Tag Archives: life after loss

I Think I Died and Went to Hell ……

…… at least three times this morning during barre class.
I knew I was in trouble when I started breathing hard during the warm up.
Seriously.

The only thing that got me through it was the decision to get home and cancel my spot for tomorrow’s class.
Three days in a row was a pipe dream.

Or so I thought. I ended up not canceling that class, and now it’s too late (unless I don’t mind being charged an extra $20 in addition to the cost of the class). I knew that would happen. I knew that I’d feel certain about canceling it, but that if I waited a few hours, I’d talk myself into going.
And I did.
It’s kind of like punishing myself for not doing any exercise (other than packing and heaving heavy boxes) for the last month.
So I’ll die a few more deaths tomorrow.

And then hopefully catch you up to all things NY.
🙂

You Have GOT ……

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…… to be kidding me!!
I mean, really?! Do people fall for this?!

It seems that I’m in big trouble.
Here’s the evidence …… I received this postcard-sized item in the mail today:

See?! It appears that Ms. Hudson is very upset with me!! My goodness, I have no idea how I missed that first notice!
It feels like I’m back in elementary school and Ms. Hudson is the principal who has called me into her office. Do you think I should call her??!
Wait! I have a great idea …… why don’t all of YOU call her?!!
You can tell her that I’m very sorry for whatever I did and I’ll try very hard to never do it again.
But no, I’m not giving her my bank account number.
I’m anti-social that way.
Good grief.

So I made an appointment today with a new rheumatologist. I can’t get in as a new patient until the middle of July.
Ugh.
Which means I get to deal with swollen and very pain-filled fingers, hands, toes and feet for a while longer.
Mornings are absolutely fabulous around here.
I can’t grip anything and my feet hurt when I walk.
I feel like I’m about 89.
Which means that, damn, I look good for the age I feel!
🙂

This afternoon I decided to go jump in the pool to cool off after working around the house and in the garage.
This pool feels like my very own, largest EVER, private pool:

Yep, it was just little ol’ me at the pool.
And it was very, very nice.
The water felt wonderful.
It wasn’t too cold.
It wasn’t too hot.
It was just right.
So I swam and I swam until the bears came back.
Wait …… that’s a totally different story.
Dang! Unfortunately my brain feels as old as my body feels.

So did anybody catch “America’s Got Talent” tonight?
Because oh. my. word. those pogo stick jumpers!
Not to mention the jump ropers!!
Now I can’t decide …… should I go ahead with the plans for the Ninja course in the back yard, or just concentrate on the pogo stick/jump rope?
Although, jumping after having 6 kids isn’t as fun as it used to be.
And that’s all I’m going to say about that.
You’re welcome.

OK, time to go take a pain pill. My hands and fingers are killing me after this much typing.
Pathetic, isn’t it?
Welcome to my life.
A little fun …… and a lot pathetic.

Don’t be jealous.
🙂

American Ninja ……

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…… has me captivated. Truly. Inexplicably.
I’m not sure why.
But I’m contemplating putting a Ninja workout course in my back yard jungle. The Sons and I could practice together and become the first mother/sons trio ever to enter.
What?
Stop laughing. One guy was 56 years old!
Of course, he didn’t get very far, but hell, he got further than most of you could go!

Actually, I told Son #3 that I could probably do the first obstacle (the one where you jump from one pad to the other), and then I’d be done. Although, I think I could totally do that swing thing and jump to the rope obstacle, but there’s no way in Hades that I could even get one of those rings moved (or the posts moved, depending upon which state’s competition you’re watching. Which brings up a question … and an accusation: Why do the contestants not have to do the EXACT same course?? You can’t tell me that hanging on to that circle thing with your feet wedged into place, is just as hard as hanging on to that log-thing with no place for your feet to wedge into! I maintain that these competitions are unfair. And I’m sure that NBC really cares about my opinion.
But at least I’ve put it out there.)
Anyway … all that to say … I have NO upper body strength. Well, that’s not totally true. The barre classes have helped me gain some strength up there, although I may have lost it all now, since I haven’t been in a class for over 3 weeks. Sigh …… that’s a hell of a lot of work to waste.
There are no barre classes down here. Not less than a 45 minute drive anyway. I’m thinking about starting a franchise here in my community. Just so I can go.
How pathetic is that?

So …… where was I?
I digress so easily these days.
Oh yeah, American Ninja. In my back yard.
Yeah.
Let’s think about it: I’ve packed up my 5,000 square feet house (with some help from friends, but mostly me). I moved most of those boxes to the new house …… by myself (the movers moved most of the furniture and the really heavy boxes).
I unpacked most of those boxes and put things away …… by myself.
I re-unpacked everything when the painters finished. And hooked up our sound system. Then dug out our old CD player (that holds 200 CDs) and wired it in, too. And it all works. (I’m more amazed than anyone!)
I’ve trimmed the trees in the back yard.
I packed up all of the stuff that we didn’t sell in the moving sale and moved it all into one room of the house and into the garage. By myself.
I helped a guy load it onto a truck today, thus leaving the house almost totally empty.
And the garage.
And the attic.

I think I need a nap.

So yeah, I might be able to train for this Ninja show.
But now that I’ve typed all of that out, I don’t think I want to.
Wow, that was a quick turn around.
So much for American Ninja.
At least that saves me a lot of time and effort in putting one of those dang courses in the back yard.
I think I’ll fix a margarita instead and watch the wild life from the back porch.

So yes, the house is pretty much empty.

The last time I saw it this empty was the day that Jim and I were deciding to put an offer on it.
Back in November of 1997.
But who’s counting?
Besides me.

So does all of this mean that I can qualify for American Ninja?
Hell, no.
It just means that I’m tough in other ways.
And I admire those who do qualify.
And I really admire that tiny little woman who made it over the “Warped Wall” …… the first woman to ever do so.
You go, tiny woman!!

For those of you (and I’m certain that it’s most of you) who have no earthly idea what I’ve been talking about …… NBC …… Monday nights. Watch it just once.
And you’ll be hooked.
Or go read a good book.
Whatever.

Tonight Son #3 kept his crown of the king of grilling …… at least in my book. He made ham steaks with a jalapeño sweet and sour marinade that was very, very good.
And, he suffered through the burning that he got on his hands and face from cutting up, and grilling, the jalapeños.
No kidding, I thought for a moment that I was going to have to take him to the ER. He ran upstairs and jumped into the shower while I Googled “what to do for jalapeño burns” — mustard, rubbing alcohol, yogurt, or fresh lime juice …… I wasn’t sure if this was going to help him, or get him ready to be put on the grill.)
Thankfully, the shower seemed to help.
The mustard didn’t do all that much.

But the ham steaks were wonderful.

In other news (I really should just try to write every day, rather than every few days because SO much goes on around here that it creates wickedly long posts. Sorry.)
World War III is going on in my back yard.
Granted, it’s only between two parties, but that’s all it takes to start a war, right?
It seems that we have a raccoon who thinks he can waddle around my property, taking whatever he wants.
Which is a bit better than our first thought: Son #3 put up humming bird feeders, filled with the red sugar solution they love. When I woke up the next morning, I noticed that one of the feeders was gone. So I went outside and noticed that it had been tossed down the hill. After it had been drained.
After it had been carefully un-hooked from the stand Son #3 had hung it on.
Our thoughts? Some big, fat bully of a hummingbird was terrorizing the other little birds and stole all of our bird juice.
And then we put more thought into it …… and decided that it was some big, fat pig of a raccoon, who had carefully unhooked it, guzzled it all down, burped, and tossed it down the hill, like a Chicago Bears fan going through a 6 pack. (I lived in Chicago and I have a tiny love of the Bears so I can write that. Ha!)

Well, I waited a few days and then put a bit of the red stuff into the feeder and re-hung it.
Then, that same evening, Son #2 was in the kitchen and there was a shattering noise outside. I, being the deaf and aging old woman that I am, thought the sound came from the TV (just shut up, ok?!). He looked around and said, “What the hell was that?!” I said, “What?”. He said, “There’s something out there.”, while pointing outside.
And in that instant, I knew. I may, or may have not, uttered a swear word as I vaulted over the furniture and ran outside.
And there, broken into a hundred shattered pieces (or maybe 20), was the very beautiful, glass bird bath that Son #3 had brought home.
Why that fat SOB wanted to take a bath is beyond me, but he has crossed me too many times.
So now there’s a trap outside where the bird bath used to be. With a can of cat food in it as a lure.
A lure that fat slob didn’t go for last night.
We may have to try something else.
Son #3 swears that a Reeses cup will do the deed.
All of you Houston-area Peeps ought to love that! It seems that even our raccoons here in KW are snobs! They won’t go for anything less than chocolate!
WTH?????
I guess I’ll go pick up some Reeses tomorrow.
I’ll keep you posted.

OK, that’s it.
For now.
But as you all know by now, there will be plenty to write about tomorrow or the next day.
Never a dull moment.
You’re welcome.
Happy Tuesday.
🙂

I Wonder ……

2 Replies

…… what the hell was I thinking??!
These last two days I’ve been packing up the house by myself.
Alone.
Solo.
A five bedroom, 5,000 square feet house.
This.
Is.
Insane.

The first two days I had the help of a few friends, for which I am very, very grateful.
Especially after doing it by myself.

Yesterday the packing became very emotional, so maybe it was a good thing that I was alone.
Although if I’d had someone to help, maybe they could’ve done the emotional stuff.
Like the refrigerator that had a multitude of magnets on it.
Magnets that we collected from every place we visited/vacationed.
And from every Broadway show we’d seen.

I didn’t really see that coming.
I was just working my way through the room, and then I was next to the fridge. So I grabbed a bag and started removing the magnets.
And about 30 seconds in, the wave hit.
And then another, and another, and another.
Sigh ……

And then there was this:

The wall that I measured the kids on every August.
Deeper sigh ……

I had a desk that had a glass top on it. Beneath the glass I had placed pictures. A whole lot of pictures, from many different years and stages. I loved having those pictures there.
I didn’t love having to gather them back up, although I did smile a lot at the memories.

And then there were these two items that Sons #2 and #3 made me, back in their pre-school days. I hated to part with them, but I had to be realistic.
Sometimes realisms sucks.
Beyond belief.

Now my study looks like this:

Which is kind of how I feel right now …… empty.

And exhausted.

I know that I’ll be ok, and that I’ll be glad to have all of this behind me …… no matter how difficult it is in the midst of it.

Before I post this and head off to bed, I’ll show you something a bit different.
At least a bit different for all of us down here.
The real estate market here in our community has gone a little nuts.
It’s definitely a seller’s market (other than me as a seller).
And just to show you how hot it is in my neighborhood …… here’s a sign that went up yesterday:

Can you read that?
Note that it’s not “for sale”, but “coming soon”!
What the what?!?!

I’ve never seen those words on a real estate sign.
I can only imagine the tizzies and the frothing at the mouth that’s going on around here, just at the thought of another house going on the market.
I may have to hunker down and keep all the windows and doors bolted when that house actually becomes available.

I hope I’m done moving when that happens.
🙂

Can You Say ……

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…… ewwwww!?

I found this today, underneath the shelves in my closet:

Now, I know that this little can of Nutri System Chicken and Barley Stew, isn’t that awful looking.

Unless you look at the dust bunnies on the lid:

And then check the “best used by” date:

Yes, you read that right. Best by May 2009.
Ewwwwww!

Although I have to say, this little can is pretty tame and boring compared to what Jim and I found in our first house down here in TX the day we moved in:
A pair of fuzzy handcuffs on the top shelf in my closet.
I kid you not.
I thought about leaving a pair for the next couple.
And then chickened out.

So chicken and barley stew is pretty blase.
But I have to wonder, why the heck would you keep a can of that in your bedroom closet?
Maybe the husband had been put on the Nutri System diet by his wife, and he tried to hide the boring food.
What?! It’s plausible.

Today I started packing at 9:30 this morning. My wonderful friend, Vicki (Texas Vicki, not Oklahoma Vicki) came over this morning and jumped right in to the packing. She also came over on Tuesday, along with three other friends, to pack.
Vicki is the first friend that I made when we moved down here. She’s very special to me.
People who are named Vicki tend to be pretty wonderful friends. 🙂

I’m so grateful to all of the friends who volunteered to come over and help. I didn’t have to ask, they just came.
That’s what friends do.
And that’s pretty wonderful.

We packed until around 2:30 or 3:00.
I’m trying not to feel overwhelmed, but dang, there’s a lot of stuff to pack up. Tuesday we packed most of the day and it felt like we hadn’t even made a dent.
Today it seemed that we made a small dent.
But there’s still so much left to do.
And not enough boxes available.
And my back won’t shut up.
And yes, I may be whining.
But I’m allowed.
My back hurts and my heart hurts.
I expected that.
The heart …… not the back.

This was supposed to be our “forever home”.
So much for “forever”.
I don’t think I’ll ever think someplace is “forever” again.

Today’s emotional bomb hit when Vicki and I were packing up the game room.
I had climbed up on a counter to reach a very high cabinet, and found things I’d never known were there.
Evidently Jim made huge accordion files of every vacation we went on, and stashed them in that cabinet.
I never knew.
And while I knew that he was a bit anal (he was an accountant, after all) and kept files of everything, I didn’t know that he kept ticket stubs, flight tickets, brochures, etc. from everywhere we’d been. He didn’t tend to save things like that.
Or so I thought.
And now the tears flow.

God, I miss him.

In other news, my friend Anne came over and helped me pick some colors for the walls. I have no ability to come up with something like that. But she did a fabulous job and now I’m pretty excited. I’m going to pain the family room and my bedroom and bath.
Well, “I’m” not painting it, but you know what I mean.
It’s going to be wonderful and colorful.
Whoop!

I’m building up quite a stash of things that I’m getting rid of. I plan to have a “moving sale” in a couple of weeks. To hopefully get rid of all of the stuff I can’t move over.
Stuff that none of the kids want.
Things like a leather sofa with a queen hide-a-bed, a pool table/air hockey table that I wish I had room for, a lovely bedroom set with a king head & foot board, a 50″ flat screen TV, a receiver, exercise equipment, a GE french door stainless fridge, an older fridge that makes a great second fridge, a stand up freezer, and all kinds of kitchen stuff, games, videos, etc.
I could probably outfit two houses with all of the stuff in that house.
🙂

I think I’ve given myself a headache.
So I’m going to watch the football draft now.
Now that the Texans had the first pick.
Whoop!

While I’m Waiting ……

It’s Time to Admit ……

A Piece of My Mind ……

7 Replies

…… has been given to that bloody E Harmony site.
And yes, I just used the word bloody. That’s probably because I’ve been watching House Hunter’s International and listening to British and Australian home buyers.
And it seemed to fit.

As I’ve said before, I don’t have a lot of pieces up there left to give, but I truly loathe that site.
I haven’t deleted my account yet because I purchased a 3 month plan, and I’m determined to stick it out until the bitter end.

I mostly just delete men every few days now. That’s because they have never, EVER sent me a good match. Every single one is accompanied with the words, “This match is outside of your settings, but it might work.”
I have no idea why they’ve never, EVER, sent a match within my settings (which are actually quite broad), but last night’s email of “outside matches” was the last straw.

I went on line, pulled up my profile, deleted everything I had written in the “More About Me” section and then wrote this:

A little more about me

I’m getting ready to leave this site because eHarmony has been a negative experience for me. I feel completely invisible on this site. Do you men NEVER make the first move??! What is it that you’re afraid of? I’m fine with men who are “outside” my settings (which are the only kind I get), but I’m not fine with always having to be the one who initiates, who sends the “smile” (gag!). I’ve done it, plenty of times, but haven’t had a man respond. I’m fun, funny, independent, spiritual, healthy and fit, smart and I love adventure. I’d rather be single the rest of my life than stick around here.

Yes, I really wrote that, clicked “save” and then closed up shop.
And guess what happened?
Oh, of course you know what happened because … REALLY?!

So now I’m in communication with a guy who read that within 30 minutes of my edit and then wanted to “get to know me”.
Go figure.

In other non-on-line-dating news, I think barre class almost killed me today. After I came home I was so exhausted that I had to go take a nap. An hour later I didn’t feel much more rested. So today was a quiet, stay in the apartment kind of day.
I think I need to eat ~~some~~ more protein.
I have class in the morning again.
If you don’t hear from me for a few days, you can safely assume I died.
Or maybe I’m in a coma …… resting.
🙂

He is Risen ……

1 Reply

…… He is risen indeed.
🙂

We had a very nice Easter weekend up here in NY.
Yesterday the weather was warm (in the high 50’s!) here and oh, so beautiful.
After I went to barre class I went to see a play (which was horrible) and then spent time walking through the Park. It was a very popular spot this weekend.

This little guy and his mom were having pictures done underneath the beautiful trees with all of the white blossoms. You can’t really tell, but he was dressed as a bunny, with ears and a tail. Too cute.

I’m not sure what was going on, but suddenly there was a herd (not sure what to call a group of them?) of policeman on motorcycles in the Park.

As I was leaving the Park I saw this woman. And instantly started humming, “Tuppence, tuppence….” (hopefully you recognize what depressing song was going through my head). Because she was totally feeding the birds. Lots and lots of bird seed was in that bag.
For pigeons. Also known as rats with wings.
Or Jim. 🙂

I went up to the top of my building last night to hang out with some friends. And I took these pics of the park, which is now getting green.

We have a fantastic view from up there.

Then I came back to the apartment to hang out and relax. Oliver was obviously intent on doing the same thing.
He was snuggled up against me, sitting up like a human, with his legs stretched out. He was very, very relaxed. I took these picture from above:

He finally decided to stretch out …… with his front feet curled in front of him:

He leads a very tough life.

This morning we got up and started getting ready to have friends come over for an Easter pot luck lunch. I also watched Ed Young’s Easter service from Houston, which made me feel more connected to Texas. 🙂
Daughter #3 had invited several of her friends from church (including her BF!). They all brought yummy dishes (the most popular was the box of Texas kolaches — which means NOT fruit filled, but sausage and cheese and jalapeño-filled!). Those disappeared very quickly.

We played a lively round of Apples to Apples and then it was time for several of us to go to church.
Yes, our church services are on Sunday nights (it’s a church plant from Texas).
Daughter #3 and I were supposed to go out with the guys that I met Friday night at the supper club. We had reservations for 8:00, but one of the guys has been sick all day so we had to cancel. We were disappointed but hopefully I’ll be able to meet up with them while I’m in Houston next month.

So that was my weekend. Nothing exciting, but very nice anyway. The temps were cooler today, but it still appears that maybe we have finally reached spring time up here. 🙂

A word of advice for any theatre-loving peeps: if you ever think about going to see the play, “Under My Skin” …… don’t.
Keep your money.
You’re welcome.

I hope you all had a peaceful and blessed Easter.
🙂

An Addendum ……

5 Replies

…… to last night’s post.

I forgot to write about THE most important lesson I learned yesterday.
Seriously.
And it’s another cab lesson.

Most of the cabs here have monitors in the back that show entertainment blurbs about stuff going on in NY. It’s entertaining, unless you’re in the cab long enough to see it loop around several times.

But yesterday I saw a blurb that I hadn’t seen before. Last month the city passed a new law: the speed limit in NYC is now 30 mph. They wanted to make it 25, but the mayor gave in at 30. From 40, I think.
If you’ve never been here you need to know that no one ever follows the speed limit. Not at 40 and certainly not at 30.

So, this is the blurb/commercial that I saw:

“If you hit someone at 40 mph they have a 70% chance of dying.
If you hit someone at 30 mph they have an 80% chance of living.”

And that was it.
Really, seriously, and truly …… that was the entire message.
So it sounds like hitting someone is inevitable. It’s going to happen, so just make sure you hit them at 30 mph …… unless it’s someone you don’t like, and then rev it up to 40.
Good to know.
(OK, the next to the last sentence is just my thought. It wasn’t implied in the commercial. For those of you who are more literal than most.)

In other news …… I had the best time tonight! Yes, at the supper club (which was Studio 54, for any of you who know that name) that I was leery of going to because I’d be by myself, seated at a table with other people.
I will never be leery of that again.

When I arrived I was taken to a table and a seat where I sat next to a woman, who came with her mom, who sat across from her. They were chatting with a woman who sat on the other side of the daughter. On my other side there was an empty chair, and then a woman who sat across from her husband, and both were staring at their cell phones.
Those two were next to the stage. Front and center. It was a great table in that sense.
I was perusing the menu, not talking to anyone, when 3 men came up to the couple at the end and started saying hi and hugging them. It was clear that one of the men was friends with this couple and had not seen them in a while. One of the men sat next to me and the two others sat across from me.
The man directly across from me started talking to the mom and daughter, introducing himself. He said that they were from Houston. So I piped up and said that I, too, was from Houston. He was surprised and asked where in Houston and I told him.
Then he told us that he and his partner (the guy sitting next to me) had seen these two women (who were the people doing the show) 18 years ago in Houston. They loved them so much that when he saw they were performing in NY, he got airline tickets immediately to come see them.
I was impressed.
And glad that I had received one of my great emails about the show, and decided to see it.

He then somehow mentioned that he and his partner were on the board of a small theatre in Houston.
I, being the theatre person that I am, asked which one. To which he replied, “Stages”.
The theatre that Daughter #1 did her internship at six years ago.
Yes, really.
He was surprised and asked her name. I told him and he recognized the name, though he wasn’t sure if he had ever met her.
He then texted the director of the theatre to tell him that he was having dinner with Daughter #1’s mom. The director replied, “You’re kidding!!!?”.
Small world.

Then I remembered that one of Daughter #2 and #3’s friends has performed quite a few times at that theatre. So I asked him if he knew her.
He stared at me incredulously for a moment and then said, “Yes, we know her well!” I said that I had known her since she was 14, or younger. He then texted this young lady to tell her that he was having dinner with me. And she replied, “Whaaaaaaaat??!!!”
And now the four of us (and hopefully Daughter #3) are going to dinner Sunday night.
Very small world.

The women who sang tonight were really wonderful. They’re sisters and the show is called “Sibling Revelry”. One has been the lead in 6 Broadway shows (one of them “Cats”). The other has won several music awards. They both sang (and one wrote) the theme song of “The Nanny”, which we all sang together. 🙂

It was a very fun night.
It was great to meet these men, who have been together for 33 years. THIRTY THREE years.
Amazing. Not many couples, no matter what gender they are, can claim that.
The one next to me is a doctor in Houston, and he and I sang along with quite a few songs (when it was appropriate). He claimed that I was his new best friend and that we should travel together.

After the show a woman came up to me and asked if I had known the words to every single song. I admitted that I did not. There were two or three that I’d never heard before. She said that was surprising and that she had enjoyed watching us sing along.
Evidently she couldn’t really hear us all that well.
Thankfully.

As the show was getting ready to end, one of the sisters came out into the audience to talk to a few people. She came to our table and asked a couple of questions to the party on the other end (3 guys and 2 women). One of the men asked if he could say something. She looked surprised but gave him the mic. He thanked the two of them for bringinf music to people and making them feel better. Then he stood up, took out a small box, and proposed to his partner, who was sitting next to him. And who was hugely surprised.
The entire room erupted into applause and congrats, and the waiters brought out a cake with sparklers. The men’s mothers were there, but had been at a table on the other side of the room, so that the man being proposed to wouldn’t see them. They were very happy and excited and there were hugs all around.

The proposal:

The sparkler cake:

And while this might not be a popular thought …… I was very proud to be living in a city where a room full of people could celebrate and encourage love. No condemnation, no judging, just simple support of love.

It was quite a night.
I’m so happy that I went, and didn’t let being alone stop me.
I smiled as I walked home.
I love this city.
Ridiculously and totally love it.
It’s not a perfect place, but no place is.
But I still love it. Faults and all.

And I’m really going to miss it during the month of May.
But hopefully I’ll love being in Texas …… and in the house that will be my home.

	mysecondplana on 18 ……
	mysecondplana on 18 ……
	Cindy Trammell on 18 ……
	Saundra on 18 ……
	Lorraine on The Lack of Touch ……

My Second Plan A

After my first Plan A ended tragically, and all too soon, I came up with my second Plan A. It took a while, but now I'm ready to live again. And live fully.