Category Archives: Moving Forward

Another Christmas ……

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…… has come and gone.
And even though it was our 9th one without Jim, we had a great time.
I feel so blessed to have had 5 out of 6 of the kids here. Daughter #3 and her fiancé were in Ohio, celebrating with his family. They were definitely missed, but I know that they had a wonderful time up there. I’m thankful that she’ll soon be joining such a loving, accepting and fun family. And I do mean soon. The wedding is a little over 2 months away!

It was great to have Daughter #1 and her lovely partner here. It was her first (and maybe last?) time to see my Texas home.
Daughter #2 and Little Man have been here since Monday night. They arrived about 30 minutes after I got in from NY. Little Man has been a blast to have around. It’s so wonderful to see Christmas through a child’s eyes. Even a 15 month old!
The three of us went to church on Christmas Eve. It was nice to see so many friends that I’ve missed for a long time. And Little Man did very well during the service. At one point we had to make sure that we kept a steady stream of Cheerios going into his mouth, but it was all good. 🙂

Son #1 came in from Dallas on Wednesday and Son #2 came in from Austin on Thursday.
The kids took turns cooking wonderful meals and everyone helped out with the clean ups.
They all have made me feel very blessed.
And Mom and D joined us Christmas Day!

We mostly hung around the house, watched Christmas movies and just spent time together.
Oh, and we’ve also spent time with the three dogs that are here: Gracie, Daughter #2’s dog, R.G. (named after Robert Griffin III … you know … Baylor), and Son #3’s brand new dog that he adopted from a humane shelter in Oklahoma … Xander. He’s a very sweet, large dog.
I have to admit that I was less than thrilled to find out we’d have three dogs here, but they’ve really done pretty well.
If you don’t count the destroyed carpet upstairs in one area.
I guess it could’ve been worse.

Son #2 left this morning and Daughter #1 left tonight. Son #1 leaves tomorrow and Son #3 heads back on Wednesday.
Thankfully, Daughter #2 and Little Man are staying here until Saturday or Sunday. It’s really been wonderful to be able to spend so much time with him.

Yesterday most of us went rock climbing. And yes, I’m proud to say that I joined in.
In fact, see this wall?

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I totally crushed it!! And two others!
I think I surprised the kids.
I’m not a fan of heights, so I just didn’t bother to look down.
Ever.
I just kept going up.
It was quite a workout!
I thought I’d be horribly sore today but I’m not. My body doesn’t feel like it’s been rock climbing.
Maybe it’ll hit me tomorrow. 🙂

Gracie Lou has had fun with the other two dogs. They are all wearing each other out. I think she’s really going to miss them when they all leave.

I hope that you all had a blessed Christmas and I wish you a Happy New Year.  May 2016 be better than 2015 for so many of you who are missing your special person.
Thank you for being a part of my life …… even if I don’t know that you are. 🙂

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Eight ……

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…… excruciatingly long years that seemed to have flown by in a heartbeat.
I know that most of you get that.

Eight.
How is it possible?
How is it that Daughter #1 went to, and graduated from, school for her Masters degree?

How is that Daughter #2 worked for a year and then did the same thing?
How is that she’s been a foster mom to the most precious baby boy for over a year now? And she has her own home?

How is it that Daughter #3 has worked in Texas and New York while getting her Masters? How can it be that she’s engaged to be married in less than 3 months?

How is it that Son #1 graduated from high school and college and has a wonderful job and life in Dallas?

How is it that Son #2 survived his teen years, graduated from high school, went to barber school and now lives in Austin where he loves his job and his life?

And how is it that Son #3 made it through middle school, high school and is now in his third year of college at our favorite school, Oklahoma State? How is it that I’ve attended at least three Homecomings there?
At that place where we met.
And fell in love.

How in the hell is it that this all happened without him?

Eight years ago …… this day …… I thought that my life came crashing to an end.
And in a sense, it did.
That life died with Jim, just as part of me died with him.

I have missed that man every second of these past 8 years.
I have cherished our memories, our children and our blessing of being best friends, as well as husband and wife, these past 8 years.
I have loved him with all of my heart these past 8 years.
That won’t stop.
No matter how many years go by.

That doesn’t mean there’s not room in my heart for more love.
Fortunately, hearts grow bigger.
If you don’t believe that you’ve never had more than one child. 🙂

Now eight years later …… here I am …… still alive.
Not only alive, but thriving.
Happy.
Joyful.
Blessed.

The “before me” would never have believed that I would make it this far.
The me that was left behind 8 years ago would never have dreamed this would be my life now. That me didn’t …… no,couldn’t …… see a future for herself at all. She saw nothing but cold, inky darkness.
For what felt like a very long time.

Eight years later, the blackness is gone.
Most of the time.
Every once in a while a rogue wave roars over me, knocking me to my knees.
But not down.
And definitely not out.

In that way, I don’t think I’m so very different from any other human.
In spite of being blessed, there are still times of grief.
There are times when that night eight years ago comes charging into me. And it feels like I’m right back in that hospital room.
Saying goodbye without knowing it was really goodbye.
I hate being back in that room.

Thankfully that doesn’t happen very often.
Mostly just once a year or so.
Usually around this date.
Around this day.

Eight years.
It’s amazing.
And horrible.
All at the same time.

Eight years.
Eight years of bad.
Eight years of good.
Eight years of growing, loving, learning and finding joy again.
Eight years of knowing that God never left my side.
Even during the times I couldn’t feel him.
Probably especially during those times.
Eight years of grief.
Eight years of blessings.

A lot can happen in eight years.
And though I couldn’t even think this 8 years ago ……

I’m looking forward to what the next eight hold.

What a Difference ……

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…… a week makes.
The above picture pretty much says it all about last week.
Thankfully, that was last week. Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers.  I’m feeling 100% better.

Here are some pictures from this past week:

This isn’t a very good picture, but it’s a sight I love to view …. my Christmas tree at night. So peaceful.  And such good memories of sitting with Jim in the peace and quiet and enjoying a similar view.
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This was a store in Greenwich, CT.  Yeah.  Pink Chicken.  It’s a children’s clothing store.  If you can explain this to me you’re much smarter than I am.  Or maybe just more worldly.
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This is Kathleen Turner.  I met her last night at a small reception before a radio program which was the 6th annual reading of “A Christmas Carol”.  She was Scrooge.
In the program, not in real life.  She was very nice and very friendly.  She spent some time chatting with us.  Pretty cool, huh?
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This is part of the cast of the program.  The man on the far right is the sound effects guy for “A Prairie Home Companion”.  It was fun to watch him work. (If you want to watch this, or listen to it, you can find info about it here.)
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This was the scene on my way home after the program.  Not exactly the sight you want to see while waiting for the subway.  I have no idea what they were doing, but after waiting for about 20 minutes and noting that they didn’t seem to be any closer to accomplishing whatever it was they were trying to accomplish, I opted for a different subway.
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I took these pictures tonight after I got these puppy Christmas sweaters.  I’d love to tell you that Gracie enjoys being a fashionista, but she does not.  If you could see her eyes clearly you’d be able to see the shame and blame pouring out of them.  If she could speak I know she’d say, “Why do you hate me?”
But …… as a mother of 6 …… I’m ok with that.  If I didn’t embarrass at least one of my kids once a week then I wasn’t doing my job.  She is now a sort of replacement child so she has to suck it up.
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So yeah, this week has been going better than the last.  The only negative thing is …… my friend Jeni is now holed up in her apartment with a cold.  She probably got it from me after the drive to and from Greenwich, although I felt pretty good that day and didn’t have a fever. But I feel guilty.
See the price you pay for being my friend?  I’m a cross to bear.                                                       But I’m fun.  🙂

This week brought my last BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) class of the year and my last ASL 2 (American Sign Language) class.  Both will start back up after the new year (well, it’ll be ASL 3).  I’m enjoying and learning a lot from both.  We’re studying the book of Revelation in BSF.  It’s starting to get deep and of course more and more interesting.  I love being involved in a Bible study with so many different women of different backgrounds, churches, perspectives, races, ethnicities and ages.  It’s been a great study.

OK, I just saw a news item that declared that using punctuation when text messaging “shows insincerity and annoyance”.                                                                                                         Ummmmm …… what the what?!  I thought it just showed intelligence and a correct use of grammar.  Who the heck did they poll for this?  You can bet your bippy it wasn’t anyone over the age of 40.  And yes, I just aged myself royally by using the word bippy.
Whatever.

Before I close I’ll leave you with a question.  As you know by now I never get political on my blog(s), but I don’t really think this is really a political question.   Yet I feel that it must be asked……                                                                                                                                                   Does anyone else suspect that his real name is Donald “Adolph” Trump?

So Much Can Happen ……

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…… in only one day.

My wonderful friend and sister, Jeni, planned for us to go out for lunch today. And when I say “out”, I mean out.
We drove to Connecticut. Greenwich, that is. And it was lovely.
We both needed to get some fresh air …… and to give words to the feelings we’ve been feeling.
It was lovely. And therapeutic for both of us. Which goes to prove that friends don’t have to be widowed in order to understand feelings of grief, of feeling overwhelmed …… of wanting to throw in the towel.

I’d never been to Greenwich before. I think I can check it off of my list (even if it wasn’t ever on my list). We did have a delicious lunch. Then we walked around a bit in the downtown area.
I think we had the most fun at a store where the sales person/manager/owner/whoever thought she was all that and a bag of chips.
Jeni was admiring some cool glass items that looked more like bud vases than what they were …… champagne flutes. They really were neat. I thought about getting them for a few minutes because they were so different. They were really just glass tubes, all etched with different designs.
The moment that I decided to not buy them was when I heard Jeni asking the above mentioned person if they could be used as a vase (pronounced vase, with a long a and an s. Like face, but with a v.)
The woman replied, “Yes, I’ve used one as a vaz.” (Pronounced vahz, only with one’s nose up in the air so that one can look down upon the person to whom one is speaking.)
My purchase plans immediately flew out the window.
And of course I had to sidle up next to Jeni and join her in pronouncing words in the least hoity toity way possible. It was now a case of Houston vs Greenwich. And Greenwich lost this day.

What a crack up. And what a snob.
I will refrain from judging the whole of Greenwich based upon this one woman, but she’s the reason I feel I can check it off of my list.
Oh well. There are many, many places in this area that need visiting. Too many to make return visits to most.
Especially if I have to say “Vahz, dahling.”
No, I doubt that I’d ever have to say that there again, but you get the point.

While we were driving about I received an email from a new friend (thanks to Jeni) who asked if I wanted to go see a “Downton Abbey” event tonight. It was a viewing of the first show of the 6th, and last, season, plus a Q&A session with the cast.
Did I?! You bet!!

See why I love this city? You never know what, or who, is around the corner. And if you’re flexible enough …… you’re bound to have some great experiences.

Tonight was one of those experiences. It was fun and cool and great. I loved the first episode, though it ended far too soon for me. And the Q&A was a lot of fun.

But the best part of the night? I made a new friend. And tomorrow we’re going to see NPR’s traditional reading of “A Christmas Carol” with Kathleen Turner as one of the main readers.

So yay for getting out. And yay for new friends.

My insurance problem has been solved. I had to compromise, so I’m not thrilled with the result, but it’s better than it was two days ago.
I’m working on the mortgage problem, and keeping my hopes up that it will work out without getting attorneys involved. And nasty words like “foreclosure”. The signs are good at the moment.

I’m enjoying my little tree. Especially at night when I turn all of the lights off, except for the white lights on the tree. Jim and I used to sit together in the dark, after all of the kids were in bed, and enjoy the peace and beauty of the lights on the Christmas tree.
I’m glad that I still can enjoy that.
And the memories it brings.

Gracie managed to do well in our therapy dog class last night, in spite of missing the class before.
I was sweating it for a few minutes, but she pulled through. Whew!
Two more weeks and then one makeup class to graduation.
Hopefully.

That’s it for today.
But then, that’s a lot for one day, right?
Hopefully you’re all satisfied and as ready for bed as I am.
I’ll give you some pictures just to make it even better.

Now go to bed.
You need your rest.

I Love to Be Happy ……

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…… I want to be happy. I know that happiness is temporary. It comes and goes. Especially if you seek it from outside yourself.

I know all of that.
And most of the time …… now eight (8) years later (and only those who have grieved such a loss can understand the obscenity of that number) I am more happy than not.

More than that, most of the time …… now 8 years later, I have joy.
But every once in a while, sometimes when I least expect it …… sometimes when I do …… something flips the breaker and happiness and joy are suddenly gone.

I used to love this time of the year. It was my favorite season, my favorite holiday.
And now, for obvious reasons, it mostly isn’t.

But there are other reasons, too. It’s not just Jim’s death, though had he not died, I’m sure I’d still be labeling this my favorite.

One would think that December 18th would be enough to have to bear.
Wouldn’t one?
But this time of year also brings things like property tax bills, which for some unexplained reason seem to almost double every year. Unfortunately, I have the “gift” of owning more than one house. Trust me, when there’s only one of you left …… it’s not a gift.

I sold our family home this past summer. And because I felt it was the best and kindest thing to do, I carried the note.
I wish I hadn’t. It’s been nothing but a headache since and the thought of this continuing into the future makes me want to either scream or jump out of the nearest window.

And then there’s health insurance. One would think that’s an easy enough item to take care of. One would be wrong.
Because I had to turn to Obamacare after Jim died (I had a pre-existing condition), I am now stuck in the government healthcare trap. And for some reason, it’s very, very difficult to escape.
My healthcare has changed drastically for this coming year, and I have to either swallow it down and accept it, no matter how much I hate it (and I do), or I need to go through the many hoops to contact our beloved government and get cancelled through them so that I can go off on my own.
Anyone ever tried to call the government healthcare system in the month of December?
They’re going to screw me over and I’m going to have to end up accepting it.
No matter how much I hate it.

Again, if Jim were alive, this would bother me about as much as a mosquito trapped in my bedroom at night.
But when it’s just you …… and EVERYTHING is just you …… it gets to be overwhelming.
Most days I can see all of this for what it is …… just something to whine about, and yet still be grateful for all that I have.

But then there are the days that sneak up on me, and make me feel that this crap will never end. That life will never again be anything more than just dealing with shit …… all alone.

I know that I’m supposed to be happy.
I know that I’m supposed to have joy.
I know that things could be so much worse.
Believe me …… I know.

But there’s nothing I can do to stop the feelings that come.
That roll over me and threaten to smother me.
I know they won’t.
I know that, in time, I’ll be ok.
But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that there are days when I wish they could smother me.
Days when being smothered sounds easy and peaceful.

I haven’t had one of those days in a long time.
A really long time.
So maybe I’m due.
Or maybe I’m just whining.
Whatever.

It is what it is.
And it feels how it feels.
Today …… maybe just today …… hopefully just today …… the missing of him feels horrible.

Thanksgiving ……

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…… was easier, and more difficult, than I expected. I had a wonderful time with 5 of my 6 children, though if you count my future son-in-law (and I do), then I had 6 out of 7.

It was nice to be back on the farm, where Jim grew up. Nice …… and difficult. But after almost 8 years …… more nice than difficult.
It was great to spend time with his two brothers, their wives and our niece. I never, ever, feel like I’m an outsider when I’m with his family. We were together almost 27 years, so that makes his family my family. And they’ve never, EVER made me feel differently.
I love them for that.

And yet …… that man has left a huge hole. And so did his mother, when she died four months after he did.
It’s not the same, of course.
But it’s still good.

So why do I always end up crying at the end of the holiday? And why do I always feel that I need to hide my tears from everyone?

Son #1 and I arrived at the farm on Wednesday evening. Son #2 and #3 were staying there with us, and with Jim’s dad. Daughters #2 & #3, Little Bit and Future Son-in-Law were staying at Jim’s youngest brother’s house. So we didn’t see them until Thanksgiving Day, when we all met up at his house.
It was so wonderful to just hang with all of them. All of us related because of Jim and because of love.

Son #3 left on Friday to head back to school for the big game that we won’t talk about.
I was sad to see him go, but I’ll see him soon in Texas.
Jim’s brother, his wife and our niece also headed back to California that day. And I was sad to see them go, but am looking forward to seeing them at the wedding in March.

The Daughters, Little Bit and Future Son-in-Law left Saturday morning. I was sad to see them go, especially since Daughter #3 and Future Son-in-Law will be spending Christmas with his family. But I’ll get to see them in NY in January, when she has her first fitting for her wedding dress.
I know!!!

Son #1 and I left Sunday morning and headed to Dallas. I was in a great mood when we left, after having a wonderful time with everyone.
But something strange happened as we entered Dallas. My heart started to crumble. And I don’t know why. The closer we got to his apartment, the sadder I felt. It wasn’t his apartment, I’m sure of that. I think it was that I was getting closer and closer to the end of the holiday/weekend. And closer to being without all of them.
And continuing to be without him.

God, I miss him so very much.
And while I can live most of my life continuing to move forward in spite of that …… there are times when that feeling of loss comes creeping up on me unexpectedly …… overwhelming me. Like it did yesterday on I-35.

It’s always hard to say goodbye to the last child I’m with. Son #1 was that lucky person. But I think I did a good job of hiding how I was feeling.
And stealthily wiping away the tears.
You tend to get good at that after almost 8 years.

I am now back in NY.
I’m glad to be here.
But I miss my family.

I miss Jim.

And I always will.

Even during the good times.
Especially during the good times.

New York in Pictures ……

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…… is usually the best way to show people New York. So I’m just going to randomly post pictures and then give you a brief description of them.

OK? It really doesn’t matter if it’s ok or not, since I’m forging ahead with them.
You can close this page now, or hang on for the ride.
Whatever floats your boat.
🙂

OK, WordPress has suddenly changed its platform and rather than drive myself crazy trying to fix this problem and separate all of these pictures, I’m just going to go with the flow.
Know that I’m not happy about it, but I’m trying to remain calm since it’s very close to bed time.  🙂

So the first two pictures are, of course, Playbills from two plays that I saw last week.  The first play starts James Earl Jones and Cicely Tyson.  They both do a fine job, mostly of yelling at each other, which gets a tad bit old after a while.
But let me say this:  Ms. Tyson looks pretty dang fabulous for a woman who’s in her late 80’s.  And I do mean FABULOUS!

The next play, “Ugly Lies the Bone” was very good, and intense, and stars Mamie Gummer (a.k.a. Meryl Streep’s daughter).  She did a fantastic job.  The theatre is VERY small (I’m talking small!) and so it’s a very intimate space.  I recommend it.  Highly.

The four very lovely pictures were taken on our field trip to the Hudson Valley.  The trees were gorgeous, but my favorite spot was the rock wall that went into, and out of, the water.  I thought they were beautiful pictures …… even if I do say so myself.

I took Gracie to the park last week and she didn’t know what to make out of all of the leaves that totally covered the ground.  She kind of freaked out for a bit and then seemed to settle in.  Of course I couldn’t resist kicking leaves up on her to cover her up …… she wasn’t sure what to think about that, but ran away from them anyway.  🙂

The next pics are of the ice skating rink in Central Park.  I can’t believe how huge it is.  Looks like a lot of fun!

And then there’s Billy Crystal.  He and David Steinberg sat and talked for almost 2 hours.  I had a front row seat, though my first seat was over on the side.  The entire middle front row was empty, which Billy commented on when he came out, asking where the hell all of those people were.

I waited about 30 minutes or so, for a really good laugh, and then tried to stealthily move over to the middle section so that I could see them better.    Of course, Billy had to notice and say something, which is what I feared would happen and what made me wait those 30 minutes.    As soon as I sat down he looked up and said, “Where the hell have you been?!  Should we start over from the beginning?!”  I was a wee bit embarrassed, but happy that I’d managed to score a great seat.  It was a very fun evening.

The next picture is of my dumbo puppy, looking like she’s smoking a big, fat cigar.  That was the night before she started class to become a Therapy Dog.  We started that class last night, and in spite of my trepidation, she did ok.  I mean, we have a couple of things to work on, but she did much better than I thought she would. Oh, and she didn’t take the cigar with her.

The next two pics are for my Gamma Phi sisters.  Tonight was a crescent moon, so I took two pictures.  One farther away, one closer up.  And I thought of each of you as I took them.  🙂

I’m not too certain what that next picture of Gracie is, but the last one was taken after we got home from her class.  She was pooped.  To say the least. She still seems a bit tired, but she perked up today when we went to the Park for a walk.

I’ve spent a lot of time the last few weeks volunteering at the theatre.  It’s been crazy busy but nice to also work with new people and make new friends.  I’m really enjoying being a part of the people there.

So that’s a description of all of those pics.  You can always ask questions if you need to.

Let’s see …… what else?  I’m leaving for Texas this week, to spend a few days at home there, and then driving to Oklahoma with Son #1 for Thanksgiving.  All of the kids, except for Daughter #1, will be there, too.  I have mixed feelings about this.  I haven’t really understood why, except that this is Jim’s home, where he was born, played, worked, grew up.  This is the place we went to take a breather and enjoy the peace and quiet, even before the kids were born.  This was the land where we’d lie down on the grass at night and look at the stars that shone in a way they never did back in Tulsa.  We both loved the farm.  We loved his family.  We loved being there and taking our kids there.

I think my kids still enjoy going there, but it’s more pain than joy for me.  Part of me wants to just hide away during Thanksgiving, while part of me wants to be with my children.  So I’ll go.  I’ll swallow down the pain and focus on being happy and thankful.

When I was wondering why I was feeling this way, it occurred to me that, #1.  This place was a place that I only went to with Jim.  So no wonder it hurts to be there without him.

And ……

#2.  The death march always starts around Thanksgiving.  Even when I don’t remember, my mind and body do.  And for crying out loud, I’d love for that to stop!!!

Because all it does is cause me to miss him.  And miss him.  And miss him. And cry.  I hate crying.

In truth, it’s been a difficult couple of months, if not longer.  I miss him. That’s a given.  But sometimes the missing seems harder, longer and more painful.  And sometimes it makes me question things I’ve always believed, always known.  I’m struggling right now and would appreciate any prayers of believing friends who can spare them.

Here’s what’s going on:     I don’t believe that it was God’s will that Jim would die.  But yet he did.  Bad things happen.  Sometimes to good people.  Jim was good.  I wouldn’t say that I was, but he definitely was.  So that wasn’t God’s will.  Of course, He’s in control and He could’ve stepped in and healed Jim, but He did not.  For whatever reason.

So how do I reconcile a God who lets death happen, to a God I’m supposed to praise and be thankful to when He causes good things to happen?  Does He just step back and let death, carnage in Paris, thousands of refugees die?  He steps back and just lets that happen?                                                   But when something good happens, that’s because He intervened and made it happen?  Why would He step back for one thing and not for all things?  Why would he intervene in some events but not in all?

I’m so tired of hearing things like that; of hearing how marvelous God is because he saved someone.  How very hard people prayed and so God intervened.  People have no idea how very much those words hurt …… no, not just hurt …… but scar people like me.  Like my children.

I realize that there will be people who will believe that I shouldn’t be questioning such things. That thinking that way makes me seem “less than” a believer.  I’m ok with that.  Because I think it’s total B.S. to say that Christians never go through that.  I believe that honest Christians do. So yes, everyone else is lying.

It’s not pretty or popular to tell everyone that you’re struggling. Especially about God. And your faith.  But there you go.  I am.  If there’s one thing I’ve always done here, it’s tell the ugly truth.  I’m struggling.

So think what you will.  Condemn if you want.  Pray if you can.  It’s going to be a tough few weeks.  Right through Christmas and New Years, most likely.  Maybe not.  It would be nice if it didn’t last that long.  Last year was a bit better, so that’s what I’m going for.

Now I shall return to binge watching a show called, “Reign”.  Since I love historical fiction, it’s indeed been a total binge watch.  You can Google it or check it out on Netflix if you want to learn more about it.

Have a great week, Peeps.
❤

Settling In ……

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…… to my Fall schedule here in NY.
I think.

I just had a great week and a half with my friend J visiting me for a week, and then with Son #1 who came for the long weekend. The best part of their visits? We didn’t have to go and see everything. We enjoyed just hanging out with each other and seeing a few things.
I think I’m done with being the official NY tour guide.
Seriously.

Son #1 and I walked down to Times Square on Sunday and hung out there for a while. It’s a great place to people watch.
I took him by the Ed Sullivan Theatre so that he could see the new Stephen Colbert signs. That’s when we noticed signs in the window that stated (more or less), “If you want to get stand by tickets, come back here at 1:00 tomorrow”. And so we did. We were number 17 in the stand by line.
They told us to come back at 4:15, when they would randomly pick numbers to fill in the stand by seats.
So we explored the south end of the city for quite a while before heading back to the theatre to see if our number was picked.
And it was.
Whoop!

We had a great time being in that audience. We were up in the balcony, but had a great view of Elvis Costello and all things Colbert. It was definitely worth the two waits.
After that exciting day we came back to the apartment, heated up leftover Thai food, and watched “King Kong”, with Jack Black. Not a great movie, but it was more about the company than the movie.
I love spending time with my kids.
As does Gracie Lou. ❤

Today I went to BSF (Bible Study Fellowship), which is a great Bible study in any city. This year we’re studying Revelation, which should be a very interesting and exciting study. I’m hoping to make friends with other Christian women in NY and getting to know more people here.
It would’ve helped if my Uber ride hadn’t taken 4o minutes to do a 15 minute drive.
So yeah, I was pretty late by the time I got there.
But there’s always next week. 🙂

I came home afterwards to relax for a bit before I went to my very first Improv class at the theatre where I volunteer.
I wasn’t too sure about doing this, but I’m so glad that I went. It was great fun and I can’t wait until next week.

I left that theatre and headed to a movie theater to see a screening of a new movie called, “Truth”. It’s about CBS and Dan Rather and all of the crap that went down with him and them.
It was very good.

Tomorrow I’m heading to the Meredith Vieira show with my friend, Kelley. That should be fun. Even if it’s not, Kelley and I always have fun together. In fact, there’s a huge chance that we might get thrown out of the audience.
Maybe.

Then tomorrow night I’m going to another movie screening of something called “Room”. I’m not too sure about this one, but hey, it’s free.
We’ll see if “free” makes it worth while.

Thank you to all of you who commented here, on Facebook, by email, or text on my previous post. It helps more than you can know. I’m always humbled when I write something that connects with someone else. Your comments let me know that I’m not alone. And that’s huge.

That’s it for tonight. I can’t keep my eyes open so it’s time to hit the hay before I type something very, very embarrassing.
Yes, it’s happened.

Good night one and all.
I hope you have a wonderful Wednesday.
Oh, and be sure to watch/record the Meredith Vieira show. Who know what/who you might see?!
🙂

There Should Be Two ……

6 Replies

…… hearts sharing this wonderful and exciting time in Daughter #3’s life.

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There should be two of us hugging each other in our excitement, love and tears at how thrilled we are for her and yet how fast time has flown.
There should be two of us thinking that it was only yesterday when she started kindergarten.
There should be two of us talking about what a wonderful man she’s chosen to spend the rest of her life with.

There should be two.
But there’s not.
There’s just me.
Just me thinking all of this and wishing he were here.

I truly am happy, excited and thrilled for my beloved daughter.
And for the man who will become my son.
This young man who reminds me so very much of Jim.
There’s no better compliment that I could give him.

But there should have been two of us there when he asked me for my blessing in marrying our daughter.
We both should have been there to give him that blessing.
Yet there was only me feeling like my heart would burst from the love of her becoming one with him.
And only me feeling like my heart would break because Jim wasn’t there.

I’m so excited at this new chapter in her life. In their lives.
And I’m so lonely without him here to share this excitement with me.
He would love this young man.
He would agree that we now have a Son #4.
He would agree that Christ will be the 3rd person in this marriage, and we couldn’t ask for more.
He would agree that this man will love our daughter the way that she deserves to be loved.
Just as Jim loved me.

There should be two of us.
But there’s not.

There’s just me.
Standing in for the two of us.
Knowing that he’d be proud of this man and happy for our daughter.

That knowledge helps.
A lot.
But it’s still just me.

Where there should be two.

Back ……

2 Replies

…… in my happy place …… New York City.
The weather here is absolutely beautiful.  I have the windows open and am enjoying the street sounds as well as the “fresh” air.
I use quotation marks around the word fresh because …… well, because “fresh” may be a relative state.
I love being able to open the windows in the spring and fall.  In Houston that would be approximately 2.5 days of the year.
I get a lot more days here in NY, but the more I keep my windows open, the more I have to dust.
And dust a lot.
Like …… every day.
And sometimes it seems/looks heavier than regular dust.
But I try to not think about that as I feel the cool air and listen to the sirens, honking, and music that drifts in through my windows.
Or maybe, slams in through my windows.
You get used to the noise.
Really.
I can sleep with my windows open and the noise doesn’t bother me at all. I wonder if I should make one of those sleep machines that has the ambient noises on it, like the sound of rain, a babbling brook, the ocean waves, etc. and add NYC noise?
I bet one or two people would like it.
Besides me.

I’m currently sitting on my sofa with a worn out puppy laid out next to me.
I know how she feels.
As much as I love this city, sometimes I think it’s trying to kill me.

This morning I went to the MET to take a “class” with some other women from the Manhattan Women’s Club. It’s called MET 101 and it’s 4 sessions. I missed the first two, but made it for today and plan to go next week.
Today we talked about painters from post-something to pre-modern. Or something like that.
Don’t judge me …… my brain holds only so much information now. To learn something new, something old has to fall out.

Anyway, we followed our lecturer (very nice and interesting man) through that museum for 2 hours.
TWO.
HOURS.
Of museum-walking.
Which is TOTALLY different from walking on a street, in a park or around a track.
It’s walk a lot-stop-walk a bit-stop-walk a bit more-stop-walk a lot-stop, etc.
It’s a back-killer.
Or maybe that’s just me.

But it was a very interesting morning, in spite of my screaming back and feet, which I totally ignored as I walked 2 miles back through the park, to the grocery store and then home.
The park was so lovely with tulips and pink budding trees all over the place. A bride and groom were doing their pictures in one spot. Behind them was a group of about 5 young people who were singing/selling their cd’s.
Further down was a group of young men who entertain people all over the city. Either that or they all have clones who do.
They do a lot of gymnastic stuff, including lining up about 7 men from the crowd and having one guy run and flip over them. Kind of like Evil Knievel. If you don’t know who that is, you should be on Instagram now.

There was a guy who was using a stick and string to make those huge bubbles, there were people painting/drawing scenes or caricatures of tourists (because people who live here don’t pay anyone for that).

All in all, it was a great walk on a fabulous day.
In spite of my back.

After I got home from the grocery store I did a work out …… still in spite of my screaming back.
And now I’m paying for it.
Well, not if I don’t move off of the couch.
But I’m not sure how long I can sit here without having to get up to do something useful, like finding the TV remote or going to the bathroom.
TMI?

Gracie got to go on a walk this morning, too. Daughter #3 and the little boy she nannies for took her out. She was less than thrilled that I left her with them, but hopefully she behaved herself soon after.

By the way, I learned how difficult it is to do a workout in a room where your puppy is.
She kept trying to get me to throw her toys, pick her up, jump on my feet, back, legs, etc. and just plain give her my attention.
She was a pain.
And now she’s snoozing.
Like messing up my workout was a huge workout for her.
Sheesh.

So, yesterday before my flight up here, I picked up a People magazine. I didn’t pay much attention to the front of it until right before my flight.
That’s when my heart started slamming into my chest and I think I may have hyperventilated a little.
Because of this:
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Oh.
My.
Word.

I have every intention of becoming a serious stalker.
I knew that he had been up here doing something, but I had no idea they were living here.
How did I know that he was up here?
Daughter #3’s BF sent me these, the day after I left last time:
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He added, “So … George is here shooting a movie… Just saw him. Thought you should know.”
I wanted to kick him.
The BF, not George.
I mean, how dare he see George?!!!
Yet, I liked the pictures.

So now I’m on the search for George. I’m not sure what the first step should be, but hopefully it doesn’t involve me getting off of this couch.

🙂

P.S. Here’s a picture of Miss Gracie, being excited to find herself back in the city!
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