By The Light ……

…… of the silvery tree ……

OK, it’s not silvery, but then it’s not a moon, either.

I’m sitting in my dark living room …… which really isn’t dark because the lights on the Christmas tree are twinkling and dancing and preventing the room from really being dark.

I haven’t truly enjoyed sitting in the almost-dark, looking at the tree, for several years now.
But this year, I feel differently.

This was one of Jim’s favorite things about this time of year. After all of the kids were in bed, and after we had turned all of the lights out and were headed to bed, he’d ask me to come and sit in the living room with him …… to just sit and look at the tree …… and the lights.

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I can’t see the lights, and not think of him.
I miss sitting on the sofa, his arm wrapped around me, my head on his shoulder.
I miss the silence that actually said so much.

But I’m thankful that I can now sit and enjoy the lights …… and the silence that still says so much.
It says different things now, but I can sit with it …… and be ok.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t miss him.
That doesn’t mean that I’m ok with him being dead.
It just means that I’m ok with enjoying things again …… and enjoying the memories of him.

It’s definitely easier to enjoy this time of year here in New York.
And for that I’m very, very grateful.
There are no memories here, except for the ones I’ve made in my “after”.
I hope that my children feel the same way.

This time of year is a bitch to go through.
In eleven days we’ll hit the seven year mark.
Which, as always, is unbelievable.
But it comes, whether we believe it or not.
Time is kind of relentless like that.

But it’s also nice to be able to sit with the memories.
Instead of being overwhelmed with them.
It’s nice to be able to smile with the remembering.
Instead of being wracked with sobs.

I hope that those of you who can …… will take the time to sit with your loved one …… and enjoy the lights on the tree. And the silence …… that says so much.

And I hope that those of you who can’t …… will be able to sit and enjoy the memories.

12 thoughts on “By The Light ……

  1. Duane

    Janine I have followed you for 5 years to try and understand what ls ahead of me. Be 2 years 20th, looking back time has moved on. The excitement of Christmas around, brings a lot of good thoughts and memories that I (we) hang on to. Nice to see happiness come with Christmas, especially the young kids looking forward to getting gifts that they want. I had my gift for many years and remains with me every day that comes.

    Enjoy the Holliday’s , Peace be with you.
    God Bless Duane

    Reply
    1. mysecondplana Post author

      Thank you so much, Duane. I’m so glad that you can feel the excitement and happiness from good memories now. I think we need to remind each other to look back once in a while, so that we can see how far we’ve come. 🙂
      I wish for peace and blessings this Christmas for you and yours.
      🙂

      Reply
    2. Duane

      I should have re read what I wrote. Be almost 2 years I have followed you on WV and here. Christmas is a tough time of year, especially losing our spouse just before.

      Thanks for sharing your journey.
      God Bless Duane..

      Reply
      1. mysecondplana Post author

        Duane,
        You’re so right. I’d always heard that, for many people, it’s a very, very hard time of year. I never REALLY understood that “before”. And then I did.
        I’m thankful that it’s getting easier.
        Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.
        🙂

  2. Aunt Peggy

    I really think you need to write a biography. You are an excellent writer. You probably already have enough materials.
    Hope you have a wonderful Christmas.
    Love Aunt Peggy.

    Reply
  3. glenda1203

    What a beautiful post! Yesterday it was 21 years that my brother passed too soon too young, but I sat and remembered the memories we made as children and the love he showed me…and I missed him a little more. I LOVE sitting in the living room w/ the lights out, with hubby admiring the twinkling lights. My fav thing to do during this season. Hope you have a wonderful season and make new memories in my fav city! xx

    Reply
  4. oakhoopscoach

    beautiful Janine – this was something we did too. Loved the quiet and when the kids were asleep we would sit and enjoy the lights. And on Christmas Eve, after midnight, when it was technically Christmas Dave would always give me my gift under the tree. He also proposed on New Years Eve (well again, technically New Years Dave) after the big girls were in bed and asleep and it was just us, the quiet and the lights of the tree. Took me a long time to enjoy the lights as well. But this year I too am finding I am enjoying the lights, and the memories. With only a tear or two, but mostly memories. Thinking of you over these next few days. December 18th was the day we found out Dave had relapsed. And we knew he would die, sooner rather than later, just not as soon as it turned out to be. Sigh. Love you my friend. And can’t wait to see you this weekend!!! xoxo

    Reply
  5. Kim Boggs

    There is nothing I love more than this time of year…sitting and watching the lights on the tree, the fire in the fireplace and all of the beautiful decorations made from or bought with love. Sitting in the silence that says so much…maybe with a soft sound of Christmas music in the background. God is AWESOME!

    Reply

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