Category Archives: Moving Forward

You May Get Awfully Tired ……

…… of seeing this face.
Though I highly doubt it.
Because …… this face!

He’s all ours now.
Well, technically, he’s all Daughter #2’s. But she has to share. 🙂

The hearing was …… well, it was certainly surprising.

Before it really started, the judge was asking D2’s attorney some questions. She didn’t seem all that happy with the answers and seemed to indicate that she would not be on board with Little Man’s adoption today.
Most of us inwardly groaned and settled in, bracing ourselves to hear that this would not be finished today, but at some point in the near future.

The attorney questioned the case worker, and then D2. And she described her life over these past 20 months …… and her love (and ours) for Little Man. She also said what she feared would happen if he were to not stay with her.

I don’t think there were many dry eyes in the room.

She did a great, and very calm job.

After almost two hours both attorneys were basically done (D2’s and Little Man’s). The judge then questioned them.
Again, we thought we’d be returning to this court room at some future date to continue this journey.

And then, almost out of the blue, she looked up and said, “I’m signing the orders for termination and for adoption. And for the name change.”

Daughter #3 and I were sitting together and we both gasped in surprise. And then burst into tears. I really was stunned.
The judge looked over at us and smiled. I smiled at her through my tears and mouthed, “Thank you.”
She asked if there were enough tissue boxes in the room.
Fortunately, there were.

So it is done.
Little Man is 100% part of our family.
Forever.
Thank You, God.

He not only carries our last name, but his middle name is James.
After his grandfather, who would’ve burst into tears himself upon hearing that.

We had a celebratory dinner tonight. Just him, Daughter #2, Daughter #3, and their good friend/attorney. Oh, and me. We hope to have a party next weekend to celebrate in a big way.
On our way out of the restaurant, who should we bump into but Chip and Joanna (if you don’t know who they are, you don’t watch “Fixer Upper”, and …… I’m sorry), who had already heard the news through the Waco grapevine.

You have to love small towns. 🙂

I’m headed to Chicago tomorrow for my niece’s high school graduation. I know I’ll have a great time. I’m just praying that I’ll be able to get back home without having to sleep on a cot in O’Hare.
Please, God.

Before I go, I’m going to leave you with some pictures.
And a video.

Be careful. The cuteness overload may be too much for some people.
But you might as well get used to it.
Because ……
This.
Face!!

In with a Bang ……

A Beautiful Harp ……

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…… can’t always play beautiful music.

No matter how beautiful this magnificent instrument looks, it’s only as good as its strings.

Monday night, as I sat through the funeral of my stepmother, tears rolling down my face at yet another part of my life that is gone, the image of a beautiful harp filled my mind.
It came out of nowhere, but it was as clear as if the harp were actually sitting in front of me.
As I studied this harp in my mind, one of its strings suddenly broke. It was an almost violent action and sound that stood in contrast to the beauty of the instrument.
Sometimes the breaking of a harp string can be painful.
If you’re too close.

It didn’t take me long to realize that this beautiful, yet broken
instrument …… was a visual image of my life.
Or rather, of my life since I met Jim.

Meeting him and falling in love with him brought the harp into my life.
All of the people and experiences that came after that filled my beautiful harp with amazing sounding strings.
The music from that harp was often loud, full of joy, love, laughter and sometimes … touching sadness.

And then Jim died.
Suddenly.
And just as suddenly, most of the strings on that harp snapped violently, stinging anyone and anything in their path.
After that, the harp just sat …… in its brokenness.

It occurred to me, as I sat in that funeral home Monday night, that each breaking string represented another connection with Jim that was now gone.
So seeing that string break at that moment, wasn’t actually losing my stepmother, but losing another part of my life that contained Jim.

I thought of all of those broken strings, and the lost people or things they represented.
My mother in law.
People who withdrew from my life.
The sale of our home.
The sale of our lake house.
The death of a friend of ours.
The divorce of friends of ours.
Our children …… graduating, growing, graduating again …… marrying.
Moving to New York.
Leaving Kingwood.
Selling his car.

There are so many more strings that have broken.
So many more ties to Jim that have been lost.
The more they break …… the lonelier, and sometimes more broken, I feel.

But here’s the thing.
The most important thing.
The harp doesn’t have to stay broken.
New strings can be added.
Notice that I didn’t say that strings can be “replaced”.
Because they can’t.
Ever.
And that’s ok.
They need to be remembered and honored and treasured for what each of them added to the beauty of the instrument.

And then new strings can be installed.
All it takes is a little determination.
And the desire to hear beautiful music again.

But most importantly …… it’s asking for help from the God who’s been loving us and waiting for us all along.

I’ve found that he adds the very best strings …… when I get out of His way.

Ironically enough …… the same events that can break a string …… can also put in a new one.
Moving to New York.
Selling “our” home in order to start the next part of my life.
Children graduating. And thriving.
And marrying.

New strings can be added as often as you recognize them.
Son #4.
Little Man.
Moving to Waco.
Gracie. Making new friends. Reconnecting with old ones.
Continuing to make memories.
Continuing to count blessings.

A harp needs to have strings replaced periodically in order to sound its best.
And even though new strings bring beauty …… there will still be pain each time an old one breaks.
Each time I lose another connection to Jim.

It’s this thing called “life” …… and it comes with the territory …… of living.

My harp will continue to play, and will continue to cause pain sometimes. The only way to avoid that is to leave it sitting in a corner, collecting dust.
And missing out on its extraordinary, beautiful music.
That …… I cannot do.

I’ll continue to listen to its music, feel the pain of each broken string, and lovingly add new ones as needed, with God’s help.
Because I can’t bear the thought of never seeing, or hearing, its beauty again.
And remembering Jim each time it plays.

Thoughts, Emotions, Fears, Doubts ……

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…… you name it, it’s been swirling through my brain every single night lately.
Every.
Single.
Night.

I twist and turn and turn and twist.
My body feels like …… I don’t know how to explain it other than it feels like I’m jumping out of my skin.

Each day I wake up earlier than the day before.
This morning it was at 2:58.
A.M.

The thoughts?
Sadness due to death …… again.
Feeling overwhelmed.
Actually, that makes me laugh.
I am so BEYOND overwhelmed that I have no words for it.
Houses to buy.
Houses to sell that no one’s looking at.
Mortgages.
HOA dues.
Taxes.
Stay in NY?
Leave NY?
Fighting with internet companies.
Yes, I still have no internet in my apartment.
Calling new utility companies to begin service.
Getting things in order for a closing tomorrow.
Trying to find a moving company.
Wondering what the hell I’m doing.
Missing Jim too much for words.
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.

My stepmother died yesterday.
The person I wanted, I needed, to turn to, to be held by while I cried …… is the person I want most in the world.
The person who’s not here.
And never will be here.

Instead, I sat alone in my house.
You know, the usual.
And cried.
With no one.
As usual.
God, that sucks so much.

A few weeks ago, while I was at home in Texas, I went out to dinner with a friend.
As I walked through the restaurant I saw a sweet friend I hadn’t seen in a long time.
She had seen “Fixer Upper” and we talked about that for a bit. She said that she heard I was moving to Waco.
Then she said, “When they decide when they’re throwing you a goodbye party, please tell them to include me.”
I stopped for a moment, not able to say anything.
And then I just kind of stammered, “Ummmm, there won’t be a party.”
To which she replied, “Oh, don’t be silly, of course there’ll be a party! And I want to be there!”

But …… there really won’t be a party.
Probably for many reasons.
I don’t have that many friends left.
No one would think to do that.
I’ve been slowly moving away from there since I first went to NY.
But even before then, the friends had faded away.
Mostly.

My moving to Waco won’t even be a blip on the radar in Kingwood.
And I’m not writing that in a “woe is me” kind of way.
It is what it is.
For several reasons.
There’s no one to blame.
Unless it’s me.
But I won’t take all of it.

Life has moved forward.
And I don’t think I’ve been the widow that many would’ve liked me to be.
For whatever that’s worth.
Hell, I haven’t always been the widow I would’ve liked me to be.
Too bad there’s not a book that leads you through the loss of the most important person in your life.
Step by step.

It’s scary how fast and how much your life can change in such a short time.
How you can go from being surrounded by too many friends to count, a great and loving family …… to being mostly alone all of the time, no matter where you are.
For me, it’s much easier to be alone in a city where I don’t really know anyone, than being alone in a place where I used to have hundreds of friends.

Which makes it easier to leave and move to Waco.
The number one reason to move there is to be closer to the kids.
And the grandkid.
And now the parents.
And some extended family.
And …… Waco’s becoming kind of cool.
Who would’ve thunk?

Tonight I’ll be prepared when I go to bed.
Instead of getting out of bed at 3:00 a.m. to find my diffuser and natural oils (thank you, Beth) …… I’ll get them going before I go to bed.
Because they helped.
Although I can’t say if it was that …… or the Xanax I swallowed at 3:01 a.m.
I’m sure it was both.

All I know is that I need one really good night’s sleep.
Six to eight hours without waking up in a panic, thinking of all of the things I need to get done, am responsible for, haven’t done right, have to do alone, wish I’d done differently, need to add to my list, need to remove from my list, need to re-do, etc.
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.

Maybe now that I’ve put this out in the universe, my mind will be free of its clutter.
I’m trying to not laugh so hard that I can’t type.
But I can always hope.

And I can especially hope that I’m not the only widow/person who’s felt this way.
Hopefully.

I Really Am Happy ……

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…… but it’s always a happiness tinged with some sadness.
Always.
I certainly don’t choose to have that sadness there.
I don’t invite it in.
I don’t even think about it sometimes.
It just appears.

I leave for NY tomorrow morning.
And I’m more than ready to get back there.
And not only because I’m going to be in the audience (AND the after party!) of SNL Saturday night (WHOOP!!!).
But I’ve been away too long.
It’s time to go back.
Even if it’s only for a couple of weeks.

I close on the Waco house at the end of this month.
I’m excited about that house.
I look forward to living in it.
But yet ……
There’s sadness.

I love my Kingwood house.
I haven’t lived in it as long as I thought I would.
It’s a great house.
I’ll miss it.

I’ve lived in Kingwood for almost 25 years.
Almost eight and half years without Jim.
It’s time to leave.
Which makes me happy …… and yet makes me sad.
So many mixed feelings.

I miss him.
Still.
Always.
Forever.

Life moves forward.
In spite of him not being here.
Things change.
Homes are sold.
Houses are bought.
Children grow up.
They get married.
They have children.
In spite of him not being here.
Happiness tinged with sadness.
Always.

In other news …… kind of …… I received a check in the mail a couple of days ago.
It was for $5,000.00. From the people who bought the lake house.
Surprise, surprise.
And since they sent it …… I guess I won’t publish their names here.
Sorry.
You know I’d love to.
But I’m taking the high road.
🙂

So I’ll see you from New York.
Be sure to watch SNL Saturday night.
Not because you’ll see me in the audience.
But so we can exchange notes afterwards.
And so you can find out if I stayed awake to join the after party at 1:00 a.m.
Care to place a bet?

Shifting Sands and Mingled Feelings ……

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…… best describes my life right now.

The wedding was amazing. It was beautiful and perfect. It was exactly what Daughter #3 wanted and what she planned. No kidding, it went off without a single hitch.
Well …… if you don’t count the fact that we thought Kleinfeld’s didn’t deliver the veil. But that was only for a brief moment in time (about 2 hours) and we found it so …… whew!

But other than that …… it was wonderful.
And painful.
Which brings us to mingled feelings.

I was so thrilled for Daughter #3. And Son #4.

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And I loved every moment of being there with all of my children.
And Little Man.

Lauren_Ben-625
And my family and friends.
Plus the weather was A.Maze.Ing!

(Please note that I included the silent e, so that you would know the word was pronounced “maze” and not “maz”, but I know that it’s not there in the actual word “amazing”. That’s for all of you grammar nazis. Of which I am one.)

Anyway, we couldn’t have asked for a more beautiful day for a wedding, let alone for an outdoor wedding.

I even managed to find a dress at the last minute that I actually liked. And I found a woman who could hem it at the ultra last minute. And she only charged me $10.
So there was that.

I felt really good the day of the wedding. I did’t feel emotional, I felt happy and excited.
And very blessed.
The wedding was at 5:00 and as two of my three sons walked me down the aisle, I still felt happy.
And then the pastor began the service.
Thankfully, before he got too far into it, I had a part to play, as did the mother of the groom.
We each got up in front and read a verse our children had chosen to be included in their wedding.

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My verse was Song of Songs (aka Song of Solomon) 8:7.
Which just so happens to be the verse from Jim’s and my wedding.
And which also just so happens to be engraved on my left wrist.

“Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away. If one were to give all the wealth of one’s house for love, it would be utterly scorned.”

I think Daughter #3 doubted that I’d make it through the reading without breaking down.
I told her that I’d be fine.
And I was.
100%.

I didn’t even trip walking from or back to my seat.
Props for me.

I was still doing well.
And then the age old wedding theme was introduced.
You know, that whole, “till death do us part” thing.
Not exactly those words, but you know what I mean.

The pastor joked about the two of them, being old one day and sitting in rockers on their front porch, remembering their wedding.
And I lost it.
Because …… well, because.
It would be wonderful if we all got to become old and sit on the porch with our most-loved person.
But there you go.

Fortunately Son #2 was sitting next to me and he either had his arm around me securely, or he held my hand tightly for the entire ceremony.
Especially during the vows.
Where again that “till death” subject popped up.
I love my sons.
And I love how they want to protect me.
Even when they can’t.

Lauren_Ben-618

So my feelings of happiness mingled with my tears.
Tears of grief for Jim’s huge absence.
Tears of fear that Daughter #3 may one day feel what I’ve felt.
Tears of desperation as I prayed over and over, “Please let him live a very, very long time.”
Tears.

My heart was full and yet breaking at the same time.
Happiness and grief.
Love and loss.
Joy and fear.

But all of the happiness, love and joy lasted longer than the feelings of grief, loss and fear.
As soon as they were pronounced husband and wife and turned to show us the joy on their faces, I felt nothing but love and joy for them.

Lauren_Ben-594

The rest of the night was a blast.

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The food was fabulous, the dancing was fun and everyone celebrated love.
Which was the whole reason we were there.

God’s love for us.
Jim’s love for me.
My love for him.
That’s what began all of this.
Love.
Pure and simple.
And wonderful.
Forever and ever.

Love not only brought about mingled feelings, but it’s brought about shifting sands.

I’ve been house hunting in Waco for a couple of months now.
I want to be closer to my children.
Five out of six (or rather …… six out of seven) live much closer to Waco than to Houston.
And then there’s Little Man.
And the future foster children of Daughter #2.
I want to live closer to him …… to them.
I want to be able to help Daughter #2 as she moves further into motherhood.

So I was thrilled last week to walk into the house of my dreams.
A house 15 minutes from her and Little Man.
A house I wasn’t even looking for, or so I thought.
It was completely different from everything else I had seen.
In fact, it wasn’t even on the market.
And now it’s mine.
Or it will be …… in about 30 days.

My Houston house is on the market.
I will miss it, to be sure.
But not enough to stay.

I will miss the community I’ve lived in for almost 25 years, without a doubt.
But not enough to keep me here.
I will love this place and the friends we made here …… for the rest of my life.
I will treasure most of the memories from here in my heart forever.
And I’ll come back to visit.
After all, it’s only a three hour drive.
Which hopefully will never be anything like a certain infamous “three hour cruise”.
I mean, we do have cell phones now.
Real ones …… not made of coconuts.

So yeah.
It’s been an eventful month or so.
Mingled feelings.
Shifting sands.
Wonderful memories.
Hope for a fun future.
With plans for more wonderful memories.
And love.
Lots and lots of love.

And blessings beyond measure.

Lauren_Ben-629

P.S. I’m keeping my apartment in NY.
I’m not crazy you know.
Waco will definitely need to be balanced out by NY.
Or I will go crazy.
100%.

🙂

P.P.S. All of the fabulous wedding pictures posted from this wedding were taken by Angela King in Austin. I cannot recommend her highly enough. You’ll find her web site here.

“The Best Laid Plans ……

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of mice and men often go awry.”

I have no idea why that quote talks about the plans of mice. I mean, really?? Who knows what the plans of mice are?
And technically, I’m not a man, but boy, did my plans go awry yesterday.

It was the day I was closing on our lake house.
The place that Jim loved the most.
The place where we spent his final days, though we had no idea they were to be his last.
The place where the kids and I spread the last of his ashes.
The place I thought we’d keep forever.
The place where I thought our children would come to share holidays with their children.

The place that became none of that after he died.

I knew that this closing could be a mine field of emotions, but I planned to be very stoic. I planned to get through this day without any emotions.
Without any tears.

But the best laid plans ……

Our original closing date was to be on March 17th.
Next week.
But last week the buyers informed me that they wanted to close a week early, on the 11th.
They suddenly had plans to go out of the country on March 14th, and wouldn’t be back until the 21st.
So they wanted to move the closing up and they wanted to do a walk through early that afternoon and told us to make sure that NOTHING was left behind …… in the house or on the property.
They thought that I would be thrilled with this plan.
They thought they were doing me a favor.
And boy, were they wrong.

My parents have been living in the lake house.
They had arranged a moving company to load up all of their stuff …… on the 11th.
There was no way in hell that the house would be ready for the buyers’ walk through.
So I told them no.
We couldn’t move the closing up an entire week, just to fit their travel arrangements.
And I told them that I was angry that they decided to move things up, and expected us to have the house empty a week early.
I told them that their plans did not fit with our schedule.
And that I was also irritated that they now wouldn’t be closing on the house on the day that they gave me, but instead we’d have to do it over a week later.

They apologized for causing me any stress and said that they would like to close on the 11th, but would totally understand that the house wouldn’t be empty for their walk through. They said that they understood that we’d still be knee-deep in moving out.

They lied.

I drove to the lake yesterday to close on the house.
My parents were still packing and the movers had come and gone.
The movers also miscalculated the size of the truck they would need.
So they couldn’t pack everything into the truck that they brought.
Which meant that my parents had to rent a U-Haul and pack much of the things on their own.

I went to the closing, knowing that the house wasn’t empty, but also knowing that they buyers had said that would be ok.
I signed all of the papers.
I did everything I was supposed to do.
Then I went to the house and took a few last pictures.

My agent and I were getting ready to head back home when the buyers’ agent called her.

And told her that the closing was off.
They buyers had done the walk through and were pissed off that the house wasn’t empty.
They didn’t want to close now.
Unless I agreed to sign a lease back to them for one day, guaranteeing them that the house would be empty after that one day.

That phone call changed all of my plans.
Suddenly, the selling of this house felt painful.
Much more painful than it had to be.
And the tears started to flow.

This was not the plan.
We were supposed to keep this house for many, many years.
I was not supposed to have to sell it on my own.
And I was not supposed to have to deal with a couple of asses on my own.
But there you go.

So we drove back to the title company to make the closing happen.
And this couple …… this couple who professed to be kind and understanding and supportive a week earlier (as well as to my mom during the walk through) …… were anything but.
They demanded that I put up a deposit of $5,000 in case the property wasn’t emptied to their liking.
This was what it would take to make them feel “comfortable” enough to do the deal.
My agent said that we wouldn’t agree to that high of a deposit. And their agent said that maybe if I talked to them and assured them that the house would be emptied, they’d feel more comfortable.
By this time I couldn’t stop the tears.
I didn’t want to talk to these people.
I just wanted to go home.
But I went in to face them and to try to assure them that they had nothing to worry about.
I also tried to tell them why this was so emotional for me.

They couldn’t have cared less.
The wife had a stupid grin plastered on her face the entire time I spoke to them.
I wanted to slap her.
They didn’t care that this was emotional for me.
That this was a home my husband loved and that I wished we’d never had to sell.
They were not the “Christians” that they purported to be.
They were heartless and very, very cold.

They said that they thought they were doing ME a favor by closing a week early.
They said that most sellers would be thrilled with an earlier closing date.
That most sellers would say, “Thank God!!” that the closing date was moved up.
They seemed to think that I owed them.

They wanted the house emptied, and they wanted it emptied yesterday.And they demanded that I give them the $5,000 deposit. Or they would walk.

I wanted to be the one that walked.
I wanted to tell them what they could do with their demands …… and their plans to buy my house.
But in the end, that didn’t make sense.
And so I signed their stupid lease agreement.
All the while blaming Jim for putting me in this situation.
Even though that didn’t make sense.
It is what it is.

I hate that couple.

I wanted to like them and wish them well with their four children in our home.
I wanted this to go so much differently than it did.
I didn’t plan to cry.

But there you go.
The best laid plans ……

I spent most of the day today working at that house, helping my parents pack up the rest of their stuff.
I worked my butt off cleaning out everything, in a couple of sheds, the garage and the house.
I am beyond tired.
And sore.

But it is done.
We’ll see if they give my back my $5,000.
I don’t have high hopes.
And I won’t know for a month.

I planned for this to go differently.
This house was the last thing I had that Jim and I shared.
It was the last thing I had of my “before” life.
It could have gone so much better.
That’s what I planned, anyway.

The best laid plans ……

Sometimes really suck.

Waco and Weddings and Little Man ……

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…… oh, my!

I’ve been in Waco for a week now and have been having a blast with Little Man. Last week Daughter #2 went to a conference for a couple of days so he and I had lots of together time.
Especially in the middle of the night.
Oh my.

Little Man has been teething …… to the max.
He’s had several teeth come in in just a week.
It would seem that they all break through in the wee hours of the morning.
But hopefully, we’re past the worst part.
At least for now.

He’s slept through the night the past couple of nights.
Thank you, God.
I’m finding out that grandparents are way too old to get up multiple times during the night and still be able to function the next day.
Which means that both Little Man and I were glad to see Daughter #2 when she returned.

This is his favorite spot in the kitchen.
Well, other than his high chair.

I brought this bear with me on this trip. It was Daughter #2’s bear when she was a baby. One of my sorority sisters made it for her.
He totally loves it.

Totally.

The weather has been so nice that we’ve spent time outside, playing with a water table.
His curls are delicious, are they not? 🙂

This past weekend we took him to the Farmer’s Market and to the Waco zoo. The weather was wonderful for both and we all had a great time.
He enjoyed his first “train” ride at the market (if you don’t count the NY subway).
They’re in the yellow train car.

Little Man LOVES the aquarium part of the zoo.

I was struck by the flexibility of this giraffe.

Then she decided to go lie down ……

…… to eat.
Gotta love a woman with a goal.

Then there was this.

A rhino who’s horn has grown out straight and is so long that it appears she can’t lift her head.
Word is that she’s so irritable that the zoo keepers can’t get near her to trim her horn down.

Which probably describes me perfectly at the age of 80.

This orangutan was just sitting at the fence when we walked up …… and then he evidently decided that it was time to show off.
And so he did. He traversed down the fence like this. I got it on video.

All in all, we had a great day at the zoo.

I’ve been doing some house hunting here. I’ve found two houses that I like a lot. But I want to at least get an offer on my current home before I put one on another one.
I know. Call me crazy.

Gracie Lou has been having a blast hanging out with my friend N and her hubby and dog. I think she’s really going to miss having a built in playmate when I bring her home. N has been sweet enough to send me daily pics.

Oh my word, I miss this face.
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Daughter #1 flew into Austin today. She and Daughter #3 will be driving to Waco tomorrow to attend the Bachelorette party tomorrow night. Little Man and I will be hanging out together while the ladies go out and have fun and debauchery.
In reality, there will be much more fun than debauchery.

On Friday we’ll all head to Austin to start the wedding festivities.

That’s all for now. I doubt that I’ll have much time to write again until after the wedding. I appreciate all of the comments, love, good thoughts and prayers that you’re all sending. Please keep them coming.

Saturday is going to be an awesome day.
❤

Life Moves Forward ……

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…… and stops.

It’s been an eventful week for my family. Exciting things have been happening.
But for other families …… time has stopped.

Granted, I don’t personally know these families, but I have been where they are and I know the journey that lies before them.
And my heart breaks for them.

David Bowie …… and his wife Iman.
Alan Rickman …… and his wife Rima.
Rene Angelil …… and his wife Celine.

I hate that these women are now in this “club”.
I hate what lies ahead for them.
I hope that they find the kind of support and love and acceptance that’s here for them.

And life moves forward.
Slowly. One second at a time.
And then one day at a time.

I’m feeling overwhelmed.
In a good way.

Daughter #2 has been involved in a home remodeling.
It just so happens that this remodel is being done by a very popular show on HGTV.
It’s been going on since early November.
And today was the “reveal” of the finished project.

I was on “Gigi duty”.
Meaning, I took care of Little Man while all of the filming was going on.
I watched the taping from afar.
Which was frustrating, because I would’ve loved to have seen my daughter’s face when she saw her “new” home.
But I’ll watch it on TV when everyone else does.
(Which will be some time in March or April …… I’ll keep you posted.)

I took pictures from several houses away.
I entertained Little Man and then drove him around the block a few times so that he could fall asleep for a nap.
We spent an hour or so in the car.
And then it was done and I was able to wake him up and go into the house.
Oh.
My.
Word.

I knew that the finished product would be wonderful.
I expected to be delighted with the result.
But I didn’t expect to be so overwhelmed that I would cry.
Really cry.
I was shocked.
And so grateful and thrilled for my daughter.
I felt very blessed that she has been so blessed.
The house is more beautiful than I could have imagined.

I feel honored to be a witness to this blessing.
And honored to know that so many of my friends and family have helped out with this blessing.
Daughter #3 and her very good friend (also sometimes known as Daughter #4) created a site for people to donate for this remodel.
Contrary to popular belief, HGTV does not pay for the work.
You have to pay for it yourself, and it is not cheap.
Not by a long shot.

I shared the site on Face Book.
And holy cow, my friends and family rose to the occasion.
I’m flabbergasted at the love and generosity.
It will help Daughter #2 so very much.
She’s a social worker.
She’s a single mom of a foster child (who’s now 15 months old … can you believe it?!!).
And she’s moving forward to try to adopt Little Man.
All prayers are very appreciated.

I think they’re going to keep the site open for a bit longer.
If you’d like to help …… here’s the link.
If you can’t, we’d still appreciate your prayers and positive thoughts.

They still need to finish a few things before she and Little Man can move back into the house.
Which will hopefully be in a couple of weeks.

Right now she’s living in a studio apartment.
Which is about the size of a nice walk in closet.
I don’t know how she’s done it.
But I’ll get to experience it later this week when she goes to a conference and Gracie and I move in to take care of Little Man.
Keep those prayers and positive thoughts coming!
Please!!

Until then Gracie and I are staying in a hotel.
In Waco, Texas.
Which gives you a clue as to the HGTV show.
You’re welcome.
🙂

Fifty six ……

10 Replies

…… yep, 56 …… that’s how old you’d be today …… if you were still here.
Instead …… you are forever 47.
Not fair, Jim.
Totally not fair.

In case you’re wondering, though I don’t think that you are, I miss you.
Every single day of my life …… I miss you.

You have missed so much.
Or have you?
Do you see us?
Are you a witness to everything our kids have been through?
Do you know how far each of them has come?
If so, I know that you are bursting with pride.
For each of them.
And all that they’ve accomplished.
All while missing you.

My life is so different now.
You’d hardly recognize it.
Or would you?
Do you see me?
Are you aware of how much has changed?
Are you proud of me?

I hope so.
I hope that you see.
I hope that you’re here …… nearby. Watching and cheering me on.
I’m not sure if you are.
But I hope so.

When you died, most of me died.
I thought I would die.
I wished I’d die.
But here I am.
Eight years later.
Not only alive …… but living.
There’s a difference, you know.

I’m living.
I’m joyful.
I’m happy.
I’m content.
Mostly.

There are still days.
The missing of you still brings tears.
The loving of you will never end.
Not by me.
Not by your children.
Not by anyone who truly knew you.

Thank you for loving me unconditionally.
Thank you for our children.
Thank you for striving to be a godly man.
And a loving father.
And a Christ-like husband.

Thank you for wanting to grow old with me.
Even though you didn’t.
It’s the thought that counts.
And you are always in my thoughts.

I love you, Jim.
Always and forever.
And I’ll see you soon.

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My Second Plan A

After my first Plan A ended tragically, and all too soon, I came up with my second Plan A. It took a while, but now I'm ready to live again. And live fully.