Tag Archives: life in NY

A Walk in the Park ……

…… without a George sighting today.
Sigh.

But Gracie and I had a nice time anyway.
She’s a very interesting dog to take on a walk.
That’s because …… and this might be considered TMI …… or humiliating for her …… but, she does not “do her business” outside.
Not at all.
Nope.
Nothin’.
Zip.
Nada.
No matter how long we stay out.

It seems that she doesn’t think she’s supposed to go anywhere else but her litter box.
Which cracks me up.
And makes me proud.
She has too much class to relieve herself in public.
I admire her fortitude.

She still stops and sniffs at every single tree and pole.

But that’s all she does.
Just sniffs.

She also wants to meet and greet every single person/dog that comes our way.
And I’m not kidding when I say ……
Every
Single
One.

It makes for a much longer walk than necessary.
At least she’s friendly.

She has surprised me with her friendliness.
When we’re at home and she hears someone outside, she barks like a maniacal Doberman.
Seriously, she thinks she can take anyone and anything.
Napoleon complex, anyone?

But she doesn’t bark at anyone or anything when we’re out walking.
She just wags her stubby little tail and silently begs people to play with her.
And then sadly watches them go past.

Then she looks at me …… with sadness in her eyes, as if to say,”Why won’t they play with me?”
Bless her teeny tiny little heart.

As we walked back to the apartment I started noticing that suddenly we seemed to be surrounded by high school-looking students who were dressed in shirts and ties (the boys) and dresses (the girls …… just in case you couldn’t figure that out).
And by surrounded, I mean there were hundreds. If not thousands.
There were school busses parked and double parked all up and down Central Park West (the street behind my apartment building that borders the west side of Central Park).
Here’s a small sample:

I still have no idea why they were there.
It’s May Day, but do kids dress up for that and get to take a field trip to the city?
Anyone know what the deal is?

Well, that’s it for my day.
I know, it’s almost too exciting for you to handle.
Take a deep breath and try to calm down.

Before I end this post I want to say thank you to all of you who commented here and/or on Facebook when I wrote about my secret feelings and sadness the other day.

I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. And how surprised I was by the number of widowed people who are reading my blog.
I really didn’t think many people read it at all, widowed or not.
So thank you.
Thank you for letting me know that I’m not alone in feeling that way.
Thank you for telling me that you felt less alone when you read it.
It feels good to know that you’re out there.
I appreciate you.
Very much.

Have a great weekend.
And if anybody out there knows where George likes to hang out …… please let me know!!!!
🙂

Back ……

2 Replies

…… in my happy place …… New York City.
The weather here is absolutely beautiful. I have the windows open and am enjoying the street sounds as well as the “fresh” air.
I use quotation marks around the word fresh because …… well, because “fresh” may be a relative state.
I love being able to open the windows in the spring and fall. In Houston that would be approximately 2.5 days of the year.
I get a lot more days here in NY, but the more I keep my windows open, the more I have to dust.
And dust a lot.
Like …… every day.
And sometimes it seems/looks heavier than regular dust.
But I try to not think about that as I feel the cool air and listen to the sirens, honking, and music that drifts in through my windows.
Or maybe, slams in through my windows.
You get used to the noise.
Really.
I can sleep with my windows open and the noise doesn’t bother me at all. I wonder if I should make one of those sleep machines that has the ambient noises on it, like the sound of rain, a babbling brook, the ocean waves, etc. and add NYC noise?
I bet one or two people would like it.
Besides me.

I’m currently sitting on my sofa with a worn out puppy laid out next to me.
I know how she feels.
As much as I love this city, sometimes I think it’s trying to kill me.

This morning I went to the MET to take a “class” with some other women from the Manhattan Women’s Club. It’s called MET 101 and it’s 4 sessions. I missed the first two, but made it for today and plan to go next week.
Today we talked about painters from post-something to pre-modern. Or something like that.
Don’t judge me …… my brain holds only so much information now. To learn something new, something old has to fall out.

Anyway, we followed our lecturer (very nice and interesting man) through that museum for 2 hours.
TWO.
HOURS.
Of museum-walking.
Which is TOTALLY different from walking on a street, in a park or around a track.
It’s walk a lot-stop-walk a bit-stop-walk a bit more-stop-walk a lot-stop, etc.
It’s a back-killer.
Or maybe that’s just me.

But it was a very interesting morning, in spite of my screaming back and feet, which I totally ignored as I walked 2 miles back through the park, to the grocery store and then home.
The park was so lovely with tulips and pink budding trees all over the place. A bride and groom were doing their pictures in one spot. Behind them was a group of about 5 young people who were singing/selling their cd’s.
Further down was a group of young men who entertain people all over the city. Either that or they all have clones who do.
They do a lot of gymnastic stuff, including lining up about 7 men from the crowd and having one guy run and flip over them. Kind of like Evil Knievel. If you don’t know who that is, you should be on Instagram now.

There was a guy who was using a stick and string to make those huge bubbles, there were people painting/drawing scenes or caricatures of tourists (because people who live here don’t pay anyone for that).

All in all, it was a great walk on a fabulous day.
In spite of my back.

After I got home from the grocery store I did a work out …… still in spite of my screaming back.
And now I’m paying for it.
Well, not if I don’t move off of the couch.
But I’m not sure how long I can sit here without having to get up to do something useful, like finding the TV remote or going to the bathroom.
TMI?

Gracie got to go on a walk this morning, too. Daughter #3 and the little boy she nannies for took her out. She was less than thrilled that I left her with them, but hopefully she behaved herself soon after.

By the way, I learned how difficult it is to do a workout in a room where your puppy is.
She kept trying to get me to throw her toys, pick her up, jump on my feet, back, legs, etc. and just plain give her my attention.
She was a pain.
And now she’s snoozing.
Like messing up my workout was a huge workout for her.
Sheesh.

So, yesterday before my flight up here, I picked up a People magazine. I didn’t pay much attention to the front of it until right before my flight.
That’s when my heart started slamming into my chest and I think I may have hyperventilated a little.
Because of this:

Oh.
My.
Word.

I have every intention of becoming a serious stalker.
I knew that he had been up here doing something, but I had no idea they were living here.
How did I know that he was up here?
Daughter #3’s BF sent me these, the day after I left last time:

He added, “So … George is here shooting a movie… Just saw him. Thought you should know.”
I wanted to kick him.
The BF, not George.
I mean, how dare he see George?!!!
Yet, I liked the pictures.

So now I’m on the search for George. I’m not sure what the first step should be, but hopefully it doesn’t involve me getting off of this couch.

🙂

P.S. Here’s a picture of Miss Gracie, being excited to find herself back in the city!

The Day is Done ……

4 Replies

…… and we she survived the groomer.

On Thursday I was told that it would take two hours.
This morning, when I dropped her off at 11:00, I was told to pick her up between 3:30 and 4:00. Four and a half to five hours??!!
Holy cow! I didn’t say much, just passed over her treat bag that they had told me to bring so that they could ~~bribe~~ coax her into holding still. She was so nervous that she wouldn’t take one from me.
She’s a lot like me …… definitely not a stress eater.

Since it was going to be such a long appointment, I decided to get some errands done and see a movie, which I did.
I finally saw “Still Alice”. Now, I read that book a few years ago and thought it was very good, though very disturbing …… to me. And depressing.
So, it’s taken me a while to be able to see it. When I know that a movie is going to be horrendously violent, horrifically depressing, or anything that touches too close to home (dead spouses and such), I don’t just run out and see it the first chance I get. I have learned that I need to be in the right frame of mind to see a movie like that.
Some people don’t understand that, and seem to get frustrated over it, but that’s not my problem. I know my mind …… and my heart. And I know that something like that can send me into a tailspin for a few days, and trust me …… tailspins aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.
So if I wait until I’m in a mood to see, and deal with it …… it’s all good.

I’m glad that I had read the book, so I knew what to expect. And really, the main reason I went was to see Julianne Moore’s acting. She’s nominated for an Oscar (which she well deserves) and I wanted to see her for myself.
So I did, and I’m fine.
No tailspin.

It’s the same thing with “American Sniper”. I’d like to see that. But the time hasn’t been right. Knowing the end beyond the end, makes the thought of this much worse.
Also, my father-in-law was a Marine Sniper in WWII. He was shot on Okinawa …… by a Japanese Sniper. Ironic?
I think he spent the better part of 2 years hospitalized and recuperating. He was told he’d never walk again.
But the man is nothing if not stubborn.
(Yes, all six of my kids have a double dose …… ALL of them. Sigh ……)
And he showed them.
He not only walked but farmed his own land for decades. He’s still living on the farm and still putters around out there, though I think he leaves the harvesting to his youngest son. By the way, he’s almost 88 or 89.

I know that I have totally digressed from my original post, but I’m going to digress some more. Just because I think this is a great story.

One day, back in the old days when we had only 4 children (I think. We could’ve had 5 …… maybe.), my in-laws were visiting us down in Texas. I had an appointment to take one of the kids to see our pediatrician. On a whim I asked my FIL if he’d like to come along with me.
Now, you have to know that I have no idea why I did that. I didn’t make a habit of asking him to accompany me anywhere, and if I had, he most likely would’ve said no.
But for whatever reason, I asked …… and he said yes. So we loaded up the one kid (I have no idea which one and it’s not relevant) and off we went. We got out of the car at the office and started walking up to the door.
My FIL read the sign on the door, listing the doctor’s name and said, “Hmmmmmm, ___________. I wonder if he’s any relation to the surgeon I had in the war?”
Now the doctor’s last name was not a common name. So I asked him where that would have been? He couldn’t remember exactly, but knew it was either on the ship, where he was for a very long time, or the hospital in California, where he ended up for a VERY long time.
Suddenly, I remembered that our doctor was in the Naval Reserve, which I told my FIL. “Yes”, he said. His doctor had also been in the Navy.

Now, I knew that our doctor was older, but I didn’t think it was possible that he was THE doctor we were talking about. But I told my FIL that I’d ask him once we got called back.
They called us back and I took my child while my FIL stayed in the waiting room. I don’t know if he was just reading or if we had brought more than one child (though I don’t think so) and he was watching him.

When the doctor came into the exam room, he started to examine my child (which I really think was one of the boys). I cleared my throat and did my best to not sound like a stalker …… and asked, “Was your father in World War II?”
He stopped looking at my child and looked at me.
“Yes”, he said, kind of cautiously.
“Was he a doctor in the war? Either on a ship or in California?”
At this point the doctor was looking quite suspicious of me. Yes, we’d been patients for a few years now, but I guess none of his others had asked about his private life before.
“Yes, he was. Why are you asking?” he said, warily.

“Well, my FIL was a sniper in WWII and was shot on Okinawa. He had surgery on a ship and after several months he ended up in a hospital in California. He said that his surgeon’s name was ________. Your last name.”

He stood up straight and just stared at me for a minute. I wondered if I’d have to perform CPR or something, which would’ve been a bit awkward, since I hadn’t taken a CPR class since I was pregnant with Daughter #1.
His prospects, should his heart have stopped …… did not look good.

Thankfully, he finally looked at me rather incredulously and said that yes, his father had indeed been a surgeon on the USS _______ (if you expect me to remember that then you obviously don’t know me very well), AND in a Naval hospital in California.

He asked where my FIL was and I surprised him with, “In the waiting room.” He could hardly contain his excitement as he followed me back out to the waiting room and met Jim’s dad. Yes, his father really was my FIL’s surgeon/doctor who cared for him back in the day. Way, way, WAY back in the day.
And our pediatrician was over the moon about that. He loved it.
From that point on he always asked how my FIL was when he saw us, whether that was in the office or in a grocery store.
He told his dad about meeting my FIL and his dad always asked about Jim’s dad whenever they saw each other.

I ran into our old doctor sometime last year. We are past the point of pediatricians and he’s long since retired, but he still knows me and stops to inquire about Jim’s dad. He told me that his father had passed away in the last year, but that he always asked about his former patient. He loved the story of us putting two and two together and realizing that it is, indeed, a small world.

There you go.
A wonderful, poignant story.
And it’s true.

And with that …… I shall leave you with before and after pictures of my adorable, precious, precocious puppy. 🙂

Look at all of that hair in her eyes! This is a couple of weeks old, so her hair was even longer that that this morning.

And Voila! She has eyes!! She can see! And she looks a whole lot smaller and weighs less than she did earlier in the day.
She’s just as feisty though. And is chewing on everything she can get her teeth on. Though it’s a bit more difficult now because she’s lost her bottom baby teeth. She’s now gumming everything to death! ROFL!!

I hope you all had a good weekend.
Stay warm.
Or cool.
Whatever floats your boat.

🙂

I Know They Don’t Mean to ……

1 Reply

…… but people can be SO freakin’ insensitive.

Thursday night I went to see this show:

It was cute and fun …… but my heart just wasn’t in it. My sweet friend, Amy had just lost her beautiful 15 year old son. I hadn’t even wanted to leave the apartment, but figured it would be good to get out.
A woman behind me whistled and shouted out during the entire show. The show was ok, but it certainly isn’t even in my top 20. And it was not whistle-worthy, let alone shouting-appropriate.
During intermission she was standing in the aisle, next to my seat, carrying on about what a terrific show it was and what a great time she was having. I was reading the Playbill when she suddenly leaned over, very close to my face and asked, rather pointedly, “Are YOU having a good time?”. I knew that she asked because I wasn’t carrying on and on about it, nor overly clapping.
For about a second I debated on telling her, “A friend of mine lost her son tonight, so NO, I’m not having a particularly good time, thank you.”

But I didn’t. She was clueless. But she also needs to stop and think before she does something like that.
We never know what the person next to us, or in front of us, is going through. We have no right to question their enthusiasm, or any other emotion.
We just need to stop.
And think.

In other news …… it is flippin’ cold here!! It got down to 17 degrees early this morning. It was so cold that I didn’t need to sleep with my window open and it was still 67 degrees in my bedroom when I got up.
So, for one of the first times ever …… I turned the heat on in there.
It’s that cold.

Tomorrow I’m taking Gracie in to get her first grooming. I’m really hoping that she still looks like a precious puppy when I pick her up. I don’t want a “grownup cut” on her … just a trim.
It’s also the first time I’ll be leaving her somewhere, although it’s only 2 hours or so.
I wonder if they’ll have to give her a sedative?
Or maybe me?
🙂

On Wednesday I’m leaving for Tampa and Camp Widow West. It’ll be nice to see everyone, especially friends whom I haven’t seen in too long.

I’d like to say that I’m looking forward to going, but my heart is hurting. When that happens it’s hard to “look forward” to much of anything.
I wish that I could go to Texas and be there for the funeral. I know that my friend won’t really know if I’m there or not, but it feels like I should go.
I checked flights this morning and the news wasn’t great. There’s another storm heading this way so I could very well end up stuck there, when I’m supposed to be leaving from NY on Wednesday.
Finding that out made me cry.
So for the next few days, my body will be in NY, but my heart will most definitely be in Texas.

There are so very many things I don’t understand. Like how a person can seem perfectly fine one minute, and then die a day later from bacterial meningitis, or an aortic dissection.
And why truly good people die, people who would’ve made such a positive impact in our world, while truly evil people live.

But even though I know that I’ll never understand those things, and many more, I will trust God.
I know that He’s led me to this point in my life.
I know that He has a plan for me, even though I sometimes think that this plan sucks.
I don’t have to understand everything, but I’m allowed to question. I’m allowed to cry, scream, and beat my fists upon the floor.
I’m allowed to be human.

And I know, that even in my humanity …… no, because of my humanity, my Father loves me unconditionally.
And that love has been with me in very dark caves, and through the Valley of Death.
I know that it will be with me as long as I live …… and after.

Even those days, like today, when I question Him.

We Survived ……

Picture ……

15 Replies

…… catch up.

Here are my pics from December. If you hated going to your Aunt Mildred’s house and looking at her vacation pictures from the Ozarks, you’d best skip this post.
Don’t say you weren’t warned.

I’m going to post most of these without comments because …… well, I have a high regard for your level of intelligence.
Mostly.

This is Gracie sleeping next to my stuffed raccoon (I love you, Angel!). As you’ll see later, she has a love/hate relationship with it.

These pictures are from an old inn/restaurant the women’s club went to the day we went to Goodspeed Theatre to see “Holiday Inn”. I thought it was a very cool place.

A few of the houses in town:

On the way home we watched the movie on the bus. 🙂

This was a protest after the police were cleared for killing Eric Garner. It got bigger as it approached Columbus Circle. Had I known about it earlier I would’ve joined them.

See? Love/hate. She didn’t know that I was in the room:

“What, me? Nothing. Nothing at all, why do you ask?”

My friend, Lisa, came for a visit. She’s just a wee bit in love with Gracie. She seems to have that effect on people. 🙂

One of her very favorite toys …… a pooper scooper (UN-used!). She loves to show it who’s boss.

This is what she wears when I take her out in the cold:

This was Sting’s show, and he was in it. It was just kind of “eh”, but it was cool to see/hear him.

BTW, that’s him in front.

And that’s him left of the red head. Your left, not his.

This was a 1,000 piece puzzle that Daughter #3’s boyfriend and I put together. Cool!

Our first snow!

First haircut. She absolutely LOVED it! (Can you see the sarcasm actually dripping here?)

Waiting for the elevator before a walk.

I have no idea what she did to earn that. Or how she stole it.

Another trip to a vet, this time here in NY. She got another antibiotic and FINALLY beat that kennel cough.

I gated the tree to keep her away from the pine needles …… because she’s more goat than dog. It ended up being essential to keep her from eating the presents.

Daughter #3 multi-tasking with two babies.

Son #2 playing with Little Bit.

My favorite picture from the entire holiday:

Haircut #2 with a real electric razor. She loved this experience JUST as much as the first.

Doggie jail. And her, trying to eat her way out. Fierce AND part goat.

The Museum of Natural History:

A cool-looking fire station:

The morning I left for California this was the temperature. That night it got down to 9. Degrees.

Daughter #3 sent me this picture of Gracie in her lap, with the caption, “How long till my mom comes home?”

A belated Christmas present.

Columbus Circle

Pooped at the end of a typical day:

Heat escapes from the head, right? 🙂

In a mall. See, it’s not just me.

That’s all of the pics.
For now anyway.
If you’re still with me …… you should find a good book.
Seriously.

OK, I need some advice. So don’t start that book quite yet.
Gracie has a serious case of separation anxiety. It’s really bad. She seemed to be getting better before I went to California and now it’s worse than ever …… and I came back!! I thought they were supposed to feel better when you do that.
Now I can’t leave a room without her right at, or on, my heels. Or whining if she can’t jump down to follow me.
I haven’t gone out as much on this trip because she screams when I leave the apartment. And I do mean scream. It’s ear-piercing.
How do I get her over this? Is there a magic pill or injection for it?! (Notice that I didn’t say “bullet”).
OK, I know there’s no pill or injection, I was joking (and I still didn’t say “bullet”).
If you’ve experienced this, or know someone who has, please give me some advice.

And, on a completely unrelated topic …… getting older sucks.
Remember how I used to have so much trouble with my right shoulder, until I had surgery?
Well, now my left one is hurting like a …… let’s just say it’s very painful.
And here’s the thing: I didn’t do ANYTHING to injure it!! Except for sleep on that side.
No kidding. One night while I was sleeping (I’m a side sleeper but I switch from one to the other throughout the night. Yeah, I am SO well-rested every morning. Dang, there’s that dripping sarcasm again!), it started throbbing. And it hasn’t stopped since.
So I haven’t been able to go to a barre class or play tennis since December, before the stupid sciatica hit me. And we just got up a group of women to play tennis each week.

I’d like to scream but I don’t think it would do much for Gracie’s anxiety.
Or help my shoulder.

Well, it’s time for me to get ready to walk down to Times Square. I’m going to see “On the Town”.
After taking something that’ll help my shoulder withstand carrying a purse, which only has a wallet and a water bottle in it.
And, hoping that the show is entertaining enough to off set the complaints that might be filed due to the blood-curdling screams that’ll be coming from my apartment.
Wish me luck.
🙂

So ……

1 Reply

…… Christmas was good.
Really good.
And though you might not believe it, most of the time you would’ve been hard pressed to know that there were 9 people, a baby and a puppy in the apartment!
In fact, there were a couple of times when one of us noted how quiet/empty the apartment was.
That’s NY for you, Baby!!!
So much to do and see that your apartment doesn’t get cramped.
🙂

All of the kids made it safely.
Son #3 had a slight hiccup with United Airlines and ended up spending in the night in the Dulles Airport. After which he informed me in no uncertain terms that he in now done with that airline.
I didn’t pay too much attention.
I couldn’t blame him, but I still didn’t pay much attention.

Which made him all the more happier when, on his way home, his flight out of here was delayed/cancelled because the pilot didn’t show up for his shift that day.
To that I have to say this: Karma is a bitch, man.
🙂

It all worked out in the end. After several hours the found someone else and he did end up making his connecting flight out of Chicago to Oklahoma, so all’s right with the world.
As long as I don’t book him on United ever, ever again.
I told him that as soon as he had enough cash to buy his own airline tickets he could buy whatever he wanted, but until then, I would continue to go with the best deal.
Then he said, “Fine, I’ll start buying my own.”
Which makes one (or maybe just me) ponder: Where does he think that money will come from? Will it float down from heaven? Will he sell even more plasma??
Oh well, it’s grand to be 20 and oh-so-wise-to-the-ways-of-the-world.

Little Bit did pretty well, for a three old that was totally out of his element. He was a bit fussy at times but he was also chatty and laughing a good deal of the time. He’s such a joy to hold and talk to, especially early in the morning, which seems to be his favorite time.

The kid is growing by leaps and bounds. I think there may have been some items I purchased a few weeks ago that he never got to wear because he’s suddenly busting out!!
But that gives me a good reason to go baby-clothes shopping, so whoop!!!!
He did a great job on the planes and gave his mama some stress-free flight time. I was happy for both of them.

Gracie is doing well and still has my heart wrapped around her little stump of a tail. Mostly.
I’ve got to find out out to train her to stop nipping at everyone with fingers. Especially her two year old friend that Daughter #3 takes care of. He LOVES Gracie and she loves him back with equal abandonment, but she just can’t control her “love bites”.
Help.

OK, I’m going to end this now so that I can go to bed. I’ll go ahead a publish it, but I’m hoping to come back to it and add pictures and stories in the next day or so.
So please ignore all typos.
Please.

Happy New Year, Peeps!

Contrary to Popular Belief ……

12 Replies

…… for at least some people, the 7 (seven) year mark does not mean that I am all better.
That I am healed. That I am over the loss of the other half of me.
That tears do not come now.
That I no longer miss him.

When I think about that last non-friend who posted how I should no longer be mourning Jim, I want to scream. It didn’t affect me like that at the time. I just felt sorry for her.
But now, NOW it pisses me off.
Because who the the hell does she think she is, that she can tell me, ME, the one who had Jim ripped out of her life and her children’s lives, how I’m supposed to feel now. I’d like to punch her in the face right now.
Tonight.
And probably for the next few weeks.

This is the hard time.
Yes, it’s much easier here in NY. SO much easier. But that doesn’t mean that it’s painless. Because it’s not. I still miss him. And I still cry when I type that. Every damn time.

My life is good.
I am happy.
I’m content.
I feel joy.

But I also feel loss.
I feel the hole left in my heart.
I miss him more than I can say.

And I don’t expect that to ever change.
This time of the year will always bring joy and sorrow to my family.
It is what it is.

I loved him with all of my being.
I still love him.
I will always love him.

I never took him for granted.
I knew that I was blessed.
And, truthfully, I never thought for one second, that I deserved him.
I thanked God for him on a daily basis.

And though I didn’t feel worthy, God blessed me with him.

So …… when it comes to thinking of another love …… I doubt very much that that will happen.
Because I know I’m not worthy of two great loves in one life.
You may think differently, but that’s what’s ingrained into my brain. Into the very fiber of my being. I will never have another love as true and as wonderful as Jim.
And really …… I’m mostly ok with that. Because I had a love and a relationship that very few people have.
Which makes me sad. For those people.
But at least I had it.

I can’t expect it to happen again.
So I don’t.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t long for it to happen again.
But I guess I’m a realist. If I was so blessed to have it once, it’s not very likely that I’ll find it again.

Part of me is ok with that. I like doing what I want to do, when I want to do it. I like having all of the closet space. I like having a pretty clean garage.
I like my independence.

But I’d also like to have love and security in my life. The kind of security that comes from having someone who has your back, no matter what.
I miss that.
I miss holding his hand.
I miss falling asleep next to him.
I miss catching his eye from across a room, and feeling the warmth that came with that look.

I miss the family that we had.
Things would be so different if he were still here.
So much better.
But …… it is what it is.
So I try to make it better.
As much as I can.
I don’t have as much power as I wish I had.

So …… that’s all.
I’m happy.
And I’m sad.

I’m content.
And I wish I weren’t alone.

I have a great life.
But I wish I had love.

It is what it is.

Just as it is with everyone else in the world.

By The Light ……

12 Replies

…… of the silvery tree ……

OK, it’s not silvery, but then it’s not a moon, either.

I’m sitting in my dark living room …… which really isn’t dark because the lights on the Christmas tree are twinkling and dancing and preventing the room from really being dark.

I haven’t truly enjoyed sitting in the almost-dark, looking at the tree, for several years now.
But this year, I feel differently.

This was one of Jim’s favorite things about this time of year. After all of the kids were in bed, and after we had turned all of the lights out and were headed to bed, he’d ask me to come and sit in the living room with him …… to just sit and look at the tree …… and the lights.

I can’t see the lights, and not think of him.
I miss sitting on the sofa, his arm wrapped around me, my head on his shoulder.
I miss the silence that actually said so much.

But I’m thankful that I can now sit and enjoy the lights …… and the silence that still says so much.
It says different things now, but I can sit with it …… and be ok.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t miss him.
That doesn’t mean that I’m ok with him being dead.
It just means that I’m ok with enjoying things again …… and enjoying the memories of him.

It’s definitely easier to enjoy this time of year here in New York.
And for that I’m very, very grateful.
There are no memories here, except for the ones I’ve made in my “after”.
I hope that my children feel the same way.

This time of year is a bitch to go through.
In eleven days we’ll hit the seven year mark.
Which, as always, is unbelievable.
But it comes, whether we believe it or not.
Time is kind of relentless like that.

But it’s also nice to be able to sit with the memories.
Instead of being overwhelmed with them.
It’s nice to be able to smile with the remembering.
Instead of being wracked with sobs.

I hope that those of you who can …… will take the time to sit with your loved one …… and enjoy the lights on the tree. And the silence …… that says so much.

And I hope that those of you who can’t …… will be able to sit and enjoy the memories.
❤

It’s Winter’s Eve ……

4 Replies

…… here in NYC.
Or at least, here in my neighborhood.

There was a huge (supposedly the largest in the City) Holiday celebration in and around Lincoln Center and Columbus Circle.
There were tents set up from various local restaurants, bakeries, stores, etc.
I didn’t notice this last year …… and I’m thinking that I must’ve been away that night because there was no way to NOT know about it from inside my apartment.
There were bands playing all around, people singing, dancing and just plain noisily celebrating.
It was great.

This guy was on stilts. Very high stilts. Several people were walking around on them, engaging small children in games of “Catch the Christmas Ball”.
I may, or may not, have just made that up. I have no idea what they were doing, other than throwing a glowing ball and having the kids run for it and bring it back.
Like “Fetch”.
Mostly.

This guy was making an ice sculpture of a nutcracker:

He’s pretty dang good, is he not?

So …… I have to admit …… I have no idea why they call it Winter’s Eve. Winter doesn’t start tomorrow. It starts on December 21st.
Maybe they just mean the eve of winter in general …… the winter season, as it were.
Are you as excited about this topic as I am?
That’s what I thought.
Moving along ……

Gracie and I flew here today. She did pretty well on the plane. She whined but at least she didn’t scream. Her screams are ear-piercing, and I’m quite certain that if she were to start up with that …… we’d both be escorted off of the plane.

So far, so good.

I came home from the lake on Saturday. Everyone else headed home, too.
Son #3 picked his car up from the shop and drove to Dallas to visit a friend.
His car needed a side mirror replaced, all fluids topped off, an oil change, 2 new tires, and some cosmetic work inside.

A few hours after he left I received a text from him with this picture attached:

Yes …… it’s a tire iron.
It came flying off of a semi.
And launched itself here:

Karma can be a real bitch.
Or at least, trucks that don’t have things locked down can.

Of course he wasn’t able to get any info off of the truck. I’m guessing that he was so stunned by the noise that he was lucky to not have a wreck.
I’m thankful that he’s ok.
And hopeful that the damage is just cosmetic and not further beneath.
Life.
So.
Much.
Fun.

Speaking of fun …… my Christmas tree was delivered today.

Last year it wasn’t in a box. But I think this tree is a lot nicer than the one I got last year. Both of them were Groupon purchases.
Sometimes, Groupon totally rocks.

I pulled out all of my Christmas decorations after we set up the tree:
(When I say “we” I mean Daughter #1 and K. They came to spend a day or two here since they didn’t get to see us for Thanksgiving. 🙂 )

That’s the box that contains all of them.
ALL.
That makes me grin.

Here’s how the tree looks now:

I think it looks great and smells even better!

My friend Lisa is flying in tomorrow. She’s never spent time in NY so we’re going to have a blast.
And she’ll return home FULL of Christmas spirit.
As long as the cold weather comes back where it belongs. It was in the high 60’s today when I landed. I was not a happy camper. I’m sick of warm weather.
Thankfully, it rained some tonight and the temps fell about 20 degrees in 2 hours.
Picture me happy.
🙂

Well …… I think that’s all the news I have. Although none of this was really “news”, so much as boring story-telling.
Other than the tire iron thing …… that wasn’t boring.
For anyone.

Night all.
Stay tuned.
🙂

	mysecondplana on 18 ……
	mysecondplana on 18 ……
	Cindy Trammell on 18 ……
	Saundra on 18 ……
	Lorraine on The Lack of Touch ……

My Second Plan A

After my first Plan A ended tragically, and all too soon, I came up with my second Plan A. It took a while, but now I'm ready to live again. And live fully.