There Are Things I Whisper ……

…… only to myself.

There are some pains that can’t be said aloud. Well, technically they could, but societally, they can’t. If I were to say why I feel sad …… why I’ve felt sad for weeks now, there would be angry comments. And I can’t say that I’d blame the commenters.

Yes, I’m a widow.
Yes, Jim was wise and planned ahead for an event we never thought would really happen.
No, I don’t have to work to make ends meet.
Yes, I am blessed.

But financial security doesn’t cure loneliness.
Money can’t help me fill my house with anything but things.
I can’t buy someone to hold me while I sleep and still love me when he sees me in the morning.
(Yes, I’m aware that money certainly can “buy” someone to keep me company …… but that, also, doesn’t cure the loneliness in my heart).

The security I have didn’t help me this morning as I sat in a meeting with my accountant and another guy who helps me …… biting my lip the entire hour to keep the tears from spilling over.
I hate those meetings. I end up depressed for at least a day because they bring back the memories of those first days and all of the meetings I had to attend in the wake of Jim’s death.
And I usually don’t understand much that’s said, which makes me feel sad …… and stupid.
As soon as I get back to my car, the dam breaks and the tears pour forth …… all the way home.

But if I were to tell a group of people how lost I sometimes feel, how “afloat” I am …… how purposeless I feel, I know that the common reaction/thought would be, “Oh, poor you!”, (in a snarky tone.)
I don’t expect or want anyone to feel sorry for me.
I don’t feel sorry for myself …… I just …… miss him.
I miss what we had, what we were …… who I was.

I can only imagine how much more difficult and painful my life would be if I had to struggle financially. I didn’t do anything to deserve this, anymore than I deserved his love.
He just gave it.

I wish that someone had told me about the guilt that comes with each check that’s deposited. It’s difficult to enjoy “death money”. Especially when you’d much rather have that person than a check.

I wonder if I would still feel purposeless if he were alive?
Is this a part of the “empty nest syndrome”? Once our children don’t really need us any longer, is this how we feel?
I think I’d probably still feel that way, though I’m sure it’s magnified by widowhood.

And while I am beyond blessed to be able to live in two wonderful cities, it’s difficult to feel connected in either one.
I know …… poor me, right?

As I’ve said before, and will continue to say, “I am blessed.”
I was “before” and I am in my “after”.
But blessings sometimes come with pain, and tears.
Like childbirth …… and parenting.

Maybe the more we are blessed …… the more susceptible we are to hurt.

Or maybe I just need to find a new “purpose” in my life.
And stop whining.
There, I said it for you.

I knew I should’ve just whispered it to myself.

10 thoughts on “There Are Things I Whisper ……

  1. Janet Sellars

    I hear you Janine. Wish every day my Jim was here to see the work I have put into our/my home to make it a home. It hurts and it sucks.

  2. ashley47

    I’ve been a widow since March 14,1998 and I know the missing never leaves no matter the financial realities. At least you have children.. I was not so fortunate.

  3. Marsha Mack Bilow

    Wow Janine. You said what I’ve been feeling. So hard to explain to someone else but other widows just get it. Looking for the new reason/purpose for my life. Not sure when this will happen or where it will lead me. Don’t feel I really belong any where but yet so blessed by the planning my husband did for “us”. Trying to understand the financial investments and hope I am doing what is right to keep me going until my transition from this life. So much to understand and feeling so lost. Thanks for whispering out loud.;o)

  4. Twyla Davis

    I understand. I’ve been a widow since October 2013. I realized the void I’ve been trying to fill cannot be filled. It’s him that’s missing. Like Ashley47, we had no children. I would give up everything we have to have him here with me. Stuff means nothing without him. I’m in the process of putting our place on the market
    Less is more for me now.

  5. Jennifer Billings

    Your post makes total sense to me. I feel very blessed as well. Though I understand your comments, I hope & pray that I never have to feel them. I love you!

  6. Diana Bagley

    I get it – know exactly what you are saying – that big hole in my heart is not healed. Thank you for saying “out loud”.

  7. Sue Girard

    Thanks for blogging this, my story as well. I should downsize from our modest home on a rural lot, but I don’t want to leave all the “him” that is in every square inch of this place. Then I feel guilty that I’m not doing a good job keeping up all his handiwork–he set the bar high. I should simplify everything; I’m sure he’d understand, but still hard for me to do. I SO feel like I’m adrift–‘the odd woman out’ at almost any gathering. No spouse, no children. Trying to be brave, but its not easy to create a new life meaning when yours disappears.

  8. Aunt Peggy

    You express yourself so well. I can FEEL your pain. I still think you should write a book. Actually you have already written it. Just get it published. It would help so many people. I admire your openness.


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