Tag Archives: happiness

Life is Full of Seasons ……

…… good, bad, fun, boring, happy, content and downright horrendous.

The thing about seasons is …… they come around again and again, though you never know when to expect them.
Or …… what special effects they’ll bring along with them.
And most times …… you don’t know how long they’ll last.

But, I think I can tell you, with some authority, that the bad seasons …… you know, the tear and snot-filled, cold and black, grief-filled seasons …… get shorter and shorter.
Just so you know.

I’ve been in one of those negative seasons for a few months now, though I only admitted it yesterday. The further out I get from Jim’s death, the more it feels like I’m not allowed to have a bad season. “Holy cow, it’s been over 7 years now …… and you’re STILL grieving?!” “Good grief, aren’t you over this yet?!”
“Why aren’t you dating anyone?” “Why aren’t you doing anything to get yourself out there and dating.”

I really have no answers to questions like these. Not nice, polite answers anyway.

Overall, my life is good. Often great.
But there’s always a caveat there, and most people don’t understand that.

My life is great …… as great as it can be without Jim.
That’s a fact.
Or, as I used to tell my kids, “It is what it is”.
I don’t choose to have that missing piece of my joy.
And I can’t replace it. With anything or anyone.
We all know people who’ve tried …… and failed.

Thankfully, for me, I also have God.
Not that He’s always been one of my favorite people (I’m sure He could say the same of me!), but He’s always been there.
Even when I didn’t feel Him.

Most days I can praise and thank Him.
Even when I don’t feel like it.
There’s always something in my life to be thankful about.
Just as there’s always the missing of Jim.

But I had to learn how to choose to be thankful, and choose to praise Him.
It didn’t come back naturally after Jim’s death. And it took me a while.
But I finally reached the point where I could choose to just sit in my grief and let it stunt and rob me of the rest of my life …… or I could choose to start seeing the things/people in my life that I’m thankful for.

The funny thing is …… once you start feeling thankful for a few things, it kind of snowballs. Your eyes open to more and more good things in your life, in spite of …… so much.

So this is what I’ve learned: when the seasons come …… and they DO come …… I need to just sit in them for a bit, let myself feel them, and see if there’s anything new in them. Once I let myself feel them and just “be”, they slowly start to fade. And that’s when I can choose joy.
Not 100% of the time, though ……. I’m no angel and I’m about as far from perfection as one can be. But I’m a work in progress. Sometimes the progress is painstakingly slow, sometimes I catch on quickly.

I am who I am.
And it is what it is.
Grief. It’s not just for anybody.

Here’s What I’ve Realized ……

3 Replies

(source)

…… in the past two days.
Everybody …… absolutely every single person on this earth …… needs to know that they have been missed.
Because being missed means that you matter.
To someone.

Yes, I realize that this seems like a basic piece of knowledge, or maybe it should be. But I’ve found that it’s not really. We all need to be told that we are missed …… and we all need to tell people who matter to us that we miss them.
This is not one of those pieces of information that you can take for granted …… but we do.

Sure, you think that your loved ones know you miss them.
So why bother to get all mushy and tell them, right?
After all, they know.
Right?

No. That’s not right.
We are human beings, and as such, we can be very fragile, no matter how hard we pretend that we aren’t. Because being fragile is negative, isn’t it? We should be strong. Who cares if we’re missed or not missed? We can do just fine on our own, thank you very much.
We just slip on one of the many masks we keep hidden in our closet and voila! No one knows what we look like beneath the mask. No one can see the tears, thankfully.
No one can see that we’re …… God forbid …… human.

And so we help to perpetuate the myth that all is well. We’re all strong. We’re all just fine, thank you very much.
If we’re missed, great. If we’re not, no problem.
If we’re loved, nice. If we’re not, it’s your loss, not ours.

What a load of crap.

I’m just as guilty as anyone else in this category. I miss so very many people. On a daily basis.
Hell, on a second to second basis.
But I rarely tell all of those people how much I miss them.
First of all, it would take all day.
Second of all, what if they don’t miss me back?
Ouch.

I have deeply missed the people at my “old” church. And the responses and comments that I received telling me the same (from my previous post) made me cry.
I didn’t realize until then how much I need to feel missed.
How much I need to feel loved.

There are people in my life who tell me this on a regular basis, as I do them.
I’d say that 99.9% of them are widowed. Or have experienced a profound loss, too.
Once that changes your life forever, you can’t help but love people fiercely and tell them so.

It’s the people in your “before” life that fall into the cracks. There’s no finger of blame to point, I can’t come up with a reason why, it just happens. On both sides.
And that’s a shame.

I need my “before” people in my life.
I need people who knew Jim.
Who knew Jim and Janine.

Yes, it can be a huge relief to have people in my life who only know the “after Janine”, as I’m sure any widowed person feels.
But I think we still need those who knew and loved the “before us”.

I think I’ve been pondering this more lately because my heart has been hurting so much for my sweet friend whose son died recently.
I’ve never experienced the death of a child. And yet, the two of us are connecting with the grief our hearts hold. I’m not sure if it’s because I loved her “before”, or because she’s a single parent and so she’s going through this loss alone. I think it’s probably both.
Her heart not only breaks for the future her son will never have, but for the future she’ll never have with a partner. Both losses are slamming into her on a constant basis.

I always thought that if one of our children died, Jim and I would get through it together. The loss of him was greater than the potential loss of one of our children.
But now, with him gone, the loss of one of my children would …… I can’t even go there.

Yet my friend wakes up there every single day. I want to take her pain away. But I know I can’t.
I want to tell her that things will get better soon. But we both know they won’t.
All I can do is be there for her. Sit with her, listen to her, cry with her.
But she needs more than just me. She needs a boatload of people who can, and will, do this with her.

Grief is exhausting.
And hard to carry alone.
If you know someone who’s carrying it, please help them.
Just offer to sit with them.
Tell them that you love them.
Tell them that you miss them.
Tell them, above all, that you miss their loved one.
Because that matters.

You matter.
Your words matter.
Your feelings matter.
So share them.

And help someone know that they matter.

Life is too precious to do alone.

My Utmost ……

1 Reply

…… and sincerest apologies.
I seem to be the worst blog writer ever.
And I can’t even tell you why.

Well, I mean, I could say that I’ve been busy …… but that’s not a great excuse. I haven’t been all that busy.
If you don’t count traveling.

I did go to Spain last week.

Do you like how I just dropped that like it was a trip to the supermarket?
It was kind of like name-dropping, wasn’t it?
I’m sorry.
Kind of.

Son #1 asked me if I wanted to go to Spain with him for his vacation …… and of course I said, “Of course.”
We had a great time.
Even if he was ultimately trying to kill me.
We traveled all over the country almost every single day.
By train.
I think I may be “traveled out” for a while.
Of course it didn’t help that we flew back to New York yesterday.
And this afternoon I got on another plane and flew to Texas.
Ummmmmmm, yeah …… I have no idea what I was thinking when I planned that one.
Except that I needed to spend more time in Texas.

Gracie and I got home at around 6:30 tonight.
For a dog who didn’t go to Spain, she certainly didn’t have one of her best travel days.
She whined and yelped and cried for the entire trip. Not constantly, but enough that I was pretty tense for 3 and a half hours.
She didn’t sleep at all. She’d sometimes be quiet for maybe 15 minutes, and then she’d let out a high-pitched cry. From under the seat in front of me.
Fortunately the woman who had the middle seat was very kind and didn’t seem to be bothered by her.
And to be fair, she wasn’t all that horrible. I think it’s like when you have a baby on a plane and are tensed by every little cry, thinking everyone around you is hearing the cries and getting fed up.
Or maybe that was just me.

Suffice it to say that she’s not my favorite companion today.
But that’s also because every thirty minutes or so she starts growling and barking at the front door …… like someone’s trying to break in.
It’s very nerve-wracking.
And a wee bit unsettling.
She may be sleeping in the laundry room tonight.

Anyway, my bags are in my room …… still fully packed.
My mailbox is also still fully packed. That’s because it’s been raining non-stop and I haven’t been motivated to go empty it.
I’m also pooped.

Jet leg, plus the time change, plus a nasty cough that has kept me from sleeping soundly over the past two days equals a pooped me.
Fortunately I have a checkup tomorrow so maybe I can get some good cough medicine. You know, the stuff that knocks you out long enough to sleep.
By the way, I picked this cough up in Spain.
Is a cough one of the signs of Ebola?
🙂

Hopefully I’ll get caught up on laundry, groceries, mail, etc. tomorrow so that I can also post some pictures from the trip.

Unless of course I have Ebola.
Although if I have to spend 21 days in quarantine then I guess I’ll have plenty of time to post pics.
See?
Always a silver lining.
🙂

Lions and Tigers and ……

1 Reply

…… dogs! Oh My!!!

This post goes under the file of “Never a dull moment in my life”.
I hope you enjoy it.

Yesterday I flew from freezing-your-nose-off-in-20-minutes-New York, to Houston.
It’s cold here in Houston.
Well, cold in Houston-terms.
Which means less than 40 degrees.

Anyway, I’m going to share with you the oh-so-lovely experience I had on the plane.
I’m just going to paste and copy it from Face Book, which is where I posted it as it was happening.
Grab some cocoa (if you’re in the cold section of the U.S.), and settle in to read a post about something that could only happen to me.
And to this lovable creature:

My first post:

Ok, rudest woman EVER next to me on the plane. She looked at Gracie, then me, and said, “A dog?!” Then looked at her husband and repeated it louder. I said, “They’re allowed on planes.” And she said, “I know they are. I don’t like dogs and I’m NOT sitting next to one!” I said, “You won’t be next to one, she’s in a kennel, under the seat.”
She went up to a flight attendant and insisted they give her another seat. Her husband is sitting across the aisle from her and said that he’d sit here and she said, “That’s not the point!”
I have no idea what her point is. The flight is over sold and someone is coming on board to talk to her.
Oh, she just said she wants ME to be moved! She said, “Why should I be the one inconvenienced?!”
I’m going to go ballistic momentarily.

Yes, every word of that is true.
Within a matter of minutes I had over 30 comments on that post. By the end of the night there were 70.
To say that my friends were outraged would be an understatement.

Here’s the next post:

They basically told her to seat down and deal with it. Her husband is now sitting next to me and she’s going on and on about “she has the right to have the dog on board”, mocking the woman who told her that. She keeps saying, “What about MY rights?!”
I wish they’d just kick her off.
Excuse me, I need to order another Bloody Mary.
Ugh!!!

I never got another Bloody Mary, but I did manage to get a couple of glasses of wine. I should’ve just asked for the bottle.
This post generated over 30 comments. Many friends were hoping that I’d get placed in first class because of this trashy, classless woman.
So I posted this next:

She’s also with a teenage son.
And this is first class. She had them check to see if someone (me) had been upgraded and didn’t deserve to sit here.
I have on headphones and we’re leaving so that’s all … for now.

When we landed, I looked at my FB page and couldn’t believe all of the comments. And I broke into a huge smile as I read all of the p.o.’d comments. My friends had my back. Yes, in a virtual way, but it still felt good. Really good.
Widowed people need to know every once in a while (or more often) that they’re not alone in their feelings.
And I was clearly …… not alone.

Just landed. Her husband was also an ass. I’ll write more later …… I just wanted to say that you guys are the absolute best. Thanks for having my back. You made me smile.

I got home and went through three months of mail, got Gracie situated with food and a clean litter box (which she has mastered 100%, Whoop!!) before crashing for the night. Little did I know that there were an untold number of people waiting with baited breath for my next post.
This morning a friend posted this:

I woke up and checked fb to see if there was the “rest of the story” about the mean people and the pup. Oh my gosh woman, wake up and finish the story. I can’t handle the suspense!!

Unfortunately I hit the ground running this morning and didn’t get on the computer until almost 9:00 p.m. tonight.
I had no idea that I was leaving so many people hanging!

Here is the last post about the “incident”:

Holy moley, you people are impatient!!
So sorry that I didn’t update …. it’s 9:00 pm now and this is the first time all day I’ve been on the computer. And I haven’t unpacked my suitcases yet!!!
OK, here’s what happened next (though I should save this for a blog post!):
After the United spokeswoman told her that there were no other seats and she could switch with her husband, the woman said something nasty about Gracie. The United lady told her that the dog was beneath the seat and would stay there. Insane-lady said, “It had better stay there!”
Do you know how much I wanted to reach down, grab Gracie and throw her onto that woman’s lap?!
My love for Gracie is probably the only thing that kept me from doing that.
Truly.
Her husband sat next to me. Now, in most rows of first class, there’s a small square of floor space in front of you, a larger rectangular space in the middle, and a small square of space in front of the other person.
Gracie and her kennel were in my small square place. My purse/bag was in the larger space, but not taking up all of it.
When he sat down, he looked at my bag and said, “Can you move this and put it above so that I can put my foot there?”
Now, here’s the deal: this guy was maybe 5’4″, and tubby. And that’s being kind.
There’s no way he needed any of that space for his foot, but I bent down, squished my bag to the side, and said, “There. Can you put your foot there?”, knowing full well that he could. He put his foot in the space and that was the end of that. His foot never made it to that space again. And, she leaned over after that and said, very loudly, “Do you have enough room for your feet??!!”
Picture my eyes rolling to the back of my head.
He and I never exchanged another word. As soon as we leveled off, he got up to go to the restroom. As soon as he came out, I got up to go so that he wouldn’t have to get up again to let me out. (Because I’m just that thoughtful of a traveler — even when your wife is a totally insane monster).
As soon as I left the row, Gracie started whining. I had no idea she’d be able to tell that my feet were gone, but she did. Someone else was in the restroom so I had to wait. And she got louder and louder. One of the flight attendants said, “Oh, she as separation anxiety!”, to which I replied, “Yes, she does. I’m trying to hurry.” I was probably out of my seat for a total of 2 – 3 minutes, tops. It was the fastest restroom break ever.
When I came out, he was complaining to a flight attendant, about how he was a million-mile flier and this was a terrible experience. He went on and on about how first class travel just isn’t what it used to be and how horrible it was that United really became Continental with the merger. Funny, he’s the first person I ever heard say that …. everyone else around here says that it’s too bad Continental had to become United.
Anyway …..
He went on and on for quite a while, saying they were on vacation, and it’s just too bad that most airlines don’t have a “real” first class anymore. He tries not to fly on United as much now. Lucky me to get that family on one of their few flights.
They were spending the night in Houston and flying on today …. I didn’t pay enough attention to hear where. At that point I had my headphones firmly in place and was ignoring them.
When we landed and everyone stood up, the woman behind me leaned over and said, “Where’s the dog?”. I pointed under the seat in front of me. The couple across from her leaned over and asked, “Where’s the dog?” The people in front of me turned around to see the dog. It was hilarious. I picked up her kennel, put on the sling I carry her in most of time, took her OUT of the kennel and placed her in the sling. People went nuts. They were oohing and awing. Even people from a few rows back in coach. That woman had made quite a loud scene.
The woman behind me leaned over and said (English was not her first language) …
“They are both bitches!”
People came up to me as I walked through the terminal towards the luggage area and commented on Gracie and those idiotic people. It was hilarious.
I knew that Gracie would be the topic of a few car rides last night.
I could see those bozos on the opposite side of the luggage carousel, and they kept staring at me … or maybe at Gracie, but I ignored them.
So there you go. The rest of the story.
It’s no Paul Harvey story, but it’s mine.
Thank you again, all of you, for being so irate for me.
It meant a lot.

So there you go.
Never a dull moment.
I have to tell you that I really did consider taking a picture of this broad, but just didn’t care enough to do it.
Her husband seemed to be trying to calm her down and get her to be a bit quieter in the beginning, but she kept claiming that she had every reason to be upset. Her teenage son didn’t say much during the whole thing, though I did hear him say to her (once she sat next to him), “Mom, I can’t even tell that there’s a dog over there.”
She ignored him.

I’m not sure why these kind of things happen to, or around me, other than to keep all of you entertained.
And if that’s the only reason, then I’m happy to oblige.
🙂
And for all of my tennis friends out there, and you know who you are …… I’m glad that I didn’t have to go all “Hold my hoops!!!!” on her.
I totally would’ve won.
Totally.

Happy Monday, Peeps.
🙂

The Day is Done ……

4 Replies

…… and we she survived the groomer.

On Thursday I was told that it would take two hours.
This morning, when I dropped her off at 11:00, I was told to pick her up between 3:30 and 4:00. Four and a half to five hours??!!
Holy cow! I didn’t say much, just passed over her treat bag that they had told me to bring so that they could ~~bribe~~ coax her into holding still. She was so nervous that she wouldn’t take one from me.
She’s a lot like me …… definitely not a stress eater.

Since it was going to be such a long appointment, I decided to get some errands done and see a movie, which I did.
I finally saw “Still Alice”. Now, I read that book a few years ago and thought it was very good, though very disturbing …… to me. And depressing.
So, it’s taken me a while to be able to see it. When I know that a movie is going to be horrendously violent, horrifically depressing, or anything that touches too close to home (dead spouses and such), I don’t just run out and see it the first chance I get. I have learned that I need to be in the right frame of mind to see a movie like that.
Some people don’t understand that, and seem to get frustrated over it, but that’s not my problem. I know my mind …… and my heart. And I know that something like that can send me into a tailspin for a few days, and trust me …… tailspins aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.
So if I wait until I’m in a mood to see, and deal with it …… it’s all good.

I’m glad that I had read the book, so I knew what to expect. And really, the main reason I went was to see Julianne Moore’s acting. She’s nominated for an Oscar (which she well deserves) and I wanted to see her for myself.
So I did, and I’m fine.
No tailspin.

It’s the same thing with “American Sniper”. I’d like to see that. But the time hasn’t been right. Knowing the end beyond the end, makes the thought of this much worse.
Also, my father-in-law was a Marine Sniper in WWII. He was shot on Okinawa …… by a Japanese Sniper. Ironic?
I think he spent the better part of 2 years hospitalized and recuperating. He was told he’d never walk again.
But the man is nothing if not stubborn.
(Yes, all six of my kids have a double dose …… ALL of them. Sigh ……)
And he showed them.
He not only walked but farmed his own land for decades. He’s still living on the farm and still putters around out there, though I think he leaves the harvesting to his youngest son. By the way, he’s almost 88 or 89.

I know that I have totally digressed from my original post, but I’m going to digress some more. Just because I think this is a great story.

One day, back in the old days when we had only 4 children (I think. We could’ve had 5 …… maybe.), my in-laws were visiting us down in Texas. I had an appointment to take one of the kids to see our pediatrician. On a whim I asked my FIL if he’d like to come along with me.
Now, you have to know that I have no idea why I did that. I didn’t make a habit of asking him to accompany me anywhere, and if I had, he most likely would’ve said no.
But for whatever reason, I asked …… and he said yes. So we loaded up the one kid (I have no idea which one and it’s not relevant) and off we went. We got out of the car at the office and started walking up to the door.
My FIL read the sign on the door, listing the doctor’s name and said, “Hmmmmmm, ___________. I wonder if he’s any relation to the surgeon I had in the war?”
Now the doctor’s last name was not a common name. So I asked him where that would have been? He couldn’t remember exactly, but knew it was either on the ship, where he was for a very long time, or the hospital in California, where he ended up for a VERY long time.
Suddenly, I remembered that our doctor was in the Naval Reserve, which I told my FIL. “Yes”, he said. His doctor had also been in the Navy.

Now, I knew that our doctor was older, but I didn’t think it was possible that he was THE doctor we were talking about. But I told my FIL that I’d ask him once we got called back.
They called us back and I took my child while my FIL stayed in the waiting room. I don’t know if he was just reading or if we had brought more than one child (though I don’t think so) and he was watching him.

When the doctor came into the exam room, he started to examine my child (which I really think was one of the boys). I cleared my throat and did my best to not sound like a stalker …… and asked, “Was your father in World War II?”
He stopped looking at my child and looked at me.
“Yes”, he said, kind of cautiously.
“Was he a doctor in the war? Either on a ship or in California?”
At this point the doctor was looking quite suspicious of me. Yes, we’d been patients for a few years now, but I guess none of his others had asked about his private life before.
“Yes, he was. Why are you asking?” he said, warily.

“Well, my FIL was a sniper in WWII and was shot on Okinawa. He had surgery on a ship and after several months he ended up in a hospital in California. He said that his surgeon’s name was ________. Your last name.”

He stood up straight and just stared at me for a minute. I wondered if I’d have to perform CPR or something, which would’ve been a bit awkward, since I hadn’t taken a CPR class since I was pregnant with Daughter #1.
His prospects, should his heart have stopped …… did not look good.

Thankfully, he finally looked at me rather incredulously and said that yes, his father had indeed been a surgeon on the USS _______ (if you expect me to remember that then you obviously don’t know me very well), AND in a Naval hospital in California.

He asked where my FIL was and I surprised him with, “In the waiting room.” He could hardly contain his excitement as he followed me back out to the waiting room and met Jim’s dad. Yes, his father really was my FIL’s surgeon/doctor who cared for him back in the day. Way, way, WAY back in the day.
And our pediatrician was over the moon about that. He loved it.
From that point on he always asked how my FIL was when he saw us, whether that was in the office or in a grocery store.
He told his dad about meeting my FIL and his dad always asked about Jim’s dad whenever they saw each other.

I ran into our old doctor sometime last year. We are past the point of pediatricians and he’s long since retired, but he still knows me and stops to inquire about Jim’s dad. He told me that his father had passed away in the last year, but that he always asked about his former patient. He loved the story of us putting two and two together and realizing that it is, indeed, a small world.

There you go.
A wonderful, poignant story.
And it’s true.

And with that …… I shall leave you with before and after pictures of my adorable, precious, precocious puppy. 🙂

Look at all of that hair in her eyes! This is a couple of weeks old, so her hair was even longer that that this morning.

And Voila! She has eyes!! She can see! And she looks a whole lot smaller and weighs less than she did earlier in the day.
She’s just as feisty though. And is chewing on everything she can get her teeth on. Though it’s a bit more difficult now because she’s lost her bottom baby teeth. She’s now gumming everything to death! ROFL!!

I hope you all had a good weekend.
Stay warm.
Or cool.
Whatever floats your boat.

🙂

We Survived ……

So ……

1 Reply

…… Christmas was good.
Really good.
And though you might not believe it, most of the time you would’ve been hard pressed to know that there were 9 people, a baby and a puppy in the apartment!
In fact, there were a couple of times when one of us noted how quiet/empty the apartment was.
That’s NY for you, Baby!!!
So much to do and see that your apartment doesn’t get cramped.
🙂

All of the kids made it safely.
Son #3 had a slight hiccup with United Airlines and ended up spending in the night in the Dulles Airport. After which he informed me in no uncertain terms that he in now done with that airline.
I didn’t pay too much attention.
I couldn’t blame him, but I still didn’t pay much attention.

Which made him all the more happier when, on his way home, his flight out of here was delayed/cancelled because the pilot didn’t show up for his shift that day.
To that I have to say this: Karma is a bitch, man.
🙂

It all worked out in the end. After several hours the found someone else and he did end up making his connecting flight out of Chicago to Oklahoma, so all’s right with the world.
As long as I don’t book him on United ever, ever again.
I told him that as soon as he had enough cash to buy his own airline tickets he could buy whatever he wanted, but until then, I would continue to go with the best deal.
Then he said, “Fine, I’ll start buying my own.”
Which makes one (or maybe just me) ponder: Where does he think that money will come from? Will it float down from heaven? Will he sell even more plasma??
Oh well, it’s grand to be 20 and oh-so-wise-to-the-ways-of-the-world.

Little Bit did pretty well, for a three old that was totally out of his element. He was a bit fussy at times but he was also chatty and laughing a good deal of the time. He’s such a joy to hold and talk to, especially early in the morning, which seems to be his favorite time.

The kid is growing by leaps and bounds. I think there may have been some items I purchased a few weeks ago that he never got to wear because he’s suddenly busting out!!
But that gives me a good reason to go baby-clothes shopping, so whoop!!!!
He did a great job on the planes and gave his mama some stress-free flight time. I was happy for both of them.

Gracie is doing well and still has my heart wrapped around her little stump of a tail. Mostly.
I’ve got to find out out to train her to stop nipping at everyone with fingers. Especially her two year old friend that Daughter #3 takes care of. He LOVES Gracie and she loves him back with equal abandonment, but she just can’t control her “love bites”.
Help.

OK, I’m going to end this now so that I can go to bed. I’ll go ahead a publish it, but I’m hoping to come back to it and add pictures and stories in the next day or so.
So please ignore all typos.
Please.

Happy New Year, Peeps!

Why Do I Always Forget ……

3 Replies

…… that I don’t really care for this day?

I’m not sure if I’ve ever written about it. I certainly haven’t spent much time thinking about it. But yet when I look back, this day has traditionally been a difficult day to get through.
At least for the last 7 years.

I think it gets forgotten in the shadows of the December days. Maybe I’m always so focused on getting through those that I totally forget about this one.

It should be a good day. A day of hope. A day of new beginnings. A day of promises.
It should be.
That’s what I’m told.

Good Christians shouldn’t be depressed on New Year’s Day, right?
We should keep those sad thoughts out and focus on being positive.
And shame on us if we don’t.

So shame on me …… because I don’t.
And I’m not going to pretend otherwise.
Funny …… I think God understands.

Yes, my life is mostly good.
Yes, I am mostly happy.
Yes, all of my children are healthy.
Yes, I get to live in New York.
Yes, it’s been seven years since Jim died.
Yes, I know I’m not alone.

But loneliness can sneak its way in …… even when you’re not alone.
Even among a room full of people.
Sometimes especially in a room full of people.

Another year of being one.
Which isn’t always bad.
But many times feels that way.

Of course, it doesn’t help that this apartment went from the hustle and bustle of about 7 to 10 people, to just me and the puppy today.
The hardest part of all that …… was saying goodbye to Daughter #2 and Little Bit this morning.
It was the hardest because it was probably the last time I’ll see him. The last time I’ll hold him.
The last time I’ll see him break into a smile when he sees my face.
I hate good byes.

Daughter #2 still has more time with him. How much time is unknown, but probably not a lot. So I worry about her and my heart breaks for the good bye she’ll have to face.

When you love someone …… there will be pain.
But the depth and breadth of that love …… makes the pain worth it.
I would certainly do it all over again …… knowing the outcome would be the same.
And I have no doubt that Daughter #2 would do it all again. In fact, she will be doing it all again. Over and over, most likely.
She has an abundance of love to give.

It was very quiet around here today.
Too quiet.
So I decided to make myself get out and be distracted.
Which is difficult to do because it means leaving behind a screaming puppy.
And I do mean screaming.

It’s so much easier to just stay in and do nothing when I’m feeling depressed. And I struggled with it today. But I knew that I really had to get out of this apartment, or I’d just sit and cry all day thinking about the way things should’ve been.
And thinking about Jim’s birthday that’s coming up on Wednesday. And how he’ll never be a day older than 47.
Which makes me sad and pisses me off all at the same time.
Thankfully I’m flying to California that day so that’ll be somewhat of a distraction.

Oh, that reminds me …… I got distracted from telling you what my distraction was today.
I know you’re shocked.
I went to see “Into the Woods”.
I liked it very much.
I wish it could’ve ended 40 minutes earlier than it did …… but I still liked it.
Meryl Streep is a hoot.
I know you’re shocked again.

The movie helped.
I’m not feeling as down as I was.
I’m glad that I forced myself to get out.
Screaming puppy and all.
My neighbors? Probably not so much.

Hopefully I’ll remember ahead of time that this day just isn’t the greatest. And I’ll schedule some distractions in advance.

I may need a reminder to remember.
The trouble is …… most of my friends would need a reminder to remind me.
Sigh ……
🙂

Lights in the Dark ……

13 Replies

…… can light up anyone’s face.

Last night I went to Brooklyn with several women from the Manhattan Women’s Club (remember, not as fancy/snobby as it sounds, I promise). We went to look at Christmas lights in Dyker Heights. Don’t worry, I’d never heard of it either, but wow! Check it out here.

Here are some pictures:

One of the neat things about all of those lights, aside from the fact that I don’t have to pay those electric bills, is the look on people’s faces when they see each house. It’s like you can’t help but smile when you see the decorations and all of those lights.

Light dispels darkness in more ways than one.

And light comes in more ways than one.

Today my Facebook page has been a huge light on what could be a dark day.
So has my cell phone.
The comments and texts today have been so full of love and support that I’ve been speechless, which of course is no easy feat.

I hadn’t expected so many people to post on my page.
I hadn’t expected all of the loving and kind words.
I hadn’t expected so much light.

Seven years.
Seven sometimes-very-slow-years.
Seven sometimes-faster-than-the-speed-of-light-years.
Or so it seems.

Seven years that I never want to re-live.
Ever.

I’m thankful to be on this side of that valley.
The voyage out wasn’t pretty …… to put it mildly.
It was bloody, and messy and ugly.
It was horrible.
And it took a long time.
But it’s good to be out.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have my moments.
I’ll always have moments.
And I’m ok with that.
Because moments are sure better than that valley.

So to all of you who gave me light today …… thank you. From the bottom of my heart …… thank you.
You helped make this day the easiest one yet.
I love you.
Each one of you.
More than I can say.

Thank you for filling my day with light.
And thank you for filling my heart with love.
I.
Am.
Blessed.
❤

Contrary to Popular Belief ……

12 Replies

…… for at least some people, the 7 (seven) year mark does not mean that I am all better.
That I am healed. That I am over the loss of the other half of me.
That tears do not come now.
That I no longer miss him.

When I think about that last non-friend who posted how I should no longer be mourning Jim, I want to scream. It didn’t affect me like that at the time. I just felt sorry for her.
But now, NOW it pisses me off.
Because who the the hell does she think she is, that she can tell me, ME, the one who had Jim ripped out of her life and her children’s lives, how I’m supposed to feel now. I’d like to punch her in the face right now.
Tonight.
And probably for the next few weeks.

This is the hard time.
Yes, it’s much easier here in NY. SO much easier. But that doesn’t mean that it’s painless. Because it’s not. I still miss him. And I still cry when I type that. Every damn time.

My life is good.
I am happy.
I’m content.
I feel joy.

But I also feel loss.
I feel the hole left in my heart.
I miss him more than I can say.

And I don’t expect that to ever change.
This time of the year will always bring joy and sorrow to my family.
It is what it is.

I loved him with all of my being.
I still love him.
I will always love him.

I never took him for granted.
I knew that I was blessed.
And, truthfully, I never thought for one second, that I deserved him.
I thanked God for him on a daily basis.

And though I didn’t feel worthy, God blessed me with him.

So …… when it comes to thinking of another love …… I doubt very much that that will happen.
Because I know I’m not worthy of two great loves in one life.
You may think differently, but that’s what’s ingrained into my brain. Into the very fiber of my being. I will never have another love as true and as wonderful as Jim.
And really …… I’m mostly ok with that. Because I had a love and a relationship that very few people have.
Which makes me sad. For those people.
But at least I had it.

I can’t expect it to happen again.
So I don’t.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t long for it to happen again.
But I guess I’m a realist. If I was so blessed to have it once, it’s not very likely that I’ll find it again.

Part of me is ok with that. I like doing what I want to do, when I want to do it. I like having all of the closet space. I like having a pretty clean garage.
I like my independence.

But I’d also like to have love and security in my life. The kind of security that comes from having someone who has your back, no matter what.
I miss that.
I miss holding his hand.
I miss falling asleep next to him.
I miss catching his eye from across a room, and feeling the warmth that came with that look.

I miss the family that we had.
Things would be so different if he were still here.
So much better.
But …… it is what it is.
So I try to make it better.
As much as I can.
I don’t have as much power as I wish I had.

So …… that’s all.
I’m happy.
And I’m sad.

I’m content.
And I wish I weren’t alone.

I have a great life.
But I wish I had love.

It is what it is.

Just as it is with everyone else in the world.

	mysecondplana on 18 ……
	mysecondplana on 18 ……
	Cindy Trammell on 18 ……
	Saundra on 18 ……
	Lorraine on The Lack of Touch ……

My Second Plan A

After my first Plan A ended tragically, and all too soon, I came up with my second Plan A. It took a while, but now I'm ready to live again. And live fully.

Tag Archives: happiness

Life is Full of Seasons ……

Here’s What I’ve Realized ……

My Utmost ……

Lions and Tigers and ……

The Day is Done ……

We Survived ……

So ……

Why Do I Always Forget ……

Lights in the Dark ……

Contrary to Popular Belief ……