Category Archives: Uncategorized

New York in Pictures ……

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…… is usually the best way to show people New York. So I’m just going to randomly post pictures and then give you a brief description of them.

OK? It really doesn’t matter if it’s ok or not, since I’m forging ahead with them.
You can close this page now, or hang on for the ride.
Whatever floats your boat.
🙂

OK, WordPress has suddenly changed its platform and rather than drive myself crazy trying to fix this problem and separate all of these pictures, I’m just going to go with the flow.
Know that I’m not happy about it, but I’m trying to remain calm since it’s very close to bed time.  🙂

So the first two pictures are, of course, Playbills from two plays that I saw last week.  The first play starts James Earl Jones and Cicely Tyson.  They both do a fine job, mostly of yelling at each other, which gets a tad bit old after a while.
But let me say this:  Ms. Tyson looks pretty dang fabulous for a woman who’s in her late 80’s.  And I do mean FABULOUS!

The next play, “Ugly Lies the Bone” was very good, and intense, and stars Mamie Gummer (a.k.a. Meryl Streep’s daughter).  She did a fantastic job.  The theatre is VERY small (I’m talking small!) and so it’s a very intimate space.  I recommend it.  Highly.

The four very lovely pictures were taken on our field trip to the Hudson Valley.  The trees were gorgeous, but my favorite spot was the rock wall that went into, and out of, the water.  I thought they were beautiful pictures …… even if I do say so myself.

I took Gracie to the park last week and she didn’t know what to make out of all of the leaves that totally covered the ground.  She kind of freaked out for a bit and then seemed to settle in.  Of course I couldn’t resist kicking leaves up on her to cover her up …… she wasn’t sure what to think about that, but ran away from them anyway.  🙂

The next pics are of the ice skating rink in Central Park.  I can’t believe how huge it is.  Looks like a lot of fun!

And then there’s Billy Crystal.  He and David Steinberg sat and talked for almost 2 hours.  I had a front row seat, though my first seat was over on the side.  The entire middle front row was empty, which Billy commented on when he came out, asking where the hell all of those people were.

I waited about 30 minutes or so, for a really good laugh, and then tried to stealthily move over to the middle section so that I could see them better.    Of course, Billy had to notice and say something, which is what I feared would happen and what made me wait those 30 minutes.    As soon as I sat down he looked up and said, “Where the hell have you been?!  Should we start over from the beginning?!”  I was a wee bit embarrassed, but happy that I’d managed to score a great seat.  It was a very fun evening.

The next picture is of my dumbo puppy, looking like she’s smoking a big, fat cigar.  That was the night before she started class to become a Therapy Dog.  We started that class last night, and in spite of my trepidation, she did ok.  I mean, we have a couple of things to work on, but she did much better than I thought she would. Oh, and she didn’t take the cigar with her.

The next two pics are for my Gamma Phi sisters.  Tonight was a crescent moon, so I took two pictures.  One farther away, one closer up.  And I thought of each of you as I took them.  🙂

I’m not too certain what that next picture of Gracie is, but the last one was taken after we got home from her class.  She was pooped.  To say the least. She still seems a bit tired, but she perked up today when we went to the Park for a walk.

I’ve spent a lot of time the last few weeks volunteering at the theatre.  It’s been crazy busy but nice to also work with new people and make new friends.  I’m really enjoying being a part of the people there.

So that’s a description of all of those pics.  You can always ask questions if you need to.

Let’s see …… what else?  I’m leaving for Texas this week, to spend a few days at home there, and then driving to Oklahoma with Son #1 for Thanksgiving.  All of the kids, except for Daughter #1, will be there, too.  I have mixed feelings about this.  I haven’t really understood why, except that this is Jim’s home, where he was born, played, worked, grew up.  This is the place we went to take a breather and enjoy the peace and quiet, even before the kids were born.  This was the land where we’d lie down on the grass at night and look at the stars that shone in a way they never did back in Tulsa.  We both loved the farm.  We loved his family.  We loved being there and taking our kids there.

I think my kids still enjoy going there, but it’s more pain than joy for me.  Part of me wants to just hide away during Thanksgiving, while part of me wants to be with my children.  So I’ll go.  I’ll swallow down the pain and focus on being happy and thankful.

When I was wondering why I was feeling this way, it occurred to me that, #1.  This place was a place that I only went to with Jim.  So no wonder it hurts to be there without him.

And ……

#2.  The death march always starts around Thanksgiving.  Even when I don’t remember, my mind and body do.  And for crying out loud, I’d love for that to stop!!!

Because all it does is cause me to miss him.  And miss him.  And miss him. And cry.  I hate crying.

In truth, it’s been a difficult couple of months, if not longer.  I miss him. That’s a given.  But sometimes the missing seems harder, longer and more painful.  And sometimes it makes me question things I’ve always believed, always known.  I’m struggling right now and would appreciate any prayers of believing friends who can spare them.

Here’s what’s going on:     I don’t believe that it was God’s will that Jim would die.  But yet he did.  Bad things happen.  Sometimes to good people.  Jim was good.  I wouldn’t say that I was, but he definitely was.  So that wasn’t God’s will.  Of course, He’s in control and He could’ve stepped in and healed Jim, but He did not.  For whatever reason.

So how do I reconcile a God who lets death happen, to a God I’m supposed to praise and be thankful to when He causes good things to happen?  Does He just step back and let death, carnage in Paris, thousands of refugees die?  He steps back and just lets that happen?                                                   But when something good happens, that’s because He intervened and made it happen?  Why would He step back for one thing and not for all things?  Why would he intervene in some events but not in all?

I’m so tired of hearing things like that; of hearing how marvelous God is because he saved someone.  How very hard people prayed and so God intervened.  People have no idea how very much those words hurt …… no, not just hurt …… but scar people like me.  Like my children.

I realize that there will be people who will believe that I shouldn’t be questioning such things. That thinking that way makes me seem “less than” a believer.  I’m ok with that.  Because I think it’s total B.S. to say that Christians never go through that.  I believe that honest Christians do. So yes, everyone else is lying.

It’s not pretty or popular to tell everyone that you’re struggling. Especially about God. And your faith.  But there you go.  I am.  If there’s one thing I’ve always done here, it’s tell the ugly truth.  I’m struggling.

So think what you will.  Condemn if you want.  Pray if you can.  It’s going to be a tough few weeks.  Right through Christmas and New Years, most likely.  Maybe not.  It would be nice if it didn’t last that long.  Last year was a bit better, so that’s what I’m going for.

Now I shall return to binge watching a show called, “Reign”.  Since I love historical fiction, it’s indeed been a total binge watch.  You can Google it or check it out on Netflix if you want to learn more about it.

Have a great week, Peeps.
❤

The Longer I Live Here ……

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…… the more I love this city.

That’s not to say that it doesn’t have its faults.
Because it does.
As does any city.

The streets are FULL of obnoxious drivers who lay on their horns …… even and especially when the cars in front of them are unable to move …… unless they want to plow through pedestrians who have the right of way.
I’m a little touchy on this. I’ve been known to give the evil eye to the horn blowers, and …… if their windows are down, ask them what the heck they expect the other drivers to do.
It’s a waste of breath and energy.
They don’t care.
I think they just like to lay on their horns.
I’m working on letting go of this one.
It’s a work in progress.

The sidewalks are full of sidewalk rage (as opposed to road rage). Not always and not everywhere. But every once in a while you look up and see a pedestrian barreling towards you and you instantly know that he/she isn’t going to tuck their shoulder in at the last minute. If you don’t tuck yours …… someone, or perhaps both of you, is going to end up with a dislocated shoulder.
I have avoided this thus far. Though I think there have been several close calls.
I think it’s the New Yorker’s way of playing “chicken”.

But these things are a small price to pay for the fun, excitement, entertainment and just plain weirdness of living in this amazing city.

I can understand most of the weird stuff. I get the sidewalk rage. I don’t get the over usage of car horns, but as I said, I’m working on letting that go.
I get the total awe of first time visitors, which makes them stop smack dab in the middle of a busy sidewalk and stare at their surroundings. Especially near Times Square where one might be bowled right over if one stops too long.
I understand how people can get lost in the Park and I try to help them as best I can.
I also get that the subways can seem seem very overwhelming to first time users, though it really doesn’t take long to understand them.

However, there is still one thing about the subways that I do NOT understand. In fact, I have yet to meet anyone here in NY who does get this particular thing.
I’ve thought about sending it in to Jimmy Fallon, or Stephen Colbert, or maybe Matt Lauer. But I’m doubtful that anyone can explain this extraordinarily bizarre item.

This is it:
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This is a sign that you can find inside most subway cars, stating the emergency instructions.  It tells you what to do in case of, 1. Fire, 2. Medical Emergency, 3. If you need the Police, and 4. If you need to evacuate the car.

If you’re like any good New Yorker, or a so-so visitor, you read these signs so that you’ll know what to do, or not do, in the event that an emergency happens while you’re lucky enough to be riding the subway.

Go ahead and read through the instructions.
I’ll wait.
Don’t worry …… I’ll catch up on Fallon while I’m waiting.

Done? It doesn’t really take that long to read through them.
Did you notice a prevailing theme throughout these instructions?
There were two.

First of all, above all else, no matter what happens, or who’s attacking you, or what weapons are present, or even who’s on board (like say, the President of the United States …… and yes, I know that’s highly unlikely), or for any reason WHATSOEVER …… do NOT PULL THE EMERGENCY CORD.
No way.
No how.
No matter how much carnage is in the car.
Or how high the water level gets.
Or how hot the fire roars.
Or how many people are having heart attacks.
Or how many people claim to be suicide bombers.

Do NOT, EVER, EVER,EVER, pull that cord.
And, although you can’t see it in this picture …… the emergency cord is just above this sign.
In every car.

Which begs the question …… what in the hell is the cord for?!

The instructions also tell you to notify a crew member if any of these scenarios occur.
Which might lead you to believe that there are crew members floating all over the place in the subway cars.
You would be wrong to believe that.
Dead wrong.
Excuse the dark humor there.
🙂

I’ve only noted one crew member on any train. And he/she is the person in charge of driving it. All alone in their little cubicle, somewhere in the middle of the train.
So good luck with letting one of them know that the car you’re riding in has suddenly become combustible.
Or loaded with a suspicious white powder.
Or gang bangers.
(I’m kidding! There are no gang bangers in NY!) 🙂

If you’ve never been to NY, please come visit this amazing city.
There’s more to do and see than you’ll most likely have time for.
Transportation is easier than you think.
Make yourself at home.
Don’t be afraid to ask for directions/help.
Don’t be afraid to eat off of the many food carts around the city.
You can feel totally safe in Central Park.
And Times Square.
Even at night.

Enjoy every part of the city.

Just make sure that you DO NOT, EVER, NEVER, NO WAY, NO HOW, NO MATTER WHAT ……
pull the subway emergency cord.

I think, that if you can figure out what the role of the emergency cord actually is …… you might win a key to the city.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

I’m not sure about that.

There’s a lot I’m not sure of.

Pulling the emergency cord is not one of those things.
Don’t even think about it.

If I ever get up the nerve to pull it, I’ll let you know what happens.
🙂

On The Way Home From Church ……

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……these are the sights I saw.

Today is NY Marathon Day.
All day long.
This city knows how to party.

This building was lit up for the marathon:
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I followed this girl with shiny red patent leather shoes and a very stiff petticoat. I have no idea where she was heading or if this was a costume. New York, being New York, means that it was probably her every day wardrobe.
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As I turned the corner to my neighborhood, I saw that the barriers were still up, although they were just about to be taken down.
Barricades up on Columbus Circle and down Broadway towards my apartment building are a very wonderful thing.
As long as I have proof that I live there.
If not, those barricades can ruin an evening.
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But it’s wonderful to be able to just walk leisurely down the street …… IN the street.
It was quite lovely.
And it appeared that there were still people finishing the marathon (it was around 6:00 p.m.)
Trust me …… no judgement here …… I’d have been in a coma after mile 3.

I’m looking forward to just hanging out with Gracie tomorrow, while doing laundry, ASL homework, and apartment cleaning.
I’m supposed to go see a screening of a movie called “Brooklyn” tomorrow night. I don’t know much about it, which is kind of how I like it.

Speaking of not knowing much about something, well, kind of …… today I went to see “Misery”, starring Bruce Willis and Laurie Metcalf.
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I didn’t expect a lot from this show. I only went because I was offered a cheap ticket.
But I was pleasantly surprised. Bruce did better than I thought he would. I had no doubt about how Laurie would do …… I think she’s a terrific actress.
So it was better than I had anticipated.

But the audience …… the audience totally sucked.
It would seem as though none of them had ever seen anything by Stephen King. Or anything on the disturbing spectrum.
Because most of them seemed to think this was a comedy.
But it was not.
I’ve never seen the movie, but I’ve heard enough.
And I’ve read enough Stephen King (before I swore off of him after reading either “It” or “Pet Sematary”…… I can’t remember which.
But either one was enough to do me in.)

Anywho …… the woman who sat next to me and I both agreed that it was an altogether stupid audience.
Americans just don’t seem to do well with mental illness. Or death. Or the macabre.
And so they laugh.
I’d hate that if I were one of the actors in that play.
Considering that they had to deal with that …… I think they both did an extraordinary job.

So there you go. A sort of theatrical review. Or maybe just an audience review.
Either way, you get what you pay for, Peeps.
Ha!

Have a great Monday.
🙂

Halloween ……

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…… in New York City is a wee bit different than most places.

First of all, there are apartment buildings instead of houses.  And there are retail shops instead of homes.  Most of the the shops and restaurants give out candy.  I’m guessing the better the restaurant, the better the candy.
Of course that’s only a guess.

There’s a street near me that’s blocked off to all traffic so that children can go trick or treating safely.  And with tons of fun.  The stoops of the apartment buildings are decorated.  Adults stand outside of them, in full costume, and hand out candy.  The streets are crowded …… and full of amazingly costumed children/adults/pets.  Gracie seemed to be one of the best dressed dogs.  Not because I thought so (because I didn’t) …… but based on the comments of passer-bys and the tons of people who asked if they could take her picture.                                                       Go figure.
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This is the start/welcoming point of the NY Marathon, which starts tomorrow morning and locks all of us who live in this area into our apartments.  Seriously.  Our buildings will be surrounded by police/security/cement blocks and all leaving/arriving is frowned upon.  Until after the marathon.  Sounds like a good day to sleep in, right?  🙂

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People lined up outside of apartment buildings to get their candy:
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This little one was a subway car.  His parents did a great job on it!!
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My precious Gamma Phi Lady Bug:
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The street continued to be blocked off on the other side of the intersection.
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We wandered around for a couple of hours.  It was fun to watch all of the wee ones and their families.  Sometimes, it was also bitter sweet.  I’m sure it feels that way for all parents of grown children.  Not just those of us with dead spouses.                                                                               But it was nice to re-live the fun memories.

Evidently those two hours just plain wore out my lady bug:
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This is her, passed out cold next to me as I type this.

I went to a show today called, “China Doll”.  The following pictures will tell you who starred in it:
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Yep, Al Pacino.  Yes, THAT Al Pacino.

I’d love to tell you that it was an amazing show and that he did a wonderful job.  However.

It seems to me that Mr. Pacino (how’s that for respect?!) plays the same part now, no matter the vehicle.  A stuttering, bumbling, old man who doesn’t appear to be able to remember his lines.  It was disappointing, to say the least.  But …… it was Al Pacino.
So there’s that.

Anyway, it was something to do.
Tomorrow I’m going to see Bruce Willis in “Misery”. You know, that horrific Stephen King story that starred Kathy Bates and James Caan in the movie (which I’ve never seen).
I’m not really looking forward to the story, but hopefully Bruce and Laurie Metcalf (Roseanne’s sister on “Roseanne”) will do a good job.

In between all of that I’m trying to catch up with “Scandal”. Which involves re-watching some of the episodes I’ve already seen because I can’t always remember which ones I’ve watched.
Growing old sucks.

I hope you all have a fun and safe Halloween.
🙂

Thank You ……

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…… to those of you who understood.
Or tried to understand.
My last post.

It was nice not to have to read the “judgey” posts that some people have written in the past.
No judgement is needed.
At least, not in my opinion.

I write what I write …… because it’s inside of me and I need to get it out.
Yes, I could write it down ……. and then delete it. But I don’t believe that’s what I’m called to do.
I write it down …… and publish it …… because there are so many others out there who feel what I feel.
And so we connect.
This is my calling.
It certainly won’t change anything.

Jim is dead.
I know he’s dead.
I know he’s never coming back.
No matter what I want.
No matter what I wish for.
He’s dead.

Someone asked me this yesterday: “Are you still grieving?”
I was a bit surprised by that question.
I answered truthfully.
“Yes, I will always grieve for him. Always.”
But I’m no longer in the dark, cold, all-consuming grief that once was.
Thankfully.

His death no longer occupies my every waking moment, my every thought, my every breath.
But I will grieve for him until my last dying breath.
This I know.
And this I can live with.

But my days, my life, are not consumed by my grief.
I continue to live.
I continue to find joy.
With grief in the background.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching lately.
Truthfully, it hasn’t been a difficult job.
Before I continue with this post, I need to tell you that I am not writing this as a “woe is me” post. I’m not looking for sympathy, or a “poor you” attitude.
It is what it is.
And it’s for me to deal with.

I never took Jim for granted.
Hard to believe?
Probably.
But if you were to read through all of my journals …… you’d see that it’s true.
I always thanked God for giving Jim to me.
Always.
I never took him for granted.

And now, I know why.

I never, ever felt good enough to have married him.
I never, ever felt that I deserved him.
Ever.

I have no idea why …… I wonder if anyone ever knows …… why they feel so undeserving.
But I did.
I’ve never felt that I was “good enough”.
And I certainly never felt “good enough” for Jim.
Never.

I was so thankful for him. For the gift of him. To be his wife.
No, we didn’t always agree on everything, nor did we always get along on certain points.
But we moved past that.
Always.

And I was always so thankful that he was in my life.
I was thankful for our beautiful, wonderful six children.
But more so, for him.

So when he died …… it almost made sense.
I was never good enough.
And that finally caught up with me.

I didn’t deserve him.
And so he died.
I finally got what I deserved.

So here I am.
Living life without him.
Not the life I wanted.
Not the life I’d planned.
But the life I deserve.

And now I have to navigate this road that tells me that God does indeed love me, but on which I feel most unloved.
I have to move past these feelings of being unloved, undeserving.
And I hope that I will.
I’m trying.

It’s easy enough to say, “God loves me”.
It’s all together different to really embrace it.
It’s a work in progress.

I am a work in progress.
I don’t think I’m the only one.
So to those of you who find yourself on this path …… hopefully we can navigate it together.

My mind knows that I’m good enough ……in God’s eyes.
My heart just needs to catch up.

Damn ……

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…… that’s all.
Just damn.
No, that’s not true.
Here’s what I want to say:
Damn it to hell!
That’s the worst I can think of without using the F word.
Just damn it all to hell.

What, you may ask, caused this kind of reaction?
Well, I’ll tell you.

Something wonderful.
So wonderful.
And so painful and loving and amazing and lonely.
And …… something so ordinary.

I miss him.
Oh my God, I miss him.
I want him to be here.
I’m tired of being here without him.
I’m lonely.

No matter where I am ……
No matter what city I live in ……
No matter how busy I keep myself ……
He should be here.

Daughter #3 is planning her wedding.
Which will be here in less than 5 months.
I am so thrilled and excited and happy for her.
And for him.
Truly.

But ……
Jim should be here.
He should be here to laugh with me about the angst and stress and wonderfulness of the plans they are making.
He should be here to agree with me that we couldn’t be more happy with the new addition of Son #4.
He should be here to help me help her.
He.
Should.
Be.
Here.

Damnit.
Damn it all to hell.

People Say ……

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…… they won’t forget.
But I think they do.

Not that I blame them.
Because life marches on.
For everyone.
And if you don’t live it every single day …… how can you not forget?

This is the month that the American Heart Association holds their annual Heart Walk. Last year our school district in Texas participated in the walk. They did more than participate …… they formed a team in Jim’s name.
When I received the email asking if I’d be ok with that …… I was speechless.
And touched to the depth of my soul.
Because they remembered.

Jim died of an aortic dissection.
In perfect health one minute …… at death’s door the next.
Four months later, his mother died of complications after having valve replacement surgery.
The American Heart Association is close to my heart …… no pun intended.

This year Team Eggers will walk again.
They still remember.
And it still brings tears to my eyes.

I hate asking people for money.
I’m not very good at it, so I try to do it only two times a year.
Once for this walk …… and once in December around the time of Jim’s death …… for my beloved Soaring Spirits.
The organization that gave me hope and continues to do that for millions (yes, millions) of other widowed people.

So this week I wrote a post on Facebook about the walk, and shared the link of my donation page.
I didn’t make a big deal about it.
I just shared it and asked people to donate.
In memory of Jim.

Maybe I should’ve made a bigger deal.
I don’t think anyone checked out the link.
One person “liked” my post.
And she’s a widowed sister.
She also tries to raise money each year to fight the disease that killed her husband.
There are a lot of us out here.

And there are a lot of causes asking for money.
I get that.
And I get that time marches on.
I also understand how memories fade.
Heck, sometimes I can’t remember what I did last week.

Maybe I should take lessons in fundraising.
Or maybe I should stop bugging people about donating.
I certainly wish I didn’t have a reason to want to raise money for the Heart Association.
I also wish that I didn’t live with the memory of that night.
Almost eight years ago.

Yes, some memories fade.
Some …… never will.

Sweating in Texas ……

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…… has been in full force this past week.

On Tuesday I’m heading to Waco to visit Daughter #2 and Little Man* and the temperature is predicted to be 97 degrees.
Every day.
All week.
Holy crap.

I told D2 that LM, the dogs and I would NOT be spending any time in the park.
Nary a minute.

But in spite of temperatures from hell slightly high heat, I’m very excited.
I love being able to stay home with Little Man while she works during the day. I can hardly wait to get there!

To top it off …… he turns one this week so I’m feeling very blessed to be able to be there. And of course D2 is having a birthday party for him.
It’s hard to believe it’s been an entire year already.
A year full of blessings for both of them.
She bought a house, moved, and got a promotion.
They’ve made quite a few trips …… from one end of the country to the other. He’s a pretty well-traveled little man. 🙂

Gracie Lou is doing well. She seems to love having the extra room to run in our Texas home.
She still doesn’t enjoy it when I leave the house without her. In fact, I think it’s pretty sad that she goes and hides in her crate …… every time I take a shower.
Sad that I apparently only take showers when I’m going to leave the house.
Whatever.
Don’t judge me.
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Daughter #3 is doing well in Austin and enjoying her new job. She and her BF drove over yesterday for the day. It was nice to spend some time with them. I’ll get to see them (and her dog, Jake, whom I haven’t seen in almost a year) next weekend for the birthday party. And Son #1 and hopefully Son #2. Whoop!

I also got to spend some time with my Mom and D on Friday. I met them for lunch and a movie (“Everest” — I don’t really recommend it unless you’re in the mood to be depressed). It was nice to be with them, too.

Before I came down this time I had pretty much decided to sell the house this year and live in NY 100% of the time.
And who knows, I may still do that.
But as I sat in the airport and on the plane coming here, I started to re-think that idea. I remembered how very much I love this house.
And I really do.
I wish I could move it to Waco. That would definitely be closer to the other Texas kids, as well as the Oklahoma-for-now kid.
Of course, I’d also have to move the Houston airport because it’s beyond convenient for the NY trips.
But it appears that both the house and the airport are firmly planted, so, for now, I’m keeping the house as “vacation home”.
And yes, it is kind of sad that my vacation home is in Houston.
I knew that’s what you were thinking.

Of course, if you know me well then you know that I’ll probably change my mind next week.
And the week after that.
And so on and so forth.

I’d say it’s a woman’s prerogative/widow-brain thing, but I think it’s gone way beyond that now.
It does keep life interesting though.
🙂

I think that’s it for now. I have to go to bed so that my body will be well-rested for another sweaty day.
Don’t mock me …… sweating profusely takes a lot out of a girl.
And more out of a woman of a certain age.

I know this was a riveting post.
I hope your heart withstood the excitement.

Later, Peeps.
Stay cool.

*Daughter #2 prefers the name, “Little Man”, so I’m using that instead of “Little Bit”.
I have to say …… since he’s not so little anymore, Little Man is a better name. 🙂

I Know It’s Not Just Me ……

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…… nor is it just widowed people …… but I hate feeling so very alone in a room full of people.

(Warning: This will be a pity party of one. Proceed at your own risk.)

I hate feeling on the outskirts. I should be used to that feeling because it’s mostly how I’ve felt over the past four or so decades.
While I loved school, most of the time, I never quite felt a full part of any group. There were times I’d feel included, but not consistently. College was much better. I had a group of friends who loved and accepted me. They still do. I feel so blessed when I’m with them.

It would be nice to say that, as I got older I felt more included, but that would be a lie.
I remember watching all of the other PTA moms grouping together before and after school, making plans and knowing that, although I, too, was a PTA mom, I would not be included.

It was the same at churches, Bible studies, book clubs, boards, etc.
Not always, but mostly.

I think that part of the problem is that I am an introvert who can appear to be an extrovert. I blame the theatre. 😊
I’ve always tried to be very involved in the communities where I live, so that I could meet and hopefully connect with people.  Sometimes that would happen, but most of the time I couldn’t/can’t seem to break through the friendship boundaries that already exist.

And then there’s this:  When you’re involved in a lot of areas, people tend to assume that you have a lot of friends from ALL of those areas and so you’re probably too busy for more.

That became hugely apparent in the months after Jim died.

Loneliness can feel like it will crush you to death.

The one place in all the world where I knew beyond a doubt that I belonged, was next to Jim.
T. A. N. W. to describe the missing of that.
The missing of him.

I know that I am liked. I know that I am loved. I know that I am blessed.

I hope to one day feel securely right smack in the middle of a group, rather than on the outskirts, watching.

And maybe someday, if I am blessed beyond belief again, I’ll find myself next to someone who loves and accepts me and makes me feel that I belong 100% with him.

Maybe.

Misplaced Anger ……

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quote-Saint-Teresa-more-tears-are-shed-over-answered-prayers-33611

…… is something I’ve been dealing with lately.

Now before I continue, I need to say that there is no finger pointing contained in this post. I’m not writing about anyone personally. I’m writing about my feelings, which are mine, and mine alone (although some readers will perhaps relate to them).
When I read about good things happening in the lives of my friends, I truly am happy for them, no matter how else I also feel.

Now, where was I?
Oh yes …… misplaced anger.

Has anyone else noticed that there are a boat load of wedding anniversaries in the summer?
Well of course there are. There always have been. Always.
I’m sure that in the past 7 1/2 years there have been just as many as there are this summer. But for some reason, I’ve never noticed them as much as I have this year.

If you’re on Facebook then perhaps you, too have noticed.
It’s been constant.
I dare say that it’s been daily.
Friends wishing their spouses a happy anniversary.

Again, I’m very happy for all of my friends who are married and who’ve had anniversaries this summer. Truly.
But …… all of these posts have started to trigger something inside of me.
And that something is anger, pure and simple.
I’m not proud of that, but it’s there.

With every additional post I can feel another log thrown into the furnace burning within.
A slowly building fire that starting to gain strength and heat.
It’s probably also kind of a greenish color.
Because I’m jealous.
Every time I see a post that says a couple has been married over 25 years, the fire becomes a deeper green.

I don’t feel angry towards any one person.
Not a human person, anyway.
But I surprised myself when I finally realized that I’m angry at God.
Or should I say …… I’m still angry at God.
And getting angrier.

There’s a second thing going on that’s been stoking that angry fire inside of me.

Have you seen a new TV show this summer called, “Answered Prayers”?
If you have, and you’re widowed, then you know where I’m going with this, don’t you?

It’s on TLC and is hosted by Roma Downey. She and her husband produce it.
I know that they are Christians and that they’ve done a lot in faith-based movies and TV. And I’m glad about that.

But this show …… this show makes me angry. Or maybe, I make myself angry when I watch it.
But it seems to me that it tells only half of the story.

The show features 2 or 3 people a week and their true stories about life and death situations that happened to them.
All of these stories have had happy endings. People are brought back from the brink of death, or rescued from sure death accidents …… because of prayer.
And not just prayer.
But “answered prayer”.

God heard their prayers and said, “Yes”.
And these people were healed, rescued, saved, etc.
Happy, happy endings.

But here’s the rest of the story, as Paul Harvey would say.
God doesn’t always say yes.
Sometimes he gives you a big, fat, “NO”.
But that’s still an answer.
Isn’t it?

This show makes me feel …… strike that.
When I watch this show I feel the same way I feel when I hear someone say, “If you’d only had enough faith …”; “If you’d only prayed hard enough …”; “If you’d only truly believed …”
Yes, I’ve personally heard all three of those partial sentences. They start out the same: “If you’d only …”.
And they end the same: “God would’ve saved him”.

Is it any wonder that some people turn from their faith, and others never approach faith at all, when their loved one dies and they hear something like that?
From “Christians”?

Nothing stokes the anger inside of me as fast as those kind of words.
Nothing brings my anger level from zero to a million faster than those people.

And this show, without giving the other answer, without giving the rest of the story, really does make me feel white hot anger.

From my experience (and I can only cite mine) God gives three answers to most of our questions:
“Yes.”
“No.”
“Wait.” Which will ultimately end in either “Yes” or “No”.

God, much like most human parents, sometimes says, “No.”
Yet loves us as much as those who received a “Yes”.
The answer has nothing to do with the love.
I have no doubt that He loves me.
In spite of my anger.
And maybe because of my anger.

To claim that, because people prayed and someone escaped death, God heard and answered prayer …… is to tell already hurting people that God only hears some people.
And he evidently doesn’t hear them.

Who wants to follow that kind of God?
Who can feel love from that kind of God?

And who can give sound Biblical evidence of that kind of God?

That’s not the God I know.
That’s not the God I love.
That’s not the God who loved the world so much that sent His only son to die for EVERYONE.
Every.
Single.
Person.

So, while I’m happy that these people were saved from death …… I’m going to stop watching “Answered Prayers”.

Because it’s time for me to finally let go of my anger.
And because God did answer my prayers that day/night (and thousands of others’).

He said, “No”.