Thoughts, Emotions, Fears, Doubts ……

 

…… you name it, it’s been swirling through my brain every single night lately.
Every.
Single.
Night.

I twist and turn and turn and twist.
My body feels like …… I don’t know how to explain it other than it feels like I’m jumping out of my skin.

Each day I wake up earlier than the day before.
This morning it was at 2:58.
A.M.

The thoughts?
Sadness due to death …… again.
Feeling overwhelmed.
Actually, that makes me laugh.
I am so BEYOND overwhelmed that I have no words for it.
Houses to buy.
Houses to sell that no one’s looking at.
Mortgages.
HOA dues.
Taxes.
Stay in NY?
Leave NY?
Fighting with internet companies.
Yes, I still have no internet in my apartment.
Calling new utility companies to begin service.
Getting things in order for a closing tomorrow.
Trying to find a moving company.
Wondering what the hell I’m doing.
Missing Jim too much for words.
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.

My stepmother died yesterday.
The person I wanted, I needed, to turn to, to be held by while I cried …… is the person I want most in the world.
The person who’s not here.
And never will be here.

Instead, I sat alone in my house.
You know, the usual.
And cried.
With no one.
As usual.
God, that sucks so much.

A few weeks ago, while I was at home in Texas, I went out to dinner with a friend.
As I walked through the restaurant I saw a sweet friend I hadn’t seen in a long time.
She had seen “Fixer Upper” and we talked about that for a bit. She said that she heard I was moving to Waco.
Then she said, “When they decide when they’re throwing you a goodbye party, please tell them to include me.”
I stopped for a moment, not able to say anything.
And then I just kind of stammered, “Ummmm, there won’t be a party.”
To which she replied, “Oh, don’t be silly, of course there’ll be a party! And I want to be there!”

But …… there really won’t be a party.
Probably for many reasons.
I don’t have that many friends left.
No one would think to do that.
I’ve been slowly moving away from there since I first went to NY.
But even before then, the friends had faded away.
Mostly.

My moving to Waco won’t even be a blip on the radar in Kingwood.
And I’m not writing that in a “woe is me” kind of way.
It is what it is.
For several reasons.
There’s no one to blame.
Unless it’s me.
But I won’t take all of it.

Life has moved forward.
And I don’t think I’ve been the widow that many would’ve liked me to be.
For whatever that’s worth.
Hell, I haven’t always been the widow I would’ve liked me to be.
Too bad there’s not a book that leads you through the loss of the most important person in your life.
Step by step.

It’s scary how fast and how much your life can change in such a short time.
How you can go from being surrounded by too many friends to count, a great and loving family …… to being mostly alone all of the time, no matter where you are.
For me, it’s much easier to be alone in a city where I don’t really know anyone, than being alone in a place where I used to have hundreds of friends.

Which makes it easier to leave and move to Waco.
The number one reason to move there is to be closer to the kids.
And the grandkid.
And now the parents.
And some extended family.
And …… Waco’s becoming kind of cool.
Who would’ve thunk?

Tonight I’ll be prepared when I go to bed.
Instead of getting out of bed at 3:00 a.m. to find my diffuser and natural oils (thank you, Beth) …… I’ll get them going before I go to bed.
Because they helped.
Although I can’t say if it was that …… or the Xanax I swallowed at 3:01 a.m.
I’m sure it was both.

All I know is that I need one really good night’s sleep.
Six to eight hours without waking up in a panic, thinking of all of the things I need to get done, am responsible for, haven’t done right, have to do alone, wish I’d done differently, need to add to my list, need to remove from my list, need to re-do, etc.
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.

Maybe now that I’ve put this out in the universe, my mind will be free of its clutter.
I’m trying to not laugh so hard that I can’t type.
But I can always hope.

And I can especially hope that I’m not the only widow/person who’s felt this way.
Hopefully.

12 thoughts on “Thoughts, Emotions, Fears, Doubts ……

  1. Pingback: Thoughts, Emotions, Fears, Doubts …… | My Second Plan A

  2. Shelly

    Well, I for one am so happy to have my Sonic buddy here in #wacotown as of TOMORROW! I know you will love it here and Waco’s always been cool, we just kept it a secret…bahahahahahaha I tried so hard not to laugh while I typed that!

    Reply
  3. JSP

    I wasn’t the widow anyone thought I should be, and most before people are gone from my life. I get mad at myself for my mistakes, and I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic a lot. When you wrote on the Widow’s Voice blog, you were the first person that described perfectly what it felt like, and so I knew I would come out of the ugliness, but that it wouldn’t magically disappear and it would be something I would live with differently. Reading your words is like having a mentor, and I am glad you are still writing. I made a point of watching Fixer Upper that night. Your daughters are lovely young women. Waco looks pretty. I hope you are happy with the move when it’s all settled.

    Reply
  4. fralfano

    You are not alone in your feelings. You put into words the exact feelings I have been experiencing. Thank you for your honesty!

    Reply
  5. Sharon Ellis McCuistian

    You are still my hero- I call you my BFF that I’ve never met to my friends!! When reading your blog on Widow’s Voice- I could always relate to what you said. It is 4 years yesterday for me- he was gone in an instant 4 years ago yesterday. Still so hard to believe. You helped me so much by your words so it makes me sad when your words tell of this not being a good time for you. I always told people about you and how you inspired me to have a Plan C- I didn’t know what my plan A or B for sure, but plan C depending on other situations in my life was to move to NYC to be close to my daughter who lives there. I hate so badly to hear that you are not in a completely good place- I think moving to Waco will be a really good thing!! I wish you many, many good days ahead!!

    Reply
    1. mysecondplana Post author

      Oh, Sharon, I LOVE you! And am honored to be a BFF. At least at this point in my life, these “phases” pass much more quickly than they used to. And I always know I’ll be ok. Sooner or later.❤

      Reply

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