…… for at least some people, the 7 (seven) year mark does not mean that I am all better.
That I am healed. That I am over the loss of the other half of me.
That tears do not come now.
That I no longer miss him.
When I think about that last non-friend who posted how I should no longer be mourning Jim, I want to scream. It didn’t affect me like that at the time. I just felt sorry for her.
But now, NOW it pisses me off.
Because who the the hell does she think she is, that she can tell me, ME, the one who had Jim ripped out of her life and her children’s lives, how I’m supposed to feel now. I’d like to punch her in the face right now.
Tonight.
And probably for the next few weeks.
This is the hard time.
Yes, it’s much easier here in NY. SO much easier. But that doesn’t mean that it’s painless. Because it’s not. I still miss him. And I still cry when I type that. Every damn time.
My life is good.
I am happy.
I’m content.
I feel joy.
But I also feel loss.
I feel the hole left in my heart.
I miss him more than I can say.
And I don’t expect that to ever change.
This time of the year will always bring joy and sorrow to my family.
It is what it is.
I loved him with all of my being.
I still love him.
I will always love him.
I never took him for granted.
I knew that I was blessed.
And, truthfully, I never thought for one second, that I deserved him.
I thanked God for him on a daily basis.
And though I didn’t feel worthy, God blessed me with him.
So …… when it comes to thinking of another love …… I doubt very much that that will happen.
Because I know I’m not worthy of two great loves in one life.
You may think differently, but that’s what’s ingrained into my brain. Into the very fiber of my being. I will never have another love as true and as wonderful as Jim.
And really …… I’m mostly ok with that. Because I had a love and a relationship that very few people have.
Which makes me sad. For those people.
But at least I had it.
I can’t expect it to happen again.
So I don’t.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t long for it to happen again.
But I guess I’m a realist. If I was so blessed to have it once, it’s not very likely that I’ll find it again.
Part of me is ok with that. I like doing what I want to do, when I want to do it. I like having all of the closet space. I like having a pretty clean garage.
I like my independence.
But I’d also like to have love and security in my life. The kind of security that comes from having someone who has your back, no matter what.
I miss that.
I miss holding his hand.
I miss falling asleep next to him.
I miss catching his eye from across a room, and feeling the warmth that came with that look.
I miss the family that we had.
Things would be so different if he were still here.
So much better.
But …… it is what it is.
So I try to make it better.
As much as I can.
I don’t have as much power as I wish I had.
So …… that’s all.
I’m happy.
And I’m sad.
I’m content.
And I wish I weren’t alone.
I have a great life.
But I wish I had love.
It is what it is.
Just as it is with everyone else in the world.
My Second Plan A 
Janine,
Thanks for putting into words how I feel during this holiday season. People have no right to judge or tell anyone else what feel.
Maria O.
You’re so right, Maria. I wish I knew why people, who’ve never walked in our shoes, feel so free to judge us? I don’t get it. I’m sure I did it …… before. And I wish I could remember every time I did it, so that I could apologize to anyone who heard it. It’s too bad that it takes an “after”, to make us understand that we are never in a position to judge. Ever.
I do believe that the people who judge us, will one day be where we are. And then they will regret very much the things they said to us. As if they knew.
As if.
Janine, thank you for sharing your truth. I don’t think it takes an “after” for everyone, but it certainly seems to for a large majority of people, which is a shame. Trying to put oneself in someone else’s shoes is always a powerful exercise, and your non-friends undoubtedly fail to do this on a regular basis, in a variety of situations. It’s just so much more egregious when they fail in this case. They should be ashamed of their judgmental pronouncements. I wonder what they gain from them. Lack of compassion is a deal-breaker for me, in any relationship. Who wants to be associated with someone who can’t empathize?
I’m glad that things are better in NY – that is a blessing. I’m also so sorry that Jim isn’t there to share in your NY adventures.
Thank you, Kristen. I appreciate your comment and your kind words. 🙂
Thank you so much for writing, at least I don’t feel weird for still missing him so much….
Diane,
Thank YOU! Because that’s exactly why I write …… so that others who are on this path won’t feel alone, or crazy, or insane, or lonely. You don’t have to feel weird for one nano second. No matter what anyone else thinks. Your timing is your timing …… an no one else’s. You will feel what you feel …… when you feel it.
And feel free to come here any time for validation. 🙂
Janine, yes it is what it is. 7 years, 2 years, for us this week. Christmas doesn’t make it any easier. I wonder what will make it any easier except for time. The sadness, doing so much alone outweigh the joy and happiness that I now do, and so hard to overcome.
Thanks for writing your feelings, it does express many things I feel also.
Merry Christmas
Duane
Hi Duane,
I’m so sorry that this is your week, too. Yes, time will make it easier. Sometimes, doing things differently also helps. Being in a different place, starting a new tradition, those things can help.
I’ll be praying for you this week.
🙂
Janine, thanks again your words speaks to me.
I also will always miss him dearly, especially this time of the year.
Estelle
I’m glad things are better in NY ! Merry Christmas!
My parents were married for 28 yrs when my dad passed. My mother spent 28 yrs as a widow alone and never remarried. She said there’s a once in a lifetime love! 😦
I’m so sorry for your loss … seven years later, it’s still a loss, and as you say, you will always feel that. I’m so sorry you feel judged. No one can tell you how to feel.
I hope that you find love again – you said you didn’t feel worthy of what you had with Jim, so maybe that means you’ll once again find a dear love (since you don’t feel worthy of it twice!). I hope this doesn’t come off wrong, but as I was reading it, I thought of something I just read in a book about welcoming a second baby (I know it’s not a fair comparison – parental love is vastly different from romantic love, the similarities of ideas just struck me), two things actually – that you don’t think you could possibly have room in your heart to love another child as much as your first – until you meet that child and your heart makes room. I would hope that something similar can happen for a second great love story for those who have lost their first – it in no way negates the first great love, or plug the hole left in your heart, but that maybe your heart expands for the second. It’s not a replacement, it’s an addition. The other part was that when you already have a strong, healthy child, how could you possibly expect that kind of miracle again? Feeling like you’re pressing your luck…
I have to have hope that people who have known great love get to share that kind of thing again, especially when it’s been ripped away from them. But maybe not … maybe one great love story is what some of us are lucky enough to experience. I don’t know.
Again – I hope this doesn’t come across as judging … just thoughts as I read your post. If it’s judgmental – please put me in my place (gently, as I mean well!!). 😉
Ali,
Of course I don’t think you’re judging. You spoke in love and that’s an entirely different thing.
And I’ve told many widowed people that same thing ….. just as your heart grows when you receive another child, it will grow when you find another love. 🙂
I don’t doubt that I can love again, I just doubt that another man who’s right for me will come along. I have hope, but I’m not spending much time thinking about it because the hope is mingled with doubt. And I’m ok with that. Mostly.
I guess I should say, I’m ok with that. For now.
🙂
Thank you for your sweet words. ❤