…… and I’m feeling all of the feels.

So it’s been a week.
The first two days I felt a huge sense of relief to be away from it.
I was glad to not be inundated with political crap.
I was glad to not find out which friends are racist.
I was happy to have more time to do other things.

After a few days I started to miss posting things.
I would see something interesting or thought provoking or extraordinarily cute and think, “I need to post that”, only to remember that I don’t currently do that.

And then I remembered that I’m a member of a few groups that I need to stay connected with.
So that was a conundrum.
I didn’t take that into consideration when I cut FB out of my life.
So I may be back sooner than I expected.
But definitely not until after the election.

This week has been a week full of feelings.
Relief.
Happiness.
Freedom.
Anger.
Sadness.
Lots and lots of sadness.

I’m sad that Christian friends I’ve known and worshipped with for over 20 years have shown their racist colors.

I’m sad that many places here in my city are starting to board up their windows and doors in preparation for the election.
This is a picture I took today of a store on my block:

Bloomingdale’s and Macy’s have boarded up, too.
Macy’s is now hidden behind a depth of 5 boards.  

How sad is that?
I’ve never experienced this kind of thing over an election.
An election.
A practice of democracy.
Something that usually brings excitement, pride and anticipation.
Not this year.
This year it brings mainly sadness.

I’m sad that I can’t just go off and visit my grandchildren whenever I want to.
A visit now requires testing and quarantining.
And then quarantining some more.

I’m sad that, before I deactivated my FB account, I unfriended a friend.
It was my first unfriending in the last 4 years, for reasons related to, but not solely based on, politics.
This wasn’t political for me.
It was based on racism.

I can agree to disagree with the best of them.
I have more friends than I can count with whom I disagree with politically.
I have more family members than I’d like to have with whom I disagree.
But …… racism.
That’s a whole other ballgame.

When what you think affects what the future may look like for these two loves in my life …… you’re out.

That’s not even something I will think twice about.
I won’t agree to disagree.
I won’t give you the benefit of doubt.
I won’t listen to your explanation.
I will cut you from my life.
And that’s that.

When I look at a picture of those two incredible human beings …… I feel tremendous joy, immense pride, unfathomable love …… and incredible sadness.

Sadness for the ignorance, the denial, the hate that is in our country.
All based on the melatonin in their skin.

I also feel fear.
Deep, soul crushing fear for what their future might hold.
Based on the melatonin in their skin.

So much love.
So much fear. 
So much anger.
So much exhaustion.

So many feels.