…… And so much more.
Depression……. never seems to visit at a convenient time. Or maybe that’s just me.
The past few days have been hard for me, and yet I’m unable to say why. We made it past May, our anniversary, 3 of our children’s birthdays, etc. It’s now the middle of June. My birthday is around the corner, but that doesn’t seem to be looming large.
Or does it?
Maybe I’m not giving it enough credit.
I’ll be 56.
Still expecting to be single for the rest of my life.
But that can be good ….. and yet not so good.
I weaned myself off of my antidepressants early this year (Yes, I can hear your tsk, tsks, head shakes, and finger wagging from here). But it was very slow and hey ….. if I was able to make it through my daughter’s wedding (where I looked worse than I have (weight-wise) in YEARS) and survive, then I think I did pretty damn well.
I made it through moving homes (and not selling one …. YET), through adopting Little Man, unpacking an entire house by myself, and then moving back to NY.
I’ve been doing really well, if i do say so myself.
Then these last few days have brought me no sleep, and an onslaught of tears.
I am in the throes of missing Jim.
Missing him hard.
Missing him constantly.
Missing his voice.
Missing his hand.
Just ……. the missing of him.
It just is what it is.
And then add to this missing of him …… the unfathomable horror that occurred in Orlando this weekend.
Orlando — a place that has meant nothing but fun for my children, for me and for Jim.
And now it means death.
It also means that it’s time for me to stop hiding behind my children.
I have 6 wonderful, beautiful children.
Two of them are gay.
One, I had no doubt about as this child grew.
The other, I really never saw it coming.
I haven’t been public about this before because I’ve believed it’s not my story to tell. So I still won’t tell it.
But I will say that I love these two children just as much, or maybe a bit harder, than the other 4.
They were brought up the exact same way their siblings were. They received the same amount of unconditional love, the same expectations, the same discipline.
I believe that God loves them the very same way that He loved them when they were barely inside of me. I don’t believe that Christ’s love changes with the wind. Or depends on who you love.
I don’t believe the way they love/who they love is a sin. I don’t believe in a God who would create love and then penalize certain children for experiencing it.
I may lose many friends over this.
But that’s ok, because they most likely weren’t my friends anyway.
More tears come now as I wonder if my children will feel forever unsafe ……. solely because of who they love. Not who they CHOOSE to love, but who they fall in love with. Just as I did.
Just as Jim did.
The tears flow.
And now I will lose more friends.
I have no problem with Americans owning guns.
I agree it’s a right in this country.
But I can no longer condone the ownership/usage of assault rifles. Guns that rattle off bullets by the second. Guns that are used because the user wants to feel “tough’, “masculine” , “macho”, “in control”.
Or because he wants to kill as many people as possible in a very short amount of time.
I am done. I can’t stand by any longer, no matter what area of the country I’m from, no matter who I’m related to, and say nothing.
I am sickened by the lack of action on getting these types of guns out of the hands of our children and out of our country.
Delete me if you must. Because isn’t that what this country’s come to? If we don’t agree with someone, we delete them. We used to talk to each other, to share our differences.
Now we delete.