Thank You ……

…… to those of you who understood.
Or tried to understand.
My last post.

It was nice not to have to read the “judgey” posts that some people have written in the past.
No judgement is needed.
At least, not in my opinion.

I write what I write …… because it’s inside of me and I need to get it out.
Yes, I could write it down ……. and then delete it. But I don’t believe that’s what I’m called to do.
I write it down …… and publish it …… because there are so many others out there who feel what I feel.
And so we connect.
This is my calling.
It certainly won’t change anything.

Jim is dead.
I know he’s dead.
I know he’s never coming back.
No matter what I want.
No matter what I wish for.
He’s dead.

Someone asked me this yesterday: “Are you still grieving?”
I was a bit surprised by that question.
I answered truthfully.
“Yes, I will always grieve for him. Always.”
But I’m no longer in the dark, cold, all-consuming grief that once was.
Thankfully.

His death no longer occupies my every waking moment, my every thought, my every breath.
But I will grieve for him until my last dying breath.
This I know.
And this I can live with.

But my days, my life, are not consumed by my grief.
I continue to live.
I continue to find joy.
With grief in the background.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching lately.
Truthfully, it hasn’t been a difficult job.
Before I continue with this post, I need to tell you that I am not writing this as a “woe is me” post. I’m not looking for sympathy, or a “poor you” attitude.
It is what it is.
And it’s for me to deal with.

I never took Jim for granted.
Hard to believe?
Probably.
But if you were to read through all of my journals …… you’d see that it’s true.
I always thanked God for giving Jim to me.
Always.
I never took him for granted.

And now, I know why.

I never, ever felt good enough to have married him.
I never, ever felt that I deserved him.
Ever.

I have no idea why …… I wonder if anyone ever knows …… why they feel so undeserving.
But I did.
I’ve never felt that I was “good enough”.
And I certainly never felt “good enough” for Jim.
Never.

I was so thankful for him. For the gift of him. To be his wife.
No, we didn’t always agree on everything, nor did we always get along on certain points.
But we moved past that.
Always.

And I was always so thankful that he was in my life.
I was thankful for our beautiful, wonderful six children.
But more so, for him.

So when he died …… it almost made sense.
I was never good enough.
And that finally caught up with me.

I didn’t deserve him.
And so he died.
I finally got what I deserved.

So here I am.
Living life without him.
Not the life I wanted.
Not the life I’d planned.
But the life I deserve.

And now I have to navigate this road that tells me that God does indeed love me, but on which I feel most unloved.
I have to move past these feelings of being unloved, undeserving.
And I hope that I will.
I’m trying.

It’s easy enough to say, “God loves me”.
It’s all together different to really embrace it.
It’s a work in progress.

I am a work in progress.
I don’t think I’m the only one.
So to those of you who find yourself on this path …… hopefully we can navigate it together.

My mind knows that I’m good enough ……in God’s eyes.
My heart just needs to catch up.

5 thoughts on “Thank You ……

  1. Gina Buck

    Those could be my words. I know our situations are different, but you’ve really no idea how much they are the same. How many many times they have felt the same.

    Reply
  2. Maureen

    Janine there is no way I can communicate to you how much I feel your pain. You and I talked way back around 5 years ago after Andrew had just died and I was trying to survive. I had found widows voice and you. Your Jim was my Andrew……and I to could never understand how I got that lucky…..I will grieve him forever just as you will Jim. I live about 20 miles outside NYC and can make it to central park in 30 minutes so if you want to get together I would love that. Shoot me an email and we can take a walk around the park…..keep writing Janine……we are all grateful!!

    Reply
  3. lifelossandhope

    Like others who reply to your posts, I could have written these same words; I never thought I’d find someone “good enough” to marry; to spend my life with. Good enough? I’m so grateful I was good enough for Don. I’ve been so grateful that he chose me to spend his life with. How did I luck onto such a wonderful man? He was ill our whole marriage with Crohn’s disease; or inflammatory bowel disease. This illness took him bit by bit, stole his health and he suffered with it over 30 years, so when cancer came, he was just too worn out to keep fighting. Yes, fighting. Because just before he died, he told our daughter in a way it was a relief because he could “stop fighting.” And I will miss him and grieve him for the rest of my life, just as you will your Jim. Thank you for putting my feelings in to words! Keep writing. Thank you.

    Reply

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