Monthly Archives: April 2016

Thoughts, Emotions, Fears, Doubts ……


…… you name it, it’s been swirling through my brain every single night lately.

I twist and turn and turn and twist.
My body feels like …… I don’t know how to explain it other than it feels like I’m jumping out of my skin.

Each day I wake up earlier than the day before.
This morning it was at 2:58.

The thoughts?
Sadness due to death …… again.
Feeling overwhelmed.
Actually, that makes me laugh.
I am so BEYOND overwhelmed that I have no words for it.
Houses to buy.
Houses to sell that no one’s looking at.
HOA dues.
Stay in NY?
Leave NY?
Fighting with internet companies.
Yes, I still have no internet in my apartment.
Calling new utility companies to begin service.
Getting things in order for a closing tomorrow.
Trying to find a moving company.
Wondering what the hell I’m doing.
Missing Jim too much for words.

My stepmother died yesterday.
The person I wanted, I needed, to turn to, to be held by while I cried …… is the person I want most in the world.
The person who’s not here.
And never will be here.

Instead, I sat alone in my house.
You know, the usual.
And cried.
With no one.
As usual.
God, that sucks so much.

A few weeks ago, while I was at home in Texas, I went out to dinner with a friend.
As I walked through the restaurant I saw a sweet friend I hadn’t seen in a long time.
She had seen “Fixer Upper” and we talked about that for a bit. She said that she heard I was moving to Waco.
Then she said, “When they decide when they’re throwing you a goodbye party, please tell them to include me.”
I stopped for a moment, not able to say anything.
And then I just kind of stammered, “Ummmm, there won’t be a party.”
To which she replied, “Oh, don’t be silly, of course there’ll be a party! And I want to be there!”

But …… there really won’t be a party.
Probably for many reasons.
I don’t have that many friends left.
No one would think to do that.
I’ve been slowly moving away from there since I first went to NY.
But even before then, the friends had faded away.

My moving to Waco won’t even be a blip on the radar in Kingwood.
And I’m not writing that in a “woe is me” kind of way.
It is what it is.
For several reasons.
There’s no one to blame.
Unless it’s me.
But I won’t take all of it.

Life has moved forward.
And I don’t think I’ve been the widow that many would’ve liked me to be.
For whatever that’s worth.
Hell, I haven’t always been the widow I would’ve liked me to be.
Too bad there’s not a book that leads you through the loss of the most important person in your life.
Step by step.

It’s scary how fast and how much your life can change in such a short time.
How you can go from being surrounded by too many friends to count, a great and loving family …… to being mostly alone all of the time, no matter where you are.
For me, it’s much easier to be alone in a city where I don’t really know anyone, than being alone in a place where I used to have hundreds of friends.

Which makes it easier to leave and move to Waco.
The number one reason to move there is to be closer to the kids.
And the grandkid.
And now the parents.
And some extended family.
And …… Waco’s becoming kind of cool.
Who would’ve thunk?

Tonight I’ll be prepared when I go to bed.
Instead of getting out of bed at 3:00 a.m. to find my diffuser and natural oils (thank you, Beth) …… I’ll get them going before I go to bed.
Because they helped.
Although I can’t say if it was that …… or the Xanax I swallowed at 3:01 a.m.
I’m sure it was both.

All I know is that I need one really good night’s sleep.
Six to eight hours without waking up in a panic, thinking of all of the things I need to get done, am responsible for, haven’t done right, have to do alone, wish I’d done differently, need to add to my list, need to remove from my list, need to re-do, etc.

Maybe now that I’ve put this out in the universe, my mind will be free of its clutter.
I’m trying to not laugh so hard that I can’t type.
But I can always hope.

And I can especially hope that I’m not the only widow/person who’s felt this way.

Holy Moley ……

…… sometimes life just sneaks up and bites you once in awhile to make sure you’re still ticking.

Or at least that’s how it feels.
To me.

To be honest, it’s just “first world” problems. Which means that I really shouldn’t be complaining.
But this happens to be my blog so there you go.

I am on day six (6) of having no internet or cable. That’s because I have (had) Verizon. Which broke last Wednesday.
That would be the same day that their repairmen/repair people went on strike.
Don’t you just love it?

Verizon and I parted ways last night, much to the dismay of the poor foreign man on the phone.
I really didn’t leave him any room to negotiate. I told him that he had to either send me the boxes to put their equipment in so that I could send it back …… or I would throw it out of my window.

He totally gave in at that point.

If you live in a house full of people, you can’t possibly understand how isolating it is to have no tv.
No news.
No weather.
No company.

It’s down right depressing.

Last night I decided to take the bull by the horns (so to speak) and went next door to Best Buy and bought a TV antenna.
After hooking it up I decided to become a rebel/cord cutter.
Which makes me feel free and kind of scared all at the same time.
I mean, I’ve grown to love having a DVR.
And the ability to watch whatever I want to watch whenever I want to watch it.

But I’ve gone off the grid.
And am going to attempt to live with free TV channels, even if that means I can’t always get NBC and CBS (because I can’t, for some odd reason).

I still don’t have internet but am hoping that will be resolved soon with another provider.
Thankfully I can go up to the top floor of my building and use the free internet there.
As long as I can stand the heat.
For some strange reason (money, maybe?), they’re not turning the AC on up there yet.
Even though the temps were in the low 80’s this afternoon.
Which makes a floor totally surrounded by glass a bit on the warm side.

But there I go again …… complaining about first world problems.

Other than that, NY has been great.
I’ve seen a few shows, hung out in the Park with Gracie, spent time with friends, and done a couple of volunteer shifts at the theatre.

I’ve also spent an unholy amount of time waiting in my apartment for Verizon people to not show up, but I won’t go there.
But boy, did that suck.

And then there was tonight.
I was cooking one of my Blue Apron meals, which I just received for the first time on Friday.
I had to bake chicken and mushrooms at a rather high temp (in my opinion …. 475).
It wasn’t long before my smoke alarm went off.

But then it stopped.
And went off again.
And stopped.
I opened the windows (the stove vent was already on full blast) to try to alleviate the problem.
I’m not sure how much time passed before I noticed something …… the smoke alarm on my floor was going off.
I opened my door to check it out and saw a couple of people down the hall, looking like they were trying to make sense of what was going on.
And trying to decide if they should flee the building.
I shut my door.

About 20 minutes later (with the alarm going off that entire time) there was a knock at my door.
One of the maintenance men was checking to make sure I hadn’t been burned to a crisp.
Although it’s kind of funny that he evidently wasn’t in that much of a hurry to check on that.
He seemed to know that I’d been “cooking”. He asked if I was alright. I thought about pausing for a moment to look myself up and down before I answered, but I didn’t.
I told him that I was fine. And that the apartment was fine.
Which he then relayed to the people standing out in the hall.
Which now means that I will have to check the hallway before I leave my apartment.
Because I’m totally embarrassed to be seen by any of those people who stood out in the hall for 20 minutes, wondering if they should flee the building.

There you go.
Life in the big city.
First world problems.

Kind of stupid and very silly on the grand scheme of things.
But totally stressful and very embarrassing when you’re right in the middle of them.

Two things are apparent because of all of this:
1. I am a rebel (duh!)
And …
2. I still (really) hate to cook.
Even with Blue Apron.

I Really Am Happy ……

…… but it’s always a happiness tinged with some sadness.
I certainly don’t choose to have that sadness there.
I don’t invite it in.
I don’t even think about it sometimes.
It just appears.

I leave for NY tomorrow morning.
And I’m more than ready to get back there.
And not only because I’m going to be in the audience (AND the after party!) of SNL Saturday night (WHOOP!!!).
But I’ve been away too long.
It’s time to go back.
Even if it’s only for a couple of weeks.

I close on the Waco house at the end of this month.
I’m excited about that house.
I look forward to living in it.
But yet ……
There’s sadness.

I love my Kingwood house.
I haven’t lived in it as long as I thought I would.
It’s a great house.
I’ll miss it.

I’ve lived in Kingwood for almost 25 years.
Almost eight and half years without Jim.
It’s time to leave.
Which makes me happy …… and yet makes me sad.
So many mixed feelings.

I miss him.

Life moves forward.
In spite of him not being here.
Things change.
Homes are sold.
Houses are bought.
Children grow up.
They get married.
They have children.
In spite of him not being here.
Happiness tinged with sadness.

In other news …… kind of …… I received a check in the mail a couple of days ago.
It was for $5,000.00. From the people who bought the lake house.
Surprise, surprise.
And since they sent it …… I guess I won’t publish their names here.
You know I’d love to.
But I’m taking the high road.

So I’ll see you from New York.
Be sure to watch SNL Saturday night.
Not because you’ll see me in the audience.
But so we can exchange notes afterwards.
And so you can find out if I stayed awake to join the after party at 1:00 a.m.
Care to place a bet?