Category Archives: Grief

Another “First” ……

11 Replies

…… to experience. Another “first” to go through without Jim. And really, the biggest one yet. The most emotional. The one that could knock me to my knees …… if I let it.
But I won’t. I can’t.
Instead, I’ll slide a very nice mask into place, and lock it down tightly.

No one will know …… for certain …… that as I watch Daughter #3 walk herself down the aisle at her wedding, my heart will be breaking again.
I won’t let my feelings steal away any of her happiness.

Besides, I won’t be the only one whose heart is hurting.

She’s right …… no one can take the place of her father. So no one will.
I have no doubt that her joy will be mingled with sadness as she makes that walk.
And her siblings will feel the same pain …… as they watch her walk with a huge missing presence on her right side.

But all of us …… all seven of us …… will smile through the pain, and feel joy for her …… and for Son #4.
Because that’s what you do, when you want life to move forward.
And when you want to choose joy.

I’ve been able to keep the pain in check, to ignore it …… until now.
I made it through Son #4 asking me for my blessing before he asked her to marry him.
I did feel the missing of Jim at that moment, but I also felt the love and pride and joy for both of us.

When we found the perfect dress for her …… there was a moment when the tears flowed because he should’ve been there. Damn it, he SHOULD have been there.
But, as with so many other times, the tears were dried. Because …… simply …… he wasn’t. And he won’t. And that’s life.
And death.

The next time she wore the dress, for her first fitting, there were no tears. Truthfully, I didn’t even think about feeling sad. Because we were busy, making sure the dress would be adjusted …… and fitted …… perfectly.

And this weekend, for her last fitting, it did. She looks beautiful. I can’t wait to see Son #4’s face when he sees her.
And maybe because it was just me with her, but this time …… this time I felt his absence. And I’ve felt it ever since.
When no one is around, I can let the mask slip …… and the tears flow.
Interestingly enough, I’m on a plane, heading back to Texas as I write this.
Not caring that the tears are flowing next to a stranger.
He probably thinks the movie I have on is a tear jerker.
Which is probably for the best.
For him. 😊
There are less than three weeks until the joyous day.
Three weeks to let the tears come.
Three weeks to feel the missing of him.
Three weeks to grieve his absence …… to wish he were here.

And then …… then it will be time to choose joy.

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He had tears!!

Living the Vida Loca ……

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…… in Waco, Texas.

Well, I’m not all that sure that it’s the “vida loca”, but it’s been interesting.
I went house hunting for two days. I found a couple of houses that I like very much.
But I need to sell one or two homes before I acquire another. I mean …… I’m not all that into real estate.
And I do NOT want to own more houses than I do right now.
At all.

So we shall see what happens.
The lake house goes on the market tomorrow.
I have mixed emotions about selling it, but not as many as I would’ve thought.

The last weekend of Jim’s life was spent there.
With our three sons.
We had a wonderful time.
The weekend before Christmas.
I’ll never forget it.
It’s engraved in my memory.

Jim loved that lake house.
I did, too.
Then.
Not so much since.
It’s just not the same.

And now the kids are older and further away.
So there are no more weekends at the lake.
It hasn’t become what we dreamed it would.
And that’s OK.
That actually makes it easier to part with.

I don’t particularly enjoy spending time there now.
It’s not the same.
It was supposed to be for us.
And now there is no us.

So it’s time to sell it to another family.
A family who can make the kind of fun memories we made.
It’s a great house.
On a great piece of property.
Right on the lake.
It’s beautiful.
I’ll miss it.

But then, I’ve been missing it for 8 years.
Because it’s not what it was.
But I hope it will be for another family.

In other news …… I’ve been on Gigi Duty for the last 24+ hours.
Daughter #2 had a conference to attend, so I’m here taking care of Little Man.
Boy, am I glad that I’m a Gigi and not a mom to a 15 month old.
Don’t get me wrong …… he is amazing.
And I love him more than I can put into words.
But holy cow …… 15 month olds take a lot of energy.
Which is why God designed us to have them at a much earlier age than I am now.

Although I have to tell you …… that I’m very proud of myself.
For teaching him/getting him to finally say …… mama.
The kid has refused to say “mama”.
In fact, he’s made a game out of it.
I’ll say, “Say Mama”, and he grins and says, “Dada”.
Every single time.
But two nights ago, for the first time, he uttered the word, “Mama”, after I put him to bed.
Of course he did that without me being able to capture it on video.
And I have no doubt that he did it on purpose.
The stinker.

Daughter #2 left last night around 6:00.
So I fed him dinner, cleaned him up and put him to bed.
And he may, or may have not, uttered the word, “Mama”.
Once or twice.

Tonight, after I put up with a couple of tantrums, fed him, cleaned him up, put his pjs on him, brushed his teeth, and finally put him in his crib, he decided to stand back up and chat with me.

So I got my phone out and started recording him, knowing that I could eventually get him to say, “Mama”.
And I did.
Whoop!
I was very proud of him, and of me.
And I immediately sent the video to Daughter #2.

I think it might have made her day.
Which probably wasn’t all that hard to do since she’s at a work conference.
But I think she was pretty happy with the video.

Gigi duty has gone pretty well.
Last night he went to bed very easily for me.
As he had done the night before when Daughter #2 went out to dinner with a friend.
Evidently he gives her a harder time.
As they are prone to do.

Last night he was out cold by 7:20.
He cried out at around 10:00, I patted him on the back, and he went back to sleep.
At 2:00 a.m. he woke up and cried. He could not be consoled enough to go back to sleep so I took him out of the crib and put him in bed with me.
Which, I have to admit, was the same horrible experience it was when my kids were small and I would let them in bed with me when Jim was out on an Indian Princess/Indian Guides weekend.
Meaning that he rolled all over that bed and did indeed kick me in the face more than once.
But hey …… instead of carrying each child into bed so that we could all get at least half a night’s sleep …… I just put up with his feet being in my face.
And so he slept.
Until 6:00 a.m.

Have I told you lately that I am NOT a morning person?
If you know me well, or even kind of well, you know that.
But heck, he was up so it was easier to get up than to fight it.

Which meant that I could fix him breakfast, make his lunch and drive him to day care by 8:00 a.m.
And then come back to get some much needed rest.

Yeah, maybe I’m not such a good Gigi.
Or maybe I am because I’m a Gigi who knows that she needs some down time in order to be the best Gigi she can be.
Thank God for day care.

Little Man is creeping up on his Terrible Twos. Which actually start around 18 months, but he seems to be ahead of the pack.
He was pretty bratty tonight …… until I got him set up for dinner.
The boy loves to eat.
No kidding.
He lives to eat.
And if you’ve seen a picture of him …… you understand.

Daughter #2 Face Timed us tonight, before dinner, but it didn’t go as well as we’d hoped. He was right in the middle of a bratty Terrible Two’s episode.
He totally loved seeing her on my lap top, but only for a couple of minutes or so.
After that he was off to bite me or scream because I wouldn’t let him take a bite out of one of the dogs or my toes.
He’s not very discriminating when it comes to biting someone/something.

But he did calm down once I changed his diaper, put his pjs on him and coated him in some kind of Johnson’s Baby Bedtime Lotion.
I’m not sure what that really is, but I was told to put it on him, and so I did.

The funny thing is …… he goes to bed much easier for me than he does for D#2.
I need to preface this with the fact that they are living in a one room, studio apartment. The whole thing is smaller than my bedroom (in Texas).
So when she puts him to bed she turns off all of the lights, the TV and anything else that might shine a light into their space. And then she sits in the dark while working on her computer or whatever else she can do in the dark.

Now me? Not so much.
He’s gone to bed three nights in a row with not only a light, but also the TV on.
And he’s had no problems with it.
I put him to bed, tell him “Night Night”, say his good night prayer (Now I lay me down to sleep …) and he lies down and goes to sleep.
Tonight he stood back up and chatted with me for a bit …… thus, I captured the “Mama” moment …… but he soon lay down and fell asleep.

I’m loving this Gigi stuff.

Which brings us back to the reason that I’m deciding to sell my home(s) and move to Waco.
I want to be close to Daughter #2 so that I can help out when she needs it.
Plus it puts me closer to Daughter #3, Son #1 and Son #2.

I still plan to divide my time between NY and TX, but we shall see which place I decide to spend the most time in.

So there you go …… the Vida Loca.

Enjoy!!IMG_2733.JPG

 

Life Moves Forward ……

3 Replies

…… and stops.

It’s been an eventful week for my family. Exciting things have been happening.
But for other families …… time has stopped.

Granted, I don’t personally know these families, but I have been where they are and I know the journey that lies before them.
And my heart breaks for them.

David Bowie …… and his wife Iman.
Alan Rickman …… and his wife Rima.
Rene Angelil …… and his wife Celine.

I hate that these women are now in this “club”.
I hate what lies ahead for them.
I hope that they find the kind of support and love and acceptance that’s here for them.

And life moves forward.
Slowly. One second at a time.
And then one day at a time.

I’m feeling overwhelmed.
In a good way.

Daughter #2 has been involved in a home remodeling.
It just so happens that this remodel is being done by a very popular show on HGTV.
It’s been going on since early November.
And today was the “reveal” of the finished project.

I was on “Gigi duty”.
Meaning, I took care of Little Man while all of the filming was going on.
I watched the taping from afar.
Which was frustrating, because I would’ve loved to have seen my daughter’s face when she saw her “new” home.
But I’ll watch it on TV when everyone else does.
(Which will be some time in March or April …… I’ll keep you posted.)

I took pictures from several houses away.
I entertained Little Man and then drove him around the block a few times so that he could fall asleep for a nap.
We spent an hour or so in the car.
And then it was done and I was able to wake him up and go into the house.
Oh.
My.
Word.

I knew that the finished product would be wonderful.
I expected to be delighted with the result.
But I didn’t expect to be so overwhelmed that I would cry.
Really cry.
I was shocked.
And so grateful and thrilled for my daughter.
I felt very blessed that she has been so blessed.
The house is more beautiful than I could have imagined.

I feel honored to be a witness to this blessing.
And honored to know that so many of my friends and family have helped out with this blessing.
Daughter #3 and her very good friend (also sometimes known as Daughter #4) created a site for people to donate for this remodel.
Contrary to popular belief, HGTV does not pay for the work.
You have to pay for it yourself, and it is not cheap.
Not by a long shot.

I shared the site on Face Book.
And holy cow, my friends and family rose to the occasion.
I’m flabbergasted at the love and generosity.
It will help Daughter #2 so very much.
She’s a social worker.
She’s a single mom of a foster child (who’s now 15 months old … can you believe it?!!).
And she’s moving forward to try to adopt Little Man.
All prayers are very appreciated.

I think they’re going to keep the site open for a bit longer.
If you’d like to help …… here’s the link.
If you can’t, we’d still appreciate your prayers and positive thoughts.

They still need to finish a few things before she and Little Man can move back into the house.
Which will hopefully be in a couple of weeks.

Right now she’s living in a studio apartment.
Which is about the size of a nice walk in closet.
I don’t know how she’s done it.
But I’ll get to experience it later this week when she goes to a conference and Gracie and I move in to take care of Little Man.
Keep those prayers and positive thoughts coming!
Please!!

Until then Gracie and I are staying in a hotel.
In Waco, Texas.
Which gives you a clue as to the HGTV show.
You’re welcome.
🙂

Fifty six ……

10 Replies

…… yep, 56 …… that’s how old you’d be today …… if you were still here.
Instead …… you are forever 47.
Not fair, Jim.
Totally not fair.

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In case you’re wondering, though I don’t think that you are, I miss you.
Every single day of my life …… I miss you.

You have missed so much.
Or have you?
Do you see us?
Are you a witness to everything our kids have been through?
Do you know how far each of them has come?
If so, I know that you are bursting with pride.
For each of them.
And all that they’ve accomplished.
All while missing you.

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My life is so different now.
You’d hardly recognize it.
Or would you?
Do you see me?
Are you aware of how much has changed?
Are you proud of me?

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I hope so.
I hope that you see.
I hope that you’re here …… nearby. Watching and cheering me on.
I’m not sure if you are.
But I hope so.

When you died, most of me died.
I thought I would die.
I wished I’d die.
But here I am.
Eight years later.
Not only alive …… but living.
There’s a difference, you know.

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I’m living.
I’m joyful.
I’m happy.
I’m content.
Mostly.

There are still days.
The missing of you still brings tears.
The loving of you will never end.
Not by me.
Not by your children.
Not by anyone who truly knew you.

Thank you for loving me unconditionally.
Thank you for our children.
Thank you for striving to be a godly man.
And a loving father.
And a Christ-like husband.

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Thank you for wanting to grow old with me.
Even though you didn’t.
It’s the thought that counts.
And you are always in my thoughts.

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I love you, Jim.
Always and forever.
And I’ll see you soon.

In the Spirit of Getting Un-Slumped ……

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…… I made myself go out today.
And buy a Christmas tree.
And decorate it.
Which didn’t take all that long since it’s the smallest Christmas tree I’ve ever had.

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I also set out a few decorations around the apartment.  I only have enough to fill one box so that also didn’t take very long.

Gracie didn’t know what to think about this activity.

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I hadn’t planned on decorating this year since I won’t be here in NY for Christmas.  But today I decided that maybe I should.  Maybe it would help.  And for the most part, it did.  The only downer was …… as I was decorating the tree and listening to Christmas music …… a song called, “One More Sleep” came on.  I’d never heard it before but I can tell you now that I have …… I hate it.  You can find the lyrics here.

But the tree is up and though it’s small, I’m thinking that from the outside it looks like a full-sized tree.  🙂

I still have the same problems that I had yesterday, and the same thoughts.  But I also know how very much God has blessed me.  I’m always aware of that, even in the midst of the pit, but some days I, like everyone else I know (widowed or not), don’t have the energy to fight the waves that come at me.  Especially when I’m sick.  Especially in December.

Thank you to everyone for your love, encouragement and support.  Sometimes I think I should just write out my feelings to get them out, and then delete them so that no one worries about me.  But I think that deleting them would be a disservice to others who grieve.  As much as my words help them to know they’re not alone, your words tell me that neither am I.  And I love you for that.

Now I have to finish watching “The Santa Clause”, keep trying to talk to a real person about insurance (ha!), drink some Robitussin so that I don’t hack up a lung, and then wrap Gracie up in her sling and go to our therapy dog class.  We had to miss a class over Thanksgiving but hopefully she’s still on track.
I’d hate to have to spend time in detention.

Even though I did find her in my bed last night like this:

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I Love to Be Happy ……

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…… I want to be happy. I know that happiness is temporary. It comes and goes. Especially if you seek it from outside yourself.

I know all of that.
And most of the time …… now eight (8) years later (and only those who have grieved such a loss can understand the obscenity of that number) I am more happy than not.

More than that, most of the time …… now 8 years later, I have joy.
But every once in a while, sometimes when I least expect it …… sometimes when I do …… something flips the breaker and happiness and joy are suddenly gone.

I used to love this time of the year. It was my favorite season, my favorite holiday.
And now, for obvious reasons, it mostly isn’t.

But there are other reasons, too. It’s not just Jim’s death, though had he not died, I’m sure I’d still be labeling this my favorite.

One would think that December 18th would be enough to have to bear.
Wouldn’t one?
But this time of year also brings things like property tax bills, which for some unexplained reason seem to almost double every year. Unfortunately, I have the “gift” of owning more than one house. Trust me, when there’s only one of you left …… it’s not a gift.

I sold our family home this past summer. And because I felt it was the best and kindest thing to do, I carried the note.
I wish I hadn’t. It’s been nothing but a headache since and the thought of this continuing into the future makes me want to either scream or jump out of the nearest window.

And then there’s health insurance. One would think that’s an easy enough item to take care of. One would be wrong.
Because I had to turn to Obamacare after Jim died (I had a pre-existing condition), I am now stuck in the government healthcare trap. And for some reason, it’s very, very difficult to escape.
My healthcare has changed drastically for this coming year, and I have to either swallow it down and accept it, no matter how much I hate it (and I do), or I need to go through the many hoops to contact our beloved government and get cancelled through them so that I can go off on my own.
Anyone ever tried to call the government healthcare system in the month of December?
They’re going to screw me over and I’m going to have to end up accepting it.
No matter how much I hate it.

Again, if Jim were alive, this would bother me about as much as a mosquito trapped in my bedroom at night.
But when it’s just you …… and EVERYTHING is just you …… it gets to be overwhelming.
Most days I can see all of this for what it is …… just something to whine about, and yet still be grateful for all that I have.

But then there are the days that sneak up on me, and make me feel that this crap will never end. That life will never again be anything more than just dealing with shit …… all alone.

I know that I’m supposed to be happy.
I know that I’m supposed to have joy.
I know that things could be so much worse.
Believe me …… I know.

But there’s nothing I can do to stop the feelings that come.
That roll over me and threaten to smother me.
I know they won’t.
I know that, in time, I’ll be ok.
But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that there are days when I wish they could smother me.
Days when being smothered sounds easy and peaceful.

I haven’t had one of those days in a long time.
A really long time.
So maybe I’m due.
Or maybe I’m just whining.
Whatever.

It is what it is.
And it feels how it feels.
Today …… maybe just today …… hopefully just today …… the missing of him feels horrible.

Thanksgiving ……

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…… was easier, and more difficult, than I expected. I had a wonderful time with 5 of my 6 children, though if you count my future son-in-law (and I do), then I had 6 out of 7.

It was nice to be back on the farm, where Jim grew up. Nice …… and difficult. But after almost 8 years …… more nice than difficult.
It was great to spend time with his two brothers, their wives and our niece. I never, ever, feel like I’m an outsider when I’m with his family. We were together almost 27 years, so that makes his family my family. And they’ve never, EVER made me feel differently.
I love them for that.

And yet …… that man has left a huge hole. And so did his mother, when she died four months after he did.
It’s not the same, of course.
But it’s still good.

So why do I always end up crying at the end of the holiday? And why do I always feel that I need to hide my tears from everyone?

Son #1 and I arrived at the farm on Wednesday evening. Son #2 and #3 were staying there with us, and with Jim’s dad. Daughters #2 & #3, Little Bit and Future Son-in-Law were staying at Jim’s youngest brother’s house. So we didn’t see them until Thanksgiving Day, when we all met up at his house.
It was so wonderful to just hang with all of them. All of us related because of Jim and because of love.

Son #3 left on Friday to head back to school for the big game that we won’t talk about.
I was sad to see him go, but I’ll see him soon in Texas.
Jim’s brother, his wife and our niece also headed back to California that day. And I was sad to see them go, but am looking forward to seeing them at the wedding in March.

The Daughters, Little Bit and Future Son-in-Law left Saturday morning. I was sad to see them go, especially since Daughter #3 and Future Son-in-Law will be spending Christmas with his family. But I’ll get to see them in NY in January, when she has her first fitting for her wedding dress.
I know!!!

Son #1 and I left Sunday morning and headed to Dallas. I was in a great mood when we left, after having a wonderful time with everyone.
But something strange happened as we entered Dallas. My heart started to crumble. And I don’t know why. The closer we got to his apartment, the sadder I felt. It wasn’t his apartment, I’m sure of that. I think it was that I was getting closer and closer to the end of the holiday/weekend. And closer to being without all of them.
And continuing to be without him.

God, I miss him so very much.
And while I can live most of my life continuing to move forward in spite of that …… there are times when that feeling of loss comes creeping up on me unexpectedly …… overwhelming me. Like it did yesterday on I-35.

It’s always hard to say goodbye to the last child I’m with. Son #1 was that lucky person. But I think I did a good job of hiding how I was feeling.
And stealthily wiping away the tears.
You tend to get good at that after almost 8 years.

I am now back in NY.
I’m glad to be here.
But I miss my family.

I miss Jim.

And I always will.

Even during the good times.
Especially during the good times.

New York in Pictures ……

5 Replies

…… is usually the best way to show people New York. So I’m just going to randomly post pictures and then give you a brief description of them.

OK? It really doesn’t matter if it’s ok or not, since I’m forging ahead with them.
You can close this page now, or hang on for the ride.
Whatever floats your boat.
🙂

OK, WordPress has suddenly changed its platform and rather than drive myself crazy trying to fix this problem and separate all of these pictures, I’m just going to go with the flow.
Know that I’m not happy about it, but I’m trying to remain calm since it’s very close to bed time.  🙂

So the first two pictures are, of course, Playbills from two plays that I saw last week.  The first play starts James Earl Jones and Cicely Tyson.  They both do a fine job, mostly of yelling at each other, which gets a tad bit old after a while.
But let me say this:  Ms. Tyson looks pretty dang fabulous for a woman who’s in her late 80’s.  And I do mean FABULOUS!

The next play, “Ugly Lies the Bone” was very good, and intense, and stars Mamie Gummer (a.k.a. Meryl Streep’s daughter).  She did a fantastic job.  The theatre is VERY small (I’m talking small!) and so it’s a very intimate space.  I recommend it.  Highly.

The four very lovely pictures were taken on our field trip to the Hudson Valley.  The trees were gorgeous, but my favorite spot was the rock wall that went into, and out of, the water.  I thought they were beautiful pictures …… even if I do say so myself.

I took Gracie to the park last week and she didn’t know what to make out of all of the leaves that totally covered the ground.  She kind of freaked out for a bit and then seemed to settle in.  Of course I couldn’t resist kicking leaves up on her to cover her up …… she wasn’t sure what to think about that, but ran away from them anyway.  🙂

The next pics are of the ice skating rink in Central Park.  I can’t believe how huge it is.  Looks like a lot of fun!

And then there’s Billy Crystal.  He and David Steinberg sat and talked for almost 2 hours.  I had a front row seat, though my first seat was over on the side.  The entire middle front row was empty, which Billy commented on when he came out, asking where the hell all of those people were.

I waited about 30 minutes or so, for a really good laugh, and then tried to stealthily move over to the middle section so that I could see them better.    Of course, Billy had to notice and say something, which is what I feared would happen and what made me wait those 30 minutes.    As soon as I sat down he looked up and said, “Where the hell have you been?!  Should we start over from the beginning?!”  I was a wee bit embarrassed, but happy that I’d managed to score a great seat.  It was a very fun evening.

The next picture is of my dumbo puppy, looking like she’s smoking a big, fat cigar.  That was the night before she started class to become a Therapy Dog.  We started that class last night, and in spite of my trepidation, she did ok.  I mean, we have a couple of things to work on, but she did much better than I thought she would. Oh, and she didn’t take the cigar with her.

The next two pics are for my Gamma Phi sisters.  Tonight was a crescent moon, so I took two pictures.  One farther away, one closer up.  And I thought of each of you as I took them.  🙂

I’m not too certain what that next picture of Gracie is, but the last one was taken after we got home from her class.  She was pooped.  To say the least. She still seems a bit tired, but she perked up today when we went to the Park for a walk.

I’ve spent a lot of time the last few weeks volunteering at the theatre.  It’s been crazy busy but nice to also work with new people and make new friends.  I’m really enjoying being a part of the people there.

So that’s a description of all of those pics.  You can always ask questions if you need to.

Let’s see …… what else?  I’m leaving for Texas this week, to spend a few days at home there, and then driving to Oklahoma with Son #1 for Thanksgiving.  All of the kids, except for Daughter #1, will be there, too.  I have mixed feelings about this.  I haven’t really understood why, except that this is Jim’s home, where he was born, played, worked, grew up.  This is the place we went to take a breather and enjoy the peace and quiet, even before the kids were born.  This was the land where we’d lie down on the grass at night and look at the stars that shone in a way they never did back in Tulsa.  We both loved the farm.  We loved his family.  We loved being there and taking our kids there.

I think my kids still enjoy going there, but it’s more pain than joy for me.  Part of me wants to just hide away during Thanksgiving, while part of me wants to be with my children.  So I’ll go.  I’ll swallow down the pain and focus on being happy and thankful.

When I was wondering why I was feeling this way, it occurred to me that, #1.  This place was a place that I only went to with Jim.  So no wonder it hurts to be there without him.

And ……

#2.  The death march always starts around Thanksgiving.  Even when I don’t remember, my mind and body do.  And for crying out loud, I’d love for that to stop!!!

Because all it does is cause me to miss him.  And miss him.  And miss him. And cry.  I hate crying.

In truth, it’s been a difficult couple of months, if not longer.  I miss him. That’s a given.  But sometimes the missing seems harder, longer and more painful.  And sometimes it makes me question things I’ve always believed, always known.  I’m struggling right now and would appreciate any prayers of believing friends who can spare them.

Here’s what’s going on:     I don’t believe that it was God’s will that Jim would die.  But yet he did.  Bad things happen.  Sometimes to good people.  Jim was good.  I wouldn’t say that I was, but he definitely was.  So that wasn’t God’s will.  Of course, He’s in control and He could’ve stepped in and healed Jim, but He did not.  For whatever reason.

So how do I reconcile a God who lets death happen, to a God I’m supposed to praise and be thankful to when He causes good things to happen?  Does He just step back and let death, carnage in Paris, thousands of refugees die?  He steps back and just lets that happen?                                                   But when something good happens, that’s because He intervened and made it happen?  Why would He step back for one thing and not for all things?  Why would he intervene in some events but not in all?

I’m so tired of hearing things like that; of hearing how marvelous God is because he saved someone.  How very hard people prayed and so God intervened.  People have no idea how very much those words hurt …… no, not just hurt …… but scar people like me.  Like my children.

I realize that there will be people who will believe that I shouldn’t be questioning such things. That thinking that way makes me seem “less than” a believer.  I’m ok with that.  Because I think it’s total B.S. to say that Christians never go through that.  I believe that honest Christians do. So yes, everyone else is lying.

It’s not pretty or popular to tell everyone that you’re struggling. Especially about God. And your faith.  But there you go.  I am.  If there’s one thing I’ve always done here, it’s tell the ugly truth.  I’m struggling.

So think what you will.  Condemn if you want.  Pray if you can.  It’s going to be a tough few weeks.  Right through Christmas and New Years, most likely.  Maybe not.  It would be nice if it didn’t last that long.  Last year was a bit better, so that’s what I’m going for.

Now I shall return to binge watching a show called, “Reign”.  Since I love historical fiction, it’s indeed been a total binge watch.  You can Google it or check it out on Netflix if you want to learn more about it.

Have a great week, Peeps.
❤

Settling In ……

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…… to my Fall schedule here in NY.
I think.

I just had a great week and a half with my friend J visiting me for a week, and then with Son #1 who came for the long weekend. The best part of their visits? We didn’t have to go and see everything. We enjoyed just hanging out with each other and seeing a few things.
I think I’m done with being the official NY tour guide.
Seriously.

Son #1 and I walked down to Times Square on Sunday and hung out there for a while. It’s a great place to people watch.
I took him by the Ed Sullivan Theatre so that he could see the new Stephen Colbert signs. That’s when we noticed signs in the window that stated (more or less), “If you want to get stand by tickets, come back here at 1:00 tomorrow”. And so we did. We were number 17 in the stand by line.
They told us to come back at 4:15, when they would randomly pick numbers to fill in the stand by seats.
So we explored the south end of the city for quite a while before heading back to the theatre to see if our number was picked.
And it was.
Whoop!

We had a great time being in that audience. We were up in the balcony, but had a great view of Elvis Costello and all things Colbert. It was definitely worth the two waits.
After that exciting day we came back to the apartment, heated up leftover Thai food, and watched “King Kong”, with Jack Black. Not a great movie, but it was more about the company than the movie.
I love spending time with my kids.
As does Gracie Lou. ❤

Today I went to BSF (Bible Study Fellowship), which is a great Bible study in any city. This year we’re studying Revelation, which should be a very interesting and exciting study. I’m hoping to make friends with other Christian women in NY and getting to know more people here.
It would’ve helped if my Uber ride hadn’t taken 4o minutes to do a 15 minute drive.
So yeah, I was pretty late by the time I got there.
But there’s always next week. 🙂

I came home afterwards to relax for a bit before I went to my very first Improv class at the theatre where I volunteer.
I wasn’t too sure about doing this, but I’m so glad that I went. It was great fun and I can’t wait until next week.

I left that theatre and headed to a movie theater to see a screening of a new movie called, “Truth”. It’s about CBS and Dan Rather and all of the crap that went down with him and them.
It was very good.

Tomorrow I’m heading to the Meredith Vieira show with my friend, Kelley. That should be fun. Even if it’s not, Kelley and I always have fun together. In fact, there’s a huge chance that we might get thrown out of the audience.
Maybe.

Then tomorrow night I’m going to another movie screening of something called “Room”. I’m not too sure about this one, but hey, it’s free.
We’ll see if “free” makes it worth while.

Thank you to all of you who commented here, on Facebook, by email, or text on my previous post. It helps more than you can know. I’m always humbled when I write something that connects with someone else. Your comments let me know that I’m not alone. And that’s huge.

That’s it for tonight. I can’t keep my eyes open so it’s time to hit the hay before I type something very, very embarrassing.
Yes, it’s happened.

Good night one and all.
I hope you have a wonderful Wednesday.
Oh, and be sure to watch/record the Meredith Vieira show. Who know what/who you might see?!
🙂

Sometimes I Wonder ……

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…… if Jim would be proud of me.
Of our family.
Of how I’ve done.

I wish that I could answer in the affirmative. 100% yes, of course he would.
But I can’t.

Our children were all at such vulnerable ages when he died. I think they’ve questioned so very much since that day almost 8 years ago.
I myself have had my fair share of questions. And my fair share of shifts in beliefs.

I don’t pray the same way I used to.
I don’t believe some of the things I used to.
Fundamentally, I still believe that I am a follower of Christ.
But I no longer pray for specific outcomes. Instead, I pray for peace, strength and love to surround people who will need those things.
I don’t believe that prayer changes the outcome.
If I believed that, then I’d have to believe that God sees some people as better than others.
That some people are worth saving, while others are not.

I can’t, and I don’t, believe in a God who thinks that way.

If some of the beliefs I used to hold have changed, then how can I not think that my children’s beliefs have changed?
Of course they have.
I just wish they hadn’t changed so much.

I can understand the changes.
Truly, I can.
Our life was one way.
And in a matter of hours, it was not.
I can understand how that can change a person.

I just wish that these changes didn’t scare me.
Didn’t make me feel that I, in some way, have failed my children.
Because I do.
100%.

Maybe if I hadn’t grieved so long and so hard, their beliefs wouldn’t’ have changed.
Maybe if part of me wouldn’t have died the day Jim died, they’d still hold on strong to their faith.

Or maybe none of this would’ve mattered anyway.
My children are individuals, with their own thoughts, their own beliefs, their own faith.
And maybe, if Jim were still alive, they’d still be struggling with their own individual beliefs.
Maybe.

I’ll never know.

All I know is that one day we seemed to be a family of one faith and one belief …… and now we are not.
What could I have done …… what should I have done …… to avoid this?

What would Jim say?

I wish I knew.

Or do I?