Category Archives: Uncategorized

Here and There ……

…… or maybe there and here.
Sometimes it’s hard to keep up.
🙂

I’ve been back in NY for a week now. I missed the big snow storm. Unfortunately.
But a week later, there were still signs of it.
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I wonder if that car owner died or is just under the impression that another blizzard is imminent in 56 degree weather, so there’s no point in moving it?

Actually, we did get snow yesterday. I was excited.

And then the sun came out.
Sigh.

Last Sunday my friend Jeni and I drove to Tod’s Point in Greenwich, CT to go hike with the dogs.
She drove the 60+ minutes while I played the role of dog bed.

If you’ve never heard of Tod’s Point here’s a map:
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If you’re not interested in doing a treasure hunt, here’s another map:
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See how much work and research I do for you guys? Just to keep you entertained and “in the know”.
You’re welcome.

Here are a bunch of pics from that day.

On a clear day you can see Manhattan from here:
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You should be very proud of me.  For once I didn’t do the opposite of what a sign said.
OK, maybe not just for once.  But for far fewer times than I should’ve.
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This is the reason that I’ll never own a yacht.  Well …… there are really about 20 reasons, but this could be in the top five.
I’ll never own a blow dryer large enough to shrink wrap the boat.  Seriously, where do you keep those things when you live in a NY apartment?!
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This is just an example of the small beach houses we saw around there.  Only this one is on its own island.  It’s a tough life.
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I saw this on the way back to the city.
I have no other words.
Well, that’s not true.  I have a TON of other words but since this isn’t a political blog (yet), I’ll keep them to myself.
You’re welcome.                                                                
Again.
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I saw a couple of shows this past week.  Both were good.

My friend Beth came into town for a couple of days …… smack dab in the middle of the week.
Gracie was pretty excited while she waited for her.

We saw “Finding Neverland” Wednesday afternoon and then on Thursday we went to see Meredith Vieira.

Meredith is very nice and spent time afterwards taking pictures with the audience.
If you’re totally bored on Leap Day (Feb 29th) you might catch Beth and me on the show.
And I may or may not have signed up for three more tapings for next week.

Gracie Lou went to the groomer on Thursday.
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She now goes right into the room where all the dogs are wandering around without even a backwards glance at me.
She walks in, lies on her back and rolls over and over, evidently for the enjoyment of the other, larger dogs.
Tramp.

Yesterday I went to see George in “Hail, Caesar”.
It was a weird, but funny movie.
Of course it was. It’s by the Coen brothers.
The worst thing I can say about it is that George didn’t have enough screen time.
I would’ve enjoyed another hour or so of staring at his legs in that short Roman skirt.
Whoop.

So that’s it.
Gracie and I are lazing around on this gorgeous Saturday. We may head to the Park in a bit.
Or maybe we’ll just stay in our pj’s and watch a couple of movies.
Don’t judge.

Fat …… or in Pain ……

…… that seems to be my choice now.

I know I’m not the only person who has to face this choice.
I’m not the only person who has to choose being miserable …… over being miserable.
And it stinks.

Almost a year and a half ago I found another doctor to see for my inflammatory arthritis. The first doctor I went to for a couple of years didn’t accomplish much except to pump my body full of toxins that didn’t help with my pain level.
At all.

So I went elsewhere.
And found a new doctor who couldn’t believe the treatments I’d previously had.
He tried something else.
Something way less toxic.
Something that helped take my daily pain level from a 7 or 8 down to a 4 or 5 most of the time.
I’ve been on this medication ever since.

But while my pain started to lessen, my weight started to increase.
No matter what I did …… or didn’t do.
No matter how many barre classes I pushed through.
Or how many calories I didn’t eat or drink.

It just kept, and keeps, going up.

Some of you know that for me, gaining weight is a scary concept.
It’s taken me a while to realize that I’m not crazy, and to find the reason that I can’t control my body.
It was a relief to find the cause.
Sort of.

Once I knew it was the medication, I had a choice.
Stop taking it so that maybe I can lose the weight.
And be in more pain again …… and miserable.

Or keep taking it to keep the pain at bay.
And be miserable.

It seems like a lose-lose situation.

I did go off of the meds for a little over a week.
I mean, I have a wedding coming up and the thought of being in pictures makes my pulse race and my blood pressure rise.
I don’t want people who haven’t seen me in a long time to see me now.
I know, that to a lot of people, this sounds more than stupid.
But for me, it is what it is.
I am not happy with my body.
That’s not true.
I hate my body.

But my body did not like being off of the meds.
I tried to tough it out, but after about 10 days or so I gave in.
And started taking the meds again.
Which doesn’t make me happy …… but it makes me feel better physically.

Why am I telling you this?
Because I know that I’m not the only person who faces this fight.
Yes, there are worse things that could be happening.
And yes, there are people out there going through truly horrible things in their lives.
I get that.

But I also get that this is my reality.
But not just mine.
So I’m doing the same thing that I do when I write about missing Jim, and the effect that grief has on me.
I’m admitting to it and letting people know that they’re not alone.

It’s beyond miserable.
Be in pain, but more “fit”.
Or control the pain, and hate looking at yourself in the mirror.
And not fitting into your clothes.
And …… being terrified that the weight gain is not going to stop.

So for those of you who think it’s incredibly stupid that I’m admitting to this …… I’m sorry.
And to those of you who understand because you’re going through the same thing …… I’m sorry.

Living the Vida Loca ……

…… in Waco, Texas.

Well, I’m not all that sure that it’s the “vida loca”, but it’s been interesting.
I went house hunting for two days. I found a couple of houses that I like very much.
But I need to sell one or two homes before I acquire another. I mean …… I’m not all that into real estate.
And I do NOT want to own more houses than I do right now.
At all.

So we shall see what happens.
The lake house goes on the market tomorrow.
I have mixed emotions about selling it, but not as many as I would’ve thought.

The last weekend of Jim’s life was spent there.
With our three sons.
We had a wonderful time.
The weekend before Christmas.
I’ll never forget it.
It’s engraved in my memory.

Jim loved that lake house.
I did, too.
Then.
Not so much since.
It’s just not the same.

And now the kids are older and further away.
So there are no more weekends at the lake.
It hasn’t become what we dreamed it would.
And that’s OK.
That actually makes it easier to part with.

I don’t particularly enjoy spending time there now.
It’s not the same.
It was supposed to be for us.
And now there is no us.

So it’s time to sell it to another family.
A family who can make the kind of fun memories we made.
It’s a great house.
On a great piece of property.
Right on the lake.
It’s beautiful.
I’ll miss it.

But then, I’ve been missing it for 8 years.
Because it’s not what it was.
But I hope it will be for another family.

In other news …… I’ve been on Gigi Duty for the last 24+ hours.
Daughter #2 had a conference to attend, so I’m here taking care of Little Man.
Boy, am I glad that I’m a Gigi and not a mom to a 15 month old.
Don’t get me wrong …… he is amazing.
And I love him more than I can put into words.
But holy cow …… 15 month olds take a lot of energy.
Which is why God designed us to have them at a much earlier age than I am now.

Although I have to tell you …… that I’m very proud of myself.
For teaching him/getting him to finally say …… mama.
The kid has refused to say “mama”.
In fact, he’s made a game out of it.
I’ll say, “Say Mama”, and he grins and says, “Dada”.
Every single time.
But two nights ago, for the first time, he uttered the word, “Mama”, after I put him to bed.
Of course he did that without me being able to capture it on video.
And I have no doubt that he did it on purpose.
The stinker.

Daughter #2 left last night around 6:00.
So I fed him dinner, cleaned him up and put him to bed.
And he may, or may have not, uttered the word, “Mama”.
Once or twice.

Tonight, after I put up with a couple of tantrums, fed him, cleaned him up, put his pjs on him, brushed his teeth, and finally put him in his crib, he decided to stand back up and chat with me.

So I got my phone out and started recording him, knowing that I could eventually get him to say, “Mama”.
And I did.
Whoop!
I was very proud of him, and of me.
And I immediately sent the video to Daughter #2.

I think it might have made her day.
Which probably wasn’t all that hard to do since she’s at a work conference.
But I think she was pretty happy with the video.

Gigi duty has gone pretty well.
Last night he went to bed very easily for me.
As he had done the night before when Daughter #2 went out to dinner with a friend.
Evidently he gives her a harder time.
As they are prone to do.

Last night he was out cold by 7:20.
He cried out at around 10:00, I patted him on the back, and he went back to sleep.
At 2:00 a.m. he woke up and cried. He could not be consoled enough to go back to sleep so I took him out of the crib and put him in bed with me.
Which, I have to admit, was the same horrible experience it was when my kids were small and I would let them in bed with me when Jim was out on an Indian Princess/Indian Guides weekend.
Meaning that he rolled all over that bed and did indeed kick me in the face more than once.
But hey …… instead of carrying each child into bed so that we could all get at least half a night’s sleep …… I just put up with his feet being in my face.
And so he slept.
Until 6:00 a.m.

Have I told you lately that I am NOT a morning person?
If you know me well, or even kind of well, you know that.
But heck, he was up so it was easier to get up than to fight it.

Which meant that I could fix him breakfast, make his lunch and drive him to day care by 8:00 a.m.
And then come back to get some much needed rest.

Yeah, maybe I’m not such a good Gigi.
Or maybe I am because I’m a Gigi who knows that she needs some down time in order to be the best Gigi she can be.
Thank God for day care.

Little Man is creeping up on his Terrible Twos. Which actually start around 18 months, but he seems to be ahead of the pack.
He was pretty bratty tonight …… until I got him set up for dinner.
The boy loves to eat.
No kidding.
He lives to eat.
And if you’ve seen a picture of him …… you understand.

Daughter #2 Face Timed us tonight, before dinner, but it didn’t go as well as we’d hoped. He was right in the middle of a bratty Terrible Two’s episode.
He totally loved seeing her on my lap top, but only for a couple of minutes or so.
After that he was off to bite me or scream because I wouldn’t let him take a bite out of one of the dogs or my toes.
He’s not very discriminating when it comes to biting someone/something.

But he did calm down once I changed his diaper, put his pjs on him and coated him in some kind of Johnson’s Baby Bedtime Lotion.
I’m not sure what that really is, but I was told to put it on him, and so I did.

The funny thing is …… he goes to bed much easier for me than he does for D#2.
I need to preface this with the fact that they are living in a one room, studio apartment. The whole thing is smaller than my bedroom (in Texas).
So when she puts him to bed she turns off all of the lights, the TV and anything else that might shine a light into their space. And then she sits in the dark while working on her computer or whatever else she can do in the dark.

Now me? Not so much.
He’s gone to bed three nights in a row with not only a light, but also the TV on.
And he’s had no problems with it.
I put him to bed, tell him “Night Night”, say his good night prayer (Now I lay me down to sleep …) and he lies down and goes to sleep.
Tonight he stood back up and chatted with me for a bit …… thus, I captured the “Mama” moment …… but he soon lay down and fell asleep.

I’m loving this Gigi stuff.

Which brings us back to the reason that I’m deciding to sell my home(s) and move to Waco.
I want to be close to Daughter #2 so that I can help out when she needs it.
Plus it puts me closer to Daughter #3, Son #1 and Son #2.

I still plan to divide my time between NY and TX, but we shall see which place I decide to spend the most time in.

So there you go …… the Vida Loca.

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Life Moves Forward ……

…… and stops.

It’s been an eventful week for my family. Exciting things have been happening.
But for other families …… time has stopped.

Granted, I don’t personally know these families, but I have been where they are and I know the journey that lies before them.
And my heart breaks for them.

David Bowie …… and his wife Iman.
Alan Rickman …… and his wife Rima.
Rene Angelil …… and his wife Celine.

I hate that these women are now in this “club”.
I hate what lies ahead for them.
I hope that they find the kind of support and love and acceptance that’s here for them.

And life moves forward.
Slowly. One second at a time.
And then one day at a time.

I’m feeling overwhelmed.
In a good way.

Daughter #2 has been involved in a home remodeling.
It just so happens that this remodel is being done by a very popular show on HGTV.
It’s been going on since early November.
And today was the “reveal” of the finished project.

I was on “Gigi duty”.
Meaning, I took care of Little Man while all of the filming was going on.
I watched the taping from afar.
Which was frustrating, because I would’ve loved to have seen my daughter’s face when she saw her “new” home.
But I’ll watch it on TV when everyone else does.
(Which will be some time in March or April …… I’ll keep you posted.)

I took pictures from several houses away.
I entertained Little Man and then drove him around the block a few times so that he could fall asleep for a nap.
We spent an hour or so in the car.
And then it was done and I was able to wake him up and go into the house.
Oh.
My.
Word.

I knew that the finished product would be wonderful.
I expected to be delighted with the result.
But I didn’t expect to be so overwhelmed that I would cry.
Really cry.
I was shocked.
And so grateful and thrilled for my daughter.
I felt very blessed that she has been so blessed.
The house is more beautiful than I could have imagined.

I feel honored to be a witness to this blessing.
And honored to know that so many of my friends and family have helped out with this blessing.
Daughter #3 and her very good friend (also sometimes known as Daughter #4) created a site for people to donate for this remodel.
Contrary to popular belief, HGTV does not pay for the work.
You have to pay for it yourself, and it is not cheap.
Not by a long shot.

I shared the site on Face Book.
And holy cow, my friends and family rose to the occasion.
I’m flabbergasted at the love and generosity.
It will help Daughter #2 so very much.
She’s a social worker.
She’s a single mom of a foster child (who’s now 15 months old … can you believe it?!!).
And she’s moving forward to try to adopt Little Man.
All prayers are very appreciated.

I think they’re going to keep the site open for a bit longer.
If you’d like to help …… here’s the link.
If you can’t, we’d still appreciate your prayers and positive thoughts.

They still need to finish a few things before she and Little Man can move back into the house.
Which will hopefully be in a couple of weeks.

Right now she’s living in a studio apartment.
Which is about the size of a nice walk in closet.
I don’t know how she’s done it.
But I’ll get to experience it later this week when she goes to a conference and Gracie and I move in to take care of Little Man.
Keep those prayers and positive thoughts coming!
Please!!

Until then Gracie and I are staying in a hotel.
In Waco, Texas.
Which gives you a clue as to the HGTV show.
You’re welcome.
🙂

Another Christmas ……

…… has come and gone.
And even though it was our 9th one without Jim, we had a great time.
I feel so blessed to have had 5 out of 6 of the kids here. Daughter #3 and her fiancé were in Ohio, celebrating with his family. They were definitely missed, but I know that they had a wonderful time up there. I’m thankful that she’ll soon be joining such a loving, accepting and fun family. And I do mean soon. The wedding is a little over 2 months away!

It was great to have Daughter #1 and her lovely partner here. It was her first (and maybe last?) time to see my Texas home.
Daughter #2 and Little Man have been here since Monday night. They arrived about 30 minutes after I got in from NY. Little Man has been a blast to have around. It’s so wonderful to see Christmas through a child’s eyes. Even a 15 month old!
The three of us went to church on Christmas Eve. It was nice to see so many friends that I’ve missed for a long time. And Little Man did very well during the service. At one point we had to make sure that we kept a steady stream of Cheerios going into his mouth, but it was all good. 🙂

Son #1 came in from Dallas on Wednesday and Son #2 came in from Austin on Thursday.
The kids took turns cooking wonderful meals and everyone helped out with the clean ups.
They all have made me feel very blessed.
And Mom and D joined us Christmas Day!

We mostly hung around the house, watched Christmas movies and just spent time together.
Oh, and we’ve also spent time with the three dogs that are here: Gracie, Daughter #2’s dog, R.G. (named after Robert Griffin III … you know … Baylor), and Son #3’s brand new dog that he adopted from a humane shelter in Oklahoma … Xander. He’s a very sweet, large dog.
I have to admit that I was less than thrilled to find out we’d have three dogs here, but they’ve really done pretty well.
If you don’t count the destroyed carpet upstairs in one area.
I guess it could’ve been worse.

Son #2 left this morning and Daughter #1 left tonight. Son #1 leaves tomorrow and Son #3 heads back on Wednesday.
Thankfully, Daughter #2 and Little Man are staying here until Saturday or Sunday. It’s really been wonderful to be able to spend so much time with him.

Yesterday most of us went rock climbing. And yes, I’m proud to say that I joined in.
In fact, see this wall?

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I totally crushed it!! And two others!
I think I surprised the kids.
I’m not a fan of heights, so I just didn’t bother to look down.
Ever.
I just kept going up.
It was quite a workout!
I thought I’d be horribly sore today but I’m not. My body doesn’t feel like it’s been rock climbing.
Maybe it’ll hit me tomorrow. 🙂

Gracie Lou has had fun with the other two dogs. They are all wearing each other out. I think she’s really going to miss them when they all leave.

I hope that you all had a blessed Christmas and I wish you a Happy New Year.  May 2016 be better than 2015 for so many of you who are missing your special person.
Thank you for being a part of my life …… even if I don’t know that you are. 🙂

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So Much Can Happen ……

…… in only one day.

My wonderful friend and sister, Jeni, planned for us to go out for lunch today. And when I say “out”, I mean out.
We drove to Connecticut. Greenwich, that is. And it was lovely.
We both needed to get some fresh air …… and to give words to the feelings we’ve been feeling.
It was lovely. And therapeutic for both of us. Which goes to prove that friends don’t have to be widowed in order to understand feelings of grief, of feeling overwhelmed …… of wanting to throw in the towel.

I’d never been to Greenwich before. I think I can check it off of my list (even if it wasn’t ever on my list). We did have a delicious lunch. Then we walked around a bit in the downtown area.
I think we had the most fun at a store where the sales person/manager/owner/whoever thought she was all that and a bag of chips.
Jeni was admiring some cool glass items that looked more like bud vases than what they were …… champagne flutes. They really were neat. I thought about getting them for a few minutes because they were so different. They were really just glass tubes, all etched with different designs.
The moment that I decided to not buy them was when I heard Jeni asking the above mentioned person if they could be used as a vase (pronounced vase, with a long a and an s. Like face, but with a v.)
The woman replied, “Yes, I’ve used one as a vaz.” (Pronounced vahz, only with one’s nose up in the air so that one can look down upon the person to whom one is speaking.)
My purchase plans immediately flew out the window.
And of course I had to sidle up next to Jeni and join her in pronouncing words in the least hoity toity way possible. It was now a case of Houston vs Greenwich. And Greenwich lost this day.

What a crack up. And what a snob.
I will refrain from judging the whole of Greenwich based upon this one woman, but she’s the reason I feel I can check it off of my list.
Oh well. There are many, many places in this area that need visiting. Too many to make return visits to most.
Especially if I have to say “Vahz, dahling.”
No, I doubt that I’d ever have to say that there again, but you get the point.

While we were driving about I received an email from a new friend (thanks to Jeni) who asked if I wanted to go see a “Downton Abbey” event tonight. It was a viewing of the first show of the 6th, and last, season, plus a Q&A session with the cast.
Did I?! You bet!!

See why I love this city? You never know what, or who, is around the corner. And if you’re flexible enough …… you’re bound to have some great experiences.

Tonight was one of those experiences. It was fun and cool and great. I loved the first episode, though it ended far too soon for me. And the Q&A was a lot of fun.

But the best part of the night? I made a new friend. And tomorrow we’re going to see NPR’s traditional reading of “A Christmas Carol” with Kathleen Turner as one of the main readers.

So yay for getting out. And yay for new friends.

My insurance problem has been solved. I had to compromise, so I’m not thrilled with the result, but it’s better than it was two days ago.
I’m working on the mortgage problem, and keeping my hopes up that it will work out without getting attorneys involved. And nasty words like “foreclosure”. The signs are good at the moment.

I’m enjoying my little tree. Especially at night when I turn all of the lights off, except for the white lights on the tree. Jim and I used to sit together in the dark, after all of the kids were in bed, and enjoy the peace and beauty of the lights on the Christmas tree.
I’m glad that I still can enjoy that.
And the memories it brings.

Gracie managed to do well in our therapy dog class last night, in spite of missing the class before.
I was sweating it for a few minutes, but she pulled through. Whew!
Two more weeks and then one makeup class to graduation.
Hopefully.

That’s it for today.
But then, that’s a lot for one day, right?
Hopefully you’re all satisfied and as ready for bed as I am.
I’ll give you some pictures just to make it even better.

Now go to bed.
You need your rest.

In the Spirit of Getting Un-Slumped ……

…… I made myself go out today.
And buy a Christmas tree.
And decorate it.
Which didn’t take all that long since it’s the smallest Christmas tree I’ve ever had.

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I also set out a few decorations around the apartment.  I only have enough to fill one box so that also didn’t take very long.

Gracie didn’t know what to think about this activity.

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I hadn’t planned on decorating this year since I won’t be here in NY for Christmas.  But today I decided that maybe I should.  Maybe it would help.  And for the most part, it did.  The only downer was …… as I was decorating the tree and listening to Christmas music …… a song called, “One More Sleep” came on.  I’d never heard it before but I can tell you now that I have …… I hate it.  You can find the lyrics here.

But the tree is up and though it’s small, I’m thinking that from the outside it looks like a full-sized tree.  🙂

I still have the same problems that I had yesterday, and the same thoughts.  But I also know how very much God has blessed me.  I’m always aware of that, even in the midst of the pit, but some days I, like everyone else I know (widowed or not), don’t have the energy to fight the waves that come at me.  Especially when I’m sick.  Especially in December.

Thank you to everyone for your love, encouragement and support.  Sometimes I think I should just write out my feelings to get them out, and then delete them so that no one worries about me.  But I think that deleting them would be a disservice to others who grieve.  As much as my words help them to know they’re not alone, your words tell me that neither am I.  And I love you for that.

Now I have to finish watching “The Santa Clause”, keep trying to talk to a real person about insurance (ha!), drink some Robitussin so that I don’t hack up a lung, and then wrap Gracie up in her sling and go to our therapy dog class.  We had to miss a class over Thanksgiving but hopefully she’s still on track.
I’d hate to have to spend time in detention.

Even though I did find her in my bed last night like this:

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I Love to Be Happy ……

…… I want to be happy. I know that happiness is temporary. It comes and goes. Especially if you seek it from outside yourself.

I know all of that.
And most of the time …… now eight (8) years later (and only those who have grieved such a loss can understand the obscenity of that number) I am more happy than not.

More than that, most of the time …… now 8 years later, I have joy.
But every once in a while, sometimes when I least expect it …… sometimes when I do …… something flips the breaker and happiness and joy are suddenly gone.

I used to love this time of the year. It was my favorite season, my favorite holiday.
And now, for obvious reasons, it mostly isn’t.

But there are other reasons, too. It’s not just Jim’s death, though had he not died, I’m sure I’d still be labeling this my favorite.

One would think that December 18th would be enough to have to bear.
Wouldn’t one?
But this time of year also brings things like property tax bills, which for some unexplained reason seem to almost double every year. Unfortunately, I have the “gift” of owning more than one house. Trust me, when there’s only one of you left …… it’s not a gift.

I sold our family home this past summer. And because I felt it was the best and kindest thing to do, I carried the note.
I wish I hadn’t. It’s been nothing but a headache since and the thought of this continuing into the future makes me want to either scream or jump out of the nearest window.

And then there’s health insurance. One would think that’s an easy enough item to take care of. One would be wrong.
Because I had to turn to Obamacare after Jim died (I had a pre-existing condition), I am now stuck in the government healthcare trap. And for some reason, it’s very, very difficult to escape.
My healthcare has changed drastically for this coming year, and I have to either swallow it down and accept it, no matter how much I hate it (and I do), or I need to go through the many hoops to contact our beloved government and get cancelled through them so that I can go off on my own.
Anyone ever tried to call the government healthcare system in the month of December?
They’re going to screw me over and I’m going to have to end up accepting it.
No matter how much I hate it.

Again, if Jim were alive, this would bother me about as much as a mosquito trapped in my bedroom at night.
But when it’s just you …… and EVERYTHING is just you …… it gets to be overwhelming.
Most days I can see all of this for what it is …… just something to whine about, and yet still be grateful for all that I have.

But then there are the days that sneak up on me, and make me feel that this crap will never end. That life will never again be anything more than just dealing with shit …… all alone.

I know that I’m supposed to be happy.
I know that I’m supposed to have joy.
I know that things could be so much worse.
Believe me …… I know.

But there’s nothing I can do to stop the feelings that come.
That roll over me and threaten to smother me.
I know they won’t.
I know that, in time, I’ll be ok.
But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that there are days when I wish they could smother me.
Days when being smothered sounds easy and peaceful.

I haven’t had one of those days in a long time.
A really long time.
So maybe I’m due.
Or maybe I’m just whining.
Whatever.

It is what it is.
And it feels how it feels.
Today …… maybe just today …… hopefully just today …… the missing of him feels horrible.

He Says It Better ……

…… than I ever could.

(Here’s his web site: http://johnpavlovitz.com/)

Holidays and Empty Chairs
NOVEMBER 26, 2015 / JOHNDPAV

The holidays are a time for recognizing our profound fullness, of purposefully dwelling on the abundant overflow we find ourselves in and being grateful.

Our houses and our bellies bulge to capacity and we gleefully overindulge in food and friends and laughter. We fill ourselves to bursting with all the things and the people that make life glorious and make the pain bearable.

This is a season where we inventory our lives and readily acknowledge all that is good and sweet and right.

It is about celebrating presence.

But not for you. Not right now.

Though you may indeed have so many reasons to feel fortunate and to give thanks, what this season is now marked by more than anything else—is absence. Surrounded by noise and activity and life, your eyes and your heart can’t help but drift to that quiet space that now remains unoccupied: the cruel vacancy of the empty chair.

You’re not alone, friend. In fact, though they’re supposed to nurture gratitude and deposit peace within us, the holidays have a way of magnifying loss; of in the middle of all the celebration and thanksgiving, reminding us of our incompleteness.

The empty chair is different for everyone, though it is equally intrusive.

For some it is a place of a vigil; the persistent hope of a prodigal returning, of a severed tie to be repaired, of a long overdue reunion to come. It is a place of painful but patient waiting for what is unlikely, yet still possible.

For some the chair is a memorial, the stark reminder of what was and no longer is, of that which never will be again. It is a household headstone where we eulogize and grieve and remember; a face we squint to see, a hand we stretch to hold, a voice we strain to hear.

For some it is a fresh wound; the painful fallout of a brutal battle that we chose or had thrust upon us, one whose aftermath has yielded silence. It is a place of sometimes necessary but still excruciating separation.

This may be the first time the chair has been empty for you, or you may have grown quite accustomed to the subtraction. Either way, it hurts like hell and I wanted you to know that someone sees you and understands.

This would usually be the time when a writer might offer some silver lining stuff to tie everything up in pretty little bow; some closing reminders about how the empty chair is still a blessing because it reminds us that we had something worth grieving over to begin with. It’s the place where he or she would offer some concluding encouragement regarding the lessons the empty chair teaches us: about living in the moment and being thankful for what we have and growing through suffering.

I’m not going to do that. You’ll learn those lessons and acquire that wisdom and find that healing in your way and in your time—or you won’t. Life is unpredictable and messy that way.

Right now, I just want you to know that I see your waiting, your grief, and your pain, and that I wait and grieve and suffer too. In that way we all sit together in this, gathered around this same table.

Maybe that is all we can offer one another; our compassionate presence in this terrible absence.

In this season, each of us learns to have fellowship with sadness, to celebrate accompanied by sorrow.

May we each make peace with the holidays and the empty chairs.

Holidays and Empty Chairs

Thanksgiving ……

…… was easier, and more difficult, than I expected. I had a wonderful time with 5 of my 6 children, though if you count my future son-in-law (and I do), then I had 6 out of 7.

It was nice to be back on the farm, where Jim grew up. Nice …… and difficult. But after almost 8 years …… more nice than difficult.
It was great to spend time with his two brothers, their wives and our niece. I never, ever, feel like I’m an outsider when I’m with his family. We were together almost 27 years, so that makes his family my family. And they’ve never, EVER made me feel differently.
I love them for that.

And yet …… that man has left a huge hole. And so did his mother, when she died four months after he did.
It’s not the same, of course.
But it’s still good.

So why do I always end up crying at the end of the holiday? And why do I always feel that I need to hide my tears from everyone?

Son #1 and I arrived at the farm on Wednesday evening. Son #2 and #3 were staying there with us, and with Jim’s dad. Daughters #2 & #3, Little Bit and Future Son-in-Law were staying at Jim’s youngest brother’s house. So we didn’t see them until Thanksgiving Day, when we all met up at his house.
It was so wonderful to just hang with all of them. All of us related because of Jim and because of love.

Son #3 left on Friday to head back to school for the big game that we won’t talk about.
I was sad to see him go, but I’ll see him soon in Texas.
Jim’s brother, his wife and our niece also headed back to California that day. And I was sad to see them go, but am looking forward to seeing them at the wedding in March.

The Daughters, Little Bit and Future Son-in-Law left Saturday morning. I was sad to see them go, especially since Daughter #3 and Future Son-in-Law will be spending Christmas with his family. But I’ll get to see them in NY in January, when she has her first fitting for her wedding dress.
I know!!!

Son #1 and I left Sunday morning and headed to Dallas. I was in a great mood when we left, after having a wonderful time with everyone.
But something strange happened as we entered Dallas. My heart started to crumble. And I don’t know why. The closer we got to his apartment, the sadder I felt. It wasn’t his apartment, I’m sure of that. I think it was that I was getting closer and closer to the end of the holiday/weekend. And closer to being without all of them.
And continuing to be without him.

God, I miss him so very much.
And while I can live most of my life continuing to move forward in spite of that …… there are times when that feeling of loss comes creeping up on me unexpectedly …… overwhelming me. Like it did yesterday on I-35.

It’s always hard to say goodbye to the last child I’m with. Son #1 was that lucky person. But I think I did a good job of hiding how I was feeling.
And stealthily wiping away the tears.
You tend to get good at that after almost 8 years.

I am now back in NY.
I’m glad to be here.
But I miss my family.

I miss Jim.

And I always will.

Even during the good times.
Especially during the good times.