Tag Archives: Hope

2021 ……

…… has come and will hopefully become a much better year than its predecessor.
Although it didn’t start off too well, did it?

I think I’m going to just skip the political crap, other than to say that it’s a breath of fresh air to have a sane, caring and ethical man in the White House.
I do not for one second think that the bat shit craziness is over, but I’m choosing to look forward with hope.
Hope helps.

So, when last I left you we were still waiting for the election.
It’s been awhile.

While all of my kids and their kids have been healthy and well, Covid didn’t leave us unscathed.
My father in law died shortly before Thanksgiving …… from Covid. He went into the hospital for a fractured pelvis but did well there. Then they sent him to rehab. The day he went into rehab, a Friday, he tested negative. By Monday he was positive. He died 8 days later.
Alone.
I went to Oklahoma for the small, socially distanced* funeral. All 3 of my sons went. As well as my daughter in law (my grandson stayed safely home). Covid and distance kept my daughters away.
He was 95 and lived a very good life.
He was happy and blessed.
And he didn’t deserve to die from that.
Nor did the other 437,000+ people in our country.
T.A.N.W.

I had plans to go to Texas for the holidays the week of Christmas and then return shortly after Christmas.
The best laid plans.

Daughter #2 received two foster children the week of Thanksgiving. The first was a 2 year old girl. Sixteen hours later she received a 3 month old boy.
She was a wee bit overwhelmed.
So I changed my trip and went to Texas on Dec 1st, thinking I’d return on Jan 3.
Again …… those dang plans.

Things were hoppin’ at her house. The kids all seemed to adapt to one another, for the most part. The boys actually did much better than I expected. They seemed to enjoy having a little sister. Most of the time.
They loved having a little brother. All of the time.
The two year old was, naturally, a two year old.
Her favorite word was “NO!”
This got old after the first two times.
And it got really old when 3 year old E started to copy it.
At school.
But I think D#2 nipped that in the bud.
Good for her.

We celebrated Christmas at her house. All of my kids came, which was wonderful.
Everyone quarantined and tested and quarantined some more.
We social distanced* the best we could and no one ended up getting Covid.
Yay for that.
It was great to see everyone, especially Daughter#1, whom I hadn’t seen since last Christmas.
Stupid Covid.

After Christmas I decided to stay and help D2 a little longer. It seemed that the little girl would soon be placed with a relative so I thought I’d stay to help.
She was a lot.
It took a bit longer than we thought but she was finally transitioned on Jan 18th.
I flew back to NY the next day.
I don’t waste time.

While it was wonderful to hang with my grandsons and my daughter, I missed my own space.
My own, very quiet, very peaceful space.
Grand-parenting can be exhausting!
Or maybe that’s just me.
Whatever. I own it.

All of my kids and grands are doing well.
Son #3 graduated from law school in December, a semester early.
Now he needs to decide where he wants to live/work/take the Bar.
I thought he’d be staying in Colorado, but it appears that may not be the case.
He’s thinking about moving to NYC.
While it would be nice to have him closer (not too close, he has 2 big dogs so that ensures he won’t live with me!), I think he might need a reality check.
But …… I’m not the one to give that.
He’s 26 and will do whatever he thinks is best.
I’ll just sit back and watch.
I just hope that he’ll be happy wherever he lands.

I’d totally love it if more of my kids moved up here.
They all seem to love NY, though a couple may love it only as a place to visit.
It will be interesting to see what the future holds.
Who knows?
I may decide to move somewhere else.
But not for two years.
I have a lease.
They kind of frown when you break those.

I passed the 13 year mark of widowhood in December.
Unimaginable.
Yet true.
I still think of him every day.
I still miss him every day.
I don’t expect those two things to change.
Ever.

His birthday was earlier this month.
This was the first time that I didn’t post that on FB.
I’m not sure why.
Was that a sign of “growth”?
Or maybe that I just didn’t want to go there?
In all honesty, I completely forgot what day it was.
Helping out with four kids all under the age of 6 can do that to a person.
I rarely knew what day of the week it was, let alone the date.
One of my daughters reminded me.
And then a lovely friend from the past called me.
We hadn’t talked in a long time so that felt wonderful and special.
Other than that …… it was just a date.
To many people.
I’m not sure what that says so I won’t read anything into it.
As the saying goes, “It is what it is.”

New York is doing pretty well.
Other than that no theatre thing.
Indoor dining will return to 25% capacity on Feb 14th.
We’re still low in numbers compared to most other states.
Almost everyone here wears a mask without having to be yelled at.
The vaccine has, like most other places, disappeared for now.
But hopefully that will be rectified.

I’m doing well.
I still love being here, even if I can’t go out to do what I want.
I seem to keep busy doing pretty much nothing.
Well, I’m in two book clubs and a movie club that meets twice a month. We watch 3 movies every two weeks. It’s not as fun as going out to a movie together but it’s still fun to see those faces every two weeks.
I’m taking my second course of American Sign Language over Zoom every week.
I finished the first one over Christmas.
It may or may not be starting to eat my lunch now.
I need to practice more.

I play Mahjongg once or twice a week. On line with friends and every once in awhile, in person. Socially distanced.*

I started knitting a blanket.
We’ll see how far that goes.

My plants are all doing extremely well, which never ceases to amaze me.

I attend church online. We were meeting in person before Thanksgiving, very socially distanced*. But that only lasted about 4 weeks before the numbers started going up in NY and that was the end of that.

I meet with a group of wid friends every Friday night for happy hour.
I love those women and our time together.
Widowed peeps are the best.

Last night I went to a friend’s apartment to watch a play online, socially distanced.*
Three other friends came. We all live in the same building.
It was wonderful to get to see them after such a long absence.
I had to quarantine when I got back to NY, but only for three days. I had a negative test before I left and then on the 4th day after I arrived I took another test, which was also negative. That’s how you get out of quarantine in NY.
But I’m still pretty careful about going out and getting together with friends.
It’s not often and it’s definitely careful.

It’s a good thing that I’m more introvert than extrovert.
I’m sure you “people” people are going mad.
I get that.
You get your energy from being around people.
Being around people can zap mine.
Being around toddlers can put me into a coma!
But I digress.

I guess that’s all the news from here.
I’m toying around with starting a new blog that deals with Christianity and politics.
I wasn’t sure if it was time to put that somewhere else other than here.
Thoughts?

I hope you all had good, uneventful holidays.
I hope that you and your loved ones are healthy.
I hope that 2021 is kinder to you than the last year.

I hope it’s kinder to all of us.

*I hate the phrase “socially distanced” and I hate that we have to do it. But I know that it’s important for us ALL to do it so that we can beat this thing, so I make sure to include it in telling you, my lovely readers, what I’m doing.
Also, I don’t want any of you screaming at me in all caps.

Eight ……

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…… excruciatingly long years that seemed to have flown by in a heartbeat.
I know that most of you get that.

Eight.
How is it possible?
How is it that Daughter #1 went to, and graduated from, school for her Masters degree?

How is that Daughter #2 worked for a year and then did the same thing?
How is that she’s been a foster mom to the most precious baby boy for over a year now? And she has her own home?

How is it that Daughter #3 has worked in Texas and New York while getting her Masters? How can it be that she’s engaged to be married in less than 3 months?

How is it that Son #1 graduated from high school and college and has a wonderful job and life in Dallas?

How is it that Son #2 survived his teen years, graduated from high school, went to barber school and now lives in Austin where he loves his job and his life?

And how is it that Son #3 made it through middle school, high school and is now in his third year of college at our favorite school, Oklahoma State? How is it that I’ve attended at least three Homecomings there?
At that place where we met.
And fell in love.

How in the hell is it that this all happened without him?

Eight years ago …… this day …… I thought that my life came crashing to an end.
And in a sense, it did.
That life died with Jim, just as part of me died with him.

I have missed that man every second of these past 8 years.
I have cherished our memories, our children and our blessing of being best friends, as well as husband and wife, these past 8 years.
I have loved him with all of my heart these past 8 years.
That won’t stop.
No matter how many years go by.

That doesn’t mean there’s not room in my heart for more love.
Fortunately, hearts grow bigger.
If you don’t believe that you’ve never had more than one child. 🙂

Now eight years later …… here I am …… still alive.
Not only alive, but thriving.
Happy.
Joyful.
Blessed.

The “before me” would never have believed that I would make it this far.
The me that was left behind 8 years ago would never have dreamed this would be my life now. That me didn’t …… no,couldn’t …… see a future for herself at all. She saw nothing but cold, inky darkness.
For what felt like a very long time.

Eight years later, the blackness is gone.
Most of the time.
Every once in a while a rogue wave roars over me, knocking me to my knees.
But not down.
And definitely not out.

In that way, I don’t think I’m so very different from any other human.
In spite of being blessed, there are still times of grief.
There are times when that night eight years ago comes charging into me. And it feels like I’m right back in that hospital room.
Saying goodbye without knowing it was really goodbye.
I hate being back in that room.

Thankfully that doesn’t happen very often.
Mostly just once a year or so.
Usually around this date.
Around this day.

Eight years.
It’s amazing.
And horrible.
All at the same time.

Eight years.
Eight years of bad.
Eight years of good.
Eight years of growing, loving, learning and finding joy again.
Eight years of knowing that God never left my side.
Even during the times I couldn’t feel him.
Probably especially during those times.
Eight years of grief.
Eight years of blessings.

A lot can happen in eight years.
And though I couldn’t even think this 8 years ago ……

I’m looking forward to what the next eight hold.

The Longer I Live Here ……

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…… the more I love this city.

That’s not to say that it doesn’t have its faults.
Because it does.
As does any city.

The streets are FULL of obnoxious drivers who lay on their horns …… even and especially when the cars in front of them are unable to move …… unless they want to plow through pedestrians who have the right of way.
I’m a little touchy on this. I’ve been known to give the evil eye to the horn blowers, and …… if their windows are down, ask them what the heck they expect the other drivers to do.
It’s a waste of breath and energy.
They don’t care.
I think they just like to lay on their horns.
I’m working on letting go of this one.
It’s a work in progress.

The sidewalks are full of sidewalk rage (as opposed to road rage). Not always and not everywhere. But every once in a while you look up and see a pedestrian barreling towards you and you instantly know that he/she isn’t going to tuck their shoulder in at the last minute. If you don’t tuck yours …… someone, or perhaps both of you, is going to end up with a dislocated shoulder.
I have avoided this thus far. Though I think there have been several close calls.
I think it’s the New Yorker’s way of playing “chicken”.

But these things are a small price to pay for the fun, excitement, entertainment and just plain weirdness of living in this amazing city.

I can understand most of the weird stuff. I get the sidewalk rage. I don’t get the over usage of car horns, but as I said, I’m working on letting that go.
I get the total awe of first time visitors, which makes them stop smack dab in the middle of a busy sidewalk and stare at their surroundings. Especially near Times Square where one might be bowled right over if one stops too long.
I understand how people can get lost in the Park and I try to help them as best I can.
I also get that the subways can seem seem very overwhelming to first time users, though it really doesn’t take long to understand them.

However, there is still one thing about the subways that I do NOT understand. In fact, I have yet to meet anyone here in NY who does get this particular thing.
I’ve thought about sending it in to Jimmy Fallon, or Stephen Colbert, or maybe Matt Lauer. But I’m doubtful that anyone can explain this extraordinarily bizarre item.

This is it:

This is a sign that you can find inside most subway cars, stating the emergency instructions. It tells you what to do in case of, 1. Fire, 2. Medical Emergency, 3. If you need the Police, and 4. If you need to evacuate the car.

If you’re like any good New Yorker, or a so-so visitor, you read these signs so that you’ll know what to do, or not do, in the event that an emergency happens while you’re lucky enough to be riding the subway.

Go ahead and read through the instructions.
I’ll wait.
Don’t worry …… I’ll catch up on Fallon while I’m waiting.

Done? It doesn’t really take that long to read through them.
Did you notice a prevailing theme throughout these instructions?
There were two.

First of all, above all else, no matter what happens, or who’s attacking you, or what weapons are present, or even who’s on board (like say, the President of the United States …… and yes, I know that’s highly unlikely), or for any reason WHATSOEVER …… do NOT PULL THE EMERGENCY CORD.
No way.
No how.
No matter how much carnage is in the car.
Or how high the water level gets.
Or how hot the fire roars.
Or how many people are having heart attacks.
Or how many people claim to be suicide bombers.

Do NOT, EVER, EVER,EVER, pull that cord.
And, although you can’t see it in this picture …… the emergency cord is just above this sign.
In every car.

Which begs the question …… what in the hell is the cord for?!

The instructions also tell you to notify a crew member if any of these scenarios occur.
Which might lead you to believe that there are crew members floating all over the place in the subway cars.
You would be wrong to believe that.
Dead wrong.
Excuse the dark humor there.
🙂

I’ve only noted one crew member on any train. And he/she is the person in charge of driving it. All alone in their little cubicle, somewhere in the middle of the train.
So good luck with letting one of them know that the car you’re riding in has suddenly become combustible.
Or loaded with a suspicious white powder.
Or gang bangers.
(I’m kidding! There are no gang bangers in NY!) 🙂

If you’ve never been to NY, please come visit this amazing city.
There’s more to do and see than you’ll most likely have time for.
Transportation is easier than you think.
Make yourself at home.
Don’t be afraid to ask for directions/help.
Don’t be afraid to eat off of the many food carts around the city.
You can feel totally safe in Central Park.
And Times Square.
Even at night.

Enjoy every part of the city.

Just make sure that you DO NOT, EVER, NEVER, NO WAY, NO HOW, NO MATTER WHAT ……
pull the subway emergency cord.

I think, that if you can figure out what the role of the emergency cord actually is …… you might win a key to the city.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

I’m not sure about that.

There’s a lot I’m not sure of.

Pulling the emergency cord is not one of those things.
Don’t even think about it.

If I ever get up the nerve to pull it, I’ll let you know what happens.
🙂

On The Way Home From Church ……

Halloween ……

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…… in New York City is a wee bit different than most places.

First of all, there are apartment buildings instead of houses. And there are retail shops instead of homes. Most of the the shops and restaurants give out candy. I’m guessing the better the restaurant, the better the candy.
Of course that’s only a guess.

There’s a street near me that’s blocked off to all traffic so that children can go trick or treating safely. And with tons of fun. The stoops of the apartment buildings are decorated. Adults stand outside of them, in full costume, and hand out candy. The streets are crowded …… and full of amazingly costumed children/adults/pets. Gracie seemed to be one of the best dressed dogs. Not because I thought so (because I didn’t) …… but based on the comments of passer-bys and the tons of people who asked if they could take her picture. Go figure.

This is the start/welcoming point of the NY Marathon, which starts tomorrow morning and locks all of us who live in this area into our apartments. Seriously. Our buildings will be surrounded by police/security/cement blocks and all leaving/arriving is frowned upon. Until after the marathon. Sounds like a good day to sleep in, right? 🙂

People lined up outside of apartment buildings to get their candy:

This little one was a subway car. His parents did a great job on it!!

My precious Gamma Phi Lady Bug:

The street continued to be blocked off on the other side of the intersection.

We wandered around for a couple of hours. It was fun to watch all of the wee ones and their families. Sometimes, it was also bitter sweet. I’m sure it feels that way for all parents of grown children. Not just those of us with dead spouses. But it was nice to re-live the fun memories.

Evidently those two hours just plain wore out my lady bug:

This is her, passed out cold next to me as I type this.

I went to a show today called, “China Doll”. The following pictures will tell you who starred in it:

Yep, Al Pacino. Yes, THAT Al Pacino.

I’d love to tell you that it was an amazing show and that he did a wonderful job. However.

It seems to me that Mr. Pacino (how’s that for respect?!) plays the same part now, no matter the vehicle. A stuttering, bumbling, old man who doesn’t appear to be able to remember his lines. It was disappointing, to say the least. But …… it was Al Pacino.
So there’s that.

Anyway, it was something to do.
Tomorrow I’m going to see Bruce Willis in “Misery”. You know, that horrific Stephen King story that starred Kathy Bates and James Caan in the movie (which I’ve never seen).
I’m not really looking forward to the story, but hopefully Bruce and Laurie Metcalf (Roseanne’s sister on “Roseanne”) will do a good job.

In between all of that I’m trying to catch up with “Scandal”. Which involves re-watching some of the episodes I’ve already seen because I can’t always remember which ones I’ve watched.
Growing old sucks.

I hope you all have a fun and safe Halloween.
🙂

Thank You ……

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…… to those of you who understood.
Or tried to understand.
My last post.

It was nice not to have to read the “judgey” posts that some people have written in the past.
No judgement is needed.
At least, not in my opinion.

I write what I write …… because it’s inside of me and I need to get it out.
Yes, I could write it down ……. and then delete it. But I don’t believe that’s what I’m called to do.
I write it down …… and publish it …… because there are so many others out there who feel what I feel.
And so we connect.
This is my calling.
It certainly won’t change anything.

Jim is dead.
I know he’s dead.
I know he’s never coming back.
No matter what I want.
No matter what I wish for.
He’s dead.

Someone asked me this yesterday: “Are you still grieving?”
I was a bit surprised by that question.
I answered truthfully.
“Yes, I will always grieve for him. Always.”
But I’m no longer in the dark, cold, all-consuming grief that once was.
Thankfully.

His death no longer occupies my every waking moment, my every thought, my every breath.
But I will grieve for him until my last dying breath.
This I know.
And this I can live with.

But my days, my life, are not consumed by my grief.
I continue to live.
I continue to find joy.
With grief in the background.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching lately.
Truthfully, it hasn’t been a difficult job.
Before I continue with this post, I need to tell you that I am not writing this as a “woe is me” post. I’m not looking for sympathy, or a “poor you” attitude.
It is what it is.
And it’s for me to deal with.

I never took Jim for granted.
Hard to believe?
Probably.
But if you were to read through all of my journals …… you’d see that it’s true.
I always thanked God for giving Jim to me.
Always.
I never took him for granted.

And now, I know why.

I never, ever felt good enough to have married him.
I never, ever felt that I deserved him.
Ever.

I have no idea why …… I wonder if anyone ever knows …… why they feel so undeserving.
But I did.
I’ve never felt that I was “good enough”.
And I certainly never felt “good enough” for Jim.
Never.

I was so thankful for him. For the gift of him. To be his wife.
No, we didn’t always agree on everything, nor did we always get along on certain points.
But we moved past that.
Always.

And I was always so thankful that he was in my life.
I was thankful for our beautiful, wonderful six children.
But more so, for him.

So when he died …… it almost made sense.
I was never good enough.
And that finally caught up with me.

I didn’t deserve him.
And so he died.
I finally got what I deserved.

So here I am.
Living life without him.
Not the life I wanted.
Not the life I’d planned.
But the life I deserve.

And now I have to navigate this road that tells me that God does indeed love me, but on which I feel most unloved.
I have to move past these feelings of being unloved, undeserving.
And I hope that I will.
I’m trying.

It’s easy enough to say, “God loves me”.
It’s all together different to really embrace it.
It’s a work in progress.

I am a work in progress.
I don’t think I’m the only one.
So to those of you who find yourself on this path …… hopefully we can navigate it together.

My mind knows that I’m good enough ……in God’s eyes.
My heart just needs to catch up.

People Say ……

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…… they won’t forget.
But I think they do.

Not that I blame them.
Because life marches on.
For everyone.
And if you don’t live it every single day …… how can you not forget?

This is the month that the American Heart Association holds their annual Heart Walk. Last year our school district in Texas participated in the walk. They did more than participate …… they formed a team in Jim’s name.
When I received the email asking if I’d be ok with that …… I was speechless.
And touched to the depth of my soul.
Because they remembered.

Jim died of an aortic dissection.
In perfect health one minute …… at death’s door the next.
Four months later, his mother died of complications after having valve replacement surgery.
The American Heart Association is close to my heart …… no pun intended.

This year Team Eggers will walk again.
They still remember.
And it still brings tears to my eyes.

I hate asking people for money.
I’m not very good at it, so I try to do it only two times a year.
Once for this walk …… and once in December around the time of Jim’s death …… for my beloved Soaring Spirits.
The organization that gave me hope and continues to do that for millions (yes, millions) of other widowed people.

So this week I wrote a post on Facebook about the walk, and shared the link of my donation page.
I didn’t make a big deal about it.
I just shared it and asked people to donate.
In memory of Jim.

Maybe I should’ve made a bigger deal.
I don’t think anyone checked out the link.
One person “liked” my post.
And she’s a widowed sister.
She also tries to raise money each year to fight the disease that killed her husband.
There are a lot of us out here.

And there are a lot of causes asking for money.
I get that.
And I get that time marches on.
I also understand how memories fade.
Heck, sometimes I can’t remember what I did last week.

Maybe I should take lessons in fundraising.
Or maybe I should stop bugging people about donating.
I certainly wish I didn’t have a reason to want to raise money for the Heart Association.
I also wish that I didn’t live with the memory of that night.
Almost eight years ago.

Yes, some memories fade.
Some …… never will.

Settling In ……

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…… to my Fall schedule here in NY.
I think.

I just had a great week and a half with my friend J visiting me for a week, and then with Son #1 who came for the long weekend. The best part of their visits? We didn’t have to go and see everything. We enjoyed just hanging out with each other and seeing a few things.
I think I’m done with being the official NY tour guide.
Seriously.

Son #1 and I walked down to Times Square on Sunday and hung out there for a while. It’s a great place to people watch.
I took him by the Ed Sullivan Theatre so that he could see the new Stephen Colbert signs. That’s when we noticed signs in the window that stated (more or less), “If you want to get stand by tickets, come back here at 1:00 tomorrow”. And so we did. We were number 17 in the stand by line.
They told us to come back at 4:15, when they would randomly pick numbers to fill in the stand by seats.
So we explored the south end of the city for quite a while before heading back to the theatre to see if our number was picked.
And it was.
Whoop!

We had a great time being in that audience. We were up in the balcony, but had a great view of Elvis Costello and all things Colbert. It was definitely worth the two waits.
After that exciting day we came back to the apartment, heated up leftover Thai food, and watched “King Kong”, with Jack Black. Not a great movie, but it was more about the company than the movie.
I love spending time with my kids.
As does Gracie Lou. ❤

Today I went to BSF (Bible Study Fellowship), which is a great Bible study in any city. This year we’re studying Revelation, which should be a very interesting and exciting study. I’m hoping to make friends with other Christian women in NY and getting to know more people here.
It would’ve helped if my Uber ride hadn’t taken 4o minutes to do a 15 minute drive.
So yeah, I was pretty late by the time I got there.
But there’s always next week. 🙂

I came home afterwards to relax for a bit before I went to my very first Improv class at the theatre where I volunteer.
I wasn’t too sure about doing this, but I’m so glad that I went. It was great fun and I can’t wait until next week.

I left that theatre and headed to a movie theater to see a screening of a new movie called, “Truth”. It’s about CBS and Dan Rather and all of the crap that went down with him and them.
It was very good.

Tomorrow I’m heading to the Meredith Vieira show with my friend, Kelley. That should be fun. Even if it’s not, Kelley and I always have fun together. In fact, there’s a huge chance that we might get thrown out of the audience.
Maybe.

Then tomorrow night I’m going to another movie screening of something called “Room”. I’m not too sure about this one, but hey, it’s free.
We’ll see if “free” makes it worth while.

Thank you to all of you who commented here, on Facebook, by email, or text on my previous post. It helps more than you can know. I’m always humbled when I write something that connects with someone else. Your comments let me know that I’m not alone. And that’s huge.

That’s it for tonight. I can’t keep my eyes open so it’s time to hit the hay before I type something very, very embarrassing.
Yes, it’s happened.

Good night one and all.
I hope you have a wonderful Wednesday.
Oh, and be sure to watch/record the Meredith Vieira show. Who know what/who you might see?!
🙂

Sometimes I Wonder ……

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…… if Jim would be proud of me.
Of our family.
Of how I’ve done.

I wish that I could answer in the affirmative. 100% yes, of course he would.
But I can’t.

Our children were all at such vulnerable ages when he died. I think they’ve questioned so very much since that day almost 8 years ago.
I myself have had my fair share of questions. And my fair share of shifts in beliefs.

I don’t pray the same way I used to.
I don’t believe some of the things I used to.
Fundamentally, I still believe that I am a follower of Christ.
But I no longer pray for specific outcomes. Instead, I pray for peace, strength and love to surround people who will need those things.
I don’t believe that prayer changes the outcome.
If I believed that, then I’d have to believe that God sees some people as better than others.
That some people are worth saving, while others are not.

I can’t, and I don’t, believe in a God who thinks that way.

If some of the beliefs I used to hold have changed, then how can I not think that my children’s beliefs have changed?
Of course they have.
I just wish they hadn’t changed so much.

I can understand the changes.
Truly, I can.
Our life was one way.
And in a matter of hours, it was not.
I can understand how that can change a person.

I just wish that these changes didn’t scare me.
Didn’t make me feel that I, in some way, have failed my children.
Because I do.
100%.

Maybe if I hadn’t grieved so long and so hard, their beliefs wouldn’t’ have changed.
Maybe if part of me wouldn’t have died the day Jim died, they’d still hold on strong to their faith.

Or maybe none of this would’ve mattered anyway.
My children are individuals, with their own thoughts, their own beliefs, their own faith.
And maybe, if Jim were still alive, they’d still be struggling with their own individual beliefs.
Maybe.

I’ll never know.

All I know is that one day we seemed to be a family of one faith and one belief …… and now we are not.
What could I have done …… what should I have done …… to avoid this?

What would Jim say?

I wish I knew.

Or do I?

There Should Be Two ……

6 Replies

…… hearts sharing this wonderful and exciting time in Daughter #3’s life.

There should be two of us hugging each other in our excitement, love and tears at how thrilled we are for her and yet how fast time has flown.
There should be two of us thinking that it was only yesterday when she started kindergarten.
There should be two of us talking about what a wonderful man she’s chosen to spend the rest of her life with.

There should be two.
But there’s not.
There’s just me.
Just me thinking all of this and wishing he were here.

I truly am happy, excited and thrilled for my beloved daughter.
And for the man who will become my son.
This young man who reminds me so very much of Jim.
There’s no better compliment that I could give him.

But there should have been two of us there when he asked me for my blessing in marrying our daughter.
We both should have been there to give him that blessing.
Yet there was only me feeling like my heart would burst from the love of her becoming one with him.
And only me feeling like my heart would break because Jim wasn’t there.

I’m so excited at this new chapter in her life. In their lives.
And I’m so lonely without him here to share this excitement with me.
He would love this young man.
He would agree that we now have a Son #4.
He would agree that Christ will be the 3rd person in this marriage, and we couldn’t ask for more.
He would agree that this man will love our daughter the way that she deserves to be loved.
Just as Jim loved me.

There should be two of us.
But there’s not.

There’s just me.
Standing in for the two of us.
Knowing that he’d be proud of this man and happy for our daughter.

That knowledge helps.
A lot.
But it’s still just me.

Where there should be two.

	Jo Ann Cook on Do You Need Anything …
	mysecondplana on So Many ……
	Chris, who lurks on So Many ……
	mysecondplana on Living in Limbo ……
	Sharon on Living in Limbo ……

My Second Plan A

After my first Plan A ended tragically, and all too soon, I came up with my second Plan A. It took a while, but now I'm ready to live again. And live fully.

Tag Archives: Hope

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There Should Be Two ……