I have been blown away….. by the support, encouragement, and love that I’ve received since my last post.
Really. I haven’t been too sure as to how to respond, so I’ve waited. But I don’t want to wait too long because I want you to know how much you’ve meant to me.
The depression thing …… well, that’s only a part of what’s been going on and it’s not something that I’m concerned about. Trust me, if it were, I’d be back on the meds in a heart beat. Because I have. Several times.
This time it feels different.
I know that part of the reason I don’t want to be on them is because I never needed them before Jim died.
Damn it to hell.
His death changed so much of me.
Without my permission.
Without my knowledge.
But there you go.
I’ve been mostly on anti-depressants for 8 years. Enough is enough. Or so I hope.
My last post wasn’t so much about depression, as it was the trifecta that was occurring in my/our world.
First, I’ve been missing Jim. I think that usually happens this time of year. I just want to hear his voice. I want to know that he’s here, that he sees us and that he cares.
And that he approves. I guess that would be the biggest thing.
But, as the age old song goes, “You can’t always get what you want.”
And then that damn Orlando thing happened …… and I decided that I’d had enough.
I’m done with hiding my children from my “friends”.
I’m done with pretending that one’s just too busy to be dating and settling down.
You see, I grew up and have remained in a conservative Christian background. I have loved the people I’ve worshipped with and yes, worked with. Immensely.
But I knew that if I were to even whisper that I thought one of my children were gay, relationships would change. Some would even end.
And I wasn’t ready for that.
I loved certain people so much that I couldn’t tell them that I had a gay child/children because I didn’t want to hear the condemnation that I was sure would come spewing forth. That would mean the end of a friendship. And I wasn’t ready for that.
But then came Orlando.
And now I don’t give a damn what people think, or believe, or spew forth, about my children.
I, and I alone, along with Christ, know my children. I know their hearts, and I know their souls. I’ve watched them grow up from toddlers in the church to teens. I’ve seen some of them leave the church because of the hypocrisy they encountered there. Heck, I saw my own parents leave the church for the same reason.
Yes, I knew early on that one of our children was gay. Or was most likely gay.
No, I never said a word to Jim. I can’t know for sure what he would’ve said, but I believe that he would’ve had a more difficult time accepting it than I did.
I do believe he would’ve come around, though. And I don’t believe for one moment that he would’ve dis-owned or kicked our child out of our home because of this.
I know that this will come as a shock to certain family members, as well as friends. And for that, I’m sorry.
Again, I didn’t feel it was my story to tell.
I still don’t.
I think it’s obscene that we expect our gay children to “come out”, while our heterosexual children just grow up and marry.
So there you go. I have two gay children.
Whom I love very much.
And whom I hope find love and happiness and family life, in the same way I hope that for their siblings.
I know that Christ loves all 6 of my children.
No if’s and’s or but’s.
I wish that Jim were here with me to have my back now.
But he’s not.
It’s just me.
And that’s ok.
Because it has to be.
To those of you who will no longer be in my life because of your beliefs, it was nice knowing you and I wish you the best.
To those of you who don’t give a rat’s ass about who my children love, thank you.
So very much.
Because I need you.
I love my children.
All 6 of them.
I’m proud of my children.
All 6 of them.
And nothing, no … nothing, can change that.
I may not always agree with their choices or decisions, but I will always love and accept them.
As would Jim.
My Second Plan A 
You have nothing to feel sorry for and much to be proud of! Looking forward to sharing your city this weekend! Cindy
Sent from my iPhone
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Just had to say I love both your recent posts!!! Everyone deserves love!
Thank you, Lauren. I agree! ❤
Can’t wait to see you tomorrow!!! Love you!
I don’t believe that Christ condemns gays. If what people say about the love of Jesus is true, then how could he condemn people for just being who they are? I’m Jewish, and as you most likely know, Jews don’t accept Christ as their savior. So I don’t, but my personal beliefs aside, I have to believe in a loving, forgiving G-d…. and as such, I can’t accept a G-d who condemns people for simply being what they are. I’m sure your Jim would have eventually agreed with you… you love your children simply because they are your children! This is unconditional love, which is what everyone needs… Bless you, Janine, for sharing yourself with us.
Thank you, Cynthia. I appreciate the similarities in our differences. And I love you for your support. ❤
When I was pregnant with my first son, I remember my husband saying that he hoped our son would find a woman he loved as much as he loves me. Which was sweet, but I replied “or man…”. My husband looked at me kind of confused and I said “what I hope for our son is that he knows love – that he loves and is loved. I don’t care what that looks like.” My husband nodded thoughtfully.
I think it’s big of you to wish well the people who would end a friendship over this.
Good for you for this post. I hope you and your kids find support and love from it. You’ve got mine (for what it’s worth from an Internet stranger!!😃)
This is one of the most beautiful comments I’ve read. Thank you so much for sharing it with me. ❤
Way to go Janine!!!!
Thanks, Kate. ❤
Thank you so much for sharing Janine.
You are amazing, brave and a wonderful mother.
Your children are so lucky and I bet they love you to the moon and back.
I will always be a friend.
Thank you so much, Sade. I’m not so sure about being amazing, brave or a wonderful mother, but I’m certainly glad that I have you for a friend. ❤
Perfect.
❤
Exactly what I needed to read. ❤️
Thank you sharing your heart.
Cheering you on from Texas.
AMEN, to that!! (oh, and I don’t give a rat’s ass who your kids love) I wish only the best for you and your kids and pray that they can find joy in their lives.
Thank you, Angela. Very much.
I have finally realized that our time on earth is not to please. We are here to love. And if that love is pleasing to others, that is nice. If that love is not, it doesn’t matter. And that love sometimes goes out of a body but it always stays in our soul. I know you feel that love Janine from Jim.
Hi,
I have been a lurker of yours for years but felt I needed to respond to you this time. You don’t know me at all but I feel like I know you. I just had to say how much I admire you and totally support you in every way. I am not in your (club) so can’t say I understand what you have gone through but want you to know that my prayers are with you always.
Hi Marcia! Thank you SO much for taking the time to comment … and to let me know that you’re there and have been there for a while. That means more than I can say. Thank you also for your words of encouragement. I love lurkers. ❤
Jesus didn’t put conditions on love and neither should we. Jim is proud of you and every one of your children and he would have your back on this! Again, your honesty is inspiring and helps so many more people than you even know! Love you!
I love you!!! ❤
You continue to be such a constant source of strength and even calmness as we grow older and some crazy way have in my heart grown so much closer as cousins over the past 6 plus years… I adore you! And admire all your strength and power and honesty and openness and love you so graciously share unbounded with whoever is listening…. You’ve helped me want to be and become a better mom and wife! ….. I support all your feelings about your children and my children know if life finds them in that path of love one day, my love never changes for them and nor does God’s….. And we know I go out on a shakey limb to take this stand as well … Fears of hurting so many I respect and love and have different beliefs….But God chose to trust ME and my husband with these children and so I believe that gives me His grace to love them and protect them in every single aspect of their lives’ just as my very special beautiful cousin has shown me…. You are the most beautiful light sweet girl !! I love you so very much! Thank you!! JLC
❤️😘❤️
Oh sweet cousin, I pray that we can get together in the near future. We have so much to share and catch up on. I love you for your support and love. And yes, I know the limb you just crawled out on. But I also believe that Christ’s love trumps that branch that so many of us have precariously climbed upon.
Thank you so much for your constant love and support. I love you.
Love is Love! Unconditional Love! Yes to all of this!!
“I think it’s obscene that we expect our gay children to “come out”, while our heterosexual children just grow up and marry.”
I’ve always felt like whey do they have to “come out” to be accepted and “straight” people aren’t walking around saying they’re straight?!
Just LOVE….
Thank you, Glenda. I’ve wondered that, too. Maybe we can help that stupid thinking to end.
I don’t think any parent ever “Agrees” with every choice or decision our children make. They are our children though and we have to let them find their own way in this world. Our job is to support and love them no matter what choices and/or decisions they make. Prayers for you and your kiddos amidst this world of chaos. May you all have long blessed lives.
Thank you, Tracy. I appreciate your kind thoughts and words.
Well said! Love is love…
Thank you, Kim. ❤
So powerful! I’m with you all the way on this, love is love is love!
Thank you, Toni. It helps so much to have support and encouragement.
God made me left handed and in some societies that is dirty and unacceptable. God made as many people gay as left handed and that’s not wrong either. If God did it, it has to be good. Love you!
Jeni Ellis Halliday Halli-Loo.com
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I love you! ❤
Janine, I’m still in bed reading your followup post. What a great way to start my day.
You have SO many people who love and support you!! You are so lucky and blessed!
I replied to your last post mostly addressing meds. I was not ashamed to say I’m on anti-depressants. Recently, I was also diagnosed as bi-polar like one of my children. That’s harder to admit because people hear the term and the stigma implies crazy. So I guess I just came out of the closet too. So there.
Two of my kids are married and two are single. If one of them came out I would love them unconditionally. That would never change.
I so admire you! You are an inspiration to me!
Love you
Susie~
Thank you so much, Susie. Thank you for your support, encouragement and love. And thank your for sharing so much of your heart, too. I admire you for “coming out”, too. There’s strength in numbers, my precious friend.
I love you.
Thanks Janine! We had so much trouble with our bi-polar son until he was diagnosed and got on meds. When he suggested I might be bi-polar too I was stunned. But, it did explain a lot. I did all the testing and sure enough I’m type one bi-polar and now I’m on meds. It feels so good to talk about it because there is such a stigma associated with being bi-polar. If you can get through SO much, you inspire me to get through this. We all also having problems with my other two boys. Ughhhh
Thanks for your frriendship! You are so special! Love you Janine!!
Being a widow makes people go away, and judge our lives, and it’s hard. It’s not hard to understand why you would wait until you are ready to deal with people that might judge your family. I imagine it is a hard line between respecting the privacy of your children while at the same time you don’t want to appear to be hiding anything because that implies there is something that should be hidden. You are an inspiration to me too.
Thank you, JSP. You’re right. It is a hard line between respecting my children’s privacy and not wanting to “hide” who they are. I wish that I could say I was always strong enough to not hide it.
Thank you for always being there. It means a lot.
It’s obvious you have a very close relationship with all of your children and they are so fortunate to have a loving mother who is always there for them….no matter where in this country they live. You are such a great example of what each of us should act like……I admire you so much and your words are such an inspiration! You certainly are blessed!