So Much Can Happen ……

In the Spirit of Getting Un-Slumped ……

…… I made myself go out today.
And buy a Christmas tree.
And decorate it.
Which didn’t take all that long since it’s the smallest Christmas tree I’ve ever had.

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I also set out a few decorations around the apartment. I only have enough to fill one box so that also didn’t take very long.

Gracie didn’t know what to think about this activity.

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I hadn’t planned on decorating this year since I won’t be here in NY for Christmas. But today I decided that maybe I should. Maybe it would help. And for the most part, it did. The only downer was …… as I was decorating the tree and listening to Christmas music …… a song called, “One More Sleep” came on. I’d never heard it before but I can tell you now that I have …… I hate it. You can find the lyrics here.

But the tree is up and though it’s small, I’m thinking that from the outside it looks like a full-sized tree. 🙂

I still have the same problems that I had yesterday, and the same thoughts. But I also know how very much God has blessed me. I’m always aware of that, even in the midst of the pit, but some days I, like everyone else I know (widowed or not), don’t have the energy to fight the waves that come at me. Especially when I’m sick. Especially in December.

Thank you to everyone for your love, encouragement and support. Sometimes I think I should just write out my feelings to get them out, and then delete them so that no one worries about me. But I think that deleting them would be a disservice to others who grieve. As much as my words help them to know they’re not alone, your words tell me that neither am I. And I love you for that.

Now I have to finish watching “The Santa Clause”, keep trying to talk to a real person about insurance (ha!), drink some Robitussin so that I don’t hack up a lung, and then wrap Gracie up in her sling and go to our therapy dog class. We had to miss a class over Thanksgiving but hopefully she’s still on track.
I’d hate to have to spend time in detention.

Even though I did find her in my bed last night like this:

425F2C02-8966-4EC6-8FA6-878777C53142

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I Love to Be Happy ……

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…… I want to be happy. I know that happiness is temporary. It comes and goes. Especially if you seek it from outside yourself.

I know all of that.
And most of the time …… now eight (8) years later (and only those who have grieved such a loss can understand the obscenity of that number) I am more happy than not.

More than that, most of the time …… now 8 years later, I have joy.
But every once in a while, sometimes when I least expect it …… sometimes when I do …… something flips the breaker and happiness and joy are suddenly gone.

I used to love this time of the year. It was my favorite season, my favorite holiday.
And now, for obvious reasons, it mostly isn’t.

But there are other reasons, too. It’s not just Jim’s death, though had he not died, I’m sure I’d still be labeling this my favorite.

One would think that December 18th would be enough to have to bear.
Wouldn’t one?
But this time of year also brings things like property tax bills, which for some unexplained reason seem to almost double every year. Unfortunately, I have the “gift” of owning more than one house. Trust me, when there’s only one of you left …… it’s not a gift.

I sold our family home this past summer. And because I felt it was the best and kindest thing to do, I carried the note.
I wish I hadn’t. It’s been nothing but a headache since and the thought of this continuing into the future makes me want to either scream or jump out of the nearest window.

And then there’s health insurance. One would think that’s an easy enough item to take care of. One would be wrong.
Because I had to turn to Obamacare after Jim died (I had a pre-existing condition), I am now stuck in the government healthcare trap. And for some reason, it’s very, very difficult to escape.
My healthcare has changed drastically for this coming year, and I have to either swallow it down and accept it, no matter how much I hate it (and I do), or I need to go through the many hoops to contact our beloved government and get cancelled through them so that I can go off on my own.
Anyone ever tried to call the government healthcare system in the month of December?
They’re going to screw me over and I’m going to have to end up accepting it.
No matter how much I hate it.

Again, if Jim were alive, this would bother me about as much as a mosquito trapped in my bedroom at night.
But when it’s just you …… and EVERYTHING is just you …… it gets to be overwhelming.
Most days I can see all of this for what it is …… just something to whine about, and yet still be grateful for all that I have.

But then there are the days that sneak up on me, and make me feel that this crap will never end. That life will never again be anything more than just dealing with shit …… all alone.

I know that I’m supposed to be happy.
I know that I’m supposed to have joy.
I know that things could be so much worse.
Believe me …… I know.

But there’s nothing I can do to stop the feelings that come.
That roll over me and threaten to smother me.
I know they won’t.
I know that, in time, I’ll be ok.
But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that there are days when I wish they could smother me.
Days when being smothered sounds easy and peaceful.

I haven’t had one of those days in a long time.
A really long time.
So maybe I’m due.
Or maybe I’m just whining.
Whatever.

It is what it is.
And it feels how it feels.
Today …… maybe just today …… hopefully just today …… the missing of him feels horrible.

He Says It Better ……

1 Reply

…… than I ever could.

(Here’s his web site: http://johnpavlovitz.com/)

Holidays and Empty Chairs
NOVEMBER 26, 2015 / JOHNDPAV

The holidays are a time for recognizing our profound fullness, of purposefully dwelling on the abundant overflow we find ourselves in and being grateful.

Our houses and our bellies bulge to capacity and we gleefully overindulge in food and friends and laughter. We fill ourselves to bursting with all the things and the people that make life glorious and make the pain bearable.

This is a season where we inventory our lives and readily acknowledge all that is good and sweet and right.

It is about celebrating presence.

But not for you. Not right now.

Though you may indeed have so many reasons to feel fortunate and to give thanks, what this season is now marked by more than anything else—is absence. Surrounded by noise and activity and life, your eyes and your heart can’t help but drift to that quiet space that now remains unoccupied: the cruel vacancy of the empty chair.

You’re not alone, friend. In fact, though they’re supposed to nurture gratitude and deposit peace within us, the holidays have a way of magnifying loss; of in the middle of all the celebration and thanksgiving, reminding us of our incompleteness.

The empty chair is different for everyone, though it is equally intrusive.

For some it is a place of a vigil; the persistent hope of a prodigal returning, of a severed tie to be repaired, of a long overdue reunion to come. It is a place of painful but patient waiting for what is unlikely, yet still possible.

For some the chair is a memorial, the stark reminder of what was and no longer is, of that which never will be again. It is a household headstone where we eulogize and grieve and remember; a face we squint to see, a hand we stretch to hold, a voice we strain to hear.

For some it is a fresh wound; the painful fallout of a brutal battle that we chose or had thrust upon us, one whose aftermath has yielded silence. It is a place of sometimes necessary but still excruciating separation.

This may be the first time the chair has been empty for you, or you may have grown quite accustomed to the subtraction. Either way, it hurts like hell and I wanted you to know that someone sees you and understands.

This would usually be the time when a writer might offer some silver lining stuff to tie everything up in pretty little bow; some closing reminders about how the empty chair is still a blessing because it reminds us that we had something worth grieving over to begin with. It’s the place where he or she would offer some concluding encouragement regarding the lessons the empty chair teaches us: about living in the moment and being thankful for what we have and growing through suffering.

I’m not going to do that. You’ll learn those lessons and acquire that wisdom and find that healing in your way and in your time—or you won’t. Life is unpredictable and messy that way.

Right now, I just want you to know that I see your waiting, your grief, and your pain, and that I wait and grieve and suffer too. In that way we all sit together in this, gathered around this same table.

Maybe that is all we can offer one another; our compassionate presence in this terrible absence.

In this season, each of us learns to have fellowship with sadness, to celebrate accompanied by sorrow.

May we each make peace with the holidays and the empty chairs.

Holidays and Empty Chairs

Thanksgiving ……

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…… was easier, and more difficult, than I expected. I had a wonderful time with 5 of my 6 children, though if you count my future son-in-law (and I do), then I had 6 out of 7.

It was nice to be back on the farm, where Jim grew up. Nice …… and difficult. But after almost 8 years …… more nice than difficult.
It was great to spend time with his two brothers, their wives and our niece. I never, ever, feel like I’m an outsider when I’m with his family. We were together almost 27 years, so that makes his family my family. And they’ve never, EVER made me feel differently.
I love them for that.

And yet …… that man has left a huge hole. And so did his mother, when she died four months after he did.
It’s not the same, of course.
But it’s still good.

So why do I always end up crying at the end of the holiday? And why do I always feel that I need to hide my tears from everyone?

Son #1 and I arrived at the farm on Wednesday evening. Son #2 and #3 were staying there with us, and with Jim’s dad. Daughters #2 & #3, Little Bit and Future Son-in-Law were staying at Jim’s youngest brother’s house. So we didn’t see them until Thanksgiving Day, when we all met up at his house.
It was so wonderful to just hang with all of them. All of us related because of Jim and because of love.

Son #3 left on Friday to head back to school for the big game that we won’t talk about.
I was sad to see him go, but I’ll see him soon in Texas.
Jim’s brother, his wife and our niece also headed back to California that day. And I was sad to see them go, but am looking forward to seeing them at the wedding in March.

The Daughters, Little Bit and Future Son-in-Law left Saturday morning. I was sad to see them go, especially since Daughter #3 and Future Son-in-Law will be spending Christmas with his family. But I’ll get to see them in NY in January, when she has her first fitting for her wedding dress.
I know!!!

Son #1 and I left Sunday morning and headed to Dallas. I was in a great mood when we left, after having a wonderful time with everyone.
But something strange happened as we entered Dallas. My heart started to crumble. And I don’t know why. The closer we got to his apartment, the sadder I felt. It wasn’t his apartment, I’m sure of that. I think it was that I was getting closer and closer to the end of the holiday/weekend. And closer to being without all of them.
And continuing to be without him.

God, I miss him so very much.
And while I can live most of my life continuing to move forward in spite of that …… there are times when that feeling of loss comes creeping up on me unexpectedly …… overwhelming me. Like it did yesterday on I-35.

It’s always hard to say goodbye to the last child I’m with. Son #1 was that lucky person. But I think I did a good job of hiding how I was feeling.
And stealthily wiping away the tears.
You tend to get good at that after almost 8 years.

I am now back in NY.
I’m glad to be here.
But I miss my family.

I miss Jim.

And I always will.

Even during the good times.
Especially during the good times.

New York in Pictures ……

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…… is usually the best way to show people New York. So I’m just going to randomly post pictures and then give you a brief description of them.

OK? It really doesn’t matter if it’s ok or not, since I’m forging ahead with them.
You can close this page now, or hang on for the ride.
Whatever floats your boat.
🙂

OK, WordPress has suddenly changed its platform and rather than drive myself crazy trying to fix this problem and separate all of these pictures, I’m just going to go with the flow.
Know that I’m not happy about it, but I’m trying to remain calm since it’s very close to bed time. 🙂

So the first two pictures are, of course, Playbills from two plays that I saw last week. The first play starts James Earl Jones and Cicely Tyson. They both do a fine job, mostly of yelling at each other, which gets a tad bit old after a while.
But let me say this: Ms. Tyson looks pretty dang fabulous for a woman who’s in her late 80’s. And I do mean FABULOUS!

The next play, “Ugly Lies the Bone” was very good, and intense, and stars Mamie Gummer (a.k.a. Meryl Streep’s daughter). She did a fantastic job. The theatre is VERY small (I’m talking small!) and so it’s a very intimate space. I recommend it. Highly.

The four very lovely pictures were taken on our field trip to the Hudson Valley. The trees were gorgeous, but my favorite spot was the rock wall that went into, and out of, the water. I thought they were beautiful pictures …… even if I do say so myself.

I took Gracie to the park last week and she didn’t know what to make out of all of the leaves that totally covered the ground. She kind of freaked out for a bit and then seemed to settle in. Of course I couldn’t resist kicking leaves up on her to cover her up …… she wasn’t sure what to think about that, but ran away from them anyway. 🙂

The next pics are of the ice skating rink in Central Park. I can’t believe how huge it is. Looks like a lot of fun!

And then there’s Billy Crystal. He and David Steinberg sat and talked for almost 2 hours. I had a front row seat, though my first seat was over on the side. The entire middle front row was empty, which Billy commented on when he came out, asking where the hell all of those people were.

I waited about 30 minutes or so, for a really good laugh, and then tried to stealthily move over to the middle section so that I could see them better. Of course, Billy had to notice and say something, which is what I feared would happen and what made me wait those 30 minutes. As soon as I sat down he looked up and said, “Where the hell have you been?! Should we start over from the beginning?!” I was a wee bit embarrassed, but happy that I’d managed to score a great seat. It was a very fun evening.

The next picture is of my dumbo puppy, looking like she’s smoking a big, fat cigar. That was the night before she started class to become a Therapy Dog. We started that class last night, and in spite of my trepidation, she did ok. I mean, we have a couple of things to work on, but she did much better than I thought she would. Oh, and she didn’t take the cigar with her.

The next two pics are for my Gamma Phi sisters. Tonight was a crescent moon, so I took two pictures. One farther away, one closer up. And I thought of each of you as I took them. 🙂

I’m not too certain what that next picture of Gracie is, but the last one was taken after we got home from her class. She was pooped. To say the least. She still seems a bit tired, but she perked up today when we went to the Park for a walk.

I’ve spent a lot of time the last few weeks volunteering at the theatre. It’s been crazy busy but nice to also work with new people and make new friends. I’m really enjoying being a part of the people there.

So that’s a description of all of those pics. You can always ask questions if you need to.

Let’s see …… what else? I’m leaving for Texas this week, to spend a few days at home there, and then driving to Oklahoma with Son #1 for Thanksgiving. All of the kids, except for Daughter #1, will be there, too. I have mixed feelings about this. I haven’t really understood why, except that this is Jim’s home, where he was born, played, worked, grew up. This is the place we went to take a breather and enjoy the peace and quiet, even before the kids were born. This was the land where we’d lie down on the grass at night and look at the stars that shone in a way they never did back in Tulsa. We both loved the farm. We loved his family. We loved being there and taking our kids there.

I think my kids still enjoy going there, but it’s more pain than joy for me. Part of me wants to just hide away during Thanksgiving, while part of me wants to be with my children. So I’ll go. I’ll swallow down the pain and focus on being happy and thankful.

When I was wondering why I was feeling this way, it occurred to me that, #1. This place was a place that I only went to with Jim. So no wonder it hurts to be there without him.

And ……

#2. The death march always starts around Thanksgiving. Even when I don’t remember, my mind and body do. And for crying out loud, I’d love for that to stop!!!

Because all it does is cause me to miss him. And miss him. And miss him. And cry. I hate crying.

In truth, it’s been a difficult couple of months, if not longer. I miss him. That’s a given. But sometimes the missing seems harder, longer and more painful. And sometimes it makes me question things I’ve always believed, always known. I’m struggling right now and would appreciate any prayers of believing friends who can spare them.

Here’s what’s going on: I don’t believe that it was God’s will that Jim would die. But yet he did. Bad things happen. Sometimes to good people. Jim was good. I wouldn’t say that I was, but he definitely was. So that wasn’t God’s will. Of course, He’s in control and He could’ve stepped in and healed Jim, but He did not. For whatever reason.

So how do I reconcile a God who lets death happen, to a God I’m supposed to praise and be thankful to when He causes good things to happen? Does He just step back and let death, carnage in Paris, thousands of refugees die? He steps back and just lets that happen? But when something good happens, that’s because He intervened and made it happen? Why would He step back for one thing and not for all things? Why would he intervene in some events but not in all?

I’m so tired of hearing things like that; of hearing how marvelous God is because he saved someone. How very hard people prayed and so God intervened. People have no idea how very much those words hurt …… no, not just hurt …… but scar people like me. Like my children.

I realize that there will be people who will believe that I shouldn’t be questioning such things. That thinking that way makes me seem “less than” a believer. I’m ok with that. Because I think it’s total B.S. to say that Christians never go through that. I believe that honest Christians do. So yes, everyone else is lying.

It’s not pretty or popular to tell everyone that you’re struggling. Especially about God. And your faith. But there you go. I am. If there’s one thing I’ve always done here, it’s tell the ugly truth. I’m struggling.

So think what you will. Condemn if you want. Pray if you can. It’s going to be a tough few weeks. Right through Christmas and New Years, most likely. Maybe not. It would be nice if it didn’t last that long. Last year was a bit better, so that’s what I’m going for.

Now I shall return to binge watching a show called, “Reign”. Since I love historical fiction, it’s indeed been a total binge watch. You can Google it or check it out on Netflix if you want to learn more about it.

Have a great week, Peeps.
❤

The Longer I Live Here ……

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…… the more I love this city.

That’s not to say that it doesn’t have its faults.
Because it does.
As does any city.

The streets are FULL of obnoxious drivers who lay on their horns …… even and especially when the cars in front of them are unable to move …… unless they want to plow through pedestrians who have the right of way.
I’m a little touchy on this. I’ve been known to give the evil eye to the horn blowers, and …… if their windows are down, ask them what the heck they expect the other drivers to do.
It’s a waste of breath and energy.
They don’t care.
I think they just like to lay on their horns.
I’m working on letting go of this one.
It’s a work in progress.

The sidewalks are full of sidewalk rage (as opposed to road rage). Not always and not everywhere. But every once in a while you look up and see a pedestrian barreling towards you and you instantly know that he/she isn’t going to tuck their shoulder in at the last minute. If you don’t tuck yours …… someone, or perhaps both of you, is going to end up with a dislocated shoulder.
I have avoided this thus far. Though I think there have been several close calls.
I think it’s the New Yorker’s way of playing “chicken”.

But these things are a small price to pay for the fun, excitement, entertainment and just plain weirdness of living in this amazing city.

I can understand most of the weird stuff. I get the sidewalk rage. I don’t get the over usage of car horns, but as I said, I’m working on letting that go.
I get the total awe of first time visitors, which makes them stop smack dab in the middle of a busy sidewalk and stare at their surroundings. Especially near Times Square where one might be bowled right over if one stops too long.
I understand how people can get lost in the Park and I try to help them as best I can.
I also get that the subways can seem seem very overwhelming to first time users, though it really doesn’t take long to understand them.

However, there is still one thing about the subways that I do NOT understand. In fact, I have yet to meet anyone here in NY who does get this particular thing.
I’ve thought about sending it in to Jimmy Fallon, or Stephen Colbert, or maybe Matt Lauer. But I’m doubtful that anyone can explain this extraordinarily bizarre item.

This is it:

This is a sign that you can find inside most subway cars, stating the emergency instructions. It tells you what to do in case of, 1. Fire, 2. Medical Emergency, 3. If you need the Police, and 4. If you need to evacuate the car.

If you’re like any good New Yorker, or a so-so visitor, you read these signs so that you’ll know what to do, or not do, in the event that an emergency happens while you’re lucky enough to be riding the subway.

Go ahead and read through the instructions.
I’ll wait.
Don’t worry …… I’ll catch up on Fallon while I’m waiting.

Done? It doesn’t really take that long to read through them.
Did you notice a prevailing theme throughout these instructions?
There were two.

First of all, above all else, no matter what happens, or who’s attacking you, or what weapons are present, or even who’s on board (like say, the President of the United States …… and yes, I know that’s highly unlikely), or for any reason WHATSOEVER …… do NOT PULL THE EMERGENCY CORD.
No way.
No how.
No matter how much carnage is in the car.
Or how high the water level gets.
Or how hot the fire roars.
Or how many people are having heart attacks.
Or how many people claim to be suicide bombers.

Do NOT, EVER, EVER,EVER, pull that cord.
And, although you can’t see it in this picture …… the emergency cord is just above this sign.
In every car.

Which begs the question …… what in the hell is the cord for?!

The instructions also tell you to notify a crew member if any of these scenarios occur.
Which might lead you to believe that there are crew members floating all over the place in the subway cars.
You would be wrong to believe that.
Dead wrong.
Excuse the dark humor there.
🙂

I’ve only noted one crew member on any train. And he/she is the person in charge of driving it. All alone in their little cubicle, somewhere in the middle of the train.
So good luck with letting one of them know that the car you’re riding in has suddenly become combustible.
Or loaded with a suspicious white powder.
Or gang bangers.
(I’m kidding! There are no gang bangers in NY!) 🙂

If you’ve never been to NY, please come visit this amazing city.
There’s more to do and see than you’ll most likely have time for.
Transportation is easier than you think.
Make yourself at home.
Don’t be afraid to ask for directions/help.
Don’t be afraid to eat off of the many food carts around the city.
You can feel totally safe in Central Park.
And Times Square.
Even at night.

Enjoy every part of the city.

Just make sure that you DO NOT, EVER, NEVER, NO WAY, NO HOW, NO MATTER WHAT ……
pull the subway emergency cord.

I think, that if you can figure out what the role of the emergency cord actually is …… you might win a key to the city.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

I’m not sure about that.

There’s a lot I’m not sure of.

Pulling the emergency cord is not one of those things.
Don’t even think about it.

If I ever get up the nerve to pull it, I’ll let you know what happens.
🙂

On The Way Home From Church ……

Halloween ……

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…… in New York City is a wee bit different than most places.

First of all, there are apartment buildings instead of houses. And there are retail shops instead of homes. Most of the the shops and restaurants give out candy. I’m guessing the better the restaurant, the better the candy.
Of course that’s only a guess.

There’s a street near me that’s blocked off to all traffic so that children can go trick or treating safely. And with tons of fun. The stoops of the apartment buildings are decorated. Adults stand outside of them, in full costume, and hand out candy. The streets are crowded …… and full of amazingly costumed children/adults/pets. Gracie seemed to be one of the best dressed dogs. Not because I thought so (because I didn’t) …… but based on the comments of passer-bys and the tons of people who asked if they could take her picture. Go figure.

This is the start/welcoming point of the NY Marathon, which starts tomorrow morning and locks all of us who live in this area into our apartments. Seriously. Our buildings will be surrounded by police/security/cement blocks and all leaving/arriving is frowned upon. Until after the marathon. Sounds like a good day to sleep in, right? 🙂

People lined up outside of apartment buildings to get their candy:

This little one was a subway car. His parents did a great job on it!!

My precious Gamma Phi Lady Bug:

The street continued to be blocked off on the other side of the intersection.

We wandered around for a couple of hours. It was fun to watch all of the wee ones and their families. Sometimes, it was also bitter sweet. I’m sure it feels that way for all parents of grown children. Not just those of us with dead spouses. But it was nice to re-live the fun memories.

Evidently those two hours just plain wore out my lady bug:

This is her, passed out cold next to me as I type this.

I went to a show today called, “China Doll”. The following pictures will tell you who starred in it:

Yep, Al Pacino. Yes, THAT Al Pacino.

I’d love to tell you that it was an amazing show and that he did a wonderful job. However.

It seems to me that Mr. Pacino (how’s that for respect?!) plays the same part now, no matter the vehicle. A stuttering, bumbling, old man who doesn’t appear to be able to remember his lines. It was disappointing, to say the least. But …… it was Al Pacino.
So there’s that.

Anyway, it was something to do.
Tomorrow I’m going to see Bruce Willis in “Misery”. You know, that horrific Stephen King story that starred Kathy Bates and James Caan in the movie (which I’ve never seen).
I’m not really looking forward to the story, but hopefully Bruce and Laurie Metcalf (Roseanne’s sister on “Roseanne”) will do a good job.

In between all of that I’m trying to catch up with “Scandal”. Which involves re-watching some of the episodes I’ve already seen because I can’t always remember which ones I’ve watched.
Growing old sucks.

I hope you all have a fun and safe Halloween.
🙂

Thank You ……

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…… to those of you who understood.
Or tried to understand.
My last post.

It was nice not to have to read the “judgey” posts that some people have written in the past.
No judgement is needed.
At least, not in my opinion.

I write what I write …… because it’s inside of me and I need to get it out.
Yes, I could write it down ……. and then delete it. But I don’t believe that’s what I’m called to do.
I write it down …… and publish it …… because there are so many others out there who feel what I feel.
And so we connect.
This is my calling.
It certainly won’t change anything.

Jim is dead.
I know he’s dead.
I know he’s never coming back.
No matter what I want.
No matter what I wish for.
He’s dead.

Someone asked me this yesterday: “Are you still grieving?”
I was a bit surprised by that question.
I answered truthfully.
“Yes, I will always grieve for him. Always.”
But I’m no longer in the dark, cold, all-consuming grief that once was.
Thankfully.

His death no longer occupies my every waking moment, my every thought, my every breath.
But I will grieve for him until my last dying breath.
This I know.
And this I can live with.

But my days, my life, are not consumed by my grief.
I continue to live.
I continue to find joy.
With grief in the background.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching lately.
Truthfully, it hasn’t been a difficult job.
Before I continue with this post, I need to tell you that I am not writing this as a “woe is me” post. I’m not looking for sympathy, or a “poor you” attitude.
It is what it is.
And it’s for me to deal with.

I never took Jim for granted.
Hard to believe?
Probably.
But if you were to read through all of my journals …… you’d see that it’s true.
I always thanked God for giving Jim to me.
Always.
I never took him for granted.

And now, I know why.

I never, ever felt good enough to have married him.
I never, ever felt that I deserved him.
Ever.

I have no idea why …… I wonder if anyone ever knows …… why they feel so undeserving.
But I did.
I’ve never felt that I was “good enough”.
And I certainly never felt “good enough” for Jim.
Never.

I was so thankful for him. For the gift of him. To be his wife.
No, we didn’t always agree on everything, nor did we always get along on certain points.
But we moved past that.
Always.

And I was always so thankful that he was in my life.
I was thankful for our beautiful, wonderful six children.
But more so, for him.

So when he died …… it almost made sense.
I was never good enough.
And that finally caught up with me.

I didn’t deserve him.
And so he died.
I finally got what I deserved.

So here I am.
Living life without him.
Not the life I wanted.
Not the life I’d planned.
But the life I deserve.

And now I have to navigate this road that tells me that God does indeed love me, but on which I feel most unloved.
I have to move past these feelings of being unloved, undeserving.
And I hope that I will.
I’m trying.

It’s easy enough to say, “God loves me”.
It’s all together different to really embrace it.
It’s a work in progress.

I am a work in progress.
I don’t think I’m the only one.
So to those of you who find yourself on this path …… hopefully we can navigate it together.

My mind knows that I’m good enough ……in God’s eyes.
My heart just needs to catch up.

	mysecondplana on 18 ……
	mysecondplana on 18 ……
	Cindy Trammell on 18 ……
	Saundra on 18 ……
	Lorraine on The Lack of Touch ……

My Second Plan A

After my first Plan A ended tragically, and all too soon, I came up with my second Plan A. It took a while, but now I'm ready to live again. And live fully.

So Much Can Happen ……

In the Spirit of Getting Un-Slumped ……

I Love to Be Happy ……

He Says It Better ……

Thanksgiving ……

New York in Pictures ……

The Longer I Live Here ……

On The Way Home From Church ……

Halloween ……

Thank You ……