Fat …… or in Pain ……

…… that seems to be my choice now.

I know I’m not the only person who has to face this choice.
I’m not the only person who has to choose being miserable …… over being miserable.
And it stinks.

Almost a year and a half ago I found another doctor to see for my inflammatory arthritis. The first doctor I went to for a couple of years didn’t accomplish much except to pump my body full of toxins that didn’t help with my pain level.
At all.

So I went elsewhere.
And found a new doctor who couldn’t believe the treatments I’d previously had.
He tried something else.
Something way less toxic.
Something that helped take my daily pain level from a 7 or 8 down to a 4 or 5 most of the time.
I’ve been on this medication ever since.

But while my pain started to lessen, my weight started to increase.
No matter what I did …… or didn’t do.
No matter how many barre classes I pushed through.
Or how many calories I didn’t eat or drink.

It just kept, and keeps, going up.

Some of you know that for me, gaining weight is a scary concept.
It’s taken me a while to realize that I’m not crazy, and to find the reason that I can’t control my body.
It was a relief to find the cause.
Sort of.

Once I knew it was the medication, I had a choice.
Stop taking it so that maybe I can lose the weight.
And be in more pain again …… and miserable.

Or keep taking it to keep the pain at bay.
And be miserable.

It seems like a lose-lose situation.

I did go off of the meds for a little over a week.
I mean, I have a wedding coming up and the thought of being in pictures makes my pulse race and my blood pressure rise.
I don’t want people who haven’t seen me in a long time to see me now.
I know, that to a lot of people, this sounds more than stupid.
But for me, it is what it is.
I am not happy with my body.
That’s not true.
I hate my body.

But my body did not like being off of the meds.
I tried to tough it out, but after about 10 days or so I gave in.
And started taking the meds again.
Which doesn’t make me happy …… but it makes me feel better physically.

Why am I telling you this?
Because I know that I’m not the only person who faces this fight.
Yes, there are worse things that could be happening.
And yes, there are people out there going through truly horrible things in their lives.
I get that.

But I also get that this is my reality.
But not just mine.
So I’m doing the same thing that I do when I write about missing Jim, and the effect that grief has on me.
I’m admitting to it and letting people know that they’re not alone.

It’s beyond miserable.
Be in pain, but more “fit”.
Or control the pain, and hate looking at yourself in the mirror.
And not fitting into your clothes.
And …… being terrified that the weight gain is not going to stop.

So for those of you who think it’s incredibly stupid that I’m admitting to this …… I’m sorry.
And to those of you who understand because you’re going through the same thing …… I’m sorry.

12 thoughts on “Fat …… or in Pain ……

  1. Marilyn Tobin

    I completely understand. My mom went through this the opposite way – kept losing . I say- go buy new fabulous clothes for your new figure and appreciate something controls the pain. I know it is hard but your friends and loved ones will understand . Hang in there.

    Reply
  2. Pat

    You may not know this but in my 30’s due to lowered immune system, I developed severe allergies and asthma. After going into shock they put me on very high doses of steroids my weight went up to almost 30 pounds higher than normal. Well, normal has never returned. I still get very upset about it when I try on clothes. Urk! After the allergies lessened some, I developed arthritis so more steroids. Right now my weight is still over the top. You might think at 75 I would get over it but it still bothers me. I sympathize with you, The pics of you on FB look very pretty to me. But I know you wont believe me… still it’s true. I know you will look great as mother of the bride.

    Reply
  3. Chris, who lurks

    Ok, you did it again, you got me to de-lurk! LOL

    This just hit me so hard because I’ve battled this I was 18. I developed a nerve disease that has the dubious distinction of being “the pain worse than cancer” according to the fun little pain scale they make everyone complete. Now, of course because this started when I was 18 they didn’t want to give me anything for actual PAIN. But the myriad of drugs that I was put on made me gain weight despite being so nauseated I seldom ate! It was finally a brilliant (now deceased) doctor who experimented with topical medication that got me somewhat better for a while. Since he’s gone I now muddle along on my own but ohhh to lose that 10 lbs that I can’t thanks to medication. I sympathize. I really do.

    Reply

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