…… doesn’t quite go the way you hoped.

I’ve had a project in mind for a couple of years. Today I decided to sit down and start it. I’m not going to say what it is, but it involves looking up lots of older pictures.
Pictures of Jim.

Last time I went to Houston I packed up a few external hard drives to bring to NY so that I could start.
This afternoon I started going through the pictures.
I didn’t get very far.

I’m really not sure why.
I’ve looked at pictures before.
But I guess, in retrospect, I haven’t really looked at them. The ones I’ve spent the most time looking at are those of Jim before I knew him.
Like his baby pictures, toddler pictures and teenage pictures.
I love them.
And I can look at them for quite a while.
So I didn’t think twice about looking at “our” pictures.

The feeling of sadness slowly draped over me. My nose started to tingle/burn as tears kept trying to form. I refused to let them come.
Instead, I stopped looking.

I was/am surprised by this reaction.
I’m hoping that this is just something that hit me today, and won’t hit me tomorrow.

I don’t like feeling sad …… feeling like I can’t control my reaction to something.
But, on the flip side, feeling like this right now …… makes me feel grateful that it only happens once in a while …… and not all day long, every single day, the way it used to.

I’ll try again tomorrow.
If it doesn’t work …… well, I guess this project has been on the back burner this long …… what difference does another year make?