…… and not liking it.

I haven’t even been here for a week yet and I’m feeling sad more than I’m not.

I love my home, truly love it. And it’s nice to spend time with the boys, even if it’s only a few seconds a day.
But that’s part of the problem. They just come and go and rarely stay. They rarely want to just hang out with mom, which I know is normal.
But normal is lonely.

When I’m in NY I’m alone much of the time, but I don’t feel lonely. I think the loneliness comes from living in a place where I used to be very busy, and had a lot of friends to go out with, or call, or hang with.
When Jim when was alive.
When I was married.

Sometimes it feels gut-wrenching to live in the exact same place, but have a very different life.

When Jim was alive, things were always busy. Granted, the kids were all younger and so there was more to do with them, and we were very involved with our church and our community.
Having a night at home …… a night where we didn’t have to go anywhere …… was wonderful.
Now that’s the only kind of night I have.
And while I like having time to myself, having time 24/7 to myself isn’t wonderful.
Not here, anyway.
Not as long as I can remember how it was …… “before”.

“Before” I had plans all of the time.
“Before” I didn’t have to invite myself over to a friend’s house, or be made to feel that I was.
“Before” I never would’ve thought of taking a taxi home from the airport, because I had no one to call. I wouldn’t have worried that if I called someone for a ride they’d feel that I was using them.

Today was a lovely day …… weather-wise. I sat outside and got some work done and read and studied.
Alone.
I’m finding that when you’re always alone, even the loveliest of days can be painful.

I have been blessed beyond belief in my life. Both in my “before” and in my “after”.
But there are still times …… and there will always be times …… when the pain of missing my “before”, brings tears that blind me to the blessings.
For a while.