Category Archives: Faith

Fifty six ……

…… yep, 56 …… that’s how old you’d be today …… if you were still here.
Instead …… you are forever 47.
Not fair, Jim.
Totally not fair.

In case you’re wondering, though I don’t think that you are, I miss you.
Every single day of my life …… I miss you.

You have missed so much.
Or have you?
Do you see us?
Are you a witness to everything our kids have been through?
Do you know how far each of them has come?
If so, I know that you are bursting with pride.
For each of them.
And all that they’ve accomplished.
All while missing you.

My life is so different now.
You’d hardly recognize it.
Or would you?
Do you see me?
Are you aware of how much has changed?
Are you proud of me?

I hope so.
I hope that you see.
I hope that you’re here …… nearby. Watching and cheering me on.
I’m not sure if you are.
But I hope so.

When you died, most of me died.
I thought I would die.
I wished I’d die.
But here I am.
Eight years later.
Not only alive …… but living.
There’s a difference, you know.

I’m living.
I’m joyful.
I’m happy.
I’m content.
Mostly.

There are still days.
The missing of you still brings tears.
The loving of you will never end.
Not by me.
Not by your children.
Not by anyone who truly knew you.

Thank you for loving me unconditionally.
Thank you for our children.
Thank you for striving to be a godly man.
And a loving father.
And a Christ-like husband.

Thank you for wanting to grow old with me.
Even though you didn’t.
It’s the thought that counts.
And you are always in my thoughts.

I love you, Jim.
Always and forever.
And I’ll see you soon.

Another Christmas ……

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…… has come and gone.
And even though it was our 9th one without Jim, we had a great time.
I feel so blessed to have had 5 out of 6 of the kids here. Daughter #3 and her fiancé were in Ohio, celebrating with his family. They were definitely missed, but I know that they had a wonderful time up there. I’m thankful that she’ll soon be joining such a loving, accepting and fun family. And I do mean soon. The wedding is a little over 2 months away!

It was great to have Daughter #1 and her lovely partner here. It was her first (and maybe last?) time to see my Texas home.
Daughter #2 and Little Man have been here since Monday night. They arrived about 30 minutes after I got in from NY. Little Man has been a blast to have around. It’s so wonderful to see Christmas through a child’s eyes. Even a 15 month old!
The three of us went to church on Christmas Eve. It was nice to see so many friends that I’ve missed for a long time. And Little Man did very well during the service. At one point we had to make sure that we kept a steady stream of Cheerios going into his mouth, but it was all good. 🙂

Son #1 came in from Dallas on Wednesday and Son #2 came in from Austin on Thursday.
The kids took turns cooking wonderful meals and everyone helped out with the clean ups.
They all have made me feel very blessed.
And Mom and D joined us Christmas Day!

We mostly hung around the house, watched Christmas movies and just spent time together.
Oh, and we’ve also spent time with the three dogs that are here: Gracie, Daughter #2’s dog, R.G. (named after Robert Griffin III … you know … Baylor), and Son #3’s brand new dog that he adopted from a humane shelter in Oklahoma … Xander. He’s a very sweet, large dog.
I have to admit that I was less than thrilled to find out we’d have three dogs here, but they’ve really done pretty well.
If you don’t count the destroyed carpet upstairs in one area.
I guess it could’ve been worse.

Son #2 left this morning and Daughter #1 left tonight. Son #1 leaves tomorrow and Son #3 heads back on Wednesday.
Thankfully, Daughter #2 and Little Man are staying here until Saturday or Sunday. It’s really been wonderful to be able to spend so much time with him.

Yesterday most of us went rock climbing. And yes, I’m proud to say that I joined in.
In fact, see this wall?

I totally crushed it!! And two others!
I think I surprised the kids.
I’m not a fan of heights, so I just didn’t bother to look down.
Ever.
I just kept going up.
It was quite a workout!
I thought I’d be horribly sore today but I’m not. My body doesn’t feel like it’s been rock climbing.
Maybe it’ll hit me tomorrow. 🙂

Gracie Lou has had fun with the other two dogs. They are all wearing each other out. I think she’s really going to miss them when they all leave.

I hope that you all had a blessed Christmas and I wish you a Happy New Year. May 2016 be better than 2015 for so many of you who are missing your special person.
Thank you for being a part of my life …… even if I don’t know that you are. 🙂

Eight ……

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…… excruciatingly long years that seemed to have flown by in a heartbeat.
I know that most of you get that.

Eight.
How is it possible?
How is it that Daughter #1 went to, and graduated from, school for her Masters degree?

How is that Daughter #2 worked for a year and then did the same thing?
How is that she’s been a foster mom to the most precious baby boy for over a year now? And she has her own home?

How is it that Daughter #3 has worked in Texas and New York while getting her Masters? How can it be that she’s engaged to be married in less than 3 months?

How is it that Son #1 graduated from high school and college and has a wonderful job and life in Dallas?

How is it that Son #2 survived his teen years, graduated from high school, went to barber school and now lives in Austin where he loves his job and his life?

And how is it that Son #3 made it through middle school, high school and is now in his third year of college at our favorite school, Oklahoma State? How is it that I’ve attended at least three Homecomings there?
At that place where we met.
And fell in love.

How in the hell is it that this all happened without him?

Eight years ago …… this day …… I thought that my life came crashing to an end.
And in a sense, it did.
That life died with Jim, just as part of me died with him.

I have missed that man every second of these past 8 years.
I have cherished our memories, our children and our blessing of being best friends, as well as husband and wife, these past 8 years.
I have loved him with all of my heart these past 8 years.
That won’t stop.
No matter how many years go by.

That doesn’t mean there’s not room in my heart for more love.
Fortunately, hearts grow bigger.
If you don’t believe that you’ve never had more than one child. 🙂

Now eight years later …… here I am …… still alive.
Not only alive, but thriving.
Happy.
Joyful.
Blessed.

The “before me” would never have believed that I would make it this far.
The me that was left behind 8 years ago would never have dreamed this would be my life now. That me didn’t …… no,couldn’t …… see a future for herself at all. She saw nothing but cold, inky darkness.
For what felt like a very long time.

Eight years later, the blackness is gone.
Most of the time.
Every once in a while a rogue wave roars over me, knocking me to my knees.
But not down.
And definitely not out.

In that way, I don’t think I’m so very different from any other human.
In spite of being blessed, there are still times of grief.
There are times when that night eight years ago comes charging into me. And it feels like I’m right back in that hospital room.
Saying goodbye without knowing it was really goodbye.
I hate being back in that room.

Thankfully that doesn’t happen very often.
Mostly just once a year or so.
Usually around this date.
Around this day.

Eight years.
It’s amazing.
And horrible.
All at the same time.

Eight years.
Eight years of bad.
Eight years of good.
Eight years of growing, loving, learning and finding joy again.
Eight years of knowing that God never left my side.
Even during the times I couldn’t feel him.
Probably especially during those times.
Eight years of grief.
Eight years of blessings.

A lot can happen in eight years.
And though I couldn’t even think this 8 years ago ……

I’m looking forward to what the next eight hold.

What a Difference ……

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…… a week makes.
The above picture pretty much says it all about last week.
Thankfully, that was last week. Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers. I’m feeling 100% better.

Here are some pictures from this past week:

This isn’t a very good picture, but it’s a sight I love to view …. my Christmas tree at night. So peaceful. And such good memories of sitting with Jim in the peace and quiet and enjoying a similar view.

This was a store in Greenwich, CT. Yeah. Pink Chicken. It’s a children’s clothing store. If you can explain this to me you’re much smarter than I am. Or maybe just more worldly.

This is Kathleen Turner. I met her last night at a small reception before a radio program which was the 6th annual reading of “A Christmas Carol”. She was Scrooge.
In the program, not in real life. She was very nice and very friendly. She spent some time chatting with us. Pretty cool, huh?

This is part of the cast of the program. The man on the far right is the sound effects guy for “A Prairie Home Companion”. It was fun to watch him work. (If you want to watch this, or listen to it, you can find info about it here.)

This was the scene on my way home after the program. Not exactly the sight you want to see while waiting for the subway. I have no idea what they were doing, but after waiting for about 20 minutes and noting that they didn’t seem to be any closer to accomplishing whatever it was they were trying to accomplish, I opted for a different subway.

I took these pictures tonight after I got these puppy Christmas sweaters. I’d love to tell you that Gracie enjoys being a fashionista, but she does not. If you could see her eyes clearly you’d be able to see the shame and blame pouring out of them. If she could speak I know she’d say, “Why do you hate me?”
But …… as a mother of 6 …… I’m ok with that. If I didn’t embarrass at least one of my kids once a week then I wasn’t doing my job. She is now a sort of replacement child so she has to suck it up.

So yeah, this week has been going better than the last. The only negative thing is …… my friend Jeni is now holed up in her apartment with a cold. She probably got it from me after the drive to and from Greenwich, although I felt pretty good that day and didn’t have a fever. But I feel guilty.
See the price you pay for being my friend? I’m a cross to bear. But I’m fun. 🙂

This week brought my last BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) class of the year and my last ASL 2 (American Sign Language) class. Both will start back up after the new year (well, it’ll be ASL 3). I’m enjoying and learning a lot from both. We’re studying the book of Revelation in BSF. It’s starting to get deep and of course more and more interesting. I love being involved in a Bible study with so many different women of different backgrounds, churches, perspectives, races, ethnicities and ages. It’s been a great study.

OK, I just saw a news item that declared that using punctuation when text messaging “shows insincerity and annoyance”. Ummmmm …… what the what?! I thought it just showed intelligence and a correct use of grammar. Who the heck did they poll for this? You can bet your bippy it wasn’t anyone over the age of 40. And yes, I just aged myself royally by using the word bippy.
Whatever.

Before I close I’ll leave you with a question. As you know by now I never get political on my blog(s), but I don’t really think this is really a political question. Yet I feel that it must be asked…… Does anyone else suspect that his real name is Donald “Adolph” Trump?

In the Spirit of Getting Un-Slumped ……

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…… I made myself go out today.
And buy a Christmas tree.
And decorate it.
Which didn’t take all that long since it’s the smallest Christmas tree I’ve ever had.

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I also set out a few decorations around the apartment. I only have enough to fill one box so that also didn’t take very long.

Gracie didn’t know what to think about this activity.

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I hadn’t planned on decorating this year since I won’t be here in NY for Christmas. But today I decided that maybe I should. Maybe it would help. And for the most part, it did. The only downer was …… as I was decorating the tree and listening to Christmas music …… a song called, “One More Sleep” came on. I’d never heard it before but I can tell you now that I have …… I hate it. You can find the lyrics here.

But the tree is up and though it’s small, I’m thinking that from the outside it looks like a full-sized tree. 🙂

I still have the same problems that I had yesterday, and the same thoughts. But I also know how very much God has blessed me. I’m always aware of that, even in the midst of the pit, but some days I, like everyone else I know (widowed or not), don’t have the energy to fight the waves that come at me. Especially when I’m sick. Especially in December.

Thank you to everyone for your love, encouragement and support. Sometimes I think I should just write out my feelings to get them out, and then delete them so that no one worries about me. But I think that deleting them would be a disservice to others who grieve. As much as my words help them to know they’re not alone, your words tell me that neither am I. And I love you for that.

Now I have to finish watching “The Santa Clause”, keep trying to talk to a real person about insurance (ha!), drink some Robitussin so that I don’t hack up a lung, and then wrap Gracie up in her sling and go to our therapy dog class. We had to miss a class over Thanksgiving but hopefully she’s still on track.
I’d hate to have to spend time in detention.

Even though I did find her in my bed last night like this:

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New York in Pictures ……

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…… is usually the best way to show people New York. So I’m just going to randomly post pictures and then give you a brief description of them.

OK? It really doesn’t matter if it’s ok or not, since I’m forging ahead with them.
You can close this page now, or hang on for the ride.
Whatever floats your boat.
🙂

OK, WordPress has suddenly changed its platform and rather than drive myself crazy trying to fix this problem and separate all of these pictures, I’m just going to go with the flow.
Know that I’m not happy about it, but I’m trying to remain calm since it’s very close to bed time. 🙂

So the first two pictures are, of course, Playbills from two plays that I saw last week. The first play starts James Earl Jones and Cicely Tyson. They both do a fine job, mostly of yelling at each other, which gets a tad bit old after a while.
But let me say this: Ms. Tyson looks pretty dang fabulous for a woman who’s in her late 80’s. And I do mean FABULOUS!

The next play, “Ugly Lies the Bone” was very good, and intense, and stars Mamie Gummer (a.k.a. Meryl Streep’s daughter). She did a fantastic job. The theatre is VERY small (I’m talking small!) and so it’s a very intimate space. I recommend it. Highly.

The four very lovely pictures were taken on our field trip to the Hudson Valley. The trees were gorgeous, but my favorite spot was the rock wall that went into, and out of, the water. I thought they were beautiful pictures …… even if I do say so myself.

I took Gracie to the park last week and she didn’t know what to make out of all of the leaves that totally covered the ground. She kind of freaked out for a bit and then seemed to settle in. Of course I couldn’t resist kicking leaves up on her to cover her up …… she wasn’t sure what to think about that, but ran away from them anyway. 🙂

The next pics are of the ice skating rink in Central Park. I can’t believe how huge it is. Looks like a lot of fun!

And then there’s Billy Crystal. He and David Steinberg sat and talked for almost 2 hours. I had a front row seat, though my first seat was over on the side. The entire middle front row was empty, which Billy commented on when he came out, asking where the hell all of those people were.

I waited about 30 minutes or so, for a really good laugh, and then tried to stealthily move over to the middle section so that I could see them better. Of course, Billy had to notice and say something, which is what I feared would happen and what made me wait those 30 minutes. As soon as I sat down he looked up and said, “Where the hell have you been?! Should we start over from the beginning?!” I was a wee bit embarrassed, but happy that I’d managed to score a great seat. It was a very fun evening.

The next picture is of my dumbo puppy, looking like she’s smoking a big, fat cigar. That was the night before she started class to become a Therapy Dog. We started that class last night, and in spite of my trepidation, she did ok. I mean, we have a couple of things to work on, but she did much better than I thought she would. Oh, and she didn’t take the cigar with her.

The next two pics are for my Gamma Phi sisters. Tonight was a crescent moon, so I took two pictures. One farther away, one closer up. And I thought of each of you as I took them. 🙂

I’m not too certain what that next picture of Gracie is, but the last one was taken after we got home from her class. She was pooped. To say the least. She still seems a bit tired, but she perked up today when we went to the Park for a walk.

I’ve spent a lot of time the last few weeks volunteering at the theatre. It’s been crazy busy but nice to also work with new people and make new friends. I’m really enjoying being a part of the people there.

So that’s a description of all of those pics. You can always ask questions if you need to.

Let’s see …… what else? I’m leaving for Texas this week, to spend a few days at home there, and then driving to Oklahoma with Son #1 for Thanksgiving. All of the kids, except for Daughter #1, will be there, too. I have mixed feelings about this. I haven’t really understood why, except that this is Jim’s home, where he was born, played, worked, grew up. This is the place we went to take a breather and enjoy the peace and quiet, even before the kids were born. This was the land where we’d lie down on the grass at night and look at the stars that shone in a way they never did back in Tulsa. We both loved the farm. We loved his family. We loved being there and taking our kids there.

I think my kids still enjoy going there, but it’s more pain than joy for me. Part of me wants to just hide away during Thanksgiving, while part of me wants to be with my children. So I’ll go. I’ll swallow down the pain and focus on being happy and thankful.

When I was wondering why I was feeling this way, it occurred to me that, #1. This place was a place that I only went to with Jim. So no wonder it hurts to be there without him.

And ……

#2. The death march always starts around Thanksgiving. Even when I don’t remember, my mind and body do. And for crying out loud, I’d love for that to stop!!!

Because all it does is cause me to miss him. And miss him. And miss him. And cry. I hate crying.

In truth, it’s been a difficult couple of months, if not longer. I miss him. That’s a given. But sometimes the missing seems harder, longer and more painful. And sometimes it makes me question things I’ve always believed, always known. I’m struggling right now and would appreciate any prayers of believing friends who can spare them.

Here’s what’s going on: I don’t believe that it was God’s will that Jim would die. But yet he did. Bad things happen. Sometimes to good people. Jim was good. I wouldn’t say that I was, but he definitely was. So that wasn’t God’s will. Of course, He’s in control and He could’ve stepped in and healed Jim, but He did not. For whatever reason.

So how do I reconcile a God who lets death happen, to a God I’m supposed to praise and be thankful to when He causes good things to happen? Does He just step back and let death, carnage in Paris, thousands of refugees die? He steps back and just lets that happen? But when something good happens, that’s because He intervened and made it happen? Why would He step back for one thing and not for all things? Why would he intervene in some events but not in all?

I’m so tired of hearing things like that; of hearing how marvelous God is because he saved someone. How very hard people prayed and so God intervened. People have no idea how very much those words hurt …… no, not just hurt …… but scar people like me. Like my children.

I realize that there will be people who will believe that I shouldn’t be questioning such things. That thinking that way makes me seem “less than” a believer. I’m ok with that. Because I think it’s total B.S. to say that Christians never go through that. I believe that honest Christians do. So yes, everyone else is lying.

It’s not pretty or popular to tell everyone that you’re struggling. Especially about God. And your faith. But there you go. I am. If there’s one thing I’ve always done here, it’s tell the ugly truth. I’m struggling.

So think what you will. Condemn if you want. Pray if you can. It’s going to be a tough few weeks. Right through Christmas and New Years, most likely. Maybe not. It would be nice if it didn’t last that long. Last year was a bit better, so that’s what I’m going for.

Now I shall return to binge watching a show called, “Reign”. Since I love historical fiction, it’s indeed been a total binge watch. You can Google it or check it out on Netflix if you want to learn more about it.

Have a great week, Peeps.
❤

Settling In ……

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…… to my Fall schedule here in NY.
I think.

I just had a great week and a half with my friend J visiting me for a week, and then with Son #1 who came for the long weekend. The best part of their visits? We didn’t have to go and see everything. We enjoyed just hanging out with each other and seeing a few things.
I think I’m done with being the official NY tour guide.
Seriously.

Son #1 and I walked down to Times Square on Sunday and hung out there for a while. It’s a great place to people watch.
I took him by the Ed Sullivan Theatre so that he could see the new Stephen Colbert signs. That’s when we noticed signs in the window that stated (more or less), “If you want to get stand by tickets, come back here at 1:00 tomorrow”. And so we did. We were number 17 in the stand by line.
They told us to come back at 4:15, when they would randomly pick numbers to fill in the stand by seats.
So we explored the south end of the city for quite a while before heading back to the theatre to see if our number was picked.
And it was.
Whoop!

We had a great time being in that audience. We were up in the balcony, but had a great view of Elvis Costello and all things Colbert. It was definitely worth the two waits.
After that exciting day we came back to the apartment, heated up leftover Thai food, and watched “King Kong”, with Jack Black. Not a great movie, but it was more about the company than the movie.
I love spending time with my kids.
As does Gracie Lou. ❤

Today I went to BSF (Bible Study Fellowship), which is a great Bible study in any city. This year we’re studying Revelation, which should be a very interesting and exciting study. I’m hoping to make friends with other Christian women in NY and getting to know more people here.
It would’ve helped if my Uber ride hadn’t taken 4o minutes to do a 15 minute drive.
So yeah, I was pretty late by the time I got there.
But there’s always next week. 🙂

I came home afterwards to relax for a bit before I went to my very first Improv class at the theatre where I volunteer.
I wasn’t too sure about doing this, but I’m so glad that I went. It was great fun and I can’t wait until next week.

I left that theatre and headed to a movie theater to see a screening of a new movie called, “Truth”. It’s about CBS and Dan Rather and all of the crap that went down with him and them.
It was very good.

Tomorrow I’m heading to the Meredith Vieira show with my friend, Kelley. That should be fun. Even if it’s not, Kelley and I always have fun together. In fact, there’s a huge chance that we might get thrown out of the audience.
Maybe.

Then tomorrow night I’m going to another movie screening of something called “Room”. I’m not too sure about this one, but hey, it’s free.
We’ll see if “free” makes it worth while.

Thank you to all of you who commented here, on Facebook, by email, or text on my previous post. It helps more than you can know. I’m always humbled when I write something that connects with someone else. Your comments let me know that I’m not alone. And that’s huge.

That’s it for tonight. I can’t keep my eyes open so it’s time to hit the hay before I type something very, very embarrassing.
Yes, it’s happened.

Good night one and all.
I hope you have a wonderful Wednesday.
Oh, and be sure to watch/record the Meredith Vieira show. Who know what/who you might see?!
🙂

Sometimes I Wonder ……

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…… if Jim would be proud of me.
Of our family.
Of how I’ve done.

I wish that I could answer in the affirmative. 100% yes, of course he would.
But I can’t.

Our children were all at such vulnerable ages when he died. I think they’ve questioned so very much since that day almost 8 years ago.
I myself have had my fair share of questions. And my fair share of shifts in beliefs.

I don’t pray the same way I used to.
I don’t believe some of the things I used to.
Fundamentally, I still believe that I am a follower of Christ.
But I no longer pray for specific outcomes. Instead, I pray for peace, strength and love to surround people who will need those things.
I don’t believe that prayer changes the outcome.
If I believed that, then I’d have to believe that God sees some people as better than others.
That some people are worth saving, while others are not.

I can’t, and I don’t, believe in a God who thinks that way.

If some of the beliefs I used to hold have changed, then how can I not think that my children’s beliefs have changed?
Of course they have.
I just wish they hadn’t changed so much.

I can understand the changes.
Truly, I can.
Our life was one way.
And in a matter of hours, it was not.
I can understand how that can change a person.

I just wish that these changes didn’t scare me.
Didn’t make me feel that I, in some way, have failed my children.
Because I do.
100%.

Maybe if I hadn’t grieved so long and so hard, their beliefs wouldn’t’ have changed.
Maybe if part of me wouldn’t have died the day Jim died, they’d still hold on strong to their faith.

Or maybe none of this would’ve mattered anyway.
My children are individuals, with their own thoughts, their own beliefs, their own faith.
And maybe, if Jim were still alive, they’d still be struggling with their own individual beliefs.
Maybe.

I’ll never know.

All I know is that one day we seemed to be a family of one faith and one belief …… and now we are not.
What could I have done …… what should I have done …… to avoid this?

What would Jim say?

I wish I knew.

Or do I?

Sometimes a Building ……

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…… is so much more than walls, ceilings, stone, wood and paint.

Sometimes buildings are living, breathing things.
Or so they seem.
So very much.

I was up quite early this morning and I decided that I would visit my old church today for the Sunday service. Just as I was looking its service times up on the internet, one of my best friends texted me and asked if I’d like to attend with her.
Coincidence? I think not.
So I said yes, and proceeded to get ready.

I haven’t been to this exact church in many, many, many months.
I’ve visited a few churches all across our area, and have enjoyed a couple of them, but nothing has clicked in with that feeling of, dare I say it …… home.

In fact, as I was getting ready I thought, briefly, “I wonder if it will feel like home?”, thinking that it probably would not.
But I wanted to give it one last try.
I don’t say goodbye easily, you see.

This church is so much more to me than a church…… more than a building that holds a church.
It’s a living, breathing organism that holds so much of Jim in it. It also holds emotions that I poured into it, or had them ripped from me there.

And then there are the memories.
The memory of our first visit back when we were a young family of six (4 small children, 2 parents). Then Son #2 came along and was baptized there, as was Son #3. All 6 of our children were confirmed there, deep friendships were created there, faith-growing happened there and bold decisions were made there.

Jim is all over that building. He was the President of our congregation when we purchased the land next to ours so that we could create a larger sanctuary. He was a huge part of our church, both the new and the old.

So I feel him every time I step into that building. Not only him, but the huge, gaping loss of him. His absence is, for me, nowhere greater than in that building.
I feel the huge emptiness of him there.
I feel the pain and anguish and icy darkness I felt there after his death.
I feel the pain of “friends”, who, I’m choosing to believe had no idea what they were doing, said terribly hurtful things, or stood with those who did.
When you add all that pain up it creates one very large barrier for a building.

Not that everything and everyone was all negative, because that’s not true. There was a lot of love in that building, too, but the love couldn’t over compensate for the pain, hurt and darkness.

But every time I return to Texas I argue with myself about visiting “our” church again. This was the first Sunday that part of me won that argument. So I decided to not give it much thought, but to just hurry and get ready and go before I could change my mind.

As I drove to the church, I again wondered, “Will it feel like home?”, thinking the chances were low.
My heart rate sped up pretty quickly and my breathing quickened as I walked from the parking lot to the doors. I tried to keep my eyes averted so that I didn’t appear to look like a “deer in the headlights” to anyone. But soon a long-time friend saw me and came over for a quick hug and said that it was good to see me. I said the same.
I was still trying not to hyperventilate as I looked around, when suddenly my dear, sweet friend Janet walked straight up to me and wrapped me in the strongest, longest hug I’ve had in months and months and months. I didn’t want her to let go. But she eventually did. And when she did, she held my hand warmly and firmly in hers, caught my eyes and said, as sincerely and warmly as possible, “Welcome Home. It’s good to have you.”
It was all I could do to not cry. To not ugly cry.
You see, that’s all I wanted, though I didn’t clearly realize it …… to be made to feel at home. And she blessed me hugely with her touch and her words……with her love.
I thanked her and told her that her words meant very much to me. She said, “I know.”
I totally love that woman and wish that I could travel the world with her. Or at least parts of Texas.
She helped me realize that I could go in and actually sit through the service, which I did, with my friend next to me for support.

I have to admit that I almost hyperventilated for the first 10 minutes or so. Tears were streaming down my cheeks. I felt very overwhelmed with the rush of feelings, memories, pain, good times, etc. that came charging at me all at once. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to stay. But I chose to just breathe.
That’s all.
To concentrate on breathing in …… and then out.
As long as I could focus on that job, I could keep the emotions under control.
And it became easier and easier.

So maybe this was a first tiny step to coming back home.
Maybe.

I feel blessed to have two churches where I can feel home now. One here, one in NY.
They have common themes, goals, and plans. And yet they have different ways of carrying out those things. They’ll all get done, each in their own way, which will make them all the more remarkable.
I am blessed.
Even on those days when I feel too overwhelmed to walk inside, I’m blessed when I enter anyway.

I will always be overwhelmed with the sense of Jim in that building. I’m sure there will always be moments, songs, prayers that will bring tears from memories.
And that’s ok.

Sometimes home can be very overwhelming.
And I’ve learned …… that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

	mysecondplana on 18 ……
	mysecondplana on 18 ……
	Cindy Trammell on 18 ……
	Saundra on 18 ……
	Lorraine on The Lack of Touch ……

My Second Plan A

After my first Plan A ended tragically, and all too soon, I came up with my second Plan A. It took a while, but now I'm ready to live again. And live fully.