to think of an amazing come-back. But alas, I found that his picture was gone.
And his account had been deleted.
I know!!!
I totally rocked on that. πŸ™‚

In other OK Cupid news, I went on a date Thursday night.
There will be no second.
I knew that the moment I was telling him about my hip surgery. I can’t remember how that topic came up, but it did. He asked when it had happened. I used one of my major time frame references and said, “It was two years after my husband died.” He then stopped me abruptly by saying, “Wait. Wait. That’s the second time that you’ve said “My husband died”. You don’t need to say it again.”

He left to go to the restroom and I fought myself, biting my cheek and digging my fingernails into my palms, to not cry and not throw something in fury.
In a minute amount of fairness, during our previous phone calls, he had said that he didn’t date widows because the one time he had, the woman had spent the whole time saying, “My husband and I ate there. That’s where my husband proposed to me. My husband worked there. My husband and I used to go there a lot.”
And I get that. I really do.
That woman was not ready to date.
But I didn’t do that.
To me, Jim’s death is a total time reference. Much the way the births of my children are.
After he said that I did ask him if he was threatened by a dead husband. I said that, yes, I had a husband who I loved, but he’s not in competition with anyone. He’s dead. DEAD.
That’s when he went to the rest room.
And that’s when I knew there wouldn’t be a second date.
He texted me today and I answered him curtly.
He’s not totally stupid.
He hasn’t texted or called again.

So there you go.
Don’t be jealous.

And now, as for the title of this post …… I’m mostly speechless.

I received an email last night from OK Cupid.
I was so speechless that I took a screen shot of it.
Which I now share with you.
Buckle your seat belt.
Screen Shot 2014-03-23 at 6.11.29 PM

I know …… it’s too small for you to read. Β You can click on it and then read it …… or you can read this:

We just detected that you’re now among the most attractive people on OkCupid.

We learned this from clicks to your profile and reactions to you in Quickmatch and Quiver. Did you get a new haircut or something?
Well, it’s working!

To celebrate, we’ve adjusted your OkCupid experience:

You’ll see more attractive people in your match results.

This won’t affect your match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match’s answers. But we’ll recommend more attractive people to you. You’ll also appear more often to other attractive people.

Sign in to see your newly-shuffled matches. Have fun, and don’t let this go to your head.

Ummmm, yeah. Hilarious. Ego-boosting. And horrifying.
All at the same time.

So I guess I’ve been getting the dregs of their matches.
Until now.
Now that I’m incredibly popular.
Which, for me, begs the question: How horrible are the rest of the women on this site??!!!!!??

And no, I don’t think I’m a total dog, but I hold no illusions about the facts of age and gravity and their impact on a 50+ year old woman.

All that to say, if you’re a single, semi-attractive woman under the age of 45 or so, you should TOTALLY be on this site!!!! You will own it!!!

I’ll leave you with that.
I’m tired.
And I have to get up for barre class in the morning.
And maybe dream about all of the “attractive matches” I’m now going to receive.
Excuse me while I gag, hurl and laugh hysterically.
All at the same time.