Monthly Archives: October 2015

Halloween ……

…… in New York City is a wee bit different than most places.

First of all, there are apartment buildings instead of houses. And there are retail shops instead of homes. Most of the the shops and restaurants give out candy. I’m guessing the better the restaurant, the better the candy.
Of course that’s only a guess.

There’s a street near me that’s blocked off to all traffic so that children can go trick or treating safely. And with tons of fun. The stoops of the apartment buildings are decorated. Adults stand outside of them, in full costume, and hand out candy. The streets are crowded …… and full of amazingly costumed children/adults/pets. Gracie seemed to be one of the best dressed dogs. Not because I thought so (because I didn’t) …… but based on the comments of passer-bys and the tons of people who asked if they could take her picture. Go figure.

This is the start/welcoming point of the NY Marathon, which starts tomorrow morning and locks all of us who live in this area into our apartments. Seriously. Our buildings will be surrounded by police/security/cement blocks and all leaving/arriving is frowned upon. Until after the marathon. Sounds like a good day to sleep in, right? 🙂

People lined up outside of apartment buildings to get their candy:

This little one was a subway car. His parents did a great job on it!!

My precious Gamma Phi Lady Bug:

The street continued to be blocked off on the other side of the intersection.

We wandered around for a couple of hours. It was fun to watch all of the wee ones and their families. Sometimes, it was also bitter sweet. I’m sure it feels that way for all parents of grown children. Not just those of us with dead spouses. But it was nice to re-live the fun memories.

Evidently those two hours just plain wore out my lady bug:

This is her, passed out cold next to me as I type this.

I went to a show today called, “China Doll”. The following pictures will tell you who starred in it:

Yep, Al Pacino. Yes, THAT Al Pacino.

I’d love to tell you that it was an amazing show and that he did a wonderful job. However.

It seems to me that Mr. Pacino (how’s that for respect?!) plays the same part now, no matter the vehicle. A stuttering, bumbling, old man who doesn’t appear to be able to remember his lines. It was disappointing, to say the least. But …… it was Al Pacino.
So there’s that.

Anyway, it was something to do.
Tomorrow I’m going to see Bruce Willis in “Misery”. You know, that horrific Stephen King story that starred Kathy Bates and James Caan in the movie (which I’ve never seen).
I’m not really looking forward to the story, but hopefully Bruce and Laurie Metcalf (Roseanne’s sister on “Roseanne”) will do a good job.

In between all of that I’m trying to catch up with “Scandal”. Which involves re-watching some of the episodes I’ve already seen because I can’t always remember which ones I’ve watched.
Growing old sucks.

I hope you all have a fun and safe Halloween.
🙂

Thank You ……

5 Replies

…… to those of you who understood.
Or tried to understand.
My last post.

It was nice not to have to read the “judgey” posts that some people have written in the past.
No judgement is needed.
At least, not in my opinion.

I write what I write …… because it’s inside of me and I need to get it out.
Yes, I could write it down ……. and then delete it. But I don’t believe that’s what I’m called to do.
I write it down …… and publish it …… because there are so many others out there who feel what I feel.
And so we connect.
This is my calling.
It certainly won’t change anything.

Jim is dead.
I know he’s dead.
I know he’s never coming back.
No matter what I want.
No matter what I wish for.
He’s dead.

Someone asked me this yesterday: “Are you still grieving?”
I was a bit surprised by that question.
I answered truthfully.
“Yes, I will always grieve for him. Always.”
But I’m no longer in the dark, cold, all-consuming grief that once was.
Thankfully.

His death no longer occupies my every waking moment, my every thought, my every breath.
But I will grieve for him until my last dying breath.
This I know.
And this I can live with.

But my days, my life, are not consumed by my grief.
I continue to live.
I continue to find joy.
With grief in the background.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching lately.
Truthfully, it hasn’t been a difficult job.
Before I continue with this post, I need to tell you that I am not writing this as a “woe is me” post. I’m not looking for sympathy, or a “poor you” attitude.
It is what it is.
And it’s for me to deal with.

I never took Jim for granted.
Hard to believe?
Probably.
But if you were to read through all of my journals …… you’d see that it’s true.
I always thanked God for giving Jim to me.
Always.
I never took him for granted.

And now, I know why.

I never, ever felt good enough to have married him.
I never, ever felt that I deserved him.
Ever.

I have no idea why …… I wonder if anyone ever knows …… why they feel so undeserving.
But I did.
I’ve never felt that I was “good enough”.
And I certainly never felt “good enough” for Jim.
Never.

I was so thankful for him. For the gift of him. To be his wife.
No, we didn’t always agree on everything, nor did we always get along on certain points.
But we moved past that.
Always.

And I was always so thankful that he was in my life.
I was thankful for our beautiful, wonderful six children.
But more so, for him.

So when he died …… it almost made sense.
I was never good enough.
And that finally caught up with me.

I didn’t deserve him.
And so he died.
I finally got what I deserved.

So here I am.
Living life without him.
Not the life I wanted.
Not the life I’d planned.
But the life I deserve.

And now I have to navigate this road that tells me that God does indeed love me, but on which I feel most unloved.
I have to move past these feelings of being unloved, undeserving.
And I hope that I will.
I’m trying.

It’s easy enough to say, “God loves me”.
It’s all together different to really embrace it.
It’s a work in progress.

I am a work in progress.
I don’t think I’m the only one.
So to those of you who find yourself on this path …… hopefully we can navigate it together.

My mind knows that I’m good enough ……in God’s eyes.
My heart just needs to catch up.

Damn ……

5 Replies

…… that’s all.
Just damn.
No, that’s not true.
Here’s what I want to say:
Damn it to hell!
That’s the worst I can think of without using the F word.
Just damn it all to hell.

What, you may ask, caused this kind of reaction?
Well, I’ll tell you.

Something wonderful.
So wonderful.
And so painful and loving and amazing and lonely.
And …… something so ordinary.

I miss him.
Oh my God, I miss him.
I want him to be here.
I’m tired of being here without him.
I’m lonely.

No matter where I am ……
No matter what city I live in ……
No matter how busy I keep myself ……
He should be here.

Daughter #3 is planning her wedding.
Which will be here in less than 5 months.
I am so thrilled and excited and happy for her.
And for him.
Truly.

But ……
Jim should be here.
He should be here to laugh with me about the angst and stress and wonderfulness of the plans they are making.
He should be here to agree with me that we couldn’t be more happy with the new addition of Son #4.
He should be here to help me help her.
He.
Should.
Be.
Here.

Damnit.
Damn it all to hell.

People Say ……

2 Replies

…… they won’t forget.
But I think they do.

Not that I blame them.
Because life marches on.
For everyone.
And if you don’t live it every single day …… how can you not forget?

This is the month that the American Heart Association holds their annual Heart Walk. Last year our school district in Texas participated in the walk. They did more than participate …… they formed a team in Jim’s name.
When I received the email asking if I’d be ok with that …… I was speechless.
And touched to the depth of my soul.
Because they remembered.

Jim died of an aortic dissection.
In perfect health one minute …… at death’s door the next.
Four months later, his mother died of complications after having valve replacement surgery.
The American Heart Association is close to my heart …… no pun intended.

This year Team Eggers will walk again.
They still remember.
And it still brings tears to my eyes.

I hate asking people for money.
I’m not very good at it, so I try to do it only two times a year.
Once for this walk …… and once in December around the time of Jim’s death …… for my beloved Soaring Spirits.
The organization that gave me hope and continues to do that for millions (yes, millions) of other widowed people.

So this week I wrote a post on Facebook about the walk, and shared the link of my donation page.
I didn’t make a big deal about it.
I just shared it and asked people to donate.
In memory of Jim.

Maybe I should’ve made a bigger deal.
I don’t think anyone checked out the link.
One person “liked” my post.
And she’s a widowed sister.
She also tries to raise money each year to fight the disease that killed her husband.
There are a lot of us out here.

And there are a lot of causes asking for money.
I get that.
And I get that time marches on.
I also understand how memories fade.
Heck, sometimes I can’t remember what I did last week.

Maybe I should take lessons in fundraising.
Or maybe I should stop bugging people about donating.
I certainly wish I didn’t have a reason to want to raise money for the Heart Association.
I also wish that I didn’t live with the memory of that night.
Almost eight years ago.

Yes, some memories fade.
Some …… never will.

Settling In ……

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…… to my Fall schedule here in NY.
I think.

I just had a great week and a half with my friend J visiting me for a week, and then with Son #1 who came for the long weekend. The best part of their visits? We didn’t have to go and see everything. We enjoyed just hanging out with each other and seeing a few things.
I think I’m done with being the official NY tour guide.
Seriously.

Son #1 and I walked down to Times Square on Sunday and hung out there for a while. It’s a great place to people watch.
I took him by the Ed Sullivan Theatre so that he could see the new Stephen Colbert signs. That’s when we noticed signs in the window that stated (more or less), “If you want to get stand by tickets, come back here at 1:00 tomorrow”. And so we did. We were number 17 in the stand by line.
They told us to come back at 4:15, when they would randomly pick numbers to fill in the stand by seats.
So we explored the south end of the city for quite a while before heading back to the theatre to see if our number was picked.
And it was.
Whoop!

We had a great time being in that audience. We were up in the balcony, but had a great view of Elvis Costello and all things Colbert. It was definitely worth the two waits.
After that exciting day we came back to the apartment, heated up leftover Thai food, and watched “King Kong”, with Jack Black. Not a great movie, but it was more about the company than the movie.
I love spending time with my kids.
As does Gracie Lou. ❤

Today I went to BSF (Bible Study Fellowship), which is a great Bible study in any city. This year we’re studying Revelation, which should be a very interesting and exciting study. I’m hoping to make friends with other Christian women in NY and getting to know more people here.
It would’ve helped if my Uber ride hadn’t taken 4o minutes to do a 15 minute drive.
So yeah, I was pretty late by the time I got there.
But there’s always next week. 🙂

I came home afterwards to relax for a bit before I went to my very first Improv class at the theatre where I volunteer.
I wasn’t too sure about doing this, but I’m so glad that I went. It was great fun and I can’t wait until next week.

I left that theatre and headed to a movie theater to see a screening of a new movie called, “Truth”. It’s about CBS and Dan Rather and all of the crap that went down with him and them.
It was very good.

Tomorrow I’m heading to the Meredith Vieira show with my friend, Kelley. That should be fun. Even if it’s not, Kelley and I always have fun together. In fact, there’s a huge chance that we might get thrown out of the audience.
Maybe.

Then tomorrow night I’m going to another movie screening of something called “Room”. I’m not too sure about this one, but hey, it’s free.
We’ll see if “free” makes it worth while.

Thank you to all of you who commented here, on Facebook, by email, or text on my previous post. It helps more than you can know. I’m always humbled when I write something that connects with someone else. Your comments let me know that I’m not alone. And that’s huge.

That’s it for tonight. I can’t keep my eyes open so it’s time to hit the hay before I type something very, very embarrassing.
Yes, it’s happened.

Good night one and all.
I hope you have a wonderful Wednesday.
Oh, and be sure to watch/record the Meredith Vieira show. Who know what/who you might see?!
🙂

Sometimes I Wonder ……

13 Replies

…… if Jim would be proud of me.
Of our family.
Of how I’ve done.

I wish that I could answer in the affirmative. 100% yes, of course he would.
But I can’t.

Our children were all at such vulnerable ages when he died. I think they’ve questioned so very much since that day almost 8 years ago.
I myself have had my fair share of questions. And my fair share of shifts in beliefs.

I don’t pray the same way I used to.
I don’t believe some of the things I used to.
Fundamentally, I still believe that I am a follower of Christ.
But I no longer pray for specific outcomes. Instead, I pray for peace, strength and love to surround people who will need those things.
I don’t believe that prayer changes the outcome.
If I believed that, then I’d have to believe that God sees some people as better than others.
That some people are worth saving, while others are not.

I can’t, and I don’t, believe in a God who thinks that way.

If some of the beliefs I used to hold have changed, then how can I not think that my children’s beliefs have changed?
Of course they have.
I just wish they hadn’t changed so much.

I can understand the changes.
Truly, I can.
Our life was one way.
And in a matter of hours, it was not.
I can understand how that can change a person.

I just wish that these changes didn’t scare me.
Didn’t make me feel that I, in some way, have failed my children.
Because I do.
100%.

Maybe if I hadn’t grieved so long and so hard, their beliefs wouldn’t’ have changed.
Maybe if part of me wouldn’t have died the day Jim died, they’d still hold on strong to their faith.

Or maybe none of this would’ve mattered anyway.
My children are individuals, with their own thoughts, their own beliefs, their own faith.
And maybe, if Jim were still alive, they’d still be struggling with their own individual beliefs.
Maybe.

I’ll never know.

All I know is that one day we seemed to be a family of one faith and one belief …… and now we are not.
What could I have done …… what should I have done …… to avoid this?

What would Jim say?

I wish I knew.

Or do I?

There Should Be Two ……

6 Replies

…… hearts sharing this wonderful and exciting time in Daughter #3’s life.

There should be two of us hugging each other in our excitement, love and tears at how thrilled we are for her and yet how fast time has flown.
There should be two of us thinking that it was only yesterday when she started kindergarten.
There should be two of us talking about what a wonderful man she’s chosen to spend the rest of her life with.

There should be two.
But there’s not.
There’s just me.
Just me thinking all of this and wishing he were here.

I truly am happy, excited and thrilled for my beloved daughter.
And for the man who will become my son.
This young man who reminds me so very much of Jim.
There’s no better compliment that I could give him.

But there should have been two of us there when he asked me for my blessing in marrying our daughter.
We both should have been there to give him that blessing.
Yet there was only me feeling like my heart would burst from the love of her becoming one with him.
And only me feeling like my heart would break because Jim wasn’t there.

I’m so excited at this new chapter in her life. In their lives.
And I’m so lonely without him here to share this excitement with me.
He would love this young man.
He would agree that we now have a Son #4.
He would agree that Christ will be the 3rd person in this marriage, and we couldn’t ask for more.
He would agree that this man will love our daughter the way that she deserves to be loved.
Just as Jim loved me.

There should be two of us.
But there’s not.

There’s just me.
Standing in for the two of us.
Knowing that he’d be proud of this man and happy for our daughter.

That knowledge helps.
A lot.
But it’s still just me.

Where there should be two.

	Jo Ann Cook on Do You Need Anything …
	mysecondplana on So Many ……
	Chris, who lurks on So Many ……
	mysecondplana on Living in Limbo ……
	Sharon on Living in Limbo ……

My Second Plan A

After my first Plan A ended tragically, and all too soon, I came up with my second Plan A. It took a while, but now I'm ready to live again. And live fully.