Tag Archives: Hope

Sweating in Texas ……

A Surprise Around Every Corner ……

…… can be found in this city.

Seriously.
Every.
Single.
Corner.

I was checking out the neighborhood around my church yesterday since I had some time to kill before the service started.
Imagine my surprise when, as I was walking around a NYC block, I came upon this:

I know, right?!!
Who would’ve thought there’d be a waterfall smack dab in the middle of the city?!

That’s not the only thing I discovered.
It seems that the church is not only behind a park with a waterfall, but in a neighborhood of embassies.
These two are across the street:

They might not be as cool as a waterfall, but I think they’re pretty interesting.

After church I went up to the roof of my building.
As usual, the view was beautiful.

That’s pretty much all I have for you today.
Other than the fact that it’s blazing hot here …… which I know makes my Texas friends roll their eyes.
But I’ve been surprised (though I’m not sure why …… it’s not as if this is my first summer here) by the intensity of the heat.
The temperature reads in the low 90’s, which made me think, “Yay!”. But in reality, temperatures in the low 90’s in a cement jungle, with as much humidity as Houston, makes for a pretty miserable outdoor experience.

Thankfully, if you live in NY you really never have to leave your building.
Truly. If you’re an agoraphobic, this is THE best place to live. Everything you could ever need can be delivered to your apartment.
Many times in less than an hour.
Even Amazon.
Though I may have to re-evaluate using that site, based on today’s news.
Innocent until proven guilty.
Except in the eyes of the press.

Anyway, I still went out today.
Though not very far.
I went to a movie with a few friends from my building.
The movie was in an Indie movie theatre that’s below our building.
So yeah, it’s pretty convenient.

We saw a foreign film entitled, “Phoenix”.
It was a very good movie.

Oh, and I also saw the new Meryl Streep movie, “Ricki and the Flash” last week.
While I didn’t think it’s one of her best, I still enjoyed it.
I mean …… it’s Meryl Streep.
What’s not to love?
And I happen to enjoy Kevin Klein quite a bit, too.
And then there’s Rick Springfield.
That’s all I need to say about that.

So there you go.
An update from THE city.
And a less emotional day.
Yay for that.

And yay that Tracy Morgan is going to host SNL sometime in October.
He’s come a long way on a very hard road.
And I’m looking forward to seeing him and hearing his humor again.

The End.
For now.

“She’s Going to Be Famous” ……

5 Replies

…… is what a woman told me yesterday while she was petting Gracie.

Daughter #1 was in town and we were down in Hell’s Kitchen at a flea market and I was schlepping Gracie around in my bag. It was blazing hot and I think she was still tired from our two mile walk through the Park the day before.
She also doesn’t really care for walking where there’s traffic and a lot of people.
Oh, and hot cement.

So yeah, she was in my bag. I thought she’d draw less attention that way, but she has some inborn talent for drawing attention no matter where she is. She also has an inborn talent for making people smile. And even, dare I say, making some people happy.
It’s a gift.

It’s a gift more humans should have.
Or maybe work on.

But I digress.
Evidently, if this woman has a talent of foretelling the future, Gracie is going to be famous.
From her mouth to God’s ears.

I told Daughter #1 that maybe I should just sit in Central Park with her, day in and day out, to see if maybe a talent scout will discover her.
I’m pretty sure we both thought that would be a huge waste of time.

So instead, I’ve applied to have her trained to be a therapy dog. I believe she could be making people smile, who, for whatever reason health-wise, don’t have much to smile about.
We shall see.
While I’m writing this she’s evidently trying to dig to China through her dog bed.
I’m not all that confident of her intellectual ability to pass a course.
Any course.
Unless it’s for cuteness.

Oh, and she now has her own Facebook page.
It’s “Gracie Takes Manhattan”.
In case you’re interested.
I can’t blame you if you’re not.

In other news …… there really is no other news.
Not any “new” news anyway.
There is a bit of old news.

For the past couple of days my emotions have been brimming at the surface. You know, when you feel if anyone says, “How are you doing?”, the tears will flow over the dam?
There’s really no reason for it.
Other than the same one I’ve had for over 7 1/2 years.
I miss Jim.

Some days it just comes out of the blue.
I miss him.
I mean, I miss him every day. I think about him every day. But I don’t always feel emotional about it every day.
Thank goodness.

The missing of him rarely crashes over me now. But it does sneak up on me every once in a while, with no particular pattern.
As it has does done this weekend.
Maybe it had to do with D#1 going back home.
I don’t know.

All I know is, I was working at the theatre last night when my “boss” asked me what brought me to NY.
I get asked that a lot, and I rarely get emotional about it. I just tell the story matter-of-factly …… and say “thank you” when the person says, “Oh, I’m so sorry!” when I mention that my husband died …… and then I move on with the story.
I can’t leave him out of the story because he was in it from the beginning.

So I started telling her. And the tears started brimming, while I dug my fingernails into my palms, trying to keep them from falling.
I persevered and they didn’t fall.
But she saw them anyway.
Especially when I said that, yes, sometimes I feel lonely. But I feel less lonely in NY.
Still, loneliness can creep in anywhere.

So that’s where I am.
The tears fall as I type this.
I don’t feel particularly sad.
But, oh do I miss that man.
And always will.

I know that I am beyond blessed to live the life I live.
To have the children I have.
To have the parents and siblings I have.
And …… just as with Jim …… I never take any of this for granted.
Ever.
I knew every day that I was blessed to have him.
I know every day that I am still blessed.

But that doesn’t keep the missing of him from creeping up on me every once in a while and bringing forth tears.
Nor will it ever.

It’s the cost of love.
For there is a cost.
The deeper the love, the higher the cost.

But he was definitely worth the price.

Life Is ……

3 Replies

…… something I never, ever thought I’d say again.
Ever.

Life is …… pretty darn good.
All in all.
All things considered.

I’m 7 1/2 years “out” from Jim’s death.
I will never be happy that he died.
Of course.

But I am happy.
Ironic, no?

Of course I’d give everything up if that would bring him back, but …… it won’t.
So I’ve chosen to move forward.
And to live life the way I would have wanted him to live it.
Fully.

I know that I am beyond blessed to be able to live my “after” …… my “second plan A” …… fully.
He’s responsible for that.
He planned ahead for the unimaginable.
He always took care of me …… of our family.
And he still does.
I will love him fully …… to the moment that I draw my last breath.
And beyond.

And who knows? I may love another man that same way.
I’m ok with that.
And I know that Jim is, too.

I’m in love with the city where I’ve chosen to live.
Beyond in love.
I am absolutely crazy about New York City.
Head over heels.

Who knows how long I’ll live here? I have no idea. I’ve learned to not plan too far in advance.
But right now, in this moment …… I want to live here.
And so I do.

I’m in love with all of my children and where they are in their lives.
It’s been a very, very long 7 1/2 years.
It’s been a long and arduous journey with some of them.
But right now, at this moment in time …… they’re doing well.
They are thriving.
None of them are perfect.
But neither am I.
And neither was Jim.
None of them live perfect lives.
But neither do I.
And neither did Jim.

I don’t wish for them to live perfectly perfect lives.
I wish for them to live fully, to live to their utmost.
I wish for God to lead them and for them to follow.
Whether they do or not is up to them.
I will love them unconditionally.
As a parent should.

I love being able to connect with widowed people.
I love helping them know that they are not crazy, wrong, or alone.
I love giving them hope.

I love that I’ll be doing that at Camp Widow West in a little over a week.
I can’t wait.

Life is something I never thought it would be again.

Life.
Is.
Good.

And I am blessed beyond measure to be able to say that.

Thank you, Jim.

Thank you, God.

Walking on the Surface of the Sun ……

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…… is pretty much what walking around Universal felt like.
I kid you not.
It.
Was.
Hot.

But in spite of the heat, we had fun.
In fact, I would even dare to say …… that, aside from our very first family vacation, which took place back in July of 1993 …… this was the second best vacation we’ve had. Now, I have to tell you that back in 1993 we only had five (5) children, and everyone was under the age of 9. They were all at a great age for a vacation …… meaning that they hadn’t yet developed the whining reflex, nor turned into pre-teen/teenage grumblers. They were easy to please and were happy doing whatever we were all doing.
Ahhhh, the early days.

That was our very best vacation ever.
This was our second.
I learned that it’s great to live long enough to experience a vacation with adult children …… who are finding out that they like each other.
Will wonders never cease?

The only sad part is that Jim didn’t live long enough to experience it.
Yes, some would say that he still saw it …… that he knows how we’re doing.
I’m still not sure about that, though I’d like to think so.
I hope so.

So, for all of you parents of teenagers …… or children who act like teenagers (God help you) …… there is light at the end of the tunnel/teenage years.
Trust me …… if nine (9) people (more like 8 1/2 since Little Bit was there) can get along (for the most part) on vacation …… there’s hope for you.

We all flew to our various homes yesterday. Son #3 and I flew to Houston, where I left my suitcase packed, did laundry, and packed another bag.
Oh, and we picked Gracie up. She was pretty excited to see us, though I know that she had a great time with my friend Amy and her family. I have no doubt that her two daughters spoiled Gracie Lou and treated her wonderfully. Which made it easy to leave her in their hands.
But I was glad to have her back.

We left for the airport at 7:00 this morning.
Yawn.
And now Gracie and I are both happily ensconced in our apartment in NY. I spent the better part of the afternoon unpacking and organizing everything.
It’s great to be back.
So very great. 🙂

Gracie did well on the flight today.
Gotta love those doggie sedatives.
Very much.
🙂

So here are random pictures from the trip.
Enjoy.
Or just click away now.
I wouldn’t blame you.

This is in Diagon Alley from Harry Potter World.
The dragon spits out fire every 10 minutes or so. Which is kind of cool.

It stormed the first two afternoons, but only for a short amount of time. The second day it started to hail as we returned to the hotel from the parks. This is a piece of hail. On a very hot afternoon. So very weird.

This was the sunset after the hail storm. It was lovely.

This is a pitcher of booze from Margaritaville. Hopefully you recognize the lyric to the song. If not, you can Google it.
Or not.
Whatever floats your boat.
This was a very good margarita.
Or three.

This is one of the roller coasters at night. We rode it more than once.
I love a good roller coaster.

This is the fireworks show on the 4th. They have fireworks every night, so I don’t think these were anything special, but they were still good.

This is Daughter #2 with Little Bit. He was pretty wonderful the entire time. Especially when you consider the fact that he was in a stroller on the surface of the sun for three days. He never got upset while in the parks. And he enjoyed the pool. As did all of us who swam every afternoon.

That’s all of the pics.
At least for now.
Hopefully that didn’t bore you to tears.
If it did, sorry.
Not really.

Just be glad that I can’t figure out how to upload my videos.

So, I Wonder ……

3 Replies

…… what the statute of limitations is for “widda brain”.

For those of you uninitiated in this “club”, consider yourself lucky for an altogether different reason: being widowed affects your memory. Big time.
Like we needed something else to kill off our brain cells.

All kidding aside (for the moment), when you first experience “widda brain”, it’s hella scary. Sometimes terrifying. You forget whole conversations. Overnight.
You forget meeting people.
You forget the paragraph/sentence you just read. Three times.
You forget appointments.
Or you go to an appointment …… a week early (not that I’ve personally experienced that … <cough, cough>).
You lose large chunks of time.
And wonder if you have Alzheimers.
Or a split personality.
It really is very frightening.
Until you find out that it’s a “normal” effect of grief.
For quite a while.
Or maybe that’s just me.

So I’m not sure how long I can claim W.B.
And when I just have to admit that I’m an idiot.
Who should maybe stay in one place for more than a month at a time.

Tonight I had plans to go with a friend to an event for the women in our church here in Texas (just in case you can’t keep up with me, either). She was going to pick me up at 6:00.
I had just finished getting ready at 5:30.
At 5:32 my cell phone rang … it was a number I didn’t recognize so I did what I always do with those calls.
I ignored it.
My phone sounded out the voice mail alert, so I picked it up to listen.
The caller was a woman I’d never met, telling me that she was at the restaurant where we were supposed to meet … at 5:30.
Oh.
My.
Word.

I had completely forgotten that a mutual friend introduced the two of us over email …… because this woman is a widow who doesn’t know any younger widows.
And we did indeed make plans to meet for dinner.
Tonight.
At 5:30.
I need a brain transplant.

Thankfully, my friend is/was very gracious and thought the situation was pretty funny.
I admit that I had to laugh.
This is my life.
A lot of the time.
Thankfully I have yet to find my keys in my freezer.
Yet.

I called my new friend back and told her I’d be there in 15 minutes …… and I was.
In spite of a very long train.
Of course.

And we had a great visit.
She now knows a younger widow.
I hope to help her meet the women in our “Circle”.
As well as get her to Camp Widow in Tampa.

I also got to say hi/bye to a couple of friends who ended up sitting at a table next to ours. They’re moving to Guyana.
And you thought New York was far from Texas!

I’m now going to change gears and post random pictures from the past few weeks.
Just to catch you up on a few things.
I bet you can’t wait.
🙂

I took this from my rooftop in NY. By the pool. Whoop!

This is the back view of the dress that I wore to the Tonys.
You know …… THE Tonys.
Quintuple Whoop!!!!!

And yes, this is the front.

This picture was taken at a restaurant called Bare Burgers. Their lighting is upside down lamps.
Which is pretty dang cool, is it not?

This is the King, in “The King and I”, Ken Watanabe, posing with fans after the show. I didn’t see the show on this evening, but just happened to be in the right place at the right time. He took time to take pics with several people. Which was very nice of him.

This is at the IMAX where I watched the 3D version of “Jurassic World”. I thought it was kind of cool/fun. If you ignore the fact that almost everyone is eaten by a dinosaur. Which was a whole lot more believable than Bryce Dallas Howard running through jungles and the entire picture in a tank top, a skirt and 4 inch heels.
Sheesh.

This is Gracie, trying to show me that she’s ready to go to Texas.
I guess.

This is the picture I took at the closing of our family home last week.
And yes, that’s a mimosa.
And no, I didn’t cry.
I just took deep breaths.
And drank a couple of those.

It’s been a busy couple of weeks down here.
I did the closing, went to a couple of doctor appointments, had blood work done (whoop?), had an MRI done on my aching shoulder, purged a lot of “stuff” from my closets, bathroom cabinets and garage, and replaced an AC/furnace. The entire thing. (Well, *I* didn’t do the replacing, I just watched for 8 hours and paid for it …… which is easier written than done.)
I spent my birthday/Father’s Day with my parents, going to a movie (the new Avengers …. don’t bother), dinner, and then another movie (“Inside Out” … go see it!). And I talked to my kids. It was a good day.

Now I’m in the middle of getting ready for a trip to Florida with all six (6) of my kids. Plus Little Bit. Plus one Significant Other (not mine).
If you’re keeping count, that’s that nine (9) people.
Or 8.5.
Don’t be jealous.

We’re going to brave the heat and the crowds at Universal. And hopefully hit as many roller coasters as many times as we can in a 72 hour period.
More or less.
As well as pool time.
I’m excited about it and am really looking forward to spending time with these fabulous people. Hopefully I’ll get lots of great pictures. Unless “widda brain” prevails.

So it’s anybody’s guess.
Whoop!

Sunday Was Just Short ……

It Is SO Freakin’ Hot ……

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…… here in Houston that I am loathe to even open my front door.

If you could see the actual temperature you’d think I’m a huge crybaby …… as would I.
That’s because it’s really only 84 degrees. Usually, temperatures in the low to mid-80’s are almost delightful.
At least that’s how I feel when I’m in 84 degrees in …… oh, let’s say …… San Diego, northern California, New York …… even the middle of a desert.

But here in Houston, 84 degrees feels close to what I would consider hell to feel like. That’s because it’s 84 degrees with about a 12,254% humidity.
And no, I’m not exaggerating.
Much.

It’s so gross to wake up in the mornings and not be able to see sunlight because every window in your house is covered with water from the humidity.
Not to mention the steam that rolls off of the streets and sidewalks.
Don’t you wish you were here now?

There’s a huge, almost-private, pool behind my house. I can’t even begin to summon up the energy it would require to walk back there because HUMIDITY!

Enough about the air you could drown in.

Yesterday was a good day.
It was my birthday.
Since it’s a birthday that’s past my 29th year, we’ll just leave it at that.

I got Skyped, Face Timed, texted and Messaged by my kids …… so that was a win. 🙂
My parents came into town and we went to a movie (the new Avengers movie — avoid it), then to dinner, and then we decided to go see another movie that could redeem our two hours lost to the Avengers. We saw “Inside Out” and did indeed redeem our day. It’s very good. For all ages, but most especially for adults. I love Pixar because of that.

So all in all, it was a good day.
In spite of being one more year further away from 29.

In fact, when I opened my Face Book page last night and saw the hundreds of Happy Birthday messages from family and friends, it became a great day.
It’s nice to feel special at least one day of the year.
No matter how far I am from 29.

I’d love to post a picture of a doe standing in my yard, eating leaves off of a tree right outside my window yesterday …… but ever since Apple updated the last IOS system …… and changed iPhoto into Photos …… my pictures from my phone aren’t uploading onto my computer.
Not to be a whiner, but …… I hate Photos.
With a passion.
And when I went on line to find some help, I found out that I am not alone in this hatred.
Not by a long shot.

I’d love to know why the technology giants canNOT live by the credo, “If it ain’t broke, DON’T FIX IT!!”

So you’ll just have to imagine a lovely doe standing under a tree in my back yard.
And then imagine Gracie growling and barking her head off at it.

And then you can imagine Gracie noticing that two dogs are on a TV show, and then going nuts barking, growling and running over to the TV to try to get at them.
I have that on video.
Which may never see the light of day.
Thank you, Apple.

That’s it for now. I need to start a packing list for my vacation with my six, plus Little Bit, plus one significant other, to Florida next week.
Where, hopefully, our lungs won’t fill with water every time we take a deep breath.

Maybe I should go buy some scuba gear for us to walk around in.

Later, Peeps.
🙂

Pieces of My Heart ……

14 Replies

…… are all over the place.

There’s a piece in Philadelphia.
There’s a piece in Waco.
There’s a piece in Dallas.
There’s a piece in Austin.
And there’s a piece in Oklahoma, most of the year.

You can probably guess why that is.
It’s where my children are.
Daughter #3 is with me in NY so that piece gets to stay here.
Until she moves back to Texas in August.

All of that is to say that, while there will always be pieces of my heart wherever my children live, the rest of my heart is here …… in NY.
For the past few months I’ve been struggling with when to be here, and when to be in Texas. I thought I had figured it out. I planned to be here in the spring and summer, and then return to Texas for September till May.
And I was trying to be satisfied with that plan.
But I wasn’t.

So I’ve been praying about it and wondering what I should do. I felt that I should be in Texas because …… well, because that’s where we/I have been for 24 years. It’s where Jim last lived.
And most of my kids live there.

I know that there are thousands of people who live in two places and are happy doing that.
But I’ve found that I can’t really live fully in either place when I’m not there full time. It’s hard to commit to people or things (like volunteering, a year long Bible study, monthly meetings, etc) when I’m only here/there part time.

But I thought I’d power through it.
Then this week, and more specifically this weekend, I felt God saying, “You need to get on with your life, fully, and your life is here.”
I’ve found a church I really, really like (Thank you, RL!). A very diverse church where I am in the minority due to my age, and my race. And I love it.
It’s alive.
And growing.
And feels like home.

I’ve found a place to volunteer on a regular basis.
And I love it, too.

NY is where the rest of my heart is.
And where my life is.
Now.

At church yesterday morning the main point of the message was, coincidentally (I think NOT!) … “Does what you hold on to lead you to greater fear, or lead you to greater faith?”
Wow.

Holding on to NY leads me to greater faith.
It means leaving what I’ve known for two decades.
It means leaving people that I’ve loved for two decades.
It means trusting God enough to let go.

Holding on to TX leads to fear.
Fear that I’ll never leave because it’s “safe”.
Fear that my life will never be as good as it was there …… “before”.
Fear that if I let go, I’ll lose control.
Which is hysterical, because Jim’s death taught me that there’s really very little that I can control.

I sat in church yesterday, and listened to God.
And felt a huge weight lift off of me.
I almost felt giddy.
It felt great to let go.

So, I’m going to live in NY.
Full time.
I know a couple of people who will be sad at this decision.
(I’m talking to you LB and NB.)
But I also know a couple of people who will be happy at it.
(I’m talking to you BL and KL.)

I’m not going to sell my house in Texas.
Yet.
That will require a lot of work.
I’ll have to get rid of almost everything in it.
And figure out what to do with the stuff I have to keep.
That will take time.

I’ll still go back to visit every few months or so, but NY will now be home.
I totally love this city.
And I’m excited for the future.
And, after living the first four or so years of my “after” without that excitement, it’s feels great.

Now all of the pieces of my heart will be right where they belong.
🙂

I Signed a Contract Last Night ……

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…… to sell our house.
Not my home, the one I live in when I’m in Texas, but our house.
The one where Jim and I raised our children.
The one the boys and I lived in at the time of his death.
The one we stayed in during the first several years of the horrible “after”.
The one that used to be a home.
The one Jim and I thought we’d own for a very long time.

But “we” didn’t.

I haven’t lived in that house for a year now. A year on May 1st, to be exact. I signed a contract on my new house that day and never spent another night in the other one.
In September of last year I started renting it to a family. The day I signed the rental agreement was the last day I was in that house.
The last day I drove down that street.
I’ve never been back, even though I still live in the same small community.
I was done.
I didn’t want to have anything more to do with that house and looked forward to the day I could sell it.

Or so I thought.

I signed a contract last night.
And this morning, the power of that signature …… the officialness of it …… is bringing tears to my eyes.
I still don’t want that house, and I really, really don’t want to live in it again.
But I guess my heart kind of does.
Not as it is now, but as it was.
In my “before”.

I’m crying for something I don’t really want.
And for something I simply can’t have.
Ever.

But then again, it’s not that simple.
Here in the “after”, my emotions rarely feel simple. They’re often mixed with feelings I can’t describe, emotions I don’t understand, tears that sometimes come out of nowhere.
And that’s difficult to grasp, let alone explain to someone else.
Or write about on a blog.

None of us can have the past.
But it’s not really the past that I want.
It’s the now …… that was supposed to be.
I wish with all my heart that “we” were still in that house.
In our home.
But wishes don’t always come true.
That one never will.

I know that I’ll be relieved when we close on it in a couple of weeks.
I also know that I’ll most likely cry at that closing.
But hopefully not for long.

My “after” is good.
It’s not what I wanted, but it’s good.
The future is unknown, but it’s also something I look forward to experiencing.
Finally.

Life goes on.
And I’m moving forward.
Sometimes with tears, but I’m ok with that.

And, in what can only be described as the irony of moving forward …… the day that I signed a contract to sell our house, Daughter #2 signed a contract to buy her first house.

Sometimes life goes full circle.
🙂

	mysecondplana on 18 ……
	mysecondplana on 18 ……
	Cindy Trammell on 18 ……
	Saundra on 18 ……
	Lorraine on The Lack of Touch ……

My Second Plan A

After my first Plan A ended tragically, and all too soon, I came up with my second Plan A. It took a while, but now I'm ready to live again. And live fully.

Tag Archives: Hope

Sweating in Texas ……

A Surprise Around Every Corner ……

“She’s Going to Be Famous” ……

Life Is ……

Walking on the Surface of the Sun ……

So, I Wonder ……

Sunday Was Just Short ……

It Is SO Freakin’ Hot ……

Pieces of My Heart ……

I Signed a Contract Last Night ……