Category Archives: Faith

Depression ……

the whole Crew …… And so much more.

Depression……. never seems to visit at a convenient time. Or maybe that’s just me.

The past few days have been hard for me, and yet I’m unable to say why. We made it past May, our anniversary, 3 of our children’s birthdays, etc. It’s now the middle of June. My birthday is around the corner, but that doesn’t seem to be looming large.
Or does it?

Maybe I’m not giving it enough credit.
I’ll be 56.
Still single.
Still expecting to be single for the rest of my life.
But that can be good ….. and yet not so good.

I weaned myself off of my antidepressants early this year (Yes, I can hear your tsk, tsks, head shakes, and finger wagging from here). But it was very slow and hey ….. if I was able to make it through my daughter’s wedding (where I looked worse than I have (weight-wise) in YEARS) and survive, then I think I did pretty damn well.

I made it through moving homes (and not selling one …. YET), through adopting Little Man, unpacking an entire house by myself, and then moving back to NY.

I’ve been doing really well, if i do say so myself.

And then.

Then these last few days have brought me no sleep, and an onslaught of tears.
I am in the throes of missing Jim.
Missing him hard.
Missing him constantly.
Missing his voice.
Missing his hand.
Just ……. the missing of him.

No explanation.
No answers.
No whys.

It just is what it is.

And then add to this missing of him …… the unfathomable horror that occurred in Orlando this weekend.
Orlando — a place that has meant nothing but fun for my children, for me and for Jim.
Many times.

And now it means death.
And hate.
And horror.

It also means that it’s time for me to stop hiding behind my children.
I have 6 wonderful, beautiful children.
Two of them are gay.
One, I had no doubt about as this child grew.
The other, I really never saw it coming.

I haven’t been public about this before because I’ve believed it’s not my story to tell. So I still won’t tell it.
But I will say that I love these two children just as much, or maybe a bit harder, than the other 4.
They were brought up the exact same way their siblings were. They received the same amount of unconditional love, the same expectations, the same discipline.
I believe that God loves them the very same way that He loved them when they were barely inside of me. I don’t believe that Christ’s love changes with the wind. Or depends on who you love.

I don’t believe the way they love/who they love is a sin. I don’t believe in a God who would create love and then penalize certain children for experiencing it.

I may lose many friends over this.

But that’s ok, because they most likely weren’t my friends anyway.

More tears come now as I wonder if my children will feel forever unsafe ……. solely because of who they love. Not who they CHOOSE to love, but who they fall in love with. Just as I did.
Just as Jim did.

The tears flow.

And now I will lose more friends.
Meh.

I have no problem with Americans owning guns.
I agree it’s a right in this country.
But I can no longer condone the ownership/usage of assault rifles. Guns that rattle off bullets by the second. Guns that are used because the user wants to feel “tough’, “masculine” , “macho”, “in control”.
Or because he wants to kill as many people as possible in a very short amount of time.

I am done. I can’t stand by any longer, no matter what area of the country I’m from, no matter who I’m related to, and say nothing.
I am sickened by the lack of action on getting these types of guns out of the hands of our children and out of our country.

Delete me if you must. Because isn’t that what this country’s come to? If we don’t agree with someone, we delete them. We used to talk to each other, to share our differences.
Now we delete.
From Facebook.

From Twitter.

From Instagram.

From Life.

A Tale of Two ……

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(Tonight’s dinner. And yes, I made it. And it was as delicious as it looks.)

…… Worlds.

I know that many friends live vicariously through me and my life in New York.
And I get that.
And am ok with it.

I think that no one lives vicariously through my being widowed.
And I get that.
And am ok with it.

I know that I have a wonderful life.
I know that I have no reason to complain.
And so I try not to.
Much.

But ……
I feel torn between two worlds.

One world is my life in NY, going to shows, seeing sights, trying to make a life for myself here and in Texas.
Loving time spent with my children and my grandchild.

In this world I am self sufficient, independent, happy to be able to do what I want, when I want. I love being able to travel between the two states, and elsewhere. I am 100% grateful that I’m able to live this life this way and I don’t take it for granted. I know that I was blessed to have the marriage that I had, with the perfect husband/best friend for me. And I know that I may never find that kind of love again, but that’s ok …… because at least I had it.

Then there’s the other world. The one in which I still do all of these things, still know all of these things and am still grateful for all of them.
But …… I feel lonely.
I miss having someone to be with.
Someone to have fun with.
Someone to talk to, argue with, laugh with, share things with.
Someone to hold hands with.
Someone to love.

And while I was blessed to have it, and know that I may have to be content with having had it once …… I really want to have it again.

Living alone can be very lonely.
Especially at the end of the day.

Why am I writing about this?
To let you know …… to make you aware, in case you’re not …… that while you may think that someone has a great life, a fun life, a busy life …… and that maybe every once in a while you might feel a twinge of envy for the life they lead …… we all have …… something.
No one has a perfect life.

No one.

And a person can be busy, active, traveling, show-seeing, blessed …… and still feel very lonely.

Very blessed. And very lonely.
Torn between two worlds.

You May Get Awfully Tired ……

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…… of seeing this face.
Though I highly doubt it.
Because …… this face!

He’s all ours now.
Well, technically, he’s all Daughter #2’s. But she has to share. 🙂

The hearing was …… well, it was certainly surprising.

Before it really started, the judge was asking D2’s attorney some questions. She didn’t seem all that happy with the answers and seemed to indicate that she would not be on board with Little Man’s adoption today.
Most of us inwardly groaned and settled in, bracing ourselves to hear that this would not be finished today, but at some point in the near future.

The attorney questioned the case worker, and then D2. And she described her life over these past 20 months …… and her love (and ours) for Little Man. She also said what she feared would happen if he were to not stay with her.

I don’t think there were many dry eyes in the room.

She did a great, and very calm job.

After almost two hours both attorneys were basically done (D2’s and Little Man’s). The judge then questioned them.
Again, we thought we’d be returning to this court room at some future date to continue this journey.

And then, almost out of the blue, she looked up and said, “I’m signing the orders for termination and for adoption. And for the name change.”

Daughter #3 and I were sitting together and we both gasped in surprise. And then burst into tears. I really was stunned.
The judge looked over at us and smiled. I smiled at her through my tears and mouthed, “Thank you.”
She asked if there were enough tissue boxes in the room.
Fortunately, there were.

So it is done.
Little Man is 100% part of our family.
Forever.
Thank You, God.

He not only carries our last name, but his middle name is James.
After his grandfather, who would’ve burst into tears himself upon hearing that.

We had a celebratory dinner tonight. Just him, Daughter #2, Daughter #3, and their good friend/attorney. Oh, and me. We hope to have a party next weekend to celebrate in a big way.
On our way out of the restaurant, who should we bump into but Chip and Joanna (if you don’t know who they are, you don’t watch “Fixer Upper”, and …… I’m sorry), who had already heard the news through the Waco grapevine.

You have to love small towns. 🙂

I’m headed to Chicago tomorrow for my niece’s high school graduation. I know I’ll have a great time. I’m just praying that I’ll be able to get back home without having to sleep on a cot in O’Hare.
Please, God.

Before I go, I’m going to leave you with some pictures.
And a video.

Be careful. The cuteness overload may be too much for some people.
But you might as well get used to it.
Because ……
This.
Face!!

In with a Bang ……

A Beautiful Harp ……

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…… can’t always play beautiful music.

No matter how beautiful this magnificent instrument looks, it’s only as good as its strings.

Monday night, as I sat through the funeral of my stepmother, tears rolling down my face at yet another part of my life that is gone, the image of a beautiful harp filled my mind.
It came out of nowhere, but it was as clear as if the harp were actually sitting in front of me.
As I studied this harp in my mind, one of its strings suddenly broke. It was an almost violent action and sound that stood in contrast to the beauty of the instrument.
Sometimes the breaking of a harp string can be painful.
If you’re too close.

It didn’t take me long to realize that this beautiful, yet broken
instrument …… was a visual image of my life.
Or rather, of my life since I met Jim.

Meeting him and falling in love with him brought the harp into my life.
All of the people and experiences that came after that filled my beautiful harp with amazing sounding strings.
The music from that harp was often loud, full of joy, love, laughter and sometimes … touching sadness.

And then Jim died.
Suddenly.
And just as suddenly, most of the strings on that harp snapped violently, stinging anyone and anything in their path.
After that, the harp just sat …… in its brokenness.

It occurred to me, as I sat in that funeral home Monday night, that each breaking string represented another connection with Jim that was now gone.
So seeing that string break at that moment, wasn’t actually losing my stepmother, but losing another part of my life that contained Jim.

I thought of all of those broken strings, and the lost people or things they represented.
My mother in law.
People who withdrew from my life.
The sale of our home.
The sale of our lake house.
The death of a friend of ours.
The divorce of friends of ours.
Our children …… graduating, growing, graduating again …… marrying.
Moving to New York.
Leaving Kingwood.
Selling his car.

There are so many more strings that have broken.
So many more ties to Jim that have been lost.
The more they break …… the lonelier, and sometimes more broken, I feel.

But here’s the thing.
The most important thing.
The harp doesn’t have to stay broken.
New strings can be added.
Notice that I didn’t say that strings can be “replaced”.
Because they can’t.
Ever.
And that’s ok.
They need to be remembered and honored and treasured for what each of them added to the beauty of the instrument.

And then new strings can be installed.
All it takes is a little determination.
And the desire to hear beautiful music again.

But most importantly …… it’s asking for help from the God who’s been loving us and waiting for us all along.

I’ve found that he adds the very best strings …… when I get out of His way.

Ironically enough …… the same events that can break a string …… can also put in a new one.
Moving to New York.
Selling “our” home in order to start the next part of my life.
Children graduating. And thriving.
And marrying.

New strings can be added as often as you recognize them.
Son #4.
Little Man.
Moving to Waco.
Gracie. Making new friends. Reconnecting with old ones.
Continuing to make memories.
Continuing to count blessings.

A harp needs to have strings replaced periodically in order to sound its best.
And even though new strings bring beauty …… there will still be pain each time an old one breaks.
Each time I lose another connection to Jim.

It’s this thing called “life” …… and it comes with the territory …… of living.

My harp will continue to play, and will continue to cause pain sometimes. The only way to avoid that is to leave it sitting in a corner, collecting dust.
And missing out on its extraordinary, beautiful music.
That …… I cannot do.

I’ll continue to listen to its music, feel the pain of each broken string, and lovingly add new ones as needed, with God’s help.
Because I can’t bear the thought of never seeing, or hearing, its beauty again.
And remembering Jim each time it plays.

Shifting Sands and Mingled Feelings ……

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…… best describes my life right now.

The wedding was amazing. It was beautiful and perfect. It was exactly what Daughter #3 wanted and what she planned. No kidding, it went off without a single hitch.
Well …… if you don’t count the fact that we thought Kleinfeld’s didn’t deliver the veil. But that was only for a brief moment in time (about 2 hours) and we found it so …… whew!

But other than that …… it was wonderful.
And painful.
Which brings us to mingled feelings.

I was so thrilled for Daughter #3. And Son #4.

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And I loved every moment of being there with all of my children.
And Little Man.

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And my family and friends.
Plus the weather was A.Maze.Ing!

(Please note that I included the silent e, so that you would know the word was pronounced “maze” and not “maz”, but I know that it’s not there in the actual word “amazing”. That’s for all of you grammar nazis. Of which I am one.)

Anyway, we couldn’t have asked for a more beautiful day for a wedding, let alone for an outdoor wedding.

I even managed to find a dress at the last minute that I actually liked. And I found a woman who could hem it at the ultra last minute. And she only charged me $10.
So there was that.

I felt really good the day of the wedding. I did’t feel emotional, I felt happy and excited.
And very blessed.
The wedding was at 5:00 and as two of my three sons walked me down the aisle, I still felt happy.
And then the pastor began the service.
Thankfully, before he got too far into it, I had a part to play, as did the mother of the groom.
We each got up in front and read a verse our children had chosen to be included in their wedding.

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My verse was Song of Songs (aka Song of Solomon) 8:7.
Which just so happens to be the verse from Jim’s and my wedding.
And which also just so happens to be engraved on my left wrist.

“Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away. If one were to give all the wealth of one’s house for love, it would be utterly scorned.”

I think Daughter #3 doubted that I’d make it through the reading without breaking down.
I told her that I’d be fine.
And I was.
100%.

I didn’t even trip walking from or back to my seat.
Props for me.

I was still doing well.
And then the age old wedding theme was introduced.
You know, that whole, “till death do us part” thing.
Not exactly those words, but you know what I mean.

The pastor joked about the two of them, being old one day and sitting in rockers on their front porch, remembering their wedding.
And I lost it.
Because …… well, because.
It would be wonderful if we all got to become old and sit on the porch with our most-loved person.
But there you go.

Fortunately Son #2 was sitting next to me and he either had his arm around me securely, or he held my hand tightly for the entire ceremony.
Especially during the vows.
Where again that “till death” subject popped up.
I love my sons.
And I love how they want to protect me.
Even when they can’t.

Lauren_Ben-618

So my feelings of happiness mingled with my tears.
Tears of grief for Jim’s huge absence.
Tears of fear that Daughter #3 may one day feel what I’ve felt.
Tears of desperation as I prayed over and over, “Please let him live a very, very long time.”
Tears.

My heart was full and yet breaking at the same time.
Happiness and grief.
Love and loss.
Joy and fear.

But all of the happiness, love and joy lasted longer than the feelings of grief, loss and fear.
As soon as they were pronounced husband and wife and turned to show us the joy on their faces, I felt nothing but love and joy for them.

Lauren_Ben-594

The rest of the night was a blast.

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The food was fabulous, the dancing was fun and everyone celebrated love.
Which was the whole reason we were there.

God’s love for us.
Jim’s love for me.
My love for him.
That’s what began all of this.
Love.
Pure and simple.
And wonderful.
Forever and ever.

Love not only brought about mingled feelings, but it’s brought about shifting sands.

I’ve been house hunting in Waco for a couple of months now.
I want to be closer to my children.
Five out of six (or rather …… six out of seven) live much closer to Waco than to Houston.
And then there’s Little Man.
And the future foster children of Daughter #2.
I want to live closer to him …… to them.
I want to be able to help Daughter #2 as she moves further into motherhood.

So I was thrilled last week to walk into the house of my dreams.
A house 15 minutes from her and Little Man.
A house I wasn’t even looking for, or so I thought.
It was completely different from everything else I had seen.
In fact, it wasn’t even on the market.
And now it’s mine.
Or it will be …… in about 30 days.

My Houston house is on the market.
I will miss it, to be sure.
But not enough to stay.

I will miss the community I’ve lived in for almost 25 years, without a doubt.
But not enough to keep me here.
I will love this place and the friends we made here …… for the rest of my life.
I will treasure most of the memories from here in my heart forever.
And I’ll come back to visit.
After all, it’s only a three hour drive.
Which hopefully will never be anything like a certain infamous “three hour cruise”.
I mean, we do have cell phones now.
Real ones …… not made of coconuts.

So yeah.
It’s been an eventful month or so.
Mingled feelings.
Shifting sands.
Wonderful memories.
Hope for a fun future.
With plans for more wonderful memories.
And love.
Lots and lots of love.

And blessings beyond measure.

Lauren_Ben-629

P.S. I’m keeping my apartment in NY.
I’m not crazy you know.
Waco will definitely need to be balanced out by NY.
Or I will go crazy.
100%.

🙂

P.P.S. All of the fabulous wedding pictures posted from this wedding were taken by Angela King in Austin. I cannot recommend her highly enough. You’ll find her web site here.

“The Best Laid Plans ……

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of mice and men often go awry.”

I have no idea why that quote talks about the plans of mice. I mean, really?? Who knows what the plans of mice are?
And technically, I’m not a man, but boy, did my plans go awry yesterday.

It was the day I was closing on our lake house.
The place that Jim loved the most.
The place where we spent his final days, though we had no idea they were to be his last.
The place where the kids and I spread the last of his ashes.
The place I thought we’d keep forever.
The place where I thought our children would come to share holidays with their children.

The place that became none of that after he died.

I knew that this closing could be a mine field of emotions, but I planned to be very stoic. I planned to get through this day without any emotions.
Without any tears.

But the best laid plans ……

Our original closing date was to be on March 17th.
Next week.
But last week the buyers informed me that they wanted to close a week early, on the 11th.
They suddenly had plans to go out of the country on March 14th, and wouldn’t be back until the 21st.
So they wanted to move the closing up and they wanted to do a walk through early that afternoon and told us to make sure that NOTHING was left behind …… in the house or on the property.
They thought that I would be thrilled with this plan.
They thought they were doing me a favor.
And boy, were they wrong.

My parents have been living in the lake house.
They had arranged a moving company to load up all of their stuff …… on the 11th.
There was no way in hell that the house would be ready for the buyers’ walk through.
So I told them no.
We couldn’t move the closing up an entire week, just to fit their travel arrangements.
And I told them that I was angry that they decided to move things up, and expected us to have the house empty a week early.
I told them that their plans did not fit with our schedule.
And that I was also irritated that they now wouldn’t be closing on the house on the day that they gave me, but instead we’d have to do it over a week later.

They apologized for causing me any stress and said that they would like to close on the 11th, but would totally understand that the house wouldn’t be empty for their walk through. They said that they understood that we’d still be knee-deep in moving out.

They lied.

I drove to the lake yesterday to close on the house.
My parents were still packing and the movers had come and gone.
The movers also miscalculated the size of the truck they would need.
So they couldn’t pack everything into the truck that they brought.
Which meant that my parents had to rent a U-Haul and pack much of the things on their own.

I went to the closing, knowing that the house wasn’t empty, but also knowing that they buyers had said that would be ok.
I signed all of the papers.
I did everything I was supposed to do.
Then I went to the house and took a few last pictures.

My agent and I were getting ready to head back home when the buyers’ agent called her.

And told her that the closing was off.
They buyers had done the walk through and were pissed off that the house wasn’t empty.
They didn’t want to close now.
Unless I agreed to sign a lease back to them for one day, guaranteeing them that the house would be empty after that one day.

That phone call changed all of my plans.
Suddenly, the selling of this house felt painful.
Much more painful than it had to be.
And the tears started to flow.

This was not the plan.
We were supposed to keep this house for many, many years.
I was not supposed to have to sell it on my own.
And I was not supposed to have to deal with a couple of asses on my own.
But there you go.

So we drove back to the title company to make the closing happen.
And this couple …… this couple who professed to be kind and understanding and supportive a week earlier (as well as to my mom during the walk through) …… were anything but.
They demanded that I put up a deposit of $5,000 in case the property wasn’t emptied to their liking.
This was what it would take to make them feel “comfortable” enough to do the deal.
My agent said that we wouldn’t agree to that high of a deposit. And their agent said that maybe if I talked to them and assured them that the house would be emptied, they’d feel more comfortable.
By this time I couldn’t stop the tears.
I didn’t want to talk to these people.
I just wanted to go home.
But I went in to face them and to try to assure them that they had nothing to worry about.
I also tried to tell them why this was so emotional for me.

They couldn’t have cared less.
The wife had a stupid grin plastered on her face the entire time I spoke to them.
I wanted to slap her.
They didn’t care that this was emotional for me.
That this was a home my husband loved and that I wished we’d never had to sell.
They were not the “Christians” that they purported to be.
They were heartless and very, very cold.

They said that they thought they were doing ME a favor by closing a week early.
They said that most sellers would be thrilled with an earlier closing date.
That most sellers would say, “Thank God!!” that the closing date was moved up.
They seemed to think that I owed them.

They wanted the house emptied, and they wanted it emptied yesterday.And they demanded that I give them the $5,000 deposit. Or they would walk.

I wanted to be the one that walked.
I wanted to tell them what they could do with their demands …… and their plans to buy my house.
But in the end, that didn’t make sense.
And so I signed their stupid lease agreement.
All the while blaming Jim for putting me in this situation.
Even though that didn’t make sense.
It is what it is.

I hate that couple.

I wanted to like them and wish them well with their four children in our home.
I wanted this to go so much differently than it did.
I didn’t plan to cry.

But there you go.
The best laid plans ……

I spent most of the day today working at that house, helping my parents pack up the rest of their stuff.
I worked my butt off cleaning out everything, in a couple of sheds, the garage and the house.
I am beyond tired.
And sore.

But it is done.
We’ll see if they give my back my $5,000.
I don’t have high hopes.
And I won’t know for a month.

I planned for this to go differently.
This house was the last thing I had that Jim and I shared.
It was the last thing I had of my “before” life.
It could have gone so much better.
That’s what I planned, anyway.

The best laid plans ……

Sometimes really suck.

Waco and Weddings and Little Man ……

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…… oh, my!

I’ve been in Waco for a week now and have been having a blast with Little Man. Last week Daughter #2 went to a conference for a couple of days so he and I had lots of together time.
Especially in the middle of the night.
Oh my.

Little Man has been teething …… to the max.
He’s had several teeth come in in just a week.
It would seem that they all break through in the wee hours of the morning.
But hopefully, we’re past the worst part.
At least for now.

He’s slept through the night the past couple of nights.
Thank you, God.
I’m finding out that grandparents are way too old to get up multiple times during the night and still be able to function the next day.
Which means that both Little Man and I were glad to see Daughter #2 when she returned.

This is his favorite spot in the kitchen.
Well, other than his high chair.

I brought this bear with me on this trip. It was Daughter #2’s bear when she was a baby. One of my sorority sisters made it for her.
He totally loves it.

Totally.

The weather has been so nice that we’ve spent time outside, playing with a water table.
His curls are delicious, are they not? 🙂

This past weekend we took him to the Farmer’s Market and to the Waco zoo. The weather was wonderful for both and we all had a great time.
He enjoyed his first “train” ride at the market (if you don’t count the NY subway).
They’re in the yellow train car.

Little Man LOVES the aquarium part of the zoo.

I was struck by the flexibility of this giraffe.

Then she decided to go lie down ……

…… to eat.
Gotta love a woman with a goal.

Then there was this.

A rhino who’s horn has grown out straight and is so long that it appears she can’t lift her head.
Word is that she’s so irritable that the zoo keepers can’t get near her to trim her horn down.

Which probably describes me perfectly at the age of 80.

This orangutan was just sitting at the fence when we walked up …… and then he evidently decided that it was time to show off.
And so he did. He traversed down the fence like this. I got it on video.

All in all, we had a great day at the zoo.

I’ve been doing some house hunting here. I’ve found two houses that I like a lot. But I want to at least get an offer on my current home before I put one on another one.
I know. Call me crazy.

Gracie Lou has been having a blast hanging out with my friend N and her hubby and dog. I think she’s really going to miss having a built in playmate when I bring her home. N has been sweet enough to send me daily pics.

Oh my word, I miss this face.
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Daughter #1 flew into Austin today. She and Daughter #3 will be driving to Waco tomorrow to attend the Bachelorette party tomorrow night. Little Man and I will be hanging out together while the ladies go out and have fun and debauchery.
In reality, there will be much more fun than debauchery.

On Friday we’ll all head to Austin to start the wedding festivities.

That’s all for now. I doubt that I’ll have much time to write again until after the wedding. I appreciate all of the comments, love, good thoughts and prayers that you’re all sending. Please keep them coming.

Saturday is going to be an awesome day.
❤

Another “First” ……

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…… to experience. Another “first” to go through without Jim. And really, the biggest one yet. The most emotional. The one that could knock me to my knees …… if I let it.
But I won’t. I can’t.
Instead, I’ll slide a very nice mask into place, and lock it down tightly.

No one will know …… for certain …… that as I watch Daughter #3 walk herself down the aisle at her wedding, my heart will be breaking again.
I won’t let my feelings steal away any of her happiness.

Besides, I won’t be the only one whose heart is hurting.

She’s right …… no one can take the place of her father. So no one will.
I have no doubt that her joy will be mingled with sadness as she makes that walk.
And her siblings will feel the same pain …… as they watch her walk with a huge missing presence on her right side.

But all of us …… all seven of us …… will smile through the pain, and feel joy for her …… and for Son #4.
Because that’s what you do, when you want life to move forward.
And when you want to choose joy.

I’ve been able to keep the pain in check, to ignore it …… until now.
I made it through Son #4 asking me for my blessing before he asked her to marry him.
I did feel the missing of Jim at that moment, but I also felt the love and pride and joy for both of us.

When we found the perfect dress for her …… there was a moment when the tears flowed because he should’ve been there. Damn it, he SHOULD have been there.
But, as with so many other times, the tears were dried. Because …… simply …… he wasn’t. And he won’t. And that’s life.
And death.

The next time she wore the dress, for her first fitting, there were no tears. Truthfully, I didn’t even think about feeling sad. Because we were busy, making sure the dress would be adjusted …… and fitted …… perfectly.

And this weekend, for her last fitting, it did. She looks beautiful. I can’t wait to see Son #4’s face when he sees her.
And maybe because it was just me with her, but this time …… this time I felt his absence. And I’ve felt it ever since.
When no one is around, I can let the mask slip …… and the tears flow.
Interestingly enough, I’m on a plane, heading back to Texas as I write this.
Not caring that the tears are flowing next to a stranger.
He probably thinks the movie I have on is a tear jerker.
Which is probably for the best.
For him. 😊
There are less than three weeks until the joyous day.
Three weeks to let the tears come.
Three weeks to feel the missing of him.
Three weeks to grieve his absence …… to wish he were here.

And then …… then it will be time to choose joy.

Living the Vida Loca ……

2 Replies

…… in Waco, Texas.

Well, I’m not all that sure that it’s the “vida loca”, but it’s been interesting.
I went house hunting for two days. I found a couple of houses that I like very much.
But I need to sell one or two homes before I acquire another. I mean …… I’m not all that into real estate.
And I do NOT want to own more houses than I do right now.
At all.

So we shall see what happens.
The lake house goes on the market tomorrow.
I have mixed emotions about selling it, but not as many as I would’ve thought.

The last weekend of Jim’s life was spent there.
With our three sons.
We had a wonderful time.
The weekend before Christmas.
I’ll never forget it.
It’s engraved in my memory.

Jim loved that lake house.
I did, too.
Then.
Not so much since.
It’s just not the same.

And now the kids are older and further away.
So there are no more weekends at the lake.
It hasn’t become what we dreamed it would.
And that’s OK.
That actually makes it easier to part with.

I don’t particularly enjoy spending time there now.
It’s not the same.
It was supposed to be for us.
And now there is no us.

So it’s time to sell it to another family.
A family who can make the kind of fun memories we made.
It’s a great house.
On a great piece of property.
Right on the lake.
It’s beautiful.
I’ll miss it.

But then, I’ve been missing it for 8 years.
Because it’s not what it was.
But I hope it will be for another family.

In other news …… I’ve been on Gigi Duty for the last 24+ hours.
Daughter #2 had a conference to attend, so I’m here taking care of Little Man.
Boy, am I glad that I’m a Gigi and not a mom to a 15 month old.
Don’t get me wrong …… he is amazing.
And I love him more than I can put into words.
But holy cow …… 15 month olds take a lot of energy.
Which is why God designed us to have them at a much earlier age than I am now.

Although I have to tell you …… that I’m very proud of myself.
For teaching him/getting him to finally say …… mama.
The kid has refused to say “mama”.
In fact, he’s made a game out of it.
I’ll say, “Say Mama”, and he grins and says, “Dada”.
Every single time.
But two nights ago, for the first time, he uttered the word, “Mama”, after I put him to bed.
Of course he did that without me being able to capture it on video.
And I have no doubt that he did it on purpose.
The stinker.

Daughter #2 left last night around 6:00.
So I fed him dinner, cleaned him up and put him to bed.
And he may, or may have not, uttered the word, “Mama”.
Once or twice.

Tonight, after I put up with a couple of tantrums, fed him, cleaned him up, put his pjs on him, brushed his teeth, and finally put him in his crib, he decided to stand back up and chat with me.

So I got my phone out and started recording him, knowing that I could eventually get him to say, “Mama”.
And I did.
Whoop!
I was very proud of him, and of me.
And I immediately sent the video to Daughter #2.

I think it might have made her day.
Which probably wasn’t all that hard to do since she’s at a work conference.
But I think she was pretty happy with the video.

Gigi duty has gone pretty well.
Last night he went to bed very easily for me.
As he had done the night before when Daughter #2 went out to dinner with a friend.
Evidently he gives her a harder time.
As they are prone to do.

Last night he was out cold by 7:20.
He cried out at around 10:00, I patted him on the back, and he went back to sleep.
At 2:00 a.m. he woke up and cried. He could not be consoled enough to go back to sleep so I took him out of the crib and put him in bed with me.
Which, I have to admit, was the same horrible experience it was when my kids were small and I would let them in bed with me when Jim was out on an Indian Princess/Indian Guides weekend.
Meaning that he rolled all over that bed and did indeed kick me in the face more than once.
But hey …… instead of carrying each child into bed so that we could all get at least half a night’s sleep …… I just put up with his feet being in my face.
And so he slept.
Until 6:00 a.m.

Have I told you lately that I am NOT a morning person?
If you know me well, or even kind of well, you know that.
But heck, he was up so it was easier to get up than to fight it.

Which meant that I could fix him breakfast, make his lunch and drive him to day care by 8:00 a.m.
And then come back to get some much needed rest.

Yeah, maybe I’m not such a good Gigi.
Or maybe I am because I’m a Gigi who knows that she needs some down time in order to be the best Gigi she can be.
Thank God for day care.

Little Man is creeping up on his Terrible Twos. Which actually start around 18 months, but he seems to be ahead of the pack.
He was pretty bratty tonight …… until I got him set up for dinner.
The boy loves to eat.
No kidding.
He lives to eat.
And if you’ve seen a picture of him …… you understand.

Daughter #2 Face Timed us tonight, before dinner, but it didn’t go as well as we’d hoped. He was right in the middle of a bratty Terrible Two’s episode.
He totally loved seeing her on my lap top, but only for a couple of minutes or so.
After that he was off to bite me or scream because I wouldn’t let him take a bite out of one of the dogs or my toes.
He’s not very discriminating when it comes to biting someone/something.

But he did calm down once I changed his diaper, put his pjs on him and coated him in some kind of Johnson’s Baby Bedtime Lotion.
I’m not sure what that really is, but I was told to put it on him, and so I did.

The funny thing is …… he goes to bed much easier for me than he does for D#2.
I need to preface this with the fact that they are living in a one room, studio apartment. The whole thing is smaller than my bedroom (in Texas).
So when she puts him to bed she turns off all of the lights, the TV and anything else that might shine a light into their space. And then she sits in the dark while working on her computer or whatever else she can do in the dark.

Now me? Not so much.
He’s gone to bed three nights in a row with not only a light, but also the TV on.
And he’s had no problems with it.
I put him to bed, tell him “Night Night”, say his good night prayer (Now I lay me down to sleep …) and he lies down and goes to sleep.
Tonight he stood back up and chatted with me for a bit …… thus, I captured the “Mama” moment …… but he soon lay down and fell asleep.

I’m loving this Gigi stuff.

Which brings us back to the reason that I’m deciding to sell my home(s) and move to Waco.
I want to be close to Daughter #2 so that I can help out when she needs it.
Plus it puts me closer to Daughter #3, Son #1 and Son #2.

I still plan to divide my time between NY and TX, but we shall see which place I decide to spend the most time in.

So there you go …… the Vida Loca.

Enjoy!!

	mysecondplana on 18 ……
	mysecondplana on 18 ……
	Cindy Trammell on 18 ……
	Saundra on 18 ……
	Lorraine on The Lack of Touch ……

My Second Plan A

After my first Plan A ended tragically, and all too soon, I came up with my second Plan A. It took a while, but now I'm ready to live again. And live fully.