…… to those of you who understood.
Or tried to understand.
My last post.
It was nice not to have to read the “judgey” posts that some people have written in the past.
No judgement is needed.
At least, not in my opinion.
I write what I write …… because it’s inside of me and I need to get it out.
Yes, I could write it down ……. and then delete it. But I don’t believe that’s what I’m called to do.
I write it down …… and publish it …… because there are so many others out there who feel what I feel.
And so we connect.
This is my calling.
It certainly won’t change anything.
Jim is dead.
I know he’s dead.
I know he’s never coming back.
No matter what I want.
No matter what I wish for.
Someone asked me this yesterday: “Are you still grieving?”
I was a bit surprised by that question.
I answered truthfully.
“Yes, I will always grieve for him. Always.”
But I’m no longer in the dark, cold, all-consuming grief that once was.
His death no longer occupies my every waking moment, my every thought, my every breath.
But I will grieve for him until my last dying breath.
This I know.
And this I can live with.
But my days, my life, are not consumed by my grief.
I continue to live.
I continue to find joy.
With grief in the background.
I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching lately.
Truthfully, it hasn’t been a difficult job.
Before I continue with this post, I need to tell you that I am not writing this as a “woe is me” post. I’m not looking for sympathy, or a “poor you” attitude.
It is what it is.
And it’s for me to deal with.
I never took Jim for granted.
Hard to believe?
But if you were to read through all of my journals …… you’d see that it’s true.
I always thanked God for giving Jim to me.
I never took him for granted.
And now, I know why.
I never, ever felt good enough to have married him.
I never, ever felt that I deserved him.
I have no idea why …… I wonder if anyone ever knows …… why they feel so undeserving.
But I did.
I’ve never felt that I was “good enough”.
And I certainly never felt “good enough” for Jim.
I was so thankful for him. For the gift of him. To be his wife.
No, we didn’t always agree on everything, nor did we always get along on certain points.
But we moved past that.
And I was always so thankful that he was in my life.
I was thankful for our beautiful, wonderful six children.
But more so, for him.
So when he died …… it almost made sense.
I was never good enough.
And that finally caught up with me.
I didn’t deserve him.
And so he died.
I finally got what I deserved.
So here I am.
Living life without him.
Not the life I wanted.
Not the life I’d planned.
But the life I deserve.
And now I have to navigate this road that tells me that God does indeed love me, but on which I feel most unloved.
I have to move past these feelings of being unloved, undeserving.
And I hope that I will.
It’s easy enough to say, “God loves me”.
It’s all together different to really embrace it.
It’s a work in progress.
I am a work in progress.
I don’t think I’m the only one.
So to those of you who find yourself on this path …… hopefully we can navigate it together.
My mind knows that I’m good enough ……in God’s eyes.
My heart just needs to catch up.