…… doesn’t quite go the way you hoped.
I’ve had a project in mind for a couple of years. Today I decided to sit down and start it. I’m not going to say what it is, but it involves looking up lots of older pictures.
Pictures of Jim.
Last time I went to Houston I packed up a few external hard drives to bring to NY so that I could start.
This afternoon I started going through the pictures.
I didn’t get very far.
I’m really not sure why.
I’ve looked at pictures before.
But I guess, in retrospect, I haven’t really looked at them. The ones I’ve spent the most time looking at are those of Jim before I knew him.
Like his baby pictures, toddler pictures and teenage pictures.
I love them.
And I can look at them for quite a while.
So I didn’t think twice about looking at “our” pictures.
The feeling of sadness slowly draped over me. My nose started to tingle/burn as tears kept trying to form. I refused to let them come.
Instead, I stopped looking.
I was/am surprised by this reaction.
I’m hoping that this is just something that hit me today, and won’t hit me tomorrow.
I don’t like feeling sad …… feeling like I can’t control my reaction to something.
But, on the flip side, feeling like this right now …… makes me feel grateful that it only happens once in a while …… and not all day long, every single day, the way it used to.
I’ll try again tomorrow.
If it doesn’t work …… well, I guess this project has been on the back burner this long …… what difference does another year make?
Why not just let yourself feel whatever youre going to feel? I truly think thats the only way to get through it, is to feel it, and then eventually you wont need to feel it anymore. Eventually, THOSE pictures will become like the other ones that you CAN look at. But right now, they are raw and new and they are you and your life together, so of course thats hard. I hope your project is awesome ,as I know it will be xoxo.
Kelley – I did allow myself to feel what I was feeling. I just chose not to try and accomplish something while I was feeling it. It wasn’t going to work.
And might I add, my lovely friend, that I could ask you the very same thing. 🙂