…… I made myself go out today.
And buy a Christmas tree.
And decorate it.
Which didn’t take all that long since it’s the smallest Christmas tree I’ve ever had.
I also set out a few decorations around the apartment. I only have enough to fill one box so that also didn’t take very long.
Gracie didn’t know what to think about this activity.
I hadn’t planned on decorating this year since I won’t be here in NY for Christmas. But today I decided that maybe I should. Maybe it would help. And for the most part, it did. The only downer was …… as I was decorating the tree and listening to Christmas music …… a song called, “One More Sleep” came on. I’d never heard it before but I can tell you now that I have …… I hate it. You can find the lyrics here.
But the tree is up and though it’s small, I’m thinking that from the outside it looks like a full-sized tree. 🙂
I still have the same problems that I had yesterday, and the same thoughts. But I also know how very much God has blessed me. I’m always aware of that, even in the midst of the pit, but some days I, like everyone else I know (widowed or not), don’t have the energy to fight the waves that come at me. Especially when I’m sick. Especially in December.
Thank you to everyone for your love, encouragement and support. Sometimes I think I should just write out my feelings to get them out, and then delete them so that no one worries about me. But I think that deleting them would be a disservice to others who grieve. As much as my words help them to know they’re not alone, your words tell me that neither am I. And I love you for that.
Now I have to finish watching “The Santa Clause”, keep trying to talk to a real person about insurance (ha!), drink some Robitussin so that I don’t hack up a lung, and then wrap Gracie up in her sling and go to our therapy dog class. We had to miss a class over Thanksgiving but hopefully she’s still on track.
I’d hate to have to spend time in detention.
Even though I did find her in my bed last night like this:
My Second Plan A 
I looked at your tree and I said, “maybe.” I got out the ornaments a couple weeks ago- to make sure they really were here 4 years after our move. This is the tenth Christmas without my mom and I feel like I need to make the effort- it was always OUR holiday. She and I loved it and went all out. I haven’t done a tree since the year before she died. But a tiny tree like that? Maybe I can do that. Thank you.
Chris, Thank you so much for writing. Your words warmed my heart tonight, so thank you again.
We truly aren’t alone.
P.S. Now that it’s dark outside and I have all of the lights off except for the tree’s, I’m very glad I put it up. 🙂
I’m so glad Janine, I often feel like maybe I shouldn’t comment- My husband is right here napping next to me, but then again…grief. And I’m definitely grieving. But, I am so glad to hear you’re glad you put it up. It was a challenge but I did it. I got a tree today. Big brave baby step. LOL. Enjoy the lights- I’m sure hoping I shall once it’s dark here- and once it is it’s staying that way because we have a storm coming. 🙂 Thanks for the motivation!
❤💔❤
Thank you for the encouragement! You were right! I AM enjoying my little tree- and it’s the first time my little Luna (a Westie, who we got after our Gracie passed) has seen a Christmas tree. Oh my is she ever enchanted by this tree which is just barely out of her reach but she says it smells SO GOOD! And, I smile every time I see her sitting under it. Quite a bit under it since I have it on a table, but thank you- you were right! ❤ ❤ ❤
Oh, Chris!! I’m so glad you did it and are enjoying i!!! One step at a time!! I’ll be thinking of you now when I sit and watch the lights on my tree at night. ❤