So Many ……

…… mixed feelings.

Today I close on an apartment. After 10 years (and a hurl-inducing amount of rent payments) I decided to purchase. I’ve spent months looking online and in person. It’s taken months to get to this closing. (Buying a home in NYC is NOT like buying one in Texas. It’s complicated. Very complicated.)

People keep asking me if I’m excited.
I can’t say that I am.
I have mixed feelings.
It’s bittersweet, like so much has been over the past 15 years.

I’ve been in the same building these 10 years.
I’ve made good friends.
I love the people who work here.
To say that I will miss being here, next to Central Park and across from Lincoln Center is an understatement.

I’m moving to a totally different area of the city.
At first I didn’t want that.
But then I figured that it’s time to learn a new part of the city.
And so I will.

It’s not excitement that I feel, exactly.
It’s more like hope.
Hope that I’m not making a huge mistake.
Hope that this apartment will truly feel like home to me.
Hope that interest rates will go back down and I can re-finance. 😉
Hope that nothing breaks down for a least a year.
Hope that I’m going to absolutely love living in this place.

So much hope.
That word has guided me since Jim’s death.
It’s a small world but it holds so very much.

Hope was waiting for me as I walked through the Valley of Death.
It was a long walk.
Hope helped me believe that my kids would be alright.
Beyond alright.
Hope helped me find so many wonderful friends on this same path.
Lifelong friends.

Hope brought me here to NY.
Hope helped me find new friends.
Lifelong friends.
Hope had a big part in bringing me grandchildren.
Hope is a pretty calming companion.

Hope is like a living being.
It can be very, very small and then morph into something very, very huge.
It ebbs and flows.
Sometimes it seems to disappear completely, but it doesn’t really.
It just waits for us to be ready to see it again.
It’s always there.

So, I have hope.
I also have some sadness, trepidation and melancholy.
Mixed feelings.
My life has been full of mixed feelings since Jim died.
And that’s as it should be.

7 thoughts on “So Many ……

  1. Jo Ann Cook

    I love all of your writing, Janine, but I love this best! Hope is my constant companion, and I hope it never leaves my side. The few times that I lost hope, I felt empty; but hope always returned. I agree with all of your beautiful sentences, and I will read them over and over! Thanks for being brave enough to open your heart to many!

  2. Karin Sobeck

    Beautifully written, Janine, and very poignant. I feel the ache in your writing because I have been there too. It has been 17 years since Ted died and I think of him every time I make my bed…silly reason…..a gray beret sits on the head of a big Teddy Bear I bought when we were together. The day he died I placed the beret on the bear’s head and make sure the fur around its eyes is clear because Ted had problems with macular degeneration for months before he died. For an author and professor, that was so unfair! I also remember being playful with each other in the grocery store when I would reach behind him and grab his little butt(Ted’s, not the bears!). The bear’s butt is about the size and feel of Ted’s butt and it always makes me smile once a day. The great thing about living in NYC is so many neighborhoods to explore and this is just one more adventure! I know you to be a very strong woman who charts her own path and this one will be successful because of who you are!

  3. Frances Rubin

    It’s so good to hear from you again. Congratulations on your new apartment. I’ll miss the old one too.
    I can’t believe it’s been 15 years! Good luck on your move

  4. Chris, who lurks

    Oh Janine, I’m sending love your way. Moving (and buying) is such a huge thing. And, I relate. I joined the club early last year. Through a strange confluence of events I found love again- I wasn’t looking, it came and found me in the guise of a widower friend. At any rate, I’m currently working on all the things to move in with him and his kids. And put my house up for rent because it’s silly to have 2 houses. But, it’s so many feelings, and bittersweet seems to the title of this chapter of life.

    Thinking of you. I hope the move is wonderful for you!


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