15 ……

It’s  a substantial number, right?

I mean, it’s not a huge number (depending on one’s perspective) but it’s certainly a number worth celebrating.


The fifteenth year that I have blogged about this date.
The fifteenth year that the tears have come.
The fifteenth year that my children have not had their father.
The fifteenth year his friends and family have missed his presence.
The fifteenth year that I’ve lived (depending on one’s perspective) with an ache in my heart. The severity has dimmed but the ache is still there.

It’s a number that can seem like eons.
It’s a number that can be gone in a flash.
It’s a number that can seem like nothing.
It’s a number that seems unfathomable.

The number of years my children have pushed forward, even after having fallen back.
The number of years where many friends became so much more.
The number of years I’ve wandered, trying new places, people and food.
The number of years my heart has continued to grow and love new friends, who became so much more.

Yes, 15 is a substantial number.

But there are others.

The number of years it took me to remember that Jim and I had talked about moving to NY.

The number of years it took me to give up the fight and follow my heart to NY full time.

The number of years I’ve been a Gigi.

The number of sons and daughters I now have, thanks to my children.

The number of years I’ve lived in NY.

The number of years I had Jim.

The number of years (minus 3 weeks) he lived and the number of years he impacted people.

The number of years I have survived, strengthened, grown, messed up and kept going.

The number of years I’ll love him.

6 thoughts on “15 ……

  1. Maureen

    I will never forget the day I found Widow’s Voice…….found you. It saved my life after Andrew died. That was over 12 years and I relate to every word you write every time you write it. From the bottom of my heart thank you and please keep writing. Maureen New York

  2. Natalie Shellhouse

    We’ll always remember Jim for the amazing man, husband, father and friend he was. Your words are beautiful but heart wrenching at the same time. I’ve been thinking of you all week and I’m thankful you’re with your precious family. Love to all of you. We love you and we’ll always love and remember Jim.

  3. Jo Ann Cook

    This is beautifully written, Janine! I’m sending love and understanding of what you are expressing! I, also, understand loving forever. You are a strong woman and I thank you for the help you’ve given me. Always, Jo Ann

  4. Saundra bukys

    Thanks for sharing. I am newer to this journey but it still hurts so bad. I still think he might come thru the door and this is all a nightmare. My loss was 2 yrs in November


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s