My Last Night ……

…… with Little Bit, the new love of my life.
Well,hopefully not the last night forever. But my last night during his first week of life.
Daughter #3 came last Saturday and stayed wtih us. It was way too difficult for her to be in NY, away from the closest person to her, her twin, and the baby. It was so nice to be able to spend time with both of them.
And then Son #1 came in on Sunday to spend the day wtih all of us. The love and support that my children show to each other warms my heart and makes me very emotional. If the other three had been at points in their lives that would make travel possible, I know they would’ve been here, too.

Tomorrow I head back to NY.
And I have no doubt that there will be some tears shed before I go. And maybe during the flight. When Daughter #3 left I volunteered to stay home, saying that I’d be cleaning the house, which I did. But the real reason I stayed behind was because I knew that I’d be crying buckets watching the two of them part. I knew that they would both cry over being separated, and especially Daughter #3 being separated from Little Bit.
Bless her heart …… she had to head straight to the ladies room to try to pull herself together, because she was crying very hard.

Babies! Dang, the can bring out so much love and joy and then knock you to your knees when you have to leave them.
Which is what will happen to me tomorrow morning.

But I’ll be back. I’ll be in NY for two weeks and then back to Texas. Before Little Bit came into our lives I was thinking that I’d be in Texas for about a week, and then I’d head straight back to NY.
Now …… not so much.

It’s interesting how fast your life can change.
Both in good ways …… and bad.

Our lives changed horrifically in the span of a few hours, almost 7 years ago. And though things are finally good, and my life has gone in so many wonderful directions, it will never be the life I’m overjoyed with.
But it is the life I have, and so I plan to make the most, and best, of it.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned these past 7 years, it’s this …… flexibilty is key.
Again, life can, and often will, change in a heartbeat. Sometimes it’s loss, sometimes it’s new life.

This has been an amazing week. I’ve loved spending time holding, rocking and loving this new little life. I have no idea what his future holds …… but then, I have no idea what the future of my children, or myself, holds. And so I know that today is the day that matters. Today is the day to show this child, and my children, and everyone I love …… that they are loved.
I love this new little life.
I don’t know how long he’ll be in our lives. Daughter #2 and I don’t discuss that much. We sometimes comment about the “mom”, and all that she must be feeling. We also make plans to do things that will keep her in the loop …… like buying two baby books. One for Daughter #2 to fill out and keep all of the precious memories recorded. And one for his mother, which D#2 will also fill out, so that she’ll be able to see some of his “firsts”, and be able to feel like she was connected in some way.

We don’t know how long he’ll be in our lives, which is very difficult to think about. I held him the other night, and talked to him about the future that I hoped for him. I wondered if the love we give him now will make a difference in his life. I pray that God protects his body and his soul, and honors the love that has been, and will continue to be, poured into him.

And though we don’t spend a lot of time talking about her, I do think of his mother …… often. I think of the pain she must be feeling with her empty arms. I wonder about the pain she also feels from full breasts that can’t be relieved by her son. I wonder if she lies awake at night, wondering about the home he’s in, and the people who are taking care of him.
I wonder if she wonders if he’s feeling loved.
I wish there was some way to reassure her …… to let her know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he is THE most loved little boy on the face of this earth.

As for him, he is the most remarkable baby I’ve ever seen. No kidding.. And I’ve had six of my own wonderful babies …… but none of them compare to the easy-going, laid back, contented personality that this child has.
Truthfully, we have yet to hear him really cry. He makes noises a lot. And he can whimper a bit and sound totally pathetic. But he hasn’t ever really cried. He eats every two to three hours, and when that time comes, he makes small noises and opens and closes his mouth, like a little bird.
It’s kind of insane.

He doesn’t cry when you change his diaper. He doesn’t cry when you undress/dress him. He doesn’t cry when you bathe him. He doesn’t cry when he’s hungry. And so far, he doesn’t seem to get upset over anything enough to cry.

I had baby duty last night, so that D #2 could get a full night’s sleep. I’ll have it again tonight because, as I told her, she might as well take advantage of the last chance she’ll get to sleep through the night.

He woke up three times to be fed. And I enjoyed snuggling with him against me, as I fed him. I didn’t mind losing one second of sleep. I figure I can catch up when I get back to NY. I can always sleep …… but I’ll never have this time again.

So for those of you who pray, I ask that you pray for this tiny soul. I pray that the love we pour into him will somehow make a difference in his life.
I pray for his mother. I pray that, when the time comes for her to be reunited with this special child, she’ll be more than ready and equipped. I pray that she and her family will continue to pour love into him. And I pray that they will all know the love of God, and the power that love has.

And I pray for Daughter #2. I pray that she loves this child enough to be able to do what’s best for him. I pray that she loves his mother with an endless love. And I pray that God fill her heart with peace and joy over this child …… and what his future holds.

I have been so blessed to be a part of his life this week. And blessed to share him with my amazing daughter. She’s the most selfless, loving and brave person I know. I’d love to take credit for that, but I can’t. She is a child of God. And she has followed Him to this place in her life.

She has an amazing support system here in Waco, through her amazing church family and the people she works with.
She, and this child, are loved …… and supported.
What more could a mother want for her daughter?

So I leave tomorrow.
But I’ll be back.
And I’ll continue to support and encourage her …… and pour an endless supply of love into this tiny baby …… for as long as I can.

I am indeed blessed among women.

4 thoughts on “My Last Night ……

  1. Diane Taylor

    Hi Janine – I will be praying for this little one, for the life he will have, for the love you have surrounded him with, for your amazing daughter, for you and your family, for the mother who is missing her baby today. Broken hearts can be mended. There is beauty in the brokenness of life. We just have to look with eyes wide open šŸ™‚

  2. Lisa wiener

    I so love reading your blogs, some make me cry some make me laugh, but they all bring me hope that some day in this journey of the life I didn’t choose or want I will be able to smile again with moments of special times

  3. Michelle Ringelheim

    This was absolutely one of the most loving blogs I have ever read. I can see where your daughter gets her strength and loving abilities from. I wish you all well an hope that the baby brings joy to everyone in his life.


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