…… you name it, it’s been swirling through my brain every single night lately. Every. Single. Night. I twist and turn and turn and twist. My body feels like …… …
Thoughts, Emotions, Fears, Doubts ……
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Thoughts, Emotions, Fears, Doubts ……
…… you name it, it’s been swirling through my brain every single night lately.
Every.
Single.
Night.
I twist and turn and turn and twist.
My body feels like …… I don’t know how to explain it other than it feels like I’m jumping out of my skin.
Each day I wake up earlier than the day before.
This morning it was at 2:58.
A.M.
The thoughts?
Sadness due to death …… again.
Feeling overwhelmed.
Actually, that makes me laugh.
I am so BEYOND overwhelmed that I have no words for it.
Houses to buy.
Houses to sell that no one’s looking at.
Mortgages.
HOA dues.
Taxes.
Stay in NY?
Leave NY?
Fighting with internet companies.
Yes, I still have no internet in my apartment.
Calling new utility companies to begin service.
Getting things in order for a closing tomorrow.
Trying to find a moving company.
Wondering what the hell I’m doing.
Missing Jim too much for words.
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.
My stepmother died yesterday.
The person I wanted, I needed, to turn to, to be held by while I cried …… is the person I want most in the world.
The person who’s not here.
And never will be here.
Instead, I sat alone in my house.
You know, the usual.
And cried.
With no one.
As usual.
God, that sucks so much.
A few weeks ago, while I was at home in Texas, I went out to dinner with a friend.
As I walked through the restaurant I saw a sweet friend I hadn’t seen in a long time.
She had seen “Fixer Upper” and we talked about that for a bit. She said that she heard I was moving to Waco.
Then she said, “When they decide when they’re throwing you a goodbye party, please tell them to include me.”
I stopped for a moment, not able to say anything.
And then I just kind of stammered, “Ummmm, there won’t be a party.”
To which she replied, “Oh, don’t be silly, of course there’ll be a party! And I want to be there!”
But …… there really won’t be a party.
Probably for many reasons.
I don’t have that many friends left.
No one would think to do that.
I’ve been slowly moving away from there since I first went to NY.
But even before then, the friends had faded away.
Mostly.
My moving to Waco won’t even be a blip on the radar in Kingwood.
And I’m not writing that in a “woe is me” kind of way.
It is what it is.
For several reasons.
There’s no one to blame.
Unless it’s me.
But I won’t take all of it.
Life has moved forward.
And I don’t think I’ve been the widow that many would’ve liked me to be.
For whatever that’s worth.
Hell, I haven’t always been the widow I would’ve liked me to be.
Too bad there’s not a book that leads you through the loss of the most important person in your life.
Step by step.
It’s scary how fast and how much your life can change in such a short time.
How you can go from being surrounded by too many friends to count, a great and loving family …… to being mostly alone all of the time, no matter where you are.
For me, it’s much easier to be alone in a city where I don’t really know anyone, than being alone in a place where I used to have hundreds of friends.
Which makes it easier to leave and move to Waco.
The number one reason to move there is to be closer to the kids.
And the grandkid.
And now the parents.
And some extended family.
And …… Waco’s becoming kind of cool.
Who would’ve thunk?
Tonight I’ll be prepared when I go to bed.
Instead of getting out of bed at 3:00 a.m. to find my diffuser and natural oils (thank you, Beth) …… I’ll get them going before I go to bed.
Because they helped.
Although I can’t say if it was that …… or the Xanax I swallowed at 3:01 a.m.
I’m sure it was both.
All I know is that I need one really good night’s sleep.
Six to eight hours without waking up in a panic, thinking of all of the things I need to get done, am responsible for, haven’t done right, have to do alone, wish I’d done differently, need to add to my list, need to remove from my list, need to re-do, etc.
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.
Maybe now that I’ve put this out in the universe, my mind will be free of its clutter.
I’m trying to not laugh so hard that I can’t type.
But I can always hope.
And I can especially hope that I’m not the only widow/person who’s felt this way.
Hopefully.
Holy Moley ……
…… sometimes life just sneaks up and bites you once in awhile to make sure you’re still ticking.
Or at least that’s how it feels.
To me.
Sometimes.
To be honest, it’s just “first world” problems. Which means that I really shouldn’t be complaining.
But this happens to be my blog so there you go.
I am on day six (6) of having no internet or cable. That’s because I have (had) Verizon. Which broke last Wednesday.
That would be the same day that their repairmen/repair people went on strike.
Don’t you just love it?
Verizon and I parted ways last night, much to the dismay of the poor foreign man on the phone.
I really didn’t leave him any room to negotiate. I told him that he had to either send me the boxes to put their equipment in so that I could send it back …… or I would throw it out of my window.
He totally gave in at that point.
If you live in a house full of people, you can’t possibly understand how isolating it is to have no tv.
No news.
No weather.
No company.
Nothing.
It’s down right depressing.
Last night I decided to take the bull by the horns (so to speak) and went next door to Best Buy and bought a TV antenna.
After hooking it up I decided to become a rebel/cord cutter.
Which makes me feel free and kind of scared all at the same time.
I mean, I’ve grown to love having a DVR.
And the ability to watch whatever I want to watch whenever I want to watch it.
But I’ve gone off the grid.
And am going to attempt to live with free TV channels, even if that means I can’t always get NBC and CBS (because I can’t, for some odd reason).
I still don’t have internet but am hoping that will be resolved soon with another provider.
Thankfully I can go up to the top floor of my building and use the free internet there.
As long as I can stand the heat.
For some strange reason (money, maybe?), they’re not turning the AC on up there yet.
Even though the temps were in the low 80’s this afternoon.
Which makes a floor totally surrounded by glass a bit on the warm side.
But there I go again …… complaining about first world problems.
Other than that, NY has been great.
I’ve seen a few shows, hung out in the Park with Gracie, spent time with friends, and done a couple of volunteer shifts at the theatre.
I’ve also spent an unholy amount of time waiting in my apartment for Verizon people to not show up, but I won’t go there.
Totally.
But boy, did that suck.
And then there was tonight.
I was cooking one of my Blue Apron meals, which I just received for the first time on Friday.
I had to bake chicken and mushrooms at a rather high temp (in my opinion …. 475).
It wasn’t long before my smoke alarm went off.
Wonderful.
But then it stopped.
And went off again.
And stopped.
I opened the windows (the stove vent was already on full blast) to try to alleviate the problem.
I’m not sure how much time passed before I noticed something …… the smoke alarm on my floor was going off.
I opened my door to check it out and saw a couple of people down the hall, looking like they were trying to make sense of what was going on.
And trying to decide if they should flee the building.
I shut my door.
About 20 minutes later (with the alarm going off that entire time) there was a knock at my door.
One of the maintenance men was checking to make sure I hadn’t been burned to a crisp.
Although it’s kind of funny that he evidently wasn’t in that much of a hurry to check on that.
He seemed to know that I’d been “cooking”. He asked if I was alright. I thought about pausing for a moment to look myself up and down before I answered, but I didn’t.
I told him that I was fine. And that the apartment was fine.
Which he then relayed to the people standing out in the hall.
Which now means that I will have to check the hallway before I leave my apartment.
Because I’m totally embarrassed to be seen by any of those people who stood out in the hall for 20 minutes, wondering if they should flee the building.
There you go.
Life in the big city.
First world problems.
Kind of stupid and very silly on the grand scheme of things.
But totally stressful and very embarrassing when you’re right in the middle of them.
Two things are apparent because of all of this:
1. I am a rebel (duh!)
And …
2. I still (really) hate to cook.
Even with Blue Apron.
I Really Am Happy ……
…… but it’s always a happiness tinged with some sadness.
Always.
I certainly don’t choose to have that sadness there.
I don’t invite it in.
I don’t even think about it sometimes.
It just appears.
I leave for NY tomorrow morning.
And I’m more than ready to get back there.
And not only because I’m going to be in the audience (AND the after party!) of SNL Saturday night (WHOOP!!!).
But I’ve been away too long.
It’s time to go back.
Even if it’s only for a couple of weeks.
I close on the Waco house at the end of this month.
I’m excited about that house.
I look forward to living in it.
But yet ……
There’s sadness.
I love my Kingwood house.
I haven’t lived in it as long as I thought I would.
It’s a great house.
I’ll miss it.
I’ve lived in Kingwood for almost 25 years.
Almost eight and half years without Jim.
It’s time to leave.
Which makes me happy …… and yet makes me sad.
So many mixed feelings.
I miss him.
Still.
Always.
Forever.
Life moves forward.
In spite of him not being here.
Things change.
Homes are sold.
Houses are bought.
Children grow up.
They get married.
They have children.
In spite of him not being here.
Happiness tinged with sadness.
Always.
In other news …… kind of …… I received a check in the mail a couple of days ago.
It was for $5,000.00. From the people who bought the lake house.
Surprise, surprise.
And since they sent it …… I guess I won’t publish their names here.
Sorry.
You know I’d love to.
But I’m taking the high road.
🙂
So I’ll see you from New York.
Be sure to watch SNL Saturday night.
Not because you’ll see me in the audience.
But so we can exchange notes afterwards.
And so you can find out if I stayed awake to join the after party at 1:00 a.m.
Care to place a bet?
Shifting Sands and Mingled Feelings ……
…… best describes my life right now.
The wedding was amazing. It was beautiful and perfect. It was exactly what Daughter #3 wanted and what she planned. No kidding, it went off without a single hitch.
Well …… if you don’t count the fact that we thought Kleinfeld’s didn’t deliver the veil. But that was only for a brief moment in time (about 2 hours) and we found it so …… whew!
But other than that …… it was wonderful.
And painful.
Which brings us to mingled feelings.
I was so thrilled for Daughter #3. And Son #4.
And I loved every moment of being there with all of my children.
And Little Man.
And my family and friends.
Plus the weather was A.Maze.Ing!
(Please note that I included the silent e, so that you would know the word was pronounced “maze” and not “maz”, but I know that it’s not there in the actual word “amazing”. That’s for all of you grammar nazis. Of which I am one.)
Anyway, we couldn’t have asked for a more beautiful day for a wedding, let alone for an outdoor wedding.
I even managed to find a dress at the last minute that I actually liked. And I found a woman who could hem it at the ultra last minute. And she only charged me $10.
So there was that.
I felt really good the day of the wedding. I did’t feel emotional, I felt happy and excited.
And very blessed.
The wedding was at 5:00 and as two of my three sons walked me down the aisle, I still felt happy.
And then the pastor began the service.
Thankfully, before he got too far into it, I had a part to play, as did the mother of the groom.
We each got up in front and read a verse our children had chosen to be included in their wedding.
My verse was Song of Songs (aka Song of Solomon) 8:7.
Which just so happens to be the verse from Jim’s and my wedding.
And which also just so happens to be engraved on my left wrist.
“Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away. If one were to give all the wealth of one’s house for love, it would be utterly scorned.”
I think Daughter #3 doubted that I’d make it through the reading without breaking down.
I told her that I’d be fine.
And I was.
100%.
I didn’t even trip walking from or back to my seat.
Props for me.
I was still doing well.
And then the age old wedding theme was introduced.
You know, that whole, “till death do us part” thing.
Not exactly those words, but you know what I mean.
The pastor joked about the two of them, being old one day and sitting in rockers on their front porch, remembering their wedding.
And I lost it.
Because …… well, because.
It would be wonderful if we all got to become old and sit on the porch with our most-loved person.
But there you go.
Fortunately Son #2 was sitting next to me and he either had his arm around me securely, or he held my hand tightly for the entire ceremony.
Especially during the vows.
Where again that “till death” subject popped up.
I love my sons.
And I love how they want to protect me.
Even when they can’t.
So my feelings of happiness mingled with my tears.
Tears of grief for Jim’s huge absence.
Tears of fear that Daughter #3 may one day feel what I’ve felt.
Tears of desperation as I prayed over and over, “Please let him live a very, very long time.”
Tears.
My heart was full and yet breaking at the same time.
Happiness and grief.
Love and loss.
Joy and fear.
But all of the happiness, love and joy lasted longer than the feelings of grief, loss and fear.
As soon as they were pronounced husband and wife and turned to show us the joy on their faces, I felt nothing but love and joy for them.
The rest of the night was a blast.
The food was fabulous, the dancing was fun and everyone celebrated love.
Which was the whole reason we were there.
God’s love for us.
Jim’s love for me.
My love for him.
That’s what began all of this.
Love.
Pure and simple.
And wonderful.
Forever and ever.
Love not only brought about mingled feelings, but it’s brought about shifting sands.
I’ve been house hunting in Waco for a couple of months now.
I want to be closer to my children.
Five out of six (or rather …… six out of seven) live much closer to Waco than to Houston.
And then there’s Little Man.
And the future foster children of Daughter #2.
I want to live closer to him …… to them.
I want to be able to help Daughter #2 as she moves further into motherhood.
So I was thrilled last week to walk into the house of my dreams.
A house 15 minutes from her and Little Man.
A house I wasn’t even looking for, or so I thought.
It was completely different from everything else I had seen.
In fact, it wasn’t even on the market.
And now it’s mine.
Or it will be …… in about 30 days.
My Houston house is on the market.
I will miss it, to be sure.
But not enough to stay.
I will miss the community I’ve lived in for almost 25 years, without a doubt.
But not enough to keep me here.
I will love this place and the friends we made here …… for the rest of my life.
I will treasure most of the memories from here in my heart forever.
And I’ll come back to visit.
After all, it’s only a three hour drive.
Which hopefully will never be anything like a certain infamous “three hour cruise”.
I mean, we do have cell phones now.
Real ones …… not made of coconuts.
So yeah.
It’s been an eventful month or so.
Mingled feelings.
Shifting sands.
Wonderful memories.
Hope for a fun future.
With plans for more wonderful memories.
And love.
Lots and lots of love.
And blessings beyond measure.
P.S. I’m keeping my apartment in NY.
I’m not crazy you know.
Waco will definitely need to be balanced out by NY.
Or I will go crazy.
100%.
🙂
P.P.S. All of the fabulous wedding pictures posted from this wedding were taken by Angela King in Austin. I cannot recommend her highly enough. You’ll find her web site here.
“The Best Laid Plans ……
of mice and men often go awry.”
I have no idea why that quote talks about the plans of mice. I mean, really?? Who knows what the plans of mice are?
And technically, I’m not a man, but boy, did my plans go awry yesterday.
It was the day I was closing on our lake house.
The place that Jim loved the most.
The place where we spent his final days, though we had no idea they were to be his last.
The place where the kids and I spread the last of his ashes.
The place I thought we’d keep forever.
The place where I thought our children would come to share holidays with their children.
The place that became none of that after he died.
I knew that this closing could be a mine field of emotions, but I planned to be very stoic. I planned to get through this day without any emotions.
Without any tears.
But the best laid plans ……
Our original closing date was to be on March 17th.
Next week.
But last week the buyers informed me that they wanted to close a week early, on the 11th.
They suddenly had plans to go out of the country on March 14th, and wouldn’t be back until the 21st.
So they wanted to move the closing up and they wanted to do a walk through early that afternoon and told us to make sure that NOTHING was left behind …… in the house or on the property.
They thought that I would be thrilled with this plan.
They thought they were doing me a favor.
And boy, were they wrong.
My parents have been living in the lake house.
They had arranged a moving company to load up all of their stuff …… on the 11th.
There was no way in hell that the house would be ready for the buyers’ walk through.
So I told them no.
We couldn’t move the closing up an entire week, just to fit their travel arrangements.
And I told them that I was angry that they decided to move things up, and expected us to have the house empty a week early.
I told them that their plans did not fit with our schedule.
And that I was also irritated that they now wouldn’t be closing on the house on the day that they gave me, but instead we’d have to do it over a week later.
They apologized for causing me any stress and said that they would like to close on the 11th, but would totally understand that the house wouldn’t be empty for their walk through. They said that they understood that we’d still be knee-deep in moving out.
They lied.
I drove to the lake yesterday to close on the house.
My parents were still packing and the movers had come and gone.
The movers also miscalculated the size of the truck they would need.
So they couldn’t pack everything into the truck that they brought.
Which meant that my parents had to rent a U-Haul and pack much of the things on their own.
I went to the closing, knowing that the house wasn’t empty, but also knowing that they buyers had said that would be ok.
I signed all of the papers.
I did everything I was supposed to do.
Then I went to the house and took a few last pictures.
My agent and I were getting ready to head back home when the buyers’ agent called her.
And told her that the closing was off.
They buyers had done the walk through and were pissed off that the house wasn’t empty.
They didn’t want to close now.
Unless I agreed to sign a lease back to them for one day, guaranteeing them that the house would be empty after that one day.
That phone call changed all of my plans.
Suddenly, the selling of this house felt painful.
Much more painful than it had to be.
And the tears started to flow.
This was not the plan.
We were supposed to keep this house for many, many years.
I was not supposed to have to sell it on my own.
And I was not supposed to have to deal with a couple of asses on my own.
But there you go.
So we drove back to the title company to make the closing happen.
And this couple …… this couple who professed to be kind and understanding and supportive a week earlier (as well as to my mom during the walk through) …… were anything but.
They demanded that I put up a deposit of $5,000 in case the property wasn’t emptied to their liking.
This was what it would take to make them feel “comfortable” enough to do the deal.
My agent said that we wouldn’t agree to that high of a deposit. And their agent said that maybe if I talked to them and assured them that the house would be emptied, they’d feel more comfortable.
By this time I couldn’t stop the tears.
I didn’t want to talk to these people.
I just wanted to go home.
But I went in to face them and to try to assure them that they had nothing to worry about.
I also tried to tell them why this was so emotional for me.
They couldn’t have cared less.
The wife had a stupid grin plastered on her face the entire time I spoke to them.
I wanted to slap her.
They didn’t care that this was emotional for me.
That this was a home my husband loved and that I wished we’d never had to sell.
They were not the “Christians” that they purported to be.
They were heartless and very, very cold.
They said that they thought they were doing ME a favor by closing a week early.
They said that most sellers would be thrilled with an earlier closing date.
That most sellers would say, “Thank God!!” that the closing date was moved up.
They seemed to think that I owed them.
They wanted the house emptied, and they wanted it emptied yesterday.And they demanded that I give them the $5,000 deposit. Or they would walk.
I wanted to be the one that walked.
I wanted to tell them what they could do with their demands …… and their plans to buy my house.
But in the end, that didn’t make sense.
And so I signed their stupid lease agreement.
All the while blaming Jim for putting me in this situation.
Even though that didn’t make sense.
It is what it is.
I hate that couple.
I wanted to like them and wish them well with their four children in our home.
I wanted this to go so much differently than it did.
I didn’t plan to cry.
But there you go.
The best laid plans ……
I spent most of the day today working at that house, helping my parents pack up the rest of their stuff.
I worked my butt off cleaning out everything, in a couple of sheds, the garage and the house.
I am beyond tired.
And sore.
But it is done.
We’ll see if they give my back my $5,000.
I don’t have high hopes.
And I won’t know for a month.
I planned for this to go differently.
This house was the last thing I had that Jim and I shared.
It was the last thing I had of my “before” life.
It could have gone so much better.
That’s what I planned, anyway.
The best laid plans ……
Sometimes really suck.
Wedding and “Fixer Upper”……
…… news.
Well, not so much wedding news.
I’ll write a post about it …… as soon as I spend some time thinking about it and what I want to say.
For now I’ll just say this …… it was beyond beautiful.
And Daughter #3 was breathtaking.
I’ll leave you with a few pictures before I end the post.
In other news …… Daughter #2 will be on the HGTV show, “Fixer Upper”, next Tuesday, March 15th. I think that it airs at 8:00 Central, 9:00 Eastern, but you might want to double check your area to make sure.
We are beyond excited!
Here’s a link to what HGTV has to say about it:
http://www.hgtv.com/shows/fixer-upper/episodes/single-foster-mom-finds-fixer-for-future-family
So there you go.
It’s really too much excitement for one blog post.
So I’ll have to write another soon.
Hopefully.
Until then …… here are some pictures from the wedding.
Enjoy.
❤
Little Man and I were in the room with her. He decided to pick up her train and then started following her around the room. Thankfully, I managed to get a few (like 10!) pictures. TANW for how this makes me heart feel.
These next two pictures were taken by her wonderful and amazing photographer, Angela King (https://www.facebook.com/AngelaKingPhoto/?pnref=story.unseen-section). As you can see … she’s a very talented photographer.
I like to think that this represents Jim, shining down on them. ❤
Waco and Weddings and Little Man ……
…… oh, my!
I’ve been in Waco for a week now and have been having a blast with Little Man. Last week Daughter #2 went to a conference for a couple of days so he and I had lots of together time.
Especially in the middle of the night.
Oh my.
Little Man has been teething …… to the max.
He’s had several teeth come in in just a week.
It would seem that they all break through in the wee hours of the morning.
But hopefully, we’re past the worst part.
At least for now.
He’s slept through the night the past couple of nights.
Thank you, God.
I’m finding out that grandparents are way too old to get up multiple times during the night and still be able to function the next day.
Which means that both Little Man and I were glad to see Daughter #2 when she returned.
This is his favorite spot in the kitchen.
Well, other than his high chair.
I brought this bear with me on this trip. It was Daughter #2’s bear when she was a baby. One of my sorority sisters made it for her.
He totally loves it.
Totally.
The weather has been so nice that we’ve spent time outside, playing with a water table.
His curls are delicious, are they not? 🙂
This past weekend we took him to the Farmer’s Market and to the Waco zoo. The weather was wonderful for both and we all had a great time.
He enjoyed his first “train” ride at the market (if you don’t count the NY subway).
They’re in the yellow train car.
Little Man LOVES the aquarium part of the zoo.
I was struck by the flexibility of this giraffe.
Then she decided to go lie down ……
…… to eat.
Gotta love a woman with a goal.
Then there was this.
A rhino who’s horn has grown out straight and is so long that it appears she can’t lift her head.
Word is that she’s so irritable that the zoo keepers can’t get near her to trim her horn down.
Which probably describes me perfectly at the age of 80.
This orangutan was just sitting at the fence when we walked up …… and then he evidently decided that it was time to show off.
And so he did. He traversed down the fence like this. I got it on video.
All in all, we had a great day at the zoo.
I’ve been doing some house hunting here. I’ve found two houses that I like a lot. But I want to at least get an offer on my current home before I put one on another one.
I know. Call me crazy.
Gracie Lou has been having a blast hanging out with my friend N and her hubby and dog. I think she’s really going to miss having a built in playmate when I bring her home. N has been sweet enough to send me daily pics.
Oh my word, I miss this face.
Daughter #1 flew into Austin today. She and Daughter #3 will be driving to Waco tomorrow to attend the Bachelorette party tomorrow night. Little Man and I will be hanging out together while the ladies go out and have fun and debauchery.
In reality, there will be much more fun than debauchery.
On Friday we’ll all head to Austin to start the wedding festivities.
That’s all for now. I doubt that I’ll have much time to write again until after the wedding. I appreciate all of the comments, love, good thoughts and prayers that you’re all sending. Please keep them coming.
Saturday is going to be an awesome day.
❤
Mixed Blessings ……
…… equal mixed emotions.
Last week I went through all of our stuff at the lake. Much of Jim’s clothes were still there …… where he left them.
It was sad to be parting with them, but it was also a relief to be parting with that house.
Mostly.
I walked down to the lake one late afternoon. It was very peaceful and the water was calm. Very calm.
That water usually made me feel calm.
That day was no different.
I can “feel” Jim there, down by the water.
It’s not that I believe he’s there. I don’t know what I believe about that anymore.
But I think it’s because it’s a place he loved so very much.
It’s hard to give that up.
And yet it’s not.
Confusing?
Welcome to my world.
Today I’m driving to Waco to be on Gigi duty while Daughter #2 goes to a conference.
I just saw her, Little Man and Daughter #3 this past weekend for a few hours. They drove down for a bridal shower some very dear friends hosted.
It had been less than a week since I’d seen him.
TANW* for how warm my heart felt when I looked into the car, he saw me and his face lit up.
It was the first time he really recognized me right away and wanted to come to me immediately.
No words.
Yesterday I had my annual meeting with my financial guy.
I know that I am beyond blessed to be able to have these meetings.
I know that Jim is still taking care of me long after he’s gone.
I also know why I cry every single year on the way to that meeting.
I’d rather have him.
And not money because he’s dead.
Mixed blessings.
I have several dresses to choose from for Daughter #3’s wedding. Which is in 10 days.
I’m not thrilled about any of them, though at this point in my life I’m not sure a dress exists that I’d be happy wearing.
Unless I don’t look in the mirror.
Which, now that I think about it, may be the best way to handle this.
Hmmmm …… I think I like that.
I’ll keep you posted.
I’m looking forward to seeing friends and family whom I haven’t seen in a long time.
I can’t wait to have all of the kids together in one place.
All seven of us.
I wish there were eight.
I’m excited for Daughter #3.
I hope that day is nothing but fun for her and Son #4.
I hope there is so much joy around them that it’s palpable.
And I hope the love they have for each other continues to grow, deepen and mature for many, many, many years.
Many.
Gracie is sleeping on my lap as I write this.
A friend is coming to pick her up in an hour or so.
I won’t see her until after the wedding.
This is the longest period of time that she’ll be away from me and though I know this sounds stupid beyond belief …… I feel so sad about being without her for that long.
I know she’s just a dog, but she’s been my near constant companion for almost a year and a half.
She’s loved me through good days, sad days, fun days and frustrating days.
She doesn’t expect anything from me.
She just loves me.
Pure and simple.
Not much in life is pure and simple.
Love can be pure, but it’s rarely simple.
Blessings feel pure. Not always simple.
Emotions are often pure and hardly ever simple.
I hope that I can keep mine in check.
Amidst all of the love, the blessings and the joy.
I’ll definitely be leaning on God in 10 days.
And relying on the prayers of friends and loved ones.
Mixed blessings.
Mixed emotions.
But steadfast, pure love.
“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
I Corinthians 13:13
*There Are No Words
Another “First” ……
…… to experience. Another “first” to go through without Jim. And really, the biggest one yet. The most emotional. The one that could knock me to my knees …… if I let it.
But I won’t. I can’t.
Instead, I’ll slide a very nice mask into place, and lock it down tightly.
No one will know …… for certain …… that as I watch Daughter #3 walk herself down the aisle at her wedding, my heart will be breaking again.
I won’t let my feelings steal away any of her happiness.
Besides, I won’t be the only one whose heart is hurting.
She’s right …… no one can take the place of her father. So no one will.
I have no doubt that her joy will be mingled with sadness as she makes that walk.
And her siblings will feel the same pain …… as they watch her walk with a huge missing presence on her right side.
But all of us …… all seven of us …… will smile through the pain, and feel joy for her …… and for Son #4.
Because that’s what you do, when you want life to move forward.
And when you want to choose joy.
I’ve been able to keep the pain in check, to ignore it …… until now.
I made it through Son #4 asking me for my blessing before he asked her to marry him.
I did feel the missing of Jim at that moment, but I also felt the love and pride and joy for both of us.
When we found the perfect dress for her …… there was a moment when the tears flowed because he should’ve been there. Damn it, he SHOULD have been there.
But, as with so many other times, the tears were dried. Because …… simply …… he wasn’t. And he won’t. And that’s life.
And death.
The next time she wore the dress, for her first fitting, there were no tears. Truthfully, I didn’t even think about feeling sad. Because we were busy, making sure the dress would be adjusted …… and fitted …… perfectly.
And this weekend, for her last fitting, it did. She looks beautiful. I can’t wait to see Son #4’s face when he sees her.
And maybe because it was just me with her, but this time …… this time I felt his absence. And I’ve felt it ever since.
When no one is around, I can let the mask slip …… and the tears flow.
Interestingly enough, I’m on a plane, heading back to Texas as I write this.
Not caring that the tears are flowing next to a stranger.
He probably thinks the movie I have on is a tear jerker.
Which is probably for the best.
For him. 😊
There are less than three weeks until the joyous day.
Three weeks to let the tears come.
Three weeks to feel the missing of him.
Three weeks to grieve his absence …… to wish he were here.
And then …… then it will be time to choose joy.
My Second Plan A 