After my first Plan A ended tragically, and all too soon, I came up with my second Plan A. It took a while, but now I'm ready to live again. And live fully.
…… for at least some people, the 7 (seven) year mark does not mean that I am all better.
That I am healed. That I am over the loss of the other half of me.
That tears do not come now.
That I no longer miss him.
When I think about that last non-friend who posted how I should no longer be mourning Jim, I want to scream. It didn’t affect me like that at the time. I just felt sorry for her.
But now, NOW it pisses me off.
Because who the the hell does she think she is, that she can tell me, ME, the one who had Jim ripped out of her life and her children’s lives, how I’m supposed to feel now. I’d like to punch her in the face right now.
Tonight.
And probably for the next few weeks.
This is the hard time.
Yes, it’s much easier here in NY. SO much easier. But that doesn’t mean that it’s painless. Because it’s not. I still miss him. And I still cry when I type that. Every damn time.
My life is good.
I am happy.
I’m content.
I feel joy.
But I also feel loss.
I feel the hole left in my heart.
I miss him more than I can say.
And I don’t expect that to ever change.
This time of the year will always bring joy and sorrow to my family.
It is what it is.
I loved him with all of my being.
I still love him.
I will always love him.
I never took him for granted.
I knew that I was blessed.
And, truthfully, I never thought for one second, that I deserved him.
I thanked God for him on a daily basis.
And though I didn’t feel worthy, God blessed me with him.
So …… when it comes to thinking of another love …… I doubt very much that that will happen.
Because I know I’m not worthy of two great loves in one life.
You may think differently, but that’s what’s ingrained into my brain. Into the very fiber of my being. I will never have another love as true and as wonderful as Jim.
And really …… I’m mostly ok with that. Because I had a love and a relationship that very few people have.
Which makes me sad. For those people.
But at least I had it.
I can’t expect it to happen again.
So I don’t.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t long for it to happen again.
But I guess I’m a realist. If I was so blessed to have it once, it’s not very likely that I’ll find it again.
Part of me is ok with that. I like doing what I want to do, when I want to do it. I like having all of the closet space. I like having a pretty clean garage.
I like my independence.
But I’d also like to have love and security in my life. The kind of security that comes from having someone who has your back, no matter what.
I miss that.
I miss holding his hand.
I miss falling asleep next to him.
I miss catching his eye from across a room, and feeling the warmth that came with that look.
I miss the family that we had.
Things would be so different if he were still here.
So much better.
But …… it is what it is.
So I try to make it better.
As much as I can.
I don’t have as much power as I wish I had.
OK, it’s not silvery, but then it’s not a moon, either.
I’m sitting in my dark living room …… which really isn’t dark because the lights on the Christmas tree are twinkling and dancing and preventing the room from really being dark.
I haven’t truly enjoyed sitting in the almost-dark, looking at the tree, for several years now.
But this year, I feel differently.
This was one of Jim’s favorite things about this time of year. After all of the kids were in bed, and after we had turned all of the lights out and were headed to bed, he’d ask me to come and sit in the living room with him …… to just sit and look at the tree …… and the lights.
I can’t see the lights, and not think of him.
I miss sitting on the sofa, his arm wrapped around me, my head on his shoulder.
I miss the silence that actually said so much.
But I’m thankful that I can now sit and enjoy the lights …… and the silence that still says so much.
It says different things now, but I can sit with it …… and be ok.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t miss him.
That doesn’t mean that I’m ok with him being dead.
It just means that I’m ok with enjoying things again …… and enjoying the memories of him.
It’s definitely easier to enjoy this time of year here in New York.
And for that I’m very, very grateful.
There are no memories here, except for the ones I’ve made in my “after”.
I hope that my children feel the same way.
This time of year is a bitch to go through.
In eleven days we’ll hit the seven year mark.
Which, as always, is unbelievable.
But it comes, whether we believe it or not.
Time is kind of relentless like that.
But it’s also nice to be able to sit with the memories.
Instead of being overwhelmed with them.
It’s nice to be able to smile with the remembering.
Instead of being wracked with sobs.
I hope that those of you who can …… will take the time to sit with your loved one …… and enjoy the lights on the tree. And the silence …… that says so much.
And I hope that those of you who can’t …… will be able to sit and enjoy the memories.
❤
…… here in NYC.
Or at least, here in my neighborhood.
There was a huge (supposedly the largest in the City) Holiday celebration in and around Lincoln Center and Columbus Circle.
There were tents set up from various local restaurants, bakeries, stores, etc.
I didn’t notice this last year …… and I’m thinking that I must’ve been away that night because there was no way to NOT know about it from inside my apartment.
There were bands playing all around, people singing, dancing and just plain noisily celebrating.
It was great.
This guy was on stilts. Very high stilts. Several people were walking around on them, engaging small children in games of “Catch the Christmas Ball”.
I may, or may not, have just made that up. I have no idea what they were doing, other than throwing a glowing ball and having the kids run for it and bring it back.
Like “Fetch”.
Mostly.
This guy was making an ice sculpture of a nutcracker:
He’s pretty dang good, is he not?
So …… I have to admit …… I have no idea why they call it Winter’s Eve. Winter doesn’t start tomorrow. It starts on December 21st.
Maybe they just mean the eve of winter in general …… the winter season, as it were.
Are you as excited about this topic as I am?
That’s what I thought.
Moving along ……
Gracie and I flew here today. She did pretty well on the plane. She whined but at least she didn’t scream. Her screams are ear-piercing, and I’m quite certain that if she were to start up with that …… we’d both be escorted off of the plane.
So far, so good.
I came home from the lake on Saturday. Everyone else headed home, too.
Son #3 picked his car up from the shop and drove to Dallas to visit a friend.
His car needed a side mirror replaced, all fluids topped off, an oil change, 2 new tires, and some cosmetic work inside.
A few hours after he left I received a text from him with this picture attached:
Yes …… it’s a tire iron.
It came flying off of a semi.
And launched itself here:
Karma can be a real bitch.
Or at least, trucks that don’t have things locked down can.
Of course he wasn’t able to get any info off of the truck. I’m guessing that he was so stunned by the noise that he was lucky to not have a wreck.
I’m thankful that he’s ok.
And hopeful that the damage is just cosmetic and not further beneath.
Life.
So.
Much.
Fun.
Speaking of fun …… my Christmas tree was delivered today.
Last year it wasn’t in a box. But I think this tree is a lot nicer than the one I got last year. Both of them were Groupon purchases.
Sometimes, Groupon totally rocks.
I pulled out all of my Christmas decorations after we set up the tree:
(When I say “we” I mean Daughter #1 and K. They came to spend a day or two here since they didn’t get to see us for Thanksgiving. 🙂 )
That’s the box that contains all of them.
ALL.
That makes me grin.
Here’s how the tree looks now:
I think it looks great and smells even better!
My friend Lisa is flying in tomorrow. She’s never spent time in NY so we’re going to have a blast.
And she’ll return home FULL of Christmas spirit.
As long as the cold weather comes back where it belongs. It was in the high 60’s today when I landed. I was not a happy camper. I’m sick of warm weather.
Thankfully, it rained some tonight and the temps fell about 20 degrees in 2 hours.
Picture me happy.
🙂
Well …… I think that’s all the news I have. Although none of this was really “news”, so much as boring story-telling.
Other than the tire iron thing …… that wasn’t boring.
For anyone.
That’s what’s been going on around here.
Well, except for binge watching a few TV series. And while I enjoy Kerry Washington, I can tell you that continuous watching of Olivia Pope reveals a limited range of emotions. She seems to have three: somewhat happy, very ticked off, and very, very bossy.
I like her clothes but I’m getting awfully bored of winter white.
Anyway, the reason that my life has sunk to such a boring low as to critique a tv show character, is that I have spent the last 19 days in a lot of pain. When I went to the doctor on Friday (because isn’t it ALWAYS on a Friday?!), I thought that it had only been 10 days. I was wrong.
I left out an entire week.
Which shows you what pain tends to do to someone after several days.
Or maybe just to me.
It started on my right side, above my hip, just below my waist (or where a waist would be if I had one) and more to the back side. My right “flank”, I discovered, when I decided to google it after several days.
Yeah, like a mare.
Wonderful.
I thought that maybe I had over done it at my last barre class in NY, because it started bothering me while I was sleeping that night.
I didn’t have a point of injury, nor felt any pain as if something had happened, so I’m still not too sure where this came from.
I saw an orthopedic on Thursday and he diagnosed it as sciatica, which wasn’t a huge surprise to me, although I’ve never experienced anything like this. The pain moves every day to a different location on my right side. One day it’s below my waist. The next it’s low on my front right side. Then it’s down at the top of my back thigh. Which makes sitting down very, very painful.
As well as walking, lying down, and standing.
Walking up stairs is right out.
The dr. prescribed some steroids and anti-inflammatories. That first evening I started feeling relief and was very hopeful.
But the next morning (yesterday) the pain was back just as bad as the day before and it never really let up.
Ditto today.
This should make grocery shopping for Thanksgiving dinner very, very interesting tomorrow.
Maybe I’ll just ride one of those scooters and make 15 trips in and out of the store with that little basket.
If you see me out, please refrain from laughing too hard.
In other news, when you’re a puppy that weighs only 2 lbs …… the vet has to do things a wee bit differently:
See that box behind her? It contains mosquito/heart worm prevention meds.
For kittens.
Talk about a sock to the ego!
Not that I’ve told Gracie that. I’m going to spare her that humiliation.
She is still so cute that I’m truly worried about diabetes.
But you can judge that for yourself from the above picture and this one:
She and Son #2’s kitten are slowly becoming friends. But interestingly enough, watching them interact is kind of like watching “Groundhog Day”. They start off each morning fighting and chasing and bopping each other.
Well, the kitten does the bopping. Gracie just runs like the wind and barks.
But by the time evening comes, they’re sitting next to each other and following each other around the room.
And then they go to bed.
And we start all over again.
It’s a lot more entertaining than “90 Day Fiancee”, or “Naked and Afraid”.
Not that I know that personally.
Pain can take you to some really low places.
OK, enough.
I’m now returning to my current binge:
Benedict Cumberbatch.
In “Sherlock”.
I’m only 2 episodes in but I’m finding him thoroughly enjoyable.
Hopefully he won’t pull a Kerry Washington on me.
There’s only so much winter white a person can stand.
So, yeah, I finished Season 1 yesterday. I am now ready to watch Season 2! Whoop!
Tonight!! Double Whoop!!!
Yesterday was a busy day.
I went to barre class in the morning (I’ve now gone 3 days in a row, and yes, it’s still killing me), then came back to relax and finish The BL.
For those of you who were under a rock this past weekend (or who don’t live in NY), NYC had what has been purported to be THE largest climate rally in history.
Which begs the question: How long have we been having these rallies because this is the first time I ever heard of it.
There were over 400,000 people at this event. And it all started just down the street from my apartment …… at Columbus Circle.
Which looked a whole lot like this:
There were people EVERYWHERE!!
The parade was so big (How big was it?!) that, for people standing somewhere along the middle of the route, it took over an hour and a half for the parade to reach them. It was 3 miles long and took over 5 hours to complete.
I wasn’t too bothered by the parade and the massive amount of people. I had a show to go see in the afternoon, but I thought that I would be avoiding the masses since I was going in the other direction.
Wrong!!
Completely and totally WRONG!
I had no idea how massive the rally was nor that the multitude was spilling over in streets in every direction!
So my plan to leave 30 minutes before the show was, in hindsight, a pretty stupid plan.
On a nice day it only takes me 20 minutes to get to the Theatre District/Times Square. And yesterday was a nice day (although it was too warm, but there you go) …… so I didn’t think twice about my timing.
I ended up running at least half of the distance to the theatre. Running where I could find space to run.
Running in and around somewhere around 400,000 people.
Running, in boots.
Running, in boots with heels.
My feet are still ticked off at me.
I arrived at the theatre less than 5 minutes before curtain.
I had a huge blister on the bottom of both feet.
And I was drenched in sweat.
Fortunately, this is what I was seeing:
It’s not what you call a “dressy” show.
It’s the third time I’ve seen it. Twice with Neil Patrick Harris (sigh ……) and yesterday with Andrew Rannells (whom I saw in “The Book of Mormon”). He was very, very good.
He’s not Neil, but no one is (sigh ……). But he was certainly worth seeing.
He’s doing this show until the middle of October.
Then, a guy named Michael C. Hall is going to star in it. If you’re not sure who he is, he just finished the last season of a little show called, “Dexter”. If you know that show ……
I KNOW!!! Can you believe it??? I can NOT picture him doing Hedwig.
If you don’t know that show, good for you. I wish I didn’t. It was very disturbing. I never finished the first season.
After the show, I limped down 44th street to take in the annual Broadway Cares Flea Market.
Once again I was surrounded by a throng of people.
A throng is a whole lot.
I’ve never seen so many old Playbills in my life! I think every single table was selling them. Each theatre had a table set up with those, albums, cds, props, costumes, etc. It was fun to look through all that they had.
I ended up buying this t-shirt, because people are always asking me what the difference is/which spelling is correct.
That’s all I purchased. I figure I have more than enough current Playbills.
🙂
After that I stopped for dinner at a decent Mexican restaurant and then I went to church. But I had just eaten, I was hot (the building was very warm) and I was exhausted.
You do the math.
This morning, when I came out of barre class, 8th Avenue was packed with black vehicles. I’m talking a parking lot.
Black limos, black Escalades, black Lincolns. They were triple and quadruple parked. Men dressed in black suits, wearing earbuds, were standing all around.
I couldn’t figure out what was going on and just hoped I hadn’t popped onto the scene like any in “The Blacklist”.
Because, you know …… New York!
But then I saw a sign in one of the car windows that read, “Argentine delegation”, so I knew it was part of the huge U.N. Summit on, what else?, climate control.
I wanted to take a picture for you all, but after my last experience with taking a picture of something that looked kind of sketchy (you know, when I was stopped in Paris by the military for taking a picture of something I still can’t define, but knew it was government/military related), there’s no way I was going to chance get arrested over a picture!!
OK, I’m totally kidding!
Not about the Paris Picture Caper …… that really happened, but about taking pictures today.
See what I do for your entertainment?!
You’re welcome.
Tomorrow I’m touring around Hoboken.
I hope the blisters are gone by then.
Ha!
I did something new today.
Something I never imagined I’d ever do.
And though it was pretty dang easy, I’m still proud of myself for the accomplishment.
I put this ……
on to this ……
I KNOW!!!!
And then I replaced another one.
Two toilet seats in one afternoon!
I didn’t intend to do that when I got up this morning.
In fact, all I intended to do was drive about 45 minutes to the rheumatologist.
That’s another story that I hope I remember to tell you after I tell you the toilet story.
But I probably won’t.
Any-whooooo, after I finished with the dr. I stopped at a Home Depot on the way home to pick up some bird seed and air filters.
Then, like so many, many times in my days life, I got distracted while passing by the aisles. When I saw the word “bathrooms” I thought, “I really want to change out my toilet seat!”, so I turned down that aisle.
You see, we had the non-slamming toilet seats in the other house, and I’ve missed them.
And, because I loathe previously-used toilet seats, I wanted a fresh one.
So I perused the toilet seats for a while, as I tried to remember if I have elongated or round toilets.
And no, I wasn’t sure.
So I called Son #3 and asked him.
Of course he knew.
Whatever.
Then, not only did I get a non-slamming toilet lid, but I also got a super-cool lid.
Here it is again …… notice anything?
Yep! It DOES have a built-in light on it!! So now I don’t have to turn the light on in the middle of the night, just to make sure there’s not a snake in the toilet.
Yes, I’m serious.
Every. Single. Time.
Since I was small.
No, I don’t know why …… except that I’ve read stories.
And have a friend who had a large rodent come up through her toilet.
So I check.
Compulsively.
Make fun of me all you want, but know this ……
I’ve never been bitten by a snake in my toilet.
Ha!
So yeah, two toilet lids.
And four air filters.
Well, three really.
But also four.
You see, I have high ceilings.
Some are very, very high.
So I had to use my imagination to reach one of the air filters.
This should come as no surprise to those of you who are on Facebook and saw that this is what it took for me to fix my ceiling fan:
So yeah, I used a chair and a soft-sided ottoman. And I still had to put one foot on the ledge in order to reach that dang thing.
You’ll probably be relieved to know that I used this when I put the new filter in:
But the vent in my bedroom ceiling is way too high for me to reach, even with the ladder.
So I used this:
And it worked very, very well.
And was quite easy.
🙂
Then I went outside and stood on the grill so that I could reach one of the bird feeders that’s high in a tree.
No photos of that, though.
Now both bird feeders are full to the brim.
So the birds will have sustenance while I’m in NY.
Let’s see …… what else?
Oh yeah, the doctor.
So after my first visit with him last month, I had several tubes of blood drawn and several x-rays of my hands and feet.
All of which came back very normal.
With no sign of any damage nor any inflammation.
Which, yes, is a good thing.
Except for the fact that I have pain 24/7.
All.
Of.
The.
Time.
Sometimes it’s worse than other times, but it’s always there.
It rarely stops me from doing what I want to do because I just push it aside, knowing that I’ll most likely pay the consequences later.
But I will not be stopped by whatever this is.
This …… that appears to be nothing.
If I don’t have RA, that would explain why I never felt any relief from ANY of the toxic meds the first doctor prescribed.
But it still begs the question …… what’s going on?
No one knows.
So we take a wild guess, and treat the symptoms on a hunch.
I start a new med tonight.
It’s a “cross-over drug” that can treat RA and a couple of other inflammatory problems.
Except for psoriatic arthritis. If I have that, then this medication will bring it out in all it’s ugliness and pain.
But at least we’d know what it is if that happens, which is rare.
I have learned to not count out things that are rare.
Ever.
This med is also a malaria treatment, which is a bonus if I decide to go to Africa in the next couple of months. 🙂
It’s also a lighter kind of med with very few side effects.
It doesn’t cause cancer like methotrexate sometimes will.
Or Remicade.
Both of which I had.
Sweet.
It also takes a while to make a difference, if a difference is to be made.
Of course it does.
So I go back to see this doctor the week before Thanksgiving.
I’m not all that hopeful that this will work, since nothing has worked since all of this started.
The pain is always worse in the evenings, which makes evenings alone SO MUCH FUN!
But, I’m too excited to care about any of this right now.
Because I’m flying to NY tomorrow morning.
I am SO excited that I doubt I’ll get much sleep tonight.
Which really, isn’t so very different from most nights.
But it won’t be frustrating this time, because …… New York!!!!
See you from the Big Apple, Peeps!!!
WHOOP!!!!!!
🙂
…… busy.
But then I’m sure that’s news to no one. 🙂
I spent the weekend in Oklahoma and returned to Houston today. It was pretty much a last-minute decision. Every Wednesday United Airlines comes out with a list of “cheap fares” for the upcoming weekend. Last week Tulsa was on the list, so I called Vicki and asked/told her that I was coming up to help.
I can’t remember if I wrote about this or not, but when she had surgery after she broke her leg very, very badly, her foot basically had to be re-attached to her leg. You know, with metal plates and screws and fun stuff like that.
As difficult as this might be to believe …… the surgeon attached it at an angle.
And not in a good way.
When she would put her legs out in front of her straight, her knees would both point up, as would her left foot. But her right foot was turned outward …… which was a little freaky to see.
Her surgeon didn’t think it would be a big deal, but she (and everyone else in the world, especially HER world) disagreed, and encouraged her to make an appointment to tell him that she wanted it fixed.
Which also meant that the weeks she had spent going to/working at physical therapy, were a complete waste of time.
But, she had a second surgery a week and a half ago, and now she’s back to square one. No weight bearing on that foot for at least three more weeks and then hopefully she can start PT.
She may still be using a walker/wheel chair at Christmas.
Bummer.
But hey, at least her right foot is on straight.
🙂
The first time I went up to stay with her and help out (about 2 weeks after the first surgery), I walked into her house and she came out of her bedroom, using a walker.
I looked at her and said, “You know, I knew that this day would come …… I just didn’t expect it to come for another 20 or so years!”.
And though she was unable to walk, we really did have a great week.
As we did this time (only it was less than 9 days this time …… and only about 3). Both times I was the chauffeur for her and her lovely 12 year old daughter. I also helped with the house, the laundry, dishes, etc.
Nothing spectacular (except helping her organize her jewelry and board games cabinet …… and you know how much I LOVE to organize!), just the every day kind of housework things.
Oh, and I made great margaritas.
And home made Bailey’s drinks …… were are WAY better than Bailey’s. 🙂
But we also spent time just sitting and talking …… both times.
I got there Saturday afternoon, while her family was at OSU for the football game that evening. She and I watched, and loved, that game. GO COWBOYS!!!!
People have been very nice and have brought the family dinner a few times a week, which is so wonderful when you’re off of your feet, or just had a baby, or are in shock from grief. It’s nice to not have to have to think about what to feed your family because someone wonderful brings all of you a warm meal.
Or almost all of you.
I told her that I was going to blog about this, because I find it hilarious, and a bit stunning.
When I was there the first time, this little old lady from their church brought dinner over one afternoon. She didn’t stay to chit chat, nor even acted like she wanted to stay, but she told Vicki what she had brought for dinner.
And dessert.
She had made chocolate chip cookies.
And she told Vicki, not once, but twice, “I made those cookies myself.”
Ummmmmm, ok? And thank you very much?
She and her grandson took the food into the kitchen and put everything on the counter and then left. I let them out the door, since Vicki was stuck in an office chair (it had wheels so she could roll around the house). Then we both walked/rolled into the kitchen. The woman had made a roast with vegetables. A roast that she got out of Vicki’s freezer, then took home and cooked.
She also brought cookies.
Here’s a picture:
Yep, your eyes are fine.
Yep, there are only 3 (THREE) cookies in that bag.
Three.
There are four people living in that house, and I’m not one of them.
That sight was the most hilarious thing I’d seen in a long time.
And it was made more hilarious by her pointing out that SHE had made those cookies.
All three of them.
What.
The.
Heck?!
When you make a meal for someone, do you make a recipe and then only take about an eighth of it to the person’s house?!
It was just soooo funny.
To be fair, the woman also brought three small chocolate chip muffins.
Which really doesn’t change anything.
It’s still hilarious.
And yes, it was very nice of her to make dinner.
But it was still hilarious.
Fortunately they’re still getting dinners. And Sunday they got an entire 9×13 pan of brownies.
🙂
And now I have a question for you.
See these?
Do you notice how similar they look when they’re face down?
Yeah, well, they’re not so very similar when you brush your teeth with the wrong one.
I’ll pause while you laugh.
And I hope that you pee your pants.
:-p
Yes, I brushed my teeth with Clearasil.
Or rather, I started brushing my teeth with Clearasil.
It didn’t take very long to realize that Crest was not in my mouth.
Or on my toothbrush.
Live and learn, Peeps.
Live and learn.
In other news …… this time Thursday, I’ll be in NY!!!!!
WHOOP, WHOOP, WHOOP!!!!!!!!!!
Can you tell that I’m just a teeny bit excited?
🙂
And even better, I really don’t have much packing to do!
I’ve packed one empty suitcase inside another empty suitcase.
All of my fall/winter clothes are in NY and I need to bring some back.
Other than that, I’m taking my Tulsa suitcase and it’s still packed.
This means that I can spend time binge-watching “The Black List”!
It’s SO good. I didn’t watch it last season, though I wanted to.
I always have problems watching shows consistently. Especially shows that you should watch each week to understand.
Maybe it’s a commitment issue.
So thank goodness for internet, Netflix, and network sites that allow you to watch their shows.
It’s now after midnight. I need to go so that I can finish the latest binge. I think I’m on episode 8 or 9.
I may have to start it over since it’s been well over 12 hours since I started it, and I couldn’t figure out why it didn’t look anything like the end of the episode before. Nor did it explain why. One minute/end of an episode someone’s getting shot in the head, the next minute/start of the next episode the setting is completely different and everyone who was captured by bad guys, are no longer captured.
That may be another reason that I didn’t watch it during the season.
It fries my brain.
Which really doesn’t need any more frying.
Really.
Happy Wednesday, Peeps.
And be sure to make certain that it’s toothpaste you’re putting on your toothbrush.
I’m just sayin’ ……
I haven’t even been here for a week yet and I’m feeling sad more than I’m not.
I love my home, truly love it. And it’s nice to spend time with the boys, even if it’s only a few seconds a day.
But that’s part of the problem. They just come and go and rarely stay. They rarely want to just hang out with mom, which I know is normal.
But normal is lonely.
When I’m in NY I’m alone much of the time, but I don’t feel lonely. I think the loneliness comes from living in a place where I used to be very busy, and had a lot of friends to go out with, or call, or hang with.
When Jim when was alive.
When I was married.
Sometimes it feels gut-wrenching to live in the exact same place, but have a very different life.
When Jim was alive, things were always busy. Granted, the kids were all younger and so there was more to do with them, and we were very involved with our church and our community.
Having a night at home …… a night where we didn’t have to go anywhere …… was wonderful.
Now that’s the only kind of night I have.
And while I like having time to myself, having time 24/7 to myself isn’t wonderful.
Not here, anyway.
Not as long as I can remember how it was …… “before”.
“Before” I had plans all of the time.
“Before” I didn’t have to invite myself over to a friend’s house, or be made to feel that I was.
“Before” I never would’ve thought of taking a taxi home from the airport, because I had no one to call. I wouldn’t have worried that if I called someone for a ride they’d feel that I was using them.
Today was a lovely day …… weather-wise. I sat outside and got some work done and read and studied.
Alone.
I’m finding that when you’re always alone, even the loveliest of days can be painful.
I have been blessed beyond belief in my life. Both in my “before” and in my “after”.
But there are still times …… and there will always be times …… when the pain of missing my “before”, brings tears that blind me to the blessings.
For a while.
I returned to Texas from Oregon on Tuesday. I had a nice time being up there. It’s interesting when I hang out with my father, because it helps me to understand where my non-talking tendency comes from. He and I can drive in a car for 2+ hours, or just hang out at his house for a few days and few words are spoken. Even when Son $1 came to join us, we were people of few words.
And it was ok.
I hate being around people who are uncomfortable with silence. I’m not that good at making small talk.
Interestingly enough, this was apparent the morning I left to fly to Oregon. I was at the Houston airport at 6:30 in the morning. An ungodly hour to be anywhere, in my opinion.
I walked into a retail store there to kill some time. As soon as I walked in, the woman who worked there said hello and asked me if I was looking for anything in particular. To which I replied, “No thanks, I’m just looking.” She said ok and then stayed back while I wandered. After about 5 minutes she popped up next to me and asked, “Do you have any questions about anything?”. I said, “No. Thank you.” and continued to wander.
After a few more minutes I decided to purchase something so I took it up to the register. This conversation ensued:
Her: “So, you’re not much of a morning talker are you?”
Me: “I’m not much of a morning anything.”
Her: “Oh, I could tell right away that you weren’t a talker so I knew to just leave you alone. I know that people who aren’t morning people hate it when I try to make conversation with them, so I try to just leave them be. Like I did with you. I’m a morning person, all the way. I could just talk all day long!”
Me: “I haven’t had any coffee yet.”
Her: “Oh, I don’t drink coffee. I don’t think I really need it in the mornings. I just pop right out of bed, ready to go and ready to talk to whoever will listen!”
Me: “Yes, you don’t need to drink coffee.”
Her: “That’s exactly what my friends say. They say, “Please don’t ever start drinking coffee or we’ll never be able to shut you up. Can you believe that? I guess I’m just one of those people who won’t ever need coffee in the morning to wake up. I guess I’ve really never had a problem with that. I’m good with mornings. But I know when I meet someone who’s not and I do my best to just give them some space and let them take their time without badgering them with a lot of questions.”
Me: “Thank you.”
And then she offered me two different bags, like one was so much better than the other, and I was done. And out of there.
I think she was a little sad, because I was the only customer in there.
But by the time I left I had a headache starting.
So anyway ….. I had a good time in Oregon. My father took me for a ride on his Harley and the weather and scenery were beautiful. It’s so peaceful where he lives, next to the McKenzie River.
Son #1 arrived on Saturday so we picked him him, stopped at a grocery store to get some picnic food and then drove out to my sister’s house for a family reunion.
She hosted the first one last year and we both went to it. There were a lot more people this year, and several brought their instruments so we had a few singing sessions, which was very nice.
I met a lot of relatives that I’d never met, let alone heard of, before. Everyone was very nice.
It’s strange to be in a setting where the majority of people know who you are, and know many things about you, but you know none of them.
Very strange.
But we had a good time.
My father took me up to the lava beds up that way and to some falls. We did this the day before S1 arrived. Oregon is absolutely beautiful. The falls were breathtaking.
It was a quiet and restful visit. We didn’t talk a lot, but then we never have. It was nice to just be with him.
Hopefully he liked it, too.
I came back to Texas Tuesday night (Son #1 left Monday). Yesterday (Wednesday) was a weirdly depressing day. I don’t know why, other than leaving Oregon. But I’m not usually emotional when leaving. I just really missed Jim a lot yesterday. I miss him every day, but some days I just miss him to my very core.
This was one of those days.
So I decided to go see a couple of movies: “Lucy” and “And So It Goes”.
“Lucy” was interesting enough, though not all that terrific. I felt like I’d seen most of it on all of the commercials.
“And So It Goes” was very disappointing. I became more depressed the longer I sat in there. I didn’t enjoy the movie and I kept thinking about leaving. But I knew that if I left I’d just be going home to a quiet house, so I stayed. It never really got any better.
Afterwards I made a big trip to the grocery store before heading home.
And I missed Jim all the more.
Today I got up early so that I could join some neighborhood people in working out with a personal trainer.
And boy was it work!!! One of my new friends kept asking me if I was having fun. I found that working out with this killer trainer, was about as much fun as being in a barre class. It was work. Very hard, difficult work.
The word “fun” never entered my mind.
But it was a good workout so I’ll go back.
Lord help me.
There were about 7 of us there, so it was very nice to finally meet people from the neighborhood. There all very nice and encouraging. I look forward to meeting more.
After that I was too bone-tired to do anything except flop on my bed. I woke up 3 hours later, and even though I felt I could sleep another five, I made myself get up.
I think the traveling is starting to get to me. The last few times I’ve traveled I’ve felt like I was going into a coma because I was so exhausted.
I’m not a happy camper.
I don’t like being that tired.
I don’t like sleeping a day away.
Or even a morning.
OK, time to stop whining and post some pictures.
I hope you enjoy them.
🙂
This was taken as we were approaching San Francisco. Lovely view!
This is my father’s dog, Rover. He’s a great dog.
These are one of my father’s gifts: he makes great margaritas!
When Rover likes you, and wants you to pet him, he lies in front of you with one paw on your foot. And keeps it there.
This is the Harley. So fun to ride on …… behind my father. Not in front. No way. And most likely, not behind anyone but him.
This is me, after the Harley ride. It was great. And beautiful!!
These pics are on the old highway to the lava beds. The two lanes are very, very, VERY narrow as you go up and up and up. And the edge of the road? Straight down. I’ve never felt car sick. Until this ride.
This was one out of about a bazillion signs that warned of the curves.
These are the lava beds …… or at least the beginning of them:
I loved this picture: life among death.
Speaking of life, these chipmunks were hysterical. They were at a picture stop there and as soon as I got out of the car, they were running straight up to me …… to my feet. I thought they might start climbing up my legs, which was a bit unsettling.
I happened to have some pretzels left from the flight in, so I hand fed them. I’ll try to upload the video.
They were SO cute!
This was a kind of memorial marker that was really cool. We walked up to it and inside there are several small windows that encircle it. Each window has a plaque under it that has the name of a mountain. When you look through that window, you can see that mountain. It was so neat!
Inside view:
This had the name of a crater:
And there’s the crater:
There are three mountains there called “The Sisters” and this one had the name, Middle Sister.
And there she is:
Here are the other two sisters:
This is another view of the outside of that marker:
And here’s the first of the three falls. They were so beautiful. You start at the top, where this one is, and then walk, and walk, and walk, and walk down a path that runs along side of them. Then you come to a middle falls, and then further down, a third falls. It was absolutely gorgeous.
This is my sister’s dog, Pendleton. He has his own bowling ball for a toy. Yep, a real bowling ball. Heavy, with three finger holes. They’ve named it Alice.
He takes great umbridge if anyone gets close to this ball, let alone touches it.
He turns it over and over and over, using his paws and hit tongue ……
…… to find those three holes so that he can get his teeth in there juuuust right ……
…… and then he carries it around. It’s freakin’ hilarious!!
Son #1, chillaxin’ at the reunion.
Making music:
My feet, freezing in the McKenzie River.
Dinner on the deck.
So there you have it. My trip to Oregon.
And now I have to go outside and film this huge lightening storm that’s going on. It looks like there’s a humongus strobe light up in the sky, rather than just lightening.
Weird.
My Second Plan A 