Category Archives: Life After Loss

“The Best Laid Plans ……

of mice and men often go awry.”

I have no idea why that quote talks about the plans of mice. I mean, really?? Who knows what the plans of mice are?
And technically, I’m not a man, but boy, did my plans go awry yesterday.

It was the day I was closing on our lake house.
The place that Jim loved the most.
The place where we spent his final days, though we had no idea they were to be his last.
The place where the kids and I spread the last of his ashes.
The place I thought we’d keep forever.
The place where I thought our children would come to share holidays with their children.

The place that became none of that after he died.

I knew that this closing could be a mine field of emotions, but I planned to be very stoic. I planned to get through this day without any emotions.
Without any tears.

But the best laid plans ……

Our original closing date was to be on March 17th.
Next week.
But last week the buyers informed me that they wanted to close a week early, on the 11th.
They suddenly had plans to go out of the country on March 14th, and wouldn’t be back until the 21st.
So they wanted to move the closing up and they wanted to do a walk through early that afternoon and told us to make sure that NOTHING was left behind …… in the house or on the property.
They thought that I would be thrilled with this plan.
They thought they were doing me a favor.
And boy, were they wrong.

My parents have been living in the lake house.
They had arranged a moving company to load up all of their stuff …… on the 11th.
There was no way in hell that the house would be ready for the buyers’ walk through.
So I told them no.
We couldn’t move the closing up an entire week, just to fit their travel arrangements.
And I told them that I was angry that they decided to move things up, and expected us to have the house empty a week early.
I told them that their plans did not fit with our schedule.
And that I was also irritated that they now wouldn’t be closing on the house on the day that they gave me, but instead we’d have to do it over a week later.

They apologized for causing me any stress and said that they would like to close on the 11th, but would totally understand that the house wouldn’t be empty for their walk through. They said that they understood that we’d still be knee-deep in moving out.

They lied.

I drove to the lake yesterday to close on the house.
My parents were still packing and the movers had come and gone.
The movers also miscalculated the size of the truck they would need.
So they couldn’t pack everything into the truck that they brought.
Which meant that my parents had to rent a U-Haul and pack much of the things on their own.

I went to the closing, knowing that the house wasn’t empty, but also knowing that they buyers had said that would be ok.
I signed all of the papers.
I did everything I was supposed to do.
Then I went to the house and took a few last pictures.

My agent and I were getting ready to head back home when the buyers’ agent called her.

And told her that the closing was off.
They buyers had done the walk through and were pissed off that the house wasn’t empty.
They didn’t want to close now.
Unless I agreed to sign a lease back to them for one day, guaranteeing them that the house would be empty after that one day.

That phone call changed all of my plans.
Suddenly, the selling of this house felt painful.
Much more painful than it had to be.
And the tears started to flow.

This was not the plan.
We were supposed to keep this house for many, many years.
I was not supposed to have to sell it on my own.
And I was not supposed to have to deal with a couple of asses on my own.
But there you go.

So we drove back to the title company to make the closing happen.
And this couple …… this couple who professed to be kind and understanding and supportive a week earlier (as well as to my mom during the walk through) …… were anything but.
They demanded that I put up a deposit of $5,000 in case the property wasn’t emptied to their liking.
This was what it would take to make them feel “comfortable” enough to do the deal.
My agent said that we wouldn’t agree to that high of a deposit. And their agent said that maybe if I talked to them and assured them that the house would be emptied, they’d feel more comfortable.
By this time I couldn’t stop the tears.
I didn’t want to talk to these people.
I just wanted to go home.
But I went in to face them and to try to assure them that they had nothing to worry about.
I also tried to tell them why this was so emotional for me.

They couldn’t have cared less.
The wife had a stupid grin plastered on her face the entire time I spoke to them.
I wanted to slap her.
They didn’t care that this was emotional for me.
That this was a home my husband loved and that I wished we’d never had to sell.
They were not the “Christians” that they purported to be.
They were heartless and very, very cold.

They said that they thought they were doing ME a favor by closing a week early.
They said that most sellers would be thrilled with an earlier closing date.
That most sellers would say, “Thank God!!” that the closing date was moved up.
They seemed to think that I owed them.

They wanted the house emptied, and they wanted it emptied yesterday.And they demanded that I give them the $5,000 deposit. Or they would walk.

I wanted to be the one that walked.
I wanted to tell them what they could do with their demands …… and their plans to buy my house.
But in the end, that didn’t make sense.
And so I signed their stupid lease agreement.
All the while blaming Jim for putting me in this situation.
Even though that didn’t make sense.
It is what it is.

I hate that couple.

I wanted to like them and wish them well with their four children in our home.
I wanted this to go so much differently than it did.
I didn’t plan to cry.

But there you go.
The best laid plans ……

I spent most of the day today working at that house, helping my parents pack up the rest of their stuff.
I worked my butt off cleaning out everything, in a couple of sheds, the garage and the house.
I am beyond tired.
And sore.

But it is done.
We’ll see if they give my back my $5,000.
I don’t have high hopes.
And I won’t know for a month.

I planned for this to go differently.
This house was the last thing I had that Jim and I shared.
It was the last thing I had of my “before” life.
It could have gone so much better.
That’s what I planned, anyway.

The best laid plans ……

Sometimes really suck.

Waco and Weddings and Little Man ……

4 Replies

…… oh, my!

I’ve been in Waco for a week now and have been having a blast with Little Man. Last week Daughter #2 went to a conference for a couple of days so he and I had lots of together time.
Especially in the middle of the night.
Oh my.

Little Man has been teething …… to the max.
He’s had several teeth come in in just a week.
It would seem that they all break through in the wee hours of the morning.
But hopefully, we’re past the worst part.
At least for now.

He’s slept through the night the past couple of nights.
Thank you, God.
I’m finding out that grandparents are way too old to get up multiple times during the night and still be able to function the next day.
Which means that both Little Man and I were glad to see Daughter #2 when she returned.

This is his favorite spot in the kitchen.
Well, other than his high chair.

I brought this bear with me on this trip. It was Daughter #2’s bear when she was a baby. One of my sorority sisters made it for her.
He totally loves it.

Totally.

The weather has been so nice that we’ve spent time outside, playing with a water table.
His curls are delicious, are they not? 🙂

This past weekend we took him to the Farmer’s Market and to the Waco zoo. The weather was wonderful for both and we all had a great time.
He enjoyed his first “train” ride at the market (if you don’t count the NY subway).
They’re in the yellow train car.

Little Man LOVES the aquarium part of the zoo.

I was struck by the flexibility of this giraffe.

Then she decided to go lie down ……

…… to eat.
Gotta love a woman with a goal.

Then there was this.

A rhino who’s horn has grown out straight and is so long that it appears she can’t lift her head.
Word is that she’s so irritable that the zoo keepers can’t get near her to trim her horn down.

Which probably describes me perfectly at the age of 80.

This orangutan was just sitting at the fence when we walked up …… and then he evidently decided that it was time to show off.
And so he did. He traversed down the fence like this. I got it on video.

All in all, we had a great day at the zoo.

I’ve been doing some house hunting here. I’ve found two houses that I like a lot. But I want to at least get an offer on my current home before I put one on another one.
I know. Call me crazy.

Gracie Lou has been having a blast hanging out with my friend N and her hubby and dog. I think she’s really going to miss having a built in playmate when I bring her home. N has been sweet enough to send me daily pics.

Oh my word, I miss this face.
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Daughter #1 flew into Austin today. She and Daughter #3 will be driving to Waco tomorrow to attend the Bachelorette party tomorrow night. Little Man and I will be hanging out together while the ladies go out and have fun and debauchery.
In reality, there will be much more fun than debauchery.

On Friday we’ll all head to Austin to start the wedding festivities.

That’s all for now. I doubt that I’ll have much time to write again until after the wedding. I appreciate all of the comments, love, good thoughts and prayers that you’re all sending. Please keep them coming.

Saturday is going to be an awesome day.
❤

Another “First” ……

11 Replies

…… to experience. Another “first” to go through without Jim. And really, the biggest one yet. The most emotional. The one that could knock me to my knees …… if I let it.
But I won’t. I can’t.
Instead, I’ll slide a very nice mask into place, and lock it down tightly.

No one will know …… for certain …… that as I watch Daughter #3 walk herself down the aisle at her wedding, my heart will be breaking again.
I won’t let my feelings steal away any of her happiness.

Besides, I won’t be the only one whose heart is hurting.

She’s right …… no one can take the place of her father. So no one will.
I have no doubt that her joy will be mingled with sadness as she makes that walk.
And her siblings will feel the same pain …… as they watch her walk with a huge missing presence on her right side.

But all of us …… all seven of us …… will smile through the pain, and feel joy for her …… and for Son #4.
Because that’s what you do, when you want life to move forward.
And when you want to choose joy.

I’ve been able to keep the pain in check, to ignore it …… until now.
I made it through Son #4 asking me for my blessing before he asked her to marry him.
I did feel the missing of Jim at that moment, but I also felt the love and pride and joy for both of us.

When we found the perfect dress for her …… there was a moment when the tears flowed because he should’ve been there. Damn it, he SHOULD have been there.
But, as with so many other times, the tears were dried. Because …… simply …… he wasn’t. And he won’t. And that’s life.
And death.

The next time she wore the dress, for her first fitting, there were no tears. Truthfully, I didn’t even think about feeling sad. Because we were busy, making sure the dress would be adjusted …… and fitted …… perfectly.

And this weekend, for her last fitting, it did. She looks beautiful. I can’t wait to see Son #4’s face when he sees her.
And maybe because it was just me with her, but this time …… this time I felt his absence. And I’ve felt it ever since.
When no one is around, I can let the mask slip …… and the tears flow.
Interestingly enough, I’m on a plane, heading back to Texas as I write this.
Not caring that the tears are flowing next to a stranger.
He probably thinks the movie I have on is a tear jerker.
Which is probably for the best.
For him. 😊
There are less than three weeks until the joyous day.
Three weeks to let the tears come.
Three weeks to feel the missing of him.
Three weeks to grieve his absence …… to wish he were here.

And then …… then it will be time to choose joy.

Living the Vida Loca ……

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…… in Waco, Texas.

Well, I’m not all that sure that it’s the “vida loca”, but it’s been interesting.
I went house hunting for two days. I found a couple of houses that I like very much.
But I need to sell one or two homes before I acquire another. I mean …… I’m not all that into real estate.
And I do NOT want to own more houses than I do right now.
At all.

So we shall see what happens.
The lake house goes on the market tomorrow.
I have mixed emotions about selling it, but not as many as I would’ve thought.

The last weekend of Jim’s life was spent there.
With our three sons.
We had a wonderful time.
The weekend before Christmas.
I’ll never forget it.
It’s engraved in my memory.

Jim loved that lake house.
I did, too.
Then.
Not so much since.
It’s just not the same.

And now the kids are older and further away.
So there are no more weekends at the lake.
It hasn’t become what we dreamed it would.
And that’s OK.
That actually makes it easier to part with.

I don’t particularly enjoy spending time there now.
It’s not the same.
It was supposed to be for us.
And now there is no us.

So it’s time to sell it to another family.
A family who can make the kind of fun memories we made.
It’s a great house.
On a great piece of property.
Right on the lake.
It’s beautiful.
I’ll miss it.

But then, I’ve been missing it for 8 years.
Because it’s not what it was.
But I hope it will be for another family.

In other news …… I’ve been on Gigi Duty for the last 24+ hours.
Daughter #2 had a conference to attend, so I’m here taking care of Little Man.
Boy, am I glad that I’m a Gigi and not a mom to a 15 month old.
Don’t get me wrong …… he is amazing.
And I love him more than I can put into words.
But holy cow …… 15 month olds take a lot of energy.
Which is why God designed us to have them at a much earlier age than I am now.

Although I have to tell you …… that I’m very proud of myself.
For teaching him/getting him to finally say …… mama.
The kid has refused to say “mama”.
In fact, he’s made a game out of it.
I’ll say, “Say Mama”, and he grins and says, “Dada”.
Every single time.
But two nights ago, for the first time, he uttered the word, “Mama”, after I put him to bed.
Of course he did that without me being able to capture it on video.
And I have no doubt that he did it on purpose.
The stinker.

Daughter #2 left last night around 6:00.
So I fed him dinner, cleaned him up and put him to bed.
And he may, or may have not, uttered the word, “Mama”.
Once or twice.

Tonight, after I put up with a couple of tantrums, fed him, cleaned him up, put his pjs on him, brushed his teeth, and finally put him in his crib, he decided to stand back up and chat with me.

So I got my phone out and started recording him, knowing that I could eventually get him to say, “Mama”.
And I did.
Whoop!
I was very proud of him, and of me.
And I immediately sent the video to Daughter #2.

I think it might have made her day.
Which probably wasn’t all that hard to do since she’s at a work conference.
But I think she was pretty happy with the video.

Gigi duty has gone pretty well.
Last night he went to bed very easily for me.
As he had done the night before when Daughter #2 went out to dinner with a friend.
Evidently he gives her a harder time.
As they are prone to do.

Last night he was out cold by 7:20.
He cried out at around 10:00, I patted him on the back, and he went back to sleep.
At 2:00 a.m. he woke up and cried. He could not be consoled enough to go back to sleep so I took him out of the crib and put him in bed with me.
Which, I have to admit, was the same horrible experience it was when my kids were small and I would let them in bed with me when Jim was out on an Indian Princess/Indian Guides weekend.
Meaning that he rolled all over that bed and did indeed kick me in the face more than once.
But hey …… instead of carrying each child into bed so that we could all get at least half a night’s sleep …… I just put up with his feet being in my face.
And so he slept.
Until 6:00 a.m.

Have I told you lately that I am NOT a morning person?
If you know me well, or even kind of well, you know that.
But heck, he was up so it was easier to get up than to fight it.

Which meant that I could fix him breakfast, make his lunch and drive him to day care by 8:00 a.m.
And then come back to get some much needed rest.

Yeah, maybe I’m not such a good Gigi.
Or maybe I am because I’m a Gigi who knows that she needs some down time in order to be the best Gigi she can be.
Thank God for day care.

Little Man is creeping up on his Terrible Twos. Which actually start around 18 months, but he seems to be ahead of the pack.
He was pretty bratty tonight …… until I got him set up for dinner.
The boy loves to eat.
No kidding.
He lives to eat.
And if you’ve seen a picture of him …… you understand.

Daughter #2 Face Timed us tonight, before dinner, but it didn’t go as well as we’d hoped. He was right in the middle of a bratty Terrible Two’s episode.
He totally loved seeing her on my lap top, but only for a couple of minutes or so.
After that he was off to bite me or scream because I wouldn’t let him take a bite out of one of the dogs or my toes.
He’s not very discriminating when it comes to biting someone/something.

But he did calm down once I changed his diaper, put his pjs on him and coated him in some kind of Johnson’s Baby Bedtime Lotion.
I’m not sure what that really is, but I was told to put it on him, and so I did.

The funny thing is …… he goes to bed much easier for me than he does for D#2.
I need to preface this with the fact that they are living in a one room, studio apartment. The whole thing is smaller than my bedroom (in Texas).
So when she puts him to bed she turns off all of the lights, the TV and anything else that might shine a light into their space. And then she sits in the dark while working on her computer or whatever else she can do in the dark.

Now me? Not so much.
He’s gone to bed three nights in a row with not only a light, but also the TV on.
And he’s had no problems with it.
I put him to bed, tell him “Night Night”, say his good night prayer (Now I lay me down to sleep …) and he lies down and goes to sleep.
Tonight he stood back up and chatted with me for a bit …… thus, I captured the “Mama” moment …… but he soon lay down and fell asleep.

I’m loving this Gigi stuff.

Which brings us back to the reason that I’m deciding to sell my home(s) and move to Waco.
I want to be close to Daughter #2 so that I can help out when she needs it.
Plus it puts me closer to Daughter #3, Son #1 and Son #2.

I still plan to divide my time between NY and TX, but we shall see which place I decide to spend the most time in.

So there you go …… the Vida Loca.

Enjoy!!

Life Moves Forward ……

3 Replies

…… and stops.

It’s been an eventful week for my family. Exciting things have been happening.
But for other families …… time has stopped.

Granted, I don’t personally know these families, but I have been where they are and I know the journey that lies before them.
And my heart breaks for them.

David Bowie …… and his wife Iman.
Alan Rickman …… and his wife Rima.
Rene Angelil …… and his wife Celine.

I hate that these women are now in this “club”.
I hate what lies ahead for them.
I hope that they find the kind of support and love and acceptance that’s here for them.

And life moves forward.
Slowly. One second at a time.
And then one day at a time.

I’m feeling overwhelmed.
In a good way.

Daughter #2 has been involved in a home remodeling.
It just so happens that this remodel is being done by a very popular show on HGTV.
It’s been going on since early November.
And today was the “reveal” of the finished project.

I was on “Gigi duty”.
Meaning, I took care of Little Man while all of the filming was going on.
I watched the taping from afar.
Which was frustrating, because I would’ve loved to have seen my daughter’s face when she saw her “new” home.
But I’ll watch it on TV when everyone else does.
(Which will be some time in March or April …… I’ll keep you posted.)

I took pictures from several houses away.
I entertained Little Man and then drove him around the block a few times so that he could fall asleep for a nap.
We spent an hour or so in the car.
And then it was done and I was able to wake him up and go into the house.
Oh.
My.
Word.

I knew that the finished product would be wonderful.
I expected to be delighted with the result.
But I didn’t expect to be so overwhelmed that I would cry.
Really cry.
I was shocked.
And so grateful and thrilled for my daughter.
I felt very blessed that she has been so blessed.
The house is more beautiful than I could have imagined.

I feel honored to be a witness to this blessing.
And honored to know that so many of my friends and family have helped out with this blessing.
Daughter #3 and her very good friend (also sometimes known as Daughter #4) created a site for people to donate for this remodel.
Contrary to popular belief, HGTV does not pay for the work.
You have to pay for it yourself, and it is not cheap.
Not by a long shot.

I shared the site on Face Book.
And holy cow, my friends and family rose to the occasion.
I’m flabbergasted at the love and generosity.
It will help Daughter #2 so very much.
She’s a social worker.
She’s a single mom of a foster child (who’s now 15 months old … can you believe it?!!).
And she’s moving forward to try to adopt Little Man.
All prayers are very appreciated.

I think they’re going to keep the site open for a bit longer.
If you’d like to help …… here’s the link.
If you can’t, we’d still appreciate your prayers and positive thoughts.

They still need to finish a few things before she and Little Man can move back into the house.
Which will hopefully be in a couple of weeks.

Right now she’s living in a studio apartment.
Which is about the size of a nice walk in closet.
I don’t know how she’s done it.
But I’ll get to experience it later this week when she goes to a conference and Gracie and I move in to take care of Little Man.
Keep those prayers and positive thoughts coming!
Please!!

Until then Gracie and I are staying in a hotel.
In Waco, Texas.
Which gives you a clue as to the HGTV show.
You’re welcome.
🙂

Fifty six ……

10 Replies

…… yep, 56 …… that’s how old you’d be today …… if you were still here.
Instead …… you are forever 47.
Not fair, Jim.
Totally not fair.

In case you’re wondering, though I don’t think that you are, I miss you.
Every single day of my life …… I miss you.

You have missed so much.
Or have you?
Do you see us?
Are you a witness to everything our kids have been through?
Do you know how far each of them has come?
If so, I know that you are bursting with pride.
For each of them.
And all that they’ve accomplished.
All while missing you.

My life is so different now.
You’d hardly recognize it.
Or would you?
Do you see me?
Are you aware of how much has changed?
Are you proud of me?

I hope so.
I hope that you see.
I hope that you’re here …… nearby. Watching and cheering me on.
I’m not sure if you are.
But I hope so.

When you died, most of me died.
I thought I would die.
I wished I’d die.
But here I am.
Eight years later.
Not only alive …… but living.
There’s a difference, you know.

I’m living.
I’m joyful.
I’m happy.
I’m content.
Mostly.

There are still days.
The missing of you still brings tears.
The loving of you will never end.
Not by me.
Not by your children.
Not by anyone who truly knew you.

Thank you for loving me unconditionally.
Thank you for our children.
Thank you for striving to be a godly man.
And a loving father.
And a Christ-like husband.

Thank you for wanting to grow old with me.
Even though you didn’t.
It’s the thought that counts.
And you are always in my thoughts.

I love you, Jim.
Always and forever.
And I’ll see you soon.

Another Christmas ……

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…… has come and gone.
And even though it was our 9th one without Jim, we had a great time.
I feel so blessed to have had 5 out of 6 of the kids here. Daughter #3 and her fiancé were in Ohio, celebrating with his family. They were definitely missed, but I know that they had a wonderful time up there. I’m thankful that she’ll soon be joining such a loving, accepting and fun family. And I do mean soon. The wedding is a little over 2 months away!

It was great to have Daughter #1 and her lovely partner here. It was her first (and maybe last?) time to see my Texas home.
Daughter #2 and Little Man have been here since Monday night. They arrived about 30 minutes after I got in from NY. Little Man has been a blast to have around. It’s so wonderful to see Christmas through a child’s eyes. Even a 15 month old!
The three of us went to church on Christmas Eve. It was nice to see so many friends that I’ve missed for a long time. And Little Man did very well during the service. At one point we had to make sure that we kept a steady stream of Cheerios going into his mouth, but it was all good. 🙂

Son #1 came in from Dallas on Wednesday and Son #2 came in from Austin on Thursday.
The kids took turns cooking wonderful meals and everyone helped out with the clean ups.
They all have made me feel very blessed.
And Mom and D joined us Christmas Day!

We mostly hung around the house, watched Christmas movies and just spent time together.
Oh, and we’ve also spent time with the three dogs that are here: Gracie, Daughter #2’s dog, R.G. (named after Robert Griffin III … you know … Baylor), and Son #3’s brand new dog that he adopted from a humane shelter in Oklahoma … Xander. He’s a very sweet, large dog.
I have to admit that I was less than thrilled to find out we’d have three dogs here, but they’ve really done pretty well.
If you don’t count the destroyed carpet upstairs in one area.
I guess it could’ve been worse.

Son #2 left this morning and Daughter #1 left tonight. Son #1 leaves tomorrow and Son #3 heads back on Wednesday.
Thankfully, Daughter #2 and Little Man are staying here until Saturday or Sunday. It’s really been wonderful to be able to spend so much time with him.

Yesterday most of us went rock climbing. And yes, I’m proud to say that I joined in.
In fact, see this wall?

I totally crushed it!! And two others!
I think I surprised the kids.
I’m not a fan of heights, so I just didn’t bother to look down.
Ever.
I just kept going up.
It was quite a workout!
I thought I’d be horribly sore today but I’m not. My body doesn’t feel like it’s been rock climbing.
Maybe it’ll hit me tomorrow. 🙂

Gracie Lou has had fun with the other two dogs. They are all wearing each other out. I think she’s really going to miss them when they all leave.

I hope that you all had a blessed Christmas and I wish you a Happy New Year. May 2016 be better than 2015 for so many of you who are missing your special person.
Thank you for being a part of my life …… even if I don’t know that you are. 🙂

Eight ……

7 Replies

…… excruciatingly long years that seemed to have flown by in a heartbeat.
I know that most of you get that.

Eight.
How is it possible?
How is it that Daughter #1 went to, and graduated from, school for her Masters degree?

How is that Daughter #2 worked for a year and then did the same thing?
How is that she’s been a foster mom to the most precious baby boy for over a year now? And she has her own home?

How is it that Daughter #3 has worked in Texas and New York while getting her Masters? How can it be that she’s engaged to be married in less than 3 months?

How is it that Son #1 graduated from high school and college and has a wonderful job and life in Dallas?

How is it that Son #2 survived his teen years, graduated from high school, went to barber school and now lives in Austin where he loves his job and his life?

And how is it that Son #3 made it through middle school, high school and is now in his third year of college at our favorite school, Oklahoma State? How is it that I’ve attended at least three Homecomings there?
At that place where we met.
And fell in love.

How in the hell is it that this all happened without him?

Eight years ago …… this day …… I thought that my life came crashing to an end.
And in a sense, it did.
That life died with Jim, just as part of me died with him.

I have missed that man every second of these past 8 years.
I have cherished our memories, our children and our blessing of being best friends, as well as husband and wife, these past 8 years.
I have loved him with all of my heart these past 8 years.
That won’t stop.
No matter how many years go by.

That doesn’t mean there’s not room in my heart for more love.
Fortunately, hearts grow bigger.
If you don’t believe that you’ve never had more than one child. 🙂

Now eight years later …… here I am …… still alive.
Not only alive, but thriving.
Happy.
Joyful.
Blessed.

The “before me” would never have believed that I would make it this far.
The me that was left behind 8 years ago would never have dreamed this would be my life now. That me didn’t …… no,couldn’t …… see a future for herself at all. She saw nothing but cold, inky darkness.
For what felt like a very long time.

Eight years later, the blackness is gone.
Most of the time.
Every once in a while a rogue wave roars over me, knocking me to my knees.
But not down.
And definitely not out.

In that way, I don’t think I’m so very different from any other human.
In spite of being blessed, there are still times of grief.
There are times when that night eight years ago comes charging into me. And it feels like I’m right back in that hospital room.
Saying goodbye without knowing it was really goodbye.
I hate being back in that room.

Thankfully that doesn’t happen very often.
Mostly just once a year or so.
Usually around this date.
Around this day.

Eight years.
It’s amazing.
And horrible.
All at the same time.

Eight years.
Eight years of bad.
Eight years of good.
Eight years of growing, loving, learning and finding joy again.
Eight years of knowing that God never left my side.
Even during the times I couldn’t feel him.
Probably especially during those times.
Eight years of grief.
Eight years of blessings.

A lot can happen in eight years.
And though I couldn’t even think this 8 years ago ……

I’m looking forward to what the next eight hold.

What a Difference ……

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…… a week makes.
The above picture pretty much says it all about last week.
Thankfully, that was last week. Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers. I’m feeling 100% better.

Here are some pictures from this past week:

This isn’t a very good picture, but it’s a sight I love to view …. my Christmas tree at night. So peaceful. And such good memories of sitting with Jim in the peace and quiet and enjoying a similar view.

This was a store in Greenwich, CT. Yeah. Pink Chicken. It’s a children’s clothing store. If you can explain this to me you’re much smarter than I am. Or maybe just more worldly.

This is Kathleen Turner. I met her last night at a small reception before a radio program which was the 6th annual reading of “A Christmas Carol”. She was Scrooge.
In the program, not in real life. She was very nice and very friendly. She spent some time chatting with us. Pretty cool, huh?

This is part of the cast of the program. The man on the far right is the sound effects guy for “A Prairie Home Companion”. It was fun to watch him work. (If you want to watch this, or listen to it, you can find info about it here.)

This was the scene on my way home after the program. Not exactly the sight you want to see while waiting for the subway. I have no idea what they were doing, but after waiting for about 20 minutes and noting that they didn’t seem to be any closer to accomplishing whatever it was they were trying to accomplish, I opted for a different subway.

I took these pictures tonight after I got these puppy Christmas sweaters. I’d love to tell you that Gracie enjoys being a fashionista, but she does not. If you could see her eyes clearly you’d be able to see the shame and blame pouring out of them. If she could speak I know she’d say, “Why do you hate me?”
But …… as a mother of 6 …… I’m ok with that. If I didn’t embarrass at least one of my kids once a week then I wasn’t doing my job. She is now a sort of replacement child so she has to suck it up.

So yeah, this week has been going better than the last. The only negative thing is …… my friend Jeni is now holed up in her apartment with a cold. She probably got it from me after the drive to and from Greenwich, although I felt pretty good that day and didn’t have a fever. But I feel guilty.
See the price you pay for being my friend? I’m a cross to bear. But I’m fun. 🙂

This week brought my last BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) class of the year and my last ASL 2 (American Sign Language) class. Both will start back up after the new year (well, it’ll be ASL 3). I’m enjoying and learning a lot from both. We’re studying the book of Revelation in BSF. It’s starting to get deep and of course more and more interesting. I love being involved in a Bible study with so many different women of different backgrounds, churches, perspectives, races, ethnicities and ages. It’s been a great study.

OK, I just saw a news item that declared that using punctuation when text messaging “shows insincerity and annoyance”. Ummmmm …… what the what?! I thought it just showed intelligence and a correct use of grammar. Who the heck did they poll for this? You can bet your bippy it wasn’t anyone over the age of 40. And yes, I just aged myself royally by using the word bippy.
Whatever.

Before I close I’ll leave you with a question. As you know by now I never get political on my blog(s), but I don’t really think this is really a political question. Yet I feel that it must be asked…… Does anyone else suspect that his real name is Donald “Adolph” Trump?