Tag Archives: life after loss

I Know It’s Hard to Believe ……

…… but this little monster has gained a HUGE 9 ounces since I got her!!!

She went to the vet today to get her second set of shots and a check up. She’s doing great, if you don’t count the fact that she has a hernia that will have to be repaired.
I’m starting to doubt the professionalism of the “breeder”.

The positive thing is that we can fix that when we spay her at 5 months.
And when I say “we”, I mean the vet. While I feel that I could comfortably deliver a baby at any point in time, I do not have the skills to remove anything else from a body.
I’m using the royal we.
I don’t know why.

I have spent the better part of today putting together a Thanksgiving menu for our family of …… let me count …… ummmmmm, me, five of my kids, my parents, Daughter #3’s boyfriend (I know!), my brother and his two daughters and hopefully my sister in law.
What does that give us? 13?
Yeah, 13. Hopefully not the unlucky number most people pin on it.

So yeah, recipes. Yawn.
I think I’m pretty much sticking with anything Pioneer Woman makes.
Heart-clogging, creamy deliciousness.
For one day a year.

Except for the turkey.
For that main even I’m using a brine recipe that I saw on the Steve Harvey show.
Do NOT judge my tv viewing. I think that guy is a no-nonsense parent, a terrific husband who puts his wife first, and he says what he thinks and lets the chips fall where they may.
Having said that, I’m not a regular viewer, but the TV was on one day last week and when I walked into the room he had a guy on there fixing a turkey using Dadgum That’s Good Brine.
And that’s pretty much when I knew what I was doing to our turkey.
Bam!

After I found all of the recipes I wanted, made up a shopping list for everything (Oh. My. Word.),
took a shower, and got ready to leave for the grocery store …… I got to the garage and then thought better of it. I want the fresh stuff that I have to purchase to be fresh next Wednesday, so I decided to put the shopping trip off until Monday.
This may have been a terrible judgement call.
We shall see.

Speaking of taking a shower …… I happen to have a walk-in shower. Which means that there’s no door.
I have no problem with that and in fact, I happen to enjoy having one less glass door/shower curtain to clean.
But today, for the first time since I got her, Gracie showed what it’s like to have such a teensy brain.
She always follows me around. Always. And everywhere. It’s like having a two year old again, when you couldn’t even go to the bathroom without tiny fingers being stuck under the door and the wailing of the dying going on because of the 60-second separation.

Now, she usually just sits in the bathroom and waits on me to come out of the shower, but evidently she was feeling extra needy today because she just walked right into the shower. And I have to tell you that she’s not a water-lover. If she’s ever gotten close to the water in the shower, she’s backed off quickly.
But not today.
She marched right in, whining the whole time.
Do you know how difficult it is to take a shower while a tiny, 2 pound, 9 ounce, fur ball is circling your feet?
I’m totally going to have to get one of those necklaces so that I can call someone and say, “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up.”
She’s going to kill me.

On the bright side, it was a terrific way to get her bathed and now she smells just as wonderful as I do.
🙂

I tackled another project today, and I must say that I think I did a great job:

Yep, I put that together. Plus the glider ottoman that goes with it.
It’s going upstairs in the guest room, which will soon contain a white crib.
It had a white crib in it when I got home on Monday. Son #2 had put it together, but some of the slats had been pretty damaged in transit, so I took it apart, boxed it back up and hauled it downstairs for the UPS guy to pick up, which he did this morning.
I think the replacement crib will arrive Friday, so we’ll start all over.

Now you need to know that this crib (and various other baby stuff I got) is not just because of Little Bit.
It’s for any and all future Little Bits. Or Medium Bits.
The room looks really great, so I’ll have to keep that in mind the next time Son #3 comes home and lights into me for putting that stuff in “his” room.
And “light into me” is putting it mildly.

Oh well.
Such is the curse of a horrible mother.

OK, so I have a question. How big of a turkey should I get for 13 people? I’d appreciate any turkey advice you can give.
Most of the other dishes can be made the day before, which is exactly what I plan to do.

It is now time to rustle something up for dinner (See? I’m already sounding like the Pioneer Woman!).

Take it easy, Peeps, and if you have any terrific suggestions for Thanksgiving meals, bring ’em on!
🙂

Back to Sleeping ……

1 Reply

…… through the night.
Well, as through the night as I can with a tiny little puppy who has a bladder the size of a dime.

I’m happy to say that the visit with Little Bit’s mother went very well. She’s very grateful and appreciative of all of the love Daughter #2 has been showering upon him. It sounds like she’s working very hard to be the mom he deserves when the time comes.
And that’s a very good thing.

I’m not gonna lie.
It will be harder than hell to say good bye to him …… to know that we’ll most likely never see him again.
There will be grief.
But there will also be joy that he’ll be where he’s supposed to be.
And I’m sure it won’t be long before D#2 will have her hands full with another foster child.
Have I told you lately that I think she’s amazing?
Because she totally is.

Today I went to see my rheumatologist. I can’t remember if I mentioned this or not, but when I last saw him 3 months ago, he put me on Plaquenil, which is for the prevention and treatment of malaria.
Lucky me …… I’m killing two birds with one pill. Hopefully easing the pain of whatever inflammatory disease is racking my body …… AND thumbing my nose at any mosquitoes in the area!

Well, to my utter surprise, the med has indeed helped with the pain. I would say that it’s at least 50% better. Which is a two-fold success. First, and most obvious, it’s nice to be in less pain 24/7. And secondly, it proves that there is indeed some kind of inflammatory crap inside my body so I’m not insane.
Well, at least not about that.

So we continue this plan of attack, and by we, I mean me. I don’t think he’s taking this med.
I see him again in 3 months, and as long as all goes well (he thinks that the improvement will grow beyond 50%) and I don’t have any problems with my eyes (a big bad side effect), we’ll continue on this path.
So yay for that.
Less pain is always something I’ll cheer for.

Gracie is getting used to being back at the house. She still follows me every where, which can be a huge pain.
For her.
She’s so very easy to step on!
And even though I think she’s a wee bit insane, I really love having her around. She is just a bouncing bundle of joy and love.
She definitely has a Napoleon complex and has no idea that she’s the size of an average guinea pig.
We’re currently working on litter training, “sit”, and “no biting”. She’s doing pretty well.
We’re also working on trying to keep her tiny body warm.
She’s less than thrilled:

Speaking of animals, before I arrived home I received a phone call from the guy who does my landscaping and was told that a group of wild hogs is going nuts in my neighborhood. And …… they decided to take out all of the small pine trees that we had planted several months ago.
T.A.N.W.
Except I’m joining the NRA and going hog hunting.

So I have to replace some trees.
Stupid pigs.

Wild animals hate me.
And the feeling is starting to be very mutual.

That’s it for now.
I still haven’t caught up on my sleep, even though I’ve heard that’s not possible.
I’m still going to give it the ol’ college try.
I’m tired of being wiped out before 9:00 p.m.
While I agree that I’m old …… I’m not THAT old!!

Oh, and the Heart Walk went extremely well!! The Humble ISD won second place in fundraising!!
It was a beautiful day for walking 3 miles and it was over way too soon. I’m looking forward to doing it again next year. Thank you to all of you who donated!
This is the picture you see when you enter “Jim’s building”:

And this is the Eggers Team. We rocked!

Before I go I want to thank all of you who commented here and on Face Book after my last post about D#2.
Thank you for the lovely things you said about me and my mothering.
You know, when you’re told you’re horrible enough times …… you start to believe it.
So the kind and loving comments made me cry.
And still do.
I miss the person who always had my back …… who always made me feel wonderful, loved and supported.
Life is very different when that goes away.

So thank you again.
I appreciate your kindness.
More than I can say.
🙂

Grab A Tissue ……

10 Replies

…… or two, and don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I’m trying very, very hard to not cry while I type this, but I’m not succeeding too well.
It is what it is.

Tomorrow I’m hitching a ride back to Houston with Daughter #2, Little Bit, and her case worker. They’re taking Little Bit to go see his mother.
And while I know that D2 is at peace with this, I also know that the thought of this makes her stomach lurch a bit.

(These are the cutest booties ever!! I bought them at Target and hope he can wear them at Christmas.)

I won’t be there for the meeting …… Son #2 is meeting us beforehand to take me home. I wish I could be there for D2. I wish I could hold her hand or at least keep a hand on her back during this meeting.

But I can’t.
She’s an adult and this is her life. I can only watch from the outside, and help when I can. And when I’m allowed.

.
(This is Gracie, lying down with Little Bit.)

It’s been a very nice, very peaceful week. Little Bit and I have hung out pretty much non-stop every day, until “Mama” comes home from work and then needs a baby-fix.

This little boy is so very, very blessed.
As is she.

I’ve been watching her a lot this week. There have been a couple of times when we’ve banged heads a little. Not so much banged, as maybe clunked.
All I can do is suggest things, tell her what I’ve found that has worked. It’s up to her to either take that advice, or go her own way.
She tends to go her own way.
And while that can be very frustrating, it also makes me very proud of her.
She’s doing this her way.

And I have to tell you, she is the best mother I’ve ever seen.
Hands down.
I wish I could take credit for that, but I know I can’t.
I only wish that I had been half as good as she is.

(Little Bit’s wonderful tummy during bath time.)

In my opinion, the main reason that she’s so very good at this …… is that she knows, without a doubt, that she has this child for only a brief moment. So she loves the hell out of him.
She holds him, talks to him, spends all of her extra time with him.
The house be damned, the laundry be damned, outside activities be damned.

She’s right there. With him.
Loving him, talking to him, teaching him how to trust.

I am so very proud of her.
And I know that Jim is/would be just as proud.
It hurts to watch her alone.
I cry that he’s not here to experience this.
But it is what it is.

This baby will be with her for only 2 more months. Maybe three.
But no longer.

He will then go back to his mother. Where he should be.
That’s the goal …… to keep families together.
And it’s what D2 wants …… in her heart of hearts.
She knows the end will be painful.
She knows that it will hurt.
She knows that she’ll grieve for him.

But she also knows that she’ll rejoice for him and his mother.
She’ll be happy to put them back together.
And she’ll be proud of helping to start his life with the love and strength that his mother couldn’t.
She’ll know that she gave him what he needed to start his life on a positive track.

She is the most amazing person that I know.
She has been called to this life of taking care of other people’s children …… when they can’t. For as long as they need her.
And she’s been called to give them back …… no matter the circumstance, no matter how much time has gone by, no matter.

Too bad we all can’t mother the way that she does.
I don’t even do it now. I hold him as much as I can, but I also end up putting him down so that I can maybe do a load of laundry or clean up some dishes.
I try to get other things done …… rather than just holding him and relishing every single second.

I wish I could’ve been more like her.
She’s amazing.
She’s so full of love and patience and more love.
I hope I can be like her when I grow up.

(Gracie, loving on Little Bit.)

She’s an amazing woman.
I love her so very, very much.
And am blessed to call her my daughter.

I hope Jim feels the same way.

How in THE Hell ……

5 Replies

…… Did I Do This With Six??!!!

Seriously.
I realize that I was younger back then, but SIX?!
I must’ve been insane.

I’m in Waco this week, taking care of Little Bit at night so that Daughter #2 can get some much-needed sleep. I’m also watching him during the day. For no reason other than helping her out a bit and spending time with him.
He eats every three to four hours. Mostly three.
Throughout the day AND night.

Last night/this morning I got up at 1:30 and 5:30 to feed him.
And then got up at 2:30 and 6:30, because he’s only sleeping about an hour after a bottle. Then he wakes up and cries. I think he may have reflux.
And he’s dealing with constipation …… bless his tiny heart.
So. Much. Fun.

D #2 just got home from work.
I’m still in my pj’s.
Little Bit hasn’t napped longer than 30 or 40 minutes all day.
I managed to get the dishes done (without a dishwasher).
Although it took me two consecutive feedings to finish them.

I did not manage to get a shower.

OK, really …… SIX?!!!!!
I’m a walking zombie and it’s only Day One!!
Oh.
My.
Word.

But, I did manage to get him to smile and coo at me a few times today. He’s just starting that, so it doesn’t happen often yet.
But we’re working on it.

In other news, I have another new Little Bit, only she’s really Littlest Bit:

This is Gracie.
Gracie Lou Freebush.
I KNOW!!!!!
Isn’t she THE cutest thing ever?!!

I got her a couple of weeks ago when I was in Oklahoma.
She’s been my secret project.
I’ve been looking for a Teacup Yorkie breeder for a while, and did a search in the area of Okla that I was going to be in and Voila! I just happened to find one who had just posted Gracie (she named her Peyton — I changed it) the day before I searched.
So I picked her up that weekend and then we flew back to Texas.
And then to NY.
And then to Waco!
She’s only 8 weeks old and she’s already well-traveled.
🙂

Daughter #2 and #3 decided that she should have her own Instagram account, so they created it last night.
You can follow her here

She actually got me a little prepared for this week, since I get up with her twice during the night to let her relieve herself.
In a litter box.

Yep, I’m litter training her, which I discovered is a common thing, especially with small dogs and ESPECIALLY in New York (or any big city with high rise apartment buildings).
While I was researching the breed and how best to train them, I happened upon some articles about puppy litter boxes. It didn’t take more than a nano second to decide that was the way to go.
So far she’s doing pretty well. She’s not totally trained yet, but I’d say she uses the box about 80% of the time. Not too shabby for a baby.
🙂

She is as adorable as she looks, except for when she’s chewing on your fingers …… or toes.
She’s teething like a madman (do madmen teethe?) so she’s constantly looking for something to chew on.
We’re working on that.
And keeping all shoes some place high.
Well, “high” as in maybe 12 inches from the ground.

She weighs two pounds right now and will get to be around 5 when she’s fully grown.
A beast, I know.

She squeaks a lot, kind of like a guinea pig, which she may be more related to than any dog.
She just found out that she has a bark a few days ago.
She seemed very surprised at the time.
And then she thought she was all that and a bag of chips.
A bag of chips that could bark.

So we are over-flowing with cuteness around here.
Which makes the sleep deprivation easier to deal with.

I’m also dealing with either a badly strained/torn oblique muscle, or I’m slowly losing a kidney or appendix. The pain is intense and has been since last Wednesday. I must’ve done something during a barre class, but nothing hurt at the time. The pain came the next day, after I did some stretches. Nothing big, and again, I didn’t feel any pain at the time.
But I’ve felt it big time 24/7 since then.
Just another thing to add to the fun.
🙂

Speaking of that, it’s baby-crying time, so I’d better go assist.
Her baby …… not mine.
🙂

These Are the Last ……

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Janine Eggers

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Thank you for visiting my page. I have a passion to eradicate deaths due to aortic dissection. I think the best way to do this is to figure out how to test for this silent killer. Jim had a full physical, with a stress test, two weeks before he died, yet no one knew to look for the time bomb that would end his life in just 2 short weeks.
I get emotional when I think of other wives losing their husbands to this killer (and I have 4 friends who did). Please help us to find a test or even a cure for Aortic Dissection.
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I Love My Neighborhood ……

The FBI Rejected Me ……

2 Replies

…… well, not me so much as my fingerprints.
And OF COURSE they did.

In order to be able to take care of Little Bit, to be alone with him, I had to take a CPR/AED/FA course, which I did.
I had to have a background check.
Which I did.
(I think I passed. Haven’t heard otherwise, but ya know ……!)
I had to send in copies of my driver’s license and insurance.
Which I did.

And I had to get fingerprinted.
Which I did.
Twice now.

Because the FBI didn’t like my fingerprints.
The Department of Family Protective Services thought they were fine.
Dopey FBI.

So this morning I drove across town to get re-takes. Hopefully we’ll know in two or three days if the second time’s the charm.

The woman who took them this morning said that she’s only seen one person have to do them three times.
I have no doubt that I could be the second.
But I’ll think good thoughts and stay positive.
Dumb FBI.

So I went to OSU’s Homecoming last weekend.
Here’s where I have to take a moment to tell you that our Homecoming is the biggest one in the world.
Which really means in the United States, since no other country does Homecoming.
A moment of silence please …… for you to feel the awe and wonder.
I know.
It’s pretty thrilling.

Unfortunately, we didn’t win the football game. Which is only a side note of the entire week.
Yes, week. Not just a Homecoming Weekend.
We have a Homecoming Week.
And it’s a pretty big deal.
If you went to school there.

Needless to say, I had a great time.
In spite of the game.
Here’s how much of a side note it is: it was SO FREAKIN’ HOT, that Vicki and I didn’t stay for the whole game.
No kidding. We were beyond melting.
She had to be in a wheelchair so we had to sit in a wheelchair section.
That was kind of redundant, wasn’t it?

Anyway, we left early.
We didn’t stay for the 4th quarter.
We didn’t stay for the 3rd quarter.
Ummmm …… we also didn’t stay for the second quarter.
OK, I’ll cough it up (gross!) …… we stayed for about 15 minutes.
I know.
I’m hanging my head in shame.

OK, I’m totally not doing that.
Because we were MELTING, people!!
So I pushed out of the oven of a stadium, and we headed out for the Student Union, where we thought we could sit and watch the game on a big screen.
Chilling in some AC.
But somewhere between the stadium and the Student Union …… we decided that, in addition to air conditioning …… we needed alcohol.
I think Vicki was so hot that she was beginning to get a bit insane. She said something about air conditioning and getting drunk.
And I did not argue.
Because you don’t ever argue with an insane person.
Right?

So we abandoned the idea of the Student Union …… just as we approached it …… and headed back the way we came …… toward Eskimo Joe’s.
If you’ve never heard of Eskimo Joe’s, then all I can say is …… I’m sorry.
It’s a pretty big deal.
It’s a MUCH bigger deal now than it was when we went to school there. It was a dark hole-in-the-wall back in the day.
Now …… not so much.
Commercialism, anyone?

Anyway, we pushed our way in …… or rather, I pushed our way in …… and we found a tight little corner to squeeze into and we had a couple of margaritas while we watched the game, and attempted to lower our body temperatures.
Right after I picked up our second margaritas, Vicki remembered that she had possession of the car keys.
Whoop!!!
So we downed the drinks (or, we may or may not have poured them into a plastic water bottle for a “go cup”) and then I pushed our way back to the stadium to find the car.
We returned to our very, very cool hotel and we finished watching the game in my room.
Well, not so much as finished it, as got totally fed up with it and shut it off.
It’s hard to be a Cowboy some years.

But we had fun and I got to spend some time with Son #3, so all in all …… a great Homecoming.
In spite of sweating buckets.
Of sweat.
Yuck.
Sorry.

The crowd seems to grow every year!
See? I told you it was a big deal!

I don’t know where this kid got the balloon cowboy hat, but
it’s adorable!!!

This is Vicki, being pushed by her husband.
Pushed in a good way.

Sorority sisters. I love the love.
🙂

I just like this …… I saw it in a store.

This is Vicki’s family’s dog, Murphy.
He totally cracks me up. He thinks he’s human.

On Friday I’m heading back to NY.
Whooop!!!!
I’ll be seeing Hugh Jackman next week.
On Broadway.
In a play called, The River.
I know!!!!!

I have no idea what the play’s about.
I don’t do much research before I go see a play.
No. Strike that.
I don’t do any research before I go see a play.
I don’t want to get any pre-conceived notions …… or any opinions based on reviews.
I like to go in as a clean slate.
Which is pretty much what my brain seems to be much of the time these days.

So I’m looking forward to that.
Because …… hello!!! It’s HUGH!!!!

I saw him twice in “The Boy From Oz” back in 2004.
Back in my “before” life.
I wish I’d seen it another three or four times.
It, and he, was amazing.

I’ve also been working on a secret project.
And that’s all I’m going to say about that.
I’ll tell you about it before long.
But not now.
Because it’s a SECRET!!!

So that’s all for now.
I may write a post about a totally frivolous lawsuit that came our way last week.
But not tonight.
I’m trying to enjoy a stress-free evening.
In spite of really wanting to fly to Alabama and slap a couple of people.
Breathe ……

Namaste, Peeps.
🙂

Double Wow ……

1 Reply

…… I cried again.

But a good cry.
You guys blew me out of the water with all of the comments …… and support …… here and on FB.
I really didn’t know that more than a handful of people read this blog. I hoped that some widowed people had found me, but I figured it was only a few.
Wow ……

Thank you SO much for the comments.
Thank you for your very kind words.
Thank you for your anger.
And thank you for the love I felt.
Wow ……

A friend messaged me last night and let me know that I was not alone in receiving that kind of comment from that person.
I was sorry that she had endured that, but I was also glad that it wasn’t just me.
And then I felt sad.

I’m sad for the person who I thought was a friend. Not a close friend, but a friend anyway.
I’m sad that something is going on in her life that causes her to try to hurt people, and cloaking it in “God”.
God doesn’t need a cloak.

I’m sad for her.
All I can do is pray for her …… and ask you to do the same.
And that’s all I’m going to say about that …… from here on out.

Yesterday was a big theatre day for me.
And a busy day.

My friend J and I walked to our book club meeting. The hostess lives about an hour from us, over by the U.N.
I love walking here. No matter how many blocks/miles.
But I don’t enjoy the humidity.
Yes, you’d think I’d be used to humidity since I happen to spend most of my life in one of the most humid places on earth …… south Texas.
But in Texas, we don’t walk everywhere we go.
That would just be insane.

And it’s October for cryin’ out loud!! It’s supposed to feel like fall up here!
By the time we got to the apartment, we were both pretty drenched.
And not from rain.
Ugh.

But we had a great meeting and a really good discussion about the book.
And I learned that …… if I cram the reading of a book in a little over 24 hours …… I remember it well enough to join in the discussion …… and know what I’m talking about!!
Who’d a thunk?!

BTW, the book is The Museum of Extraordinary Things, by Alice Hoffman. It’s good. It’s weird. But good.

After that J and I decided to walk to the theatre to see if we could get tickets to see “The Country House”, with Blythe Danner.
And we did!!!

It was very good.

We also walked past the library,

and by Bryant Park, where they’re already putting up the skating rink!

After the play I sat in Times Square, soaking up the people, the fun and the weirdness.

Then I met my friend B at Carmine’s for dinner.
And a blood orange margarita.

Yes, they were as good as they look.
Don’t be jealous.

After dinner we went to see “Pippin”. And I enjoyed it as much as the first time I saw it.

And the really cool thing, for me, was that this lady was in it!

I know you can’t really tell who that is, so I’ll tell you.
Cuz I’m nice like that.
It’s Lucie Arnaz.
You know, the daughter of Lucille Ball.

She happened to star in the very first Broadway show I saw …… “They’re Playing Our Song”.
And I LOVED that show. I still have the album.
And still listen to it.

After the play they held a Talk Back, which is when people from the show (producers, directors, actors, etc) hang out to discuss the show and answer questions. I love it when a Talk Back is included. The person who chatted with us was Stephen Schwartz, the composer and lyricist of “Pippin”. Forty years ago.
Wow ……

This theatre (Music Box Theatre) happens to be on a street with a ton of wonderful shows.

I’m heading back to TX on Sunday, which is why I’ve seen so many shows this week. I try to cram them in when I’m getting ready to leave.

I’ll be back in a couple of weeks, but only for a week.
But I’ll be back in December …… I bought a one way ticket.
Double wow ……
🙂

Wow ……

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…… that’s all.
Just …… wow.

When last I left you, I had seen Sting in the Park.
Question: And yes, I know I could Google this, but what is his real name? Does it say “Sting” on his birth certificate, because if so …… bad parenting anyone?

Yesterday and today I read a book.
Seriously.
Book club is tomorrow afternoon.
Never let it be said that I don’t get things done …… when I want to.

I’ve also been to some barre classes and on some more walks through the Park.
Fall has not yet graced us with its presence, but it’ll be here soon. I hope.
The weather hasn’t been cold enough to turn the leaves yet, but I did happen upon two beautiful trees.

Tonight I went to see this play:

The cast changes every 6 weeks. Right now it stars Carol Burnett and Brian Dennehy.
People who know me well, know that I have loved Carol Burnett since I was much younger than I am now. Much.
When I think of her, I think of home.
I think of growing up, watching her show every Saturday night, while my mom put rollers in my hair for church the next morning.
I have memories of high school, and college, and continuing to admire, respect and love her talent.

She came to Houston to do an evening of Q & A. Jim took me to see her. She showed a video that contained a lot of clips from her show. I found myself crying during that video. I’m not sure why, except for the memories it brought, and the feeling of home.
Jim died later that year.
Wow ……

So anyway, I loved watching her tonight.
I went to the stage door afterwards, mainly because I was walking that way and there was room for me right at the very front.
I hoped she would come out. And just the thought of her doing that, made me teary. I knew that if she walked through that door, only a few feet from me, I’d be blubbering all over her.
So it’s probably a good thing that she didn’t.
But Brian Dennehy did.

Wow ……

And just in case you’re planning a trip up here between now and mid-February …… here’s the other casts coming up:

Yep. Wow ……

Yesterday I awoke to find a text from a friend on my phone.
She wrote that she was very upset over a comment someone made on my FB wall.
I obviously hadn’t seen FB yet, so I opened up my computer and went to the site.
Wow ……

Something less than a firestorm had been unleashed.
By a “friend”.
All because I posted the night before that, as I was updating my children with pictures of a certain baby, I started missing Jim. A lot.
That’s it. That’s all I said.

Here’s what she said:
“With all my love and obeying the voice of the Lord. I want to tell you Janine your time of mourning is over. It is time to enjoy the life God gave you. It is time to renounce to self pity party. The Lord is not done with you jet. You got to finish the race but rejoicing on the Lord. This life is precious and temporary. Forgive yourself, forgive God! Jim is in Heaven with our Heavey Father and you know that you will reunite with him. God is more important than any person! It is time to put things in order. The word of God saysocevthe Lord your God above anything else, no your husband, no your children.
The Lord is your Husband!!!!”

She also quoted the verses from Ecclesiastes …… there’s a time for everything. Some of them say this: (I’m not quoting exactly, just giving highlights)
A time to be born, a time to die, a time to weep, a time to laugh, a time to mourn, a time to dance.

This “friend”, whose husband is very much alive, who has no idea what it is to grieve for the loss of half of your heart, for your future, for your children’s grief …… told me that my mourning is over.
Wow ……

And here I thought I was moving forward with my life, moving to a new place, enjoying the life I have, making the most of the days I have, etc.
I thought it seemed pretty evident that I am no longer “in mourning”.
Heck, I don’t even wear black that often …… even in New York!!

I have about 30 minutes of feeling sad and missing Jim, and I’m told it’s a pity party.
Wow ……

But do I still grieve? You bet.
Do I lay in bed and grieve and cry and spend a day in grief? I do not.
Not in a very long time.
Grieving and mourning are two different things, in my mind anyway.

Grief will always be with me, back in a corner of my mind, and my heart.
There will always be a thought, a word, a picture …… an event …… that will cause me to miss him …… and bring tears to my eyes.
Always.
And I’m ok with that.
I will never stop loving Jim.
Even if I’m blessed to have another love.
God came, and will continue to come, first in my life.
Jim was second.
The kids were third.
And we were all good with that.
Now the kids are second.
And will most likely remain second for a very long time.
And I’m good with that.

After the shock of reading that post, I briefly felt anger.
But then anger was replaced with something like pity.
I feel sorry for anyone who hasn’t experienced a love so deep, so strong, so …… forever.
I feel sorry for anyone who thinks they are the voice of God. That’s a lot of power to mis-use.
I can’t even fathom speaking for God.
Judging for God.
Wow ……

For those of you who read this blog …… and are widowed …… I pray that no one ever, EVER says those things to you.
You will grieve as long as you will grieve.
You will move forward at your own pace.
You will do things in your own time.
No one should judge you for how you grieve.
NO.
ONE.
Especially someone who has no idea.

Never let someone tell you that you’re doing it wrong.
Never let someone make you feel bad, or wrong, or crazy because of how you grieve.
Never.

But if that ever does happen, please know that you can come here.
You can email me, message me, call me.
I’ll be here.

You are not alone.
It will get easier.
Hope matters.
You will love life again.
Wow ……
🙂

Little Bit ……

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…… and Laws.

Since Ashley so kindly asked for more of Little Bit, I figured I should write a post about that. And him.

First of all, he’s still amazing. He made the flight to Oregon with nary a peep.
If you don’t count the diaper blow out on the way.
Which just makes me smile because I wonder how many of those nasty things I had to deal with over the past almost-(GULP!)- 30 years?
You know the ones …… everything slides right up the back, and/or out the leg holes.
So.
Much.
Fun.

We bought him a little tuxedo onesie to wear to the wedding today, so I’m hoping to get a really cute pic soon.

Now about those pics …… we are prohibited by law from publishing his name and his picture. Or anything else personal about him.
Thus …… no pictures since I left.

I’m hoping to figure out how to edit some newer ones so that I can post them.
Now, if I know you personally then I can show you pictures of this amazingly cute baby. But other than that, I’m sorry.
And really, it’s totally killing me to not be able to show you how ever-lovin’-cute he is!!!!!

There are a few other things that are required of me, other than not publishing pictures.
Today I went to a CPR/AED/FA class.
This is so that the foster system will trust me to stay with him, but only for up to 72 hours. After that, he gets snatched away and taken to people who’ve taken training to provide “respite” care.
Needless to say, Daughter #2 isn’t going anywhere more than 72 hours away.

OK, I just had to stop and squeal quite loudly.
That’s because D2 just sent me a pic of him in the tux/onesie.
I can NOT stand the cuteness!!!!

OK, where was I?
Ahh, yes ….. requirements to hang with foster kids.
The CPR course.

So I perused the internet to find just the right class.
And I did.
Or so I thought.
It was called FUN CPR!
Now you know me …… give me a choice between regular and fun, and I’m going to choose FUN every time.

So I walked to this office/Asian church/Asian funeral home and got there before 10:00. (The email said that the doors would be locked promptly at 10:00).
WHATEVER!!!
There were Asian people, dressed in black, coming and going and mostly meeting in one room for a service.
Then there were four of us who weren’t Asian, who were waiting for the FUN CPR class to start.
We waited for an hour. No word at all from the teacher. The receptionist said he’d never been that late and wasn’t it just too bad that she didn’t have his cell number?
REALLY?!!

One of the four found another teacher near by and called him. Surprise, surprise ….. his students had not shown up this morning. No, he wasn’t ours and we weren’t his, it was just plain serendipity.
So we walked over to his office and took the class. And he ended up being hilarious.
I passed.
🙂

So far, my fingerprints and my background check have turned up nothing ……. in this country anyway. ;-p

I’ll see if I can edit some pics of him for you.

Until then, here are some pictures of Matthew Broderick and Rupert Grint (Ron Weasley in Harry Potter), Megan Mullally, Stockard Channing and F. Murray Abraham from the play last night.
I have to admit that the last several pictures were taken under the cover of darkness and sneakiness. But they were soooo close that I just HAD to!!!

And you’re welcome.

Hopefully one of you can come bail me out some day.
Wherever I end up.

🙂

This is Stacey Keach, who was sitting a few seats from me at “You Can’t Take It With You” with James Earl Jones.