(Tonight’s dinner. And yes, I made it. And it was as delicious as it looks.)
…… Worlds.
I know that many friends live vicariously through me and my life in New York.
And I get that.
And am ok with it.
I think that no one lives vicariously through my being widowed.
And I get that.
And am ok with it.
I know that I have a wonderful life.
I know that I have no reason to complain.
And so I try not to.
Much.
But ……
I feel torn between two worlds.
One world is my life in NY, going to shows, seeing sights, trying to make a life for myself here and in Texas.
Loving time spent with my children and my grandchild.
In this world I am self sufficient, independent, happy to be able to do what I want, when I want. I love being able to travel between the two states, and elsewhere. I am 100% grateful that I’m able to live this life this way and I don’t take it for granted. I know that I was blessed to have the marriage that I had, with the perfect husband/best friend for me. And I know that I may never find that kind of love again, but that’s ok …… because at least I had it.
Then there’s the other world. The one in which I still do all of these things, still know all of these things and am still grateful for all of them.
But …… I feel lonely.
I miss having someone to be with.
Someone to have fun with.
Someone to talk to, argue with, laugh with, share things with.
Someone to hold hands with.
Someone to love.
And while I was blessed to have it, and know that I may have to be content with having had it once …… I really want to have it again.
Living alone can be very lonely.
Especially at the end of the day.
Why am I writing about this?
To let you know …… to make you aware, in case you’re not …… that while you may think that someone has a great life, a fun life, a busy life …… and that maybe every once in a while you might feel a twinge of envy for the life they lead …… we all have …… something.
No one has a perfect life.
No one.
And a person can be busy, active, traveling, show-seeing, blessed …… and still feel very lonely.
Very blessed. And very lonely.
Torn between two worlds.
My Second Plan A 
Oh, I can so relate! The happy with kids and grands; the sad, lonely of widowhood. The blessings of friends; the lack of the one who you enjoyed with those friends. The blessing of having had love, the wonder if it will ever come again and the lonely that its lack is now. Beautifully put, all your words….thank you.
Thank you, WriteBrain, for commenting and letting me know that you, too, get it. That helps.
Just so you know, I for one, totally get that. Sometimes I wonder who or why people could or would ever question that? I love you! Jennifer
Thank you, Jennifer. I love you, too. Very, very much. ❤
I get it!! Today would have been our 53rd wedding anniversary. Jerry has been gone for 9 months . I was fortunate enough to be invited to dinner by my daughter in law and son tonight so I didn’t have to spend the evening by myself. I am grateful to have spent those years with a great man, for our five kids and eleven grands, for the wonderful trips and many adventures but the loneliness can be overwhelming at times. So believe me when I say “I get it”. Love your posts. Always spot on.
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Oh, how I understand! I don’t hate what I have and am so grateful for what we had. I’m ok if I don’t have that again. It’s just sometimes the loneliness is so incredibly deep… And thick… And impossible to permeate. I get it!
YES!!! I agree and understand.
Yes! I soooo get this.