Category Archives: widowed

Lessons Learned ……

This Is Not the Post ……

…… I thought I’d write tonight.

But things change, and sometimes change quickly.

Tonight I went to see the Broadway musical, “If, Then”, starring Idena Menzel.
It was wonderful …… but ……

Why does it seem there always must be a “but”?

I really did love this show and would highly recommend it …… to most people.
However (and here’s the “but”) …… I wouldn’t recommend it for anyone who’s still rawly widowed.
Those of you who are widowed know exactly what that means.

Fortunately, for me, I’m no longer living in the rawness.
And yet I still had to struggle to maintain control and just cry softly …… rather than cry the ugly cry.
And you know exactly what that means, too.

If you are still existing in the raw, go no further. Close this page and maybe come to it later.
For the rest of you, here’s the song that did me in. Well, it’s the first song of a few.
I love it …… and I hate it.
Because I get it.
And I wish I didn’t.

I wish I could’ve found a better video, but the only one was of her on The Today Show last week.
The first song is the song I’m referring to.

It says so much.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll post the funny post I had in my head.
But tonight, you get this.

Hopefully you’ll tell me what you think.

Now, THAT ……

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…… was a blast.

I just got home from attending “Drunk Shakespeare”. And it was SO much fun.
I received an email about it yesterday. And a discount code. So I decided to go. I may have to go again.
And again.

They’ve been doing it for 3 weeks and the regular priced ticket is only $30. I only paid $14. Pretty good deal, right?

It’s a company of about 2 girls and 3 guys and they perform this in a bar down on 44th. A pretty decent bar. Upstairs.

They take turns choosing one of them to be the one who has to do shots, and bigger servings, at the whim of the audience.
It was hilarious.
Tonight they performed “Macbeth”.
And all things considered, they did a great job.
And they were hilarious.

Here are some pics from the evening:

This is me, in the mirror.

This is the guy who had to drink. Obviously.

I thoroughly enjoyed myself and highly recommend it.

Afterwards, the guy who sat next to me asked me if I wanted to go downstairs and have a drink.
I respectfully declined. He was very nice and was in NY for business and is returning to England on Thursday.
But I had 3 (small) margaritas over the two hour performance, so I decided that I didn’t need anything else to drink.
That, and I have barre class early in the morning.

The weather did a bizarre turn today.
Yesterday it was beautiful and around 70.
At this moment it’s 35 and snowing.
Yes, snowing.
And hour ago it was 45 and raining.
Go figure.

Yesterday it looked and felt like spring.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll be taking pictures of snow angels.
Ha!

Actually, I’ll be too busy to take many pictures.
I have barre class, then have to rush home and get ready for our monthly book club meeting, then leave that early to go with a group to see a play, “The Realistic Joneses”. I don’t know much about it, except that Toni Collette is in it and it got a great review in The Times.
(I try not to read too much about any show I’m going to see …… it seems to work better that way. Except for “Spiderman”. I should’ve TOTALLY read the reviews on that.)

Then tomorrow evening I’m going to see Idina Menzel’s new show, “If Then”.
Otherwise known as Adele Dazeem to John Travolta.

Writing all of that just made me realize that I need to go to bed.
Like now.

See ya later.
🙂

Another Week ……

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…… in pictures.

It was a great week. As most of them are, here in NY.
There is ALWAYS something to do.
And there are ALWAYS free things to do.
Whoop!

So, my friend Kelley scored two comp tickets to see the comedienne Elayne Boosler. And she invited me to go with her. She and Elayne are friends and I was thrilled to go with her. I’ve liked Elayne for eons! Or so it seems.
It was a great evening. Elayne was hilarious, as I expected, and she was also very, very nice. We hung out until most of the crowd was gone so that she and Kelley could talk.
And take pictures, of course.
I thoroughly enjoyed the evening.
And now Elayne and I are friends on Face Book.
WHOOP!!!!
This is Elayne with Joy Behar. They’re good friends.

This is Elayne with Kelley and me. 🙂

I signed up for a free walking tour of Greenwich Village earlier this week. The following pics are from that day. It was a lot of fun and VERY interesting!

This was the building that housed medical services for the hired help back in the day. That class of folks couldn’t afford to go to ordinary doctors, so this was a place where they could go and be treated.
It later became a dental office building, but now it sits empty. That’s because the original deed states that it has to be used as a building that offers public services and the building needs so much updating that no one wants to buy it.

I took this picture so that you could see that this building is built in the shape of a triangle. If you look through these windows, you can see through the windows on the opposite side of the building.
There are quite a few triangle-shaped buildings in Greenwich.

This is a building that connects to an underground tunnel, which was used for the Underground Railroad surrounding the Civil War.

See that door down there? That door leads to a tunnel that runs under the street and up a ways. So very cool.

This is the only wooden house left in NYC:

This is the building where the girls lived on “Friends”. Recognize it?

This is the coffee shop on the first floor of the building that the “friends” sat in all of the time.
Only it’s not really a coffee shop. And it’s not called Central Perk. It’s a nice restaurant that takes weeks to get in to.

This is the smallest house in NYC.

It’s 8 feet wide, on the outside, and 30 feet long. And the address is 7 !/2 (I think).
There are now quite a few 1/2 addresses.
This is one of them, but the actual apartment/building, is behind these buildings. So you go through this door and enter a courtyard, and then see the building.

And yet another 1/2 residence. Or the door that leads to it:

This is a cafe/bar where Jimi Hendrix and many other singers of the 60’s hung out and sang. Cafe Wha …. google it.

This is in Washington Square Park. If you saw “Chasing Bobby Fischer” then you’ll recognize the area where people sit and play chess. All day long. Players sit there and charge $60 an hour for you to play with them. When we were walking by I spotted this little guy playing. He looked all of 4 years old. And was very, very good:

One side of the park is projects …… home for the poor.

The other side of the park has homes that were once single family homes …… for the very rich.
Quite a difference …… from one side to the other.

These are statues of George Washington …… on each side of the arch:

And these two pics are from outside the arch, where Sally dropped off Harry when they drove to NY in “When Harry Met Sally”:

And these pics of of my spoiled cat, Oliver, who was very glad to see me when I got back from Florida and Houston:

These pictures are of Faberge eggs that have been “hidden” all over NYC. There’s a contest to find all of them, and they’re selling small versions of the eggs.
I didn’t enter the contest, but saw several of these amazing eggs.

This one was made out of money. You know, bills.

This egg was very cool. It’s a globe, and it looks like it’s made of very small pieces of egg shells. Lots and lots of egg shell pieces:

My friend Jeni and I went to see this show Wednesday. This was a stretch for me because we didn’t have tickets. We just walked to the theatre and asked if they had any tickets left for the 2:00 matinee (we got there at 1:30). This is how she likes to see Broadway shows. Me? Not so much. I like to make sure I have a good seat. And a ticket.
But it totally worked, and we got the most amazing seats. We had no idea that they sold tickets for actually sitting on the stage. The play takes place in a club, where Billie Holiday is singing. So they had several tables on the stage. If you had tickets there you also got champagne.
Score!!!
Audra McDonald played Billie Holiday and she was amazing. If you don’t know who she is, Google her.
She’s wonderful!

Last night I went to one of those “Wine and Painting classes”. I’d never been to one before but it was so much fun! A friend went with me and we had a great time. And we also came home with some pretty neat paintings. 🙂

OK, that was pretty much my week.
Today I did laundry, ran errands, and packed to head to Oklahoma tomorrow.
I’m going to hang out with Son #3 because it’s Mom’s Weekend at OSU. I can’t believe that I’m old enough to go to a Mom’s Weekend. I have great memories of my mom coming to Mom’s Weekend when I was there. It seems incredible that enough time has passed for me to be doing this.
But I am.
And I’m going to hang out with Vicki and just enjoy being in Ok.
I’m also going to visit Jim’s dad, because his birthday is next week. Daughter #2 and Son #1 are driving up from TX to join Son #3 and me at the farm. Hopefully this will be a surprise for my father-in-law. I think he’ll expect Son #3, but not the rest of us.
I’m looking forward to spending time with him.
And there.
Even though it’s a very bitter-sweet place for me.
For all of us.

The house stuff seems to be moving along, so it looks like I’ll close on the new one May 1st. I plan to be in TX for most of the month of May …… to close and get moved in.
Now I just need my current house to sell.

I’m really looking forward to moving into this house.
A new house …… for new experiences. A house that will be mine. A home in which to make new memories.
I have no doubt that it will be heart and gut wrenching to finally move out of our current home.
I have such mixed feelings about that.
On the one hand, I can’t wait to walk away from that house.

On the other hand, it will be another kind of grief to leave behind a home that holds so many memories.
Nothing is ever easy.
But it’s time.

Have a great weekend, Peeps.
I know I will.
🙂

Sometimes a Project ……

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…… doesn’t quite go the way you hoped.

I’ve had a project in mind for a couple of years. Today I decided to sit down and start it. I’m not going to say what it is, but it involves looking up lots of older pictures.
Pictures of Jim.

Last time I went to Houston I packed up a few external hard drives to bring to NY so that I could start.
This afternoon I started going through the pictures.
I didn’t get very far.

I’m really not sure why.
I’ve looked at pictures before.
But I guess, in retrospect, I haven’t really looked at them. The ones I’ve spent the most time looking at are those of Jim before I knew him.
Like his baby pictures, toddler pictures and teenage pictures.
I love them.
And I can look at them for quite a while.
So I didn’t think twice about looking at “our” pictures.

The feeling of sadness slowly draped over me. My nose started to tingle/burn as tears kept trying to form. I refused to let them come.
Instead, I stopped looking.

I was/am surprised by this reaction.
I’m hoping that this is just something that hit me today, and won’t hit me tomorrow.

I don’t like feeling sad …… feeling like I can’t control my reaction to something.
But, on the flip side, feeling like this right now …… makes me feel grateful that it only happens once in a while …… and not all day long, every single day, the way it used to.

I’ll try again tomorrow.
If it doesn’t work …… well, I guess this project has been on the back burner this long …… what difference does another year make?

Breaking News ……

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…… or not.
It’s actually more like the Daily Demented, or the Certifiable Citizen, or maybe The National Enquirer.

Today, for the second time in my life, I received …… wait for it …… wait for it …… a proposal.
Seriously.
Here it is:

Will you marry me
Regards

See? How can one convey the love, the passion, nay …… the gravity of that question, but with …… “Regards”?

I’ve had a couple of hours to ponder this ~~lunatic’s~~ lovely man’s proposition, and I’m afraid I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just not ready for marriage.
Yet.
Who knows? Maybe if he asks again in 6 months, or 30 years, I might feel otherwise.
But for now, I’m humbled …… and laughing uncontrollably.

I was busy counting all of the “I want to know you more better” messages today, so this one caught me by surprise.

Do you see what I have to deal with???!!!

And you thought I was just kidding when I used the term “cray-cray”.
Now you know better.

In news unrelated to my dating/requests of marriage life …… I’m still hitting the barre, but it’s no longer kicking my butt …… most of the time. It still has its moments.
Today a woman who was next to me during the class, turned to me after it was over (and I was dripping with sweat), and asked me …… oh, so naively, “Does this ever get easier?!”. To which I replied, “No, not really.”
After seeing her crestfallen face I did clarify my answer and told her that she would get stronger and be able to hang in there better, but as for easier?
Not so much.

I went to Harlem today for my volunteer stint. Those kids (ages 3-5) are so freakin’ hilarious. Except for one. Who whines and cries at the drop of a hat.
Every single day.
All day long, according to his teachers.
Who, in my opinion, are saints.
I only have to deal with him for an hour. Which is really a good thing for him.
I don’t know what goes on at home, but he gets upset over the tiniest thing, and then points at what he wants and talks “baby talk”. And cries. Loudly.
That kid works on my last nerve.
Today I told him that, as long as he cried and talked like a baby, I couldn’t help him.
Which didn’t seem to matter to him …… for a minute or so.
Then he stopped crying, got a tissue and blew his nose (is “blew” even a word??), and then proceeded to try to tell me what he wanted.
I’ve never seen a preschooler act so helpless. Most of them are almost defiant in trying to do things themselves.
This kid is going to make some woman a miserable wife.

Tonight I went to see “Bullets Over Broadway”, which starred Zach Braff. You know, the guy from “Scrubs”.
Woody Allen wrote the play.
And the movie, which I remember seeing years ago, with Jim.
I didn’t care for it all that much.

So I didn’t have high hopes for the musical.
It was entertaining, I guess. But not a “I’ve GOT to see that!” show.
Even though I was in the second row.
Center.
So I was about 5 feet from Zach.
Thankfully he didn’t spit when he spoke.

It’s time for me to go to bed.
I have barre class again in the morning.
It’s definitely a love/hate relationship.
I hate having to drag myself there, but I love being done with it.
I’m truly conflicted.

I’m totally psyched for the weekend.
Because Saturday night I’m going with my friend Kelley to see Elayne Boosler!
Kelley is a friend of hers and Elayne gave her two tickets to the show. And she asked me to be her date. Whoop!!
If you’re too young to know who Elayne Boosler is, then I have to, once again, ask …..
what are you doing here?!!!

OK. I need to hit the hay.
And ponder how to gently let down the guy who proposed to me.

Oh, who am I kidding?! I’m not going to gently let him down!! I’ll probably just delete his message and pretend I never received it.
Or message him back with a, “Yes!! When and where??!!!”
That should make him think twice.
Or six times.

Adios, Peeps.
Have a great weekend.
🙂

How to Spot a Dating Site Scammer ……

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…… in one easy ~~lesson~~ post.

In the last 24 hours I have received about 6 “Hello” messages on OK Cupid. At least four of them are from fakers/scammers/people who most likely do not live in this country.
But I’ll let you be the judge of that.

I will tell you, with some knowledge, that this is getting very tiresome.
But, on the bright side, I thought I’d choose two of them to post as examples of what to look for …… should you ever, EVER find yourself on a free dating site.
The old adage, “You get what you pay for” never rang so true.

Here is Example #1.
(You might want to have a barf bag handy.)

Wow you look very radiant like the morning sky,i really appreciate God for a wonderful creature like you.you are like a gift from God , seeing you has really made me to forget to ask how u are doing. Well let me not be carried away by your beauty, I must tell you the truth you are among the wonders of God’s creature.i will be very glad if i can get to know you more better.Meeting with you will be my first joy, please it will gladden my heart by giving me a response. please do include your email address or cell phone number, when reply so we could start by chatting…You are beautiful, Cheers up till i hear from

Yep, that’s how it ended. I didn’t crop anything.
(I’d like to crop something, but that’s a whole ‘nother post.)

I know what you’re thinking.
How could this guy know, from just my picture, that I am among the wonders of God’s creature?
It must have been all the radiance shining through that picture of me, on the top of a mountain in Oregon, wearing sunglasses and standing far from the camera.
My radiance is hard to contain.
It’s a gift.
And a curse.

When you’re done with your gagging/retching/spit-takes, you may proceed to Example #2:

Hello how are you doing ,I just saw your profile and i couldn’t resist to send you a message am so sorry if this got you upset, will i just did some criteria search for singles Women and felt your photo was interesting and profile,i will really be happy if you can write me back on my Cell Phone to know my hope in you thanks >>>>>>>XXX) XXX)-XXXX.

This guy’s hope in me is going to be dashed.
And please note that I’m not totally heartless …… I put X’s where his phone number was (but I didn’t take out the parentheses or the 8 or so greater than symbols).
Don’t ask.
I have no idea.

I’m really struggling to not delete my info from this web site.
I am getting very tired of having to wade through these types of messages,
but you guys …… this is comedy/blog gold! I’m really going to have to incorporate this into a stand up routine.
I’ll keep you posted.

In the mean time …… I interrupt this program for a moment of advertising. I can do that because it’s my blog. 🙂
If you or anyone you know would be interested in purchasing this:

or this:

let me know.
The first picture is, as you can see, a pool table, but it’s also an air hockey table and it’s VERY heavy duty.
Emphasis on heavy.
It’s not one of those cheap tables.

The second picture is of a NordicTrak E500.
It’s in perfect condition and is a great all-in-one workout item.
I won’t have room for them in a smaller house.

Speaking of a smaller house, things are proceeding. The inspections are done and most of the paperwork is signed and in place. Of course, nothing is truly settled until every T is crossed on closing day, so I’m still in a “we shall see” mode.
I’ve found that a pretty good place to be most of the time.

That’s it for today.
I’ll keep mining for comedy/blog gold …… just to keep you all entertained.
And as always …… you’re welcome.
🙂

A Totally Hilarious, Yet Also Horrifying ……

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…… boost to my ego.
Kind of.

But more about that later.

Thank you so much for the comments here and on Facebook about my last post. Thank you for your kind words, thoughts and prayers, and most of all, love.
I am so grateful that I am surrounded by so much love.
Reading that post still makes me cry, but life moves forward.
And the kids and I will continue to take it one day at a time.

Speaking of life moving forward …… those of you who are involved in Soaring Spirits, or who went to Camp Widow East and attended the workshop Arnie and I led, know that I have gone back on line …… to try out the whole dating thing …… again.
Excuse me while I gag.

I hated it the first time I tried it.
I hated it after meeting a colossal fraud/scammer/widow-hunter.
I hated it when I was asked to co-lead a workshop about it.
But I decided to go back to it, so that I could perhaps be a bit more …… balanced in the workshop.
I still hated it.

I am currently on two dating sites. One that charges a fee (E-Harmony) and one that is free (OK Cupid).
I decided to stay on them for a bit longer because the workshop seemed to be a big hit and we may be doing it at Camp Widow West in July.
And maybe I’d have more to report.

Oh.
My.
Word, do I have more to report.
And it’s only been about 2 weeks since Camp.
I may have to lead a week-long seminar.

Here’s what I have to say about MY experience with E-Harmony:
It sucks.
Totally and 100%.
Now, I have to tell you that I know of a number of widows (my dear friends) who met their current husbands on that site.
Evidently, E-Harmony hates me.
The feeling is mutual.

I have not met one single person on that site.
Oh sure, they send me “matches” every day or so, but not once has anyone contacted me.
I feel completely invisible on that site.
And I’ve gone out of my comfort zone and sent “smiles” to several men (excuse me while I hurl.)
Yes, I’ve made the first move several times.
Nothing.
Nada.
Zero.
Zilch.
E-Harmony is dead to me.

And then there’s OK Cupid.
Where I’ve not only recognized, but reported and scared off 2 (TWO) scammers.
Oh, yeah …… I’m the Immigration of OK Cupid.

In all fairness, I have to tell you that it’s not that difficult to spot most scammers. All it takes is a mediocre grasp of the English language. Like verb tenses. And a few participles.
Because these scammers have no grip on them at all.

So scammer #1 sent me quite a few messages, along with a couple of pictures. He claimed to be an American-born, and NY bred, military man. With a couple of kids.
His use of the English language was something more akin to someone born in a third world country.
So I reverse searched his pictures on Google Images.
And found that the poor guy in the pictures was indeed real, but his pictures have been stolen and used over and over and over again on dating sites to scam women.
I immediately reported scammer #1.

Scammer #2? I toyed with him for about a week.
And enjoyed every moment of it.

He, of course, wanted my email address so that he could send me more pictures and I could send him some (red flag #2, after the broken English red flag). I demurred, stating that since I was so new on this site, I preferred to keep all communication there.
He went along with it, as far as I could tell, with his limited English.
After a few messages I asked him where he was born.
He said, “Ireland.”
But he grew up in NY.
Because most Irish-born people don’t know how to use the word “the” in a sentence. Give me a break.

Then he asked me what I was looking for on that site.
This is what I told him:
“I’m looking for an honest man. A man who won’t pretend that he’s someone he’s not and won’t use someone else’s pictures to try and scam a woman.”
To which he replied, “What do you mean? I do not understand what you say.”
I know.
So I replied, “There are men on this site who use a false name and post false pictures to try to meet women. It’s wrong and it’s illegal (I have no idea if it’s really illegal, but I didn’t care at that point).”
Then I asked, so innocently, “So … how long have you lived in America and do you like it?” (Add a flutter of the eyelashes here.)
Here’s his reply: “Are you one of these people? I have not hear of this. You know much about this.”
Too.
Much.
Fun.
This morning, when I saw that last reply, I went on line, trying to think of an amazing come-back. But alas, I found that his picture was gone.
And his account had been deleted.
I know!!!
I totally rocked on that. 🙂

In other OK Cupid news, I went on a date Thursday night.
There will be no second.
I knew that the moment I was telling him about my hip surgery. I can’t remember how that topic came up, but it did. He asked when it had happened. I used one of my major time frame references and said, “It was two years after my husband died.” He then stopped me abruptly by saying, “Wait. Wait. That’s the second time that you’ve said “My husband died”. You don’t need to say it again.”
I.
Know.

He left to go to the restroom and I fought myself, biting my cheek and digging my fingernails into my palms, to not cry and not throw something in fury.
In a minute amount of fairness, during our previous phone calls, he had said that he didn’t date widows because the one time he had, the woman had spent the whole time saying, “My husband and I ate there. That’s where my husband proposed to me. My husband worked there. My husband and I used to go there a lot.”
And I get that. I really do.
That woman was not ready to date.
But I didn’t do that.
To me, Jim’s death is a total time reference. Much the way the births of my children are.
After he said that I did ask him if he was threatened by a dead husband. I said that, yes, I had a husband who I loved, but he’s not in competition with anyone. He’s dead. DEAD.
That’s when he went to the rest room.
And that’s when I knew there wouldn’t be a second date.
He texted me today and I answered him curtly.
He’s not totally stupid.
He hasn’t texted or called again.

So there you go.
Don’t be jealous.

And now, as for the title of this post …… I’m mostly speechless.

I received an email last night from OK Cupid.
I was so speechless that I took a screen shot of it.
Which I now share with you.
Buckle your seat belt.

I know …… it’s too small for you to read. You can click on it and then read it …… or you can read this:

We just detected that you’re now among the most attractive people on OkCupid.

We learned this from clicks to your profile and reactions to you in Quickmatch and Quiver. Did you get a new haircut or something?
Well, it’s working!

To celebrate, we’ve adjusted your OkCupid experience:

You’ll see more attractive people in your match results.

This won’t affect your match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match’s answers. But we’ll recommend more attractive people to you. You’ll also appear more often to other attractive people.

Sign in to see your newly-shuffled matches. Have fun, and don’t let this go to your head.

Ummmm, yeah. Hilarious. Ego-boosting. And horrifying.
All at the same time.

So I guess I’ve been getting the dregs of their matches.
Until now.
Now that I’m incredibly popular.
Which, for me, begs the question: How horrible are the rest of the women on this site??!!!!!??

And no, I don’t think I’m a total dog, but I hold no illusions about the facts of age and gravity and their impact on a 50+ year old woman.

All that to say, if you’re a single, semi-attractive woman under the age of 45 or so, you should TOTALLY be on this site!!!! You will own it!!!

I’ll leave you with that.
I’m tired.
And I have to get up for barre class in the morning.
And maybe dream about all of the “attractive matches” I’m now going to receive.
Excuse me while I gag, hurl and laugh hysterically.
All at the same time.

🙂

A Very, Very ……

Ten Newly Discovered ……

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…… great things about living where it’s cold in the winter.
Like, freezing cold.

1. You never have to worry about putting ice in your water bottle. The water gets very cold, very fast as you
walk outside.
2. Hot flashes don’t last nearly as long in 20-degree weather.
3. Cute sweaters!
4. There are very few people standing outside smoking.
5. No disgusting humidity.
6. Cute boots!
7. Your sinuses tend to stay clearer when your nose runs.
8. Hot chocolate/apple cider.
9. Cute scarves!

And the number 10 great thing about living where it’s freezing cold in the winter:

10. Snow angels!!!!!!

🙂

	mysecondplana on 18 ……
	mysecondplana on 18 ……
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My Second Plan A

After my first Plan A ended tragically, and all too soon, I came up with my second Plan A. It took a while, but now I'm ready to live again. And live fully.