…… I want to be happy. I know that happiness is temporary. It comes and goes. Especially if you seek it from outside yourself.
I know all of that.
And most of the time …… now eight (8) years later (and only those who have grieved such a loss can understand the obscenity of that number) I am more happy than not.
More than that, most of the time …… now 8 years later, I have joy.
But every once in a while, sometimes when I least expect it …… sometimes when I do …… something flips the breaker and happiness and joy are suddenly gone.
I used to love this time of the year. It was my favorite season, my favorite holiday.
And now, for obvious reasons, it mostly isn’t.
But there are other reasons, too. It’s not just Jim’s death, though had he not died, I’m sure I’d still be labeling this my favorite.
One would think that December 18th would be enough to have to bear.
But this time of year also brings things like property tax bills, which for some unexplained reason seem to almost double every year. Unfortunately, I have the “gift” of owning more than one house. Trust me, when there’s only one of you left …… it’s not a gift.
I sold our family home this past summer. And because I felt it was the best and kindest thing to do, I carried the note.
I wish I hadn’t. It’s been nothing but a headache since and the thought of this continuing into the future makes me want to either scream or jump out of the nearest window.
And then there’s health insurance. One would think that’s an easy enough item to take care of. One would be wrong.
Because I had to turn to Obamacare after Jim died (I had a pre-existing condition), I am now stuck in the government healthcare trap. And for some reason, it’s very, very difficult to escape.
My healthcare has changed drastically for this coming year, and I have to either swallow it down and accept it, no matter how much I hate it (and I do), or I need to go through the many hoops to contact our beloved government and get cancelled through them so that I can go off on my own.
Anyone ever tried to call the government healthcare system in the month of December?
They’re going to screw me over and I’m going to have to end up accepting it.
No matter how much I hate it.
Again, if Jim were alive, this would bother me about as much as a mosquito trapped in my bedroom at night.
But when it’s just you …… and EVERYTHING is just you …… it gets to be overwhelming.
Most days I can see all of this for what it is …… just something to whine about, and yet still be grateful for all that I have.
But then there are the days that sneak up on me, and make me feel that this crap will never end. That life will never again be anything more than just dealing with shit …… all alone.
I know that I’m supposed to be happy.
I know that I’m supposed to have joy.
I know that things could be so much worse.
Believe me …… I know.
But there’s nothing I can do to stop the feelings that come.
That roll over me and threaten to smother me.
I know they won’t.
I know that, in time, I’ll be ok.
But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that there are days when I wish they could smother me.
Days when being smothered sounds easy and peaceful.
I haven’t had one of those days in a long time.
A really long time.
So maybe I’m due.
Or maybe I’m just whining.
It is what it is.
And it feels how it feels.
Today …… maybe just today …… hopefully just today …… the missing of him feels horrible.