Shifting Sands and Mingled Feelings ……

…… best describes my life right now.

The wedding was amazing. It was beautiful and perfect. It was exactly what Daughter #3 wanted and what she planned. No kidding, it went off without a single hitch.
Well …… if you don’t count the fact that we thought Kleinfeld’s didn’t deliver the veil. But that was only for a brief moment in time (about 2 hours) and we found it so …… whew!

But other than that …… it was wonderful.
And painful.
Which brings us to mingled feelings.

I was so thrilled for Daughter #3. And Son #4.

12829092_1132641250104127_9204768854159270214_o
And I loved every moment of being there with all of my children.
And Little Man.

Lauren_Ben-625
And my family and friends.
Plus the weather was A.Maze.Ing!


(Please note that I included the silent e, so that you would know the word was pronounced “maze” and not “maz”, but I know that it’s not there in the actual word “amazing”. That’s for all of you grammar nazis. Of which I am one.)

Anyway, we couldn’t have asked for a more beautiful day for a wedding, let alone for an outdoor wedding.

I even managed to find a dress at the last minute that I actually liked. And I found a woman who could hem it at the ultra last minute. And she only charged me $10.
So there was that.

I felt really good the day of the wedding. I did’t feel emotional, I felt happy and excited.
And very blessed.
The wedding was at 5:00 and as two of my three sons walked me down the aisle, I still felt happy.
And then the pastor began the service.
Thankfully, before he got too far into it, I had a part to play, as did the mother of the groom.
We each got up in front and read a verse our children had chosen to be included in their wedding.

Lauren_Ben-493
My verse was Song of Songs (aka Song of Solomon) 8:7.
Which just so happens to be the verse from Jim’s and my wedding.
And which also just so happens to be engraved on my left wrist.

IMG_3326

“Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away. If one were to give all the wealth of one’s house for love, it would be utterly scorned.”

I think Daughter #3 doubted that I’d make it through the reading without breaking down.
I told her that I’d be fine.
And I was.
100%.

I didn’t even trip walking from or back to my seat.
Props for me.

I was still doing well.
And then the age old wedding theme was introduced.
You know, that whole, “till death do us part” thing.
Not exactly those words, but you know what I mean.

The pastor joked about the two of them, being old one day and sitting in rockers on their front porch, remembering their wedding.
And I lost it.
Because …… well, because.
It would be wonderful if we all got to become old and sit on the porch with our most-loved person.
But there you go.

Fortunately Son #2 was sitting next to me and he either had his arm around me securely, or he held my hand tightly for the entire ceremony.
Especially during the vows.
Where again that “till death” subject popped up.
I love my sons.
And I love how they want to protect me.
Even when they can’t.

Lauren_Ben-618

So my feelings of happiness mingled with my tears.
Tears of grief for Jim’s huge absence.
Tears of fear that Daughter #3 may one day feel what I’ve felt.
Tears of desperation as I prayed over and over, “Please let him live a very, very long time.”
Tears.

My heart was full and yet breaking at the same time.
Happiness and grief.
Love and loss.
Joy and fear.

But all of the happiness, love and joy lasted longer than the feelings of grief, loss and fear.
As soon as they were pronounced husband and wife and turned to show us the joy on their faces, I felt nothing but love and joy for them.

Lauren_Ben-594

 

The rest of the night was a blast.

12798987_1132641033437482_3605739269610813417_n
The food was fabulous, the dancing was fun and everyone celebrated love.
Which was the whole reason we were there.

God’s love for us.
Jim’s love for me.
My love for him.
That’s what began all of this.
Love.
Pure and simple.
And wonderful.
Forever and ever.

 

Love not only brought about mingled feelings, but it’s brought about shifting sands.

I’ve been house hunting in Waco for a couple of months now.
I want to be closer to my children.
Five out of six (or rather …… six out of seven) live much closer to Waco than to Houston.
And then there’s Little Man.
And the future foster children of Daughter #2.
I want to live closer to him …… to them.
I want to be able to help Daughter #2 as she moves further into motherhood.

So I was thrilled last week to walk into the house of my dreams.
A house 15 minutes from her and Little Man.
A house I wasn’t even looking for, or so I thought.
It was completely different from everything else I had seen.
In fact, it wasn’t even on the market.
And now it’s mine.
Or it will be …… in about 30 days.

My Houston house is on the market.
I will miss it, to be sure.
But not enough to stay.

I will miss the community I’ve lived in for almost 25 years, without a doubt.
But not enough to keep me here.
I will love this place and the friends we made here …… for the rest of my life.
I will treasure most of the memories from here in my heart forever.
And I’ll come back to visit.
After all, it’s only a three hour drive.
Which hopefully will never be anything like a certain infamous “three hour cruise”.
I mean, we do have cell phones now.
Real ones …… not made of coconuts.

So yeah.
It’s been an eventful month or so.
Mingled feelings.
Shifting sands.
Wonderful memories.
Hope for a fun future.
With plans for more wonderful memories.
And love.
Lots and lots of love.

And blessings beyond measure.

Lauren_Ben-629

 

 

P.S. I’m keeping my apartment in NY.
I’m not crazy you know.
Waco will definitely need to be balanced out by NY.
Or I will go crazy.
100%.

🙂

P.P.S.  All of the fabulous wedding pictures posted from this wedding were taken by Angela King in Austin.  I cannot recommend her highly enough.  You’ll find her web site here.

4 thoughts on “Shifting Sands and Mingled Feelings ……

  1. Drew Hyun

    I can’t tell you how often I laugh out loud and get moved to tears in the same blog post. Warmest congrats… and warmest thanks.

    Reply
  2. JANICE HEIDT

    thank you so much for posting. my situation is a little different: harmon died 7 months after my daughter’s wedding, and now, 5 years out, there is a first grandbaby, a girl who is named after him, and the joy of her birth is linked forever with the grief that he is not here to meet her, to love her, to be a wise influence in her life. and now i’m looking at the same kind of decision: do i stay here in north carolina, in the mountains i love, or do i move back to texas to be closer to my daughters and my present and future grandchildren? or do i try to live in both places for a while? so thank you for sharing your journey. it helps with making my own decisions.

    Reply
    1. mysecondplana Post author

      Hi Janice,
      Thanks for commenting. It always helps to know that people identify with me, too! It’s a tough decision, and one that only you can make. But I will say this …… don’t move unless you really, really want to. It should be a decision that fills you with mostly joy, and of course some bittersweet. If you can swing it, I highly recommend renting a place in Texas first, and spending time in both places. (Not to sway you, but there’s no state tax in Texas! 😉 )

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s