Mixed Blessings ……

…… equal mixed emotions.

Last week I went through all of our stuff at the lake.  Much of Jim’s clothes were still there …… where he left them.
It was sad to be parting with them, but it was also a relief to be parting with that house.
I walked down to the lake one late afternoon. It was very peaceful and the water was calm. Very calm.
That water usually made me feel calm.
That day was no different.

I can “feel” Jim there, down by the water.
It’s not that I believe he’s there. I don’t know what I believe about that anymore.
But I think it’s because it’s a place he loved so very much.
It’s hard to give that up.
And yet it’s not.

Welcome to my world.

Today I’m driving to Waco to be on Gigi duty while Daughter #2 goes to a conference.
I just saw her, Little Man and Daughter #3 this past weekend for a few hours. They drove down for a bridal shower some very dear friends hosted.
It had been less than a week since I’d seen him.
TANW* for how warm my heart felt when I looked into the car, he saw me and his face lit up.
It was the first time he really recognized me right away and wanted to come to me immediately.
No words.

Yesterday I had my annual meeting with my financial guy.
I know that I am beyond blessed to be able to have these meetings.
I know that Jim is still taking care of me long after he’s gone.
I also know why I cry every single year on the way to that meeting.
I’d rather have him.
And not money because he’s dead.
Mixed blessings.

I have several dresses to choose from for Daughter #3’s wedding. Which is in 10 days.
I’m not thrilled about any of them, though at this point in my life I’m not sure a dress exists that I’d be happy wearing.
Unless I don’t look in the mirror.
Which, now that I think about it, may be the best way to handle this.
Hmmmm …… I think I like that.
I’ll keep you posted.

I’m looking forward to seeing friends and family whom I haven’t seen in a long time.
I can’t wait to have all of the kids together in one place.
All seven of us.
I wish there were eight.

I’m excited for Daughter #3.
I hope that day is nothing but fun for her and Son #4.
I hope there is so much joy around them that it’s palpable.
And I hope the love they have for each other continues to grow, deepen and mature for many, many, many years.

Gracie is sleeping on my lap as I write this.
A friend is coming to pick her up in an hour or so.
I won’t see her until after the wedding.
This is the longest period of time that she’ll be away from me and though I know this sounds stupid beyond belief …… I feel so sad about being without her for that long.

I know she’s just a dog, but she’s been my near constant companion for almost a year and a half.
She’s loved me through good days, sad days, fun days and frustrating days.
She doesn’t expect anything from me.
She just loves me.
Pure and simple.

Not much in life is pure and simple.

Love can be pure, but it’s rarely simple.
Blessings feel pure. Not always simple.
Emotions are often pure and hardly ever simple.

I hope that I can keep mine in check.
Amidst all of the love, the blessings and the joy.
I’ll definitely be leaning on God in 10 days.
And relying on the prayers of friends and loved ones.

Mixed blessings.
Mixed emotions.
But steadfast, pure love.

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
I Corinthians 13:13

*There Are No Words

2 thoughts on “Mixed Blessings ……

  1. Jeni

    Janine, I am literally crying reading this. Maybe because I can’t imagine losing Scott with him away now in Japan. And leaving Halle in the U.S. while I move to Japan. All I know is that you are amazing and I am so proud to call you my friend. Don’t FORGET to be back in NYC for SNL on April 9th. We are going to have a fun time together. So very proud of you! You are going to be one very BEAUTIFUL MOB and I can’t wait to see the pictures! You look Marvelous!

  2. Cindy Deere

    Janine, I haven’t told you lately but I really love your posts. You are a blessing! I can only imagine how you feel with the wedding coming up. My thoughts and prayers are with you all!


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