…… that’s all.
Just …… wow.
When last I left you, I had seen Sting in the Park.
Question: And yes, I know I could Google this, but what is his real name? Does it say “Sting” on his birth certificate, because if so …… bad parenting anyone?
Yesterday and today I read a book.
Book club is tomorrow afternoon.
Never let it be said that I don’t get things done …… when I want to.
I’ve also been to some barre classes and on some more walks through the Park.
Fall has not yet graced us with its presence, but it’ll be here soon. I hope.
The weather hasn’t been cold enough to turn the leaves yet, but I did happen upon two beautiful trees.
The cast changes every 6 weeks. Right now it stars Carol Burnett and Brian Dennehy.
People who know me well, know that I have loved Carol Burnett since I was much younger than I am now. Much.
When I think of her, I think of home.
I think of growing up, watching her show every Saturday night, while my mom put rollers in my hair for church the next morning.
I have memories of high school, and college, and continuing to admire, respect and love her talent.
She came to Houston to do an evening of Q & A. Jim took me to see her. She showed a video that contained a lot of clips from her show. I found myself crying during that video. I’m not sure why, except for the memories it brought, and the feeling of home.
Jim died later that year.
So anyway, I loved watching her tonight.
I went to the stage door afterwards, mainly because I was walking that way and there was room for me right at the very front.
I hoped she would come out. And just the thought of her doing that, made me teary. I knew that if she walked through that door, only a few feet from me, I’d be blubbering all over her.
So it’s probably a good thing that she didn’t.
But Brian Dennehy did.
Yesterday I awoke to find a text from a friend on my phone.
She wrote that she was very upset over a comment someone made on my FB wall.
I obviously hadn’t seen FB yet, so I opened up my computer and went to the site.
Something less than a firestorm had been unleashed.
By a “friend”.
All because I posted the night before that, as I was updating my children with pictures of a certain baby, I started missing Jim. A lot.
That’s it. That’s all I said.
Here’s what she said:
“With all my love and obeying the voice of the Lord. I want to tell you Janine your time of mourning is over. It is time to enjoy the life God gave you. It is time to renounce to self pity party. The Lord is not done with you jet. You got to finish the race but rejoicing on the Lord. This life is precious and temporary. Forgive yourself, forgive God! Jim is in Heaven with our Heavey Father and you know that you will reunite with him. God is more important than any person! It is time to put things in order. The word of God saysocevthe Lord your God above anything else, no your husband, no your children.
The Lord is your Husband!!!!”
She also quoted the verses from Ecclesiastes …… there’s a time for everything. Some of them say this: (I’m not quoting exactly, just giving highlights)
A time to be born, a time to die, a time to weep, a time to laugh, a time to mourn, a time to dance.
This “friend”, whose husband is very much alive, who has no idea what it is to grieve for the loss of half of your heart, for your future, for your children’s grief …… told me that my mourning is over.
And here I thought I was moving forward with my life, moving to a new place, enjoying the life I have, making the most of the days I have, etc.
I thought it seemed pretty evident that I am no longer “in mourning”.
Heck, I don’t even wear black that often …… even in New York!!
I have about 30 minutes of feeling sad and missing Jim, and I’m told it’s a pity party.
But do I still grieve? You bet.
Do I lay in bed and grieve and cry and spend a day in grief? I do not.
Not in a very long time.
Grieving and mourning are two different things, in my mind anyway.
Grief will always be with me, back in a corner of my mind, and my heart.
There will always be a thought, a word, a picture …… an event …… that will cause me to miss him …… and bring tears to my eyes.
And I’m ok with that.
I will never stop loving Jim.
Even if I’m blessed to have another love.
God came, and will continue to come, first in my life.
Jim was second.
The kids were third.
And we were all good with that.
Now the kids are second.
And will most likely remain second for a very long time.
And I’m good with that.
After the shock of reading that post, I briefly felt anger.
But then anger was replaced with something like pity.
I feel sorry for anyone who hasn’t experienced a love so deep, so strong, so …… forever.
I feel sorry for anyone who thinks they are the voice of God. That’s a lot of power to mis-use.
I can’t even fathom speaking for God.
Judging for God.
For those of you who read this blog …… and are widowed …… I pray that no one ever, EVER says those things to you.
You will grieve as long as you will grieve.
You will move forward at your own pace.
You will do things in your own time.
No one should judge you for how you grieve.
Especially someone who has no idea.
Never let someone tell you that you’re doing it wrong.
Never let someone make you feel bad, or wrong, or crazy because of how you grieve.
But if that ever does happen, please know that you can come here.
You can email me, message me, call me.
I’ll be here.
You are not alone.
It will get easier.
You will love life again.