…… that seems to be my choice now.
I know I’m not the only person who has to face this choice.
I’m not the only person who has to choose being miserable …… over being miserable.
And it stinks.
Almost a year and a half ago I found another doctor to see for my inflammatory arthritis. The first doctor I went to for a couple of years didn’t accomplish much except to pump my body full of toxins that didn’t help with my pain level.
So I went elsewhere.
And found a new doctor who couldn’t believe the treatments I’d previously had.
He tried something else.
Something way less toxic.
Something that helped take my daily pain level from a 7 or 8 down to a 4 or 5 most of the time.
I’ve been on this medication ever since.
But while my pain started to lessen, my weight started to increase.
No matter what I did …… or didn’t do.
No matter how many barre classes I pushed through.
Or how many calories I didn’t eat or drink.
It just kept, and keeps, going up.
Some of you know that for me, gaining weight is a scary concept.
It’s taken me a while to realize that I’m not crazy, and to find the reason that I can’t control my body.
It was a relief to find the cause.
Once I knew it was the medication, I had a choice.
Stop taking it so that maybe I can lose the weight.
And be in more pain again …… and miserable.
Or keep taking it to keep the pain at bay.
And be miserable.
It seems like a lose-lose situation.
I did go off of the meds for a little over a week.
I mean, I have a wedding coming up and the thought of being in pictures makes my pulse race and my blood pressure rise.
I don’t want people who haven’t seen me in a long time to see me now.
I know, that to a lot of people, this sounds more than stupid.
But for me, it is what it is.
I am not happy with my body.
That’s not true.
I hate my body.
But my body did not like being off of the meds.
I tried to tough it out, but after about 10 days or so I gave in.
And started taking the meds again.
Which doesn’t make me happy …… but it makes me feel better physically.
Why am I telling you this?
Because I know that I’m not the only person who faces this fight.
Yes, there are worse things that could be happening.
And yes, there are people out there going through truly horrible things in their lives.
I get that.
But I also get that this is my reality.
But not just mine.
So I’m doing the same thing that I do when I write about missing Jim, and the effect that grief has on me.
I’m admitting to it and letting people know that they’re not alone.
It’s beyond miserable.
Be in pain, but more “fit”.
Or control the pain, and hate looking at yourself in the mirror.
And not fitting into your clothes.
And …… being terrified that the weight gain is not going to stop.
So for those of you who think it’s incredibly stupid that I’m admitting to this …… I’m sorry.
And to those of you who understand because you’re going through the same thing …… I’m sorry.