…… can sometimes happen at the same time. Probably rarely.
Though all it takes is once.
I’ve been binge watching “The Gilmore Girls” for the past several weeks. I finished the 7th, and final original season yesterday and started the new episodes on Netflix today. Yesterday was the day I was transported. And then it happened again today.
Yesterday it was during Episode 13, Season 7. The father/grandfather had a massive heart attack and then went into surgery. While he was in there his daughter and granddaughter went to his house to pack a bag for his wife …… their mother/grandmother.
Jim didn’t have a heart attack, but he did go into major heart surgery. And some of my children went back to the house to pack a bag for me. Because I’d be staying in the hospital with him for the 6 to 7 days of recuperation the surgeon had told us to expect.
As I watched the scene of them wondering what to pack, my heart broke all over again for my children, who had to wonder what to pack for me. I don’t know if they were as positive as I was that I’d be home with their dad in a week. I don’t know if they tried hard to keep their minds occupied on the task at hand, rather than on their father in surgery.
Not knowing any of that didn’t make that episode easier to watch. It was difficult. I didn’t know the outcome of that episode …… I know that the actor who played that role (father/grandfather) died in 2014 …… but I didn’t know if they killed off his character before then.
It turns out they didn’t. So the wife (mother/grandmother) got to use the lovingly packed suitcase. She stayed at the hospital for the days that it took for him to recuperate and then get discharged. She was lucky.
She got to use the suitcase.
My suitcase remained unused. It was lovingly and hurriedly packed …… all to no avail. Jim never made it out of surgery.
Not alive anyway.
I didn’t see the transporting coming. It just happened. One minute I was in my living room, watching a TV show, the next minute I was invisible in my former home, watching my daughters trying to figure out what to pack in a suitcase for me.
It was surreal, to say the least.
Then today I started the new episodes …… where the dad/grandfather has just died because the actor died. The funeral, the grief …… it was all there.
And it was sad. As it should’ve been.
Transported …… again.
It must be noted that yesterday was the 9th of December. A full two weeks and a day past Thanksgiving. For those who know the meaning of that, this is huge. For those that don’t, the “death march” towards December 18th, the day Jim died, usually begins with Thanksgiving. For the last 9 years it’s been a holiday I’ve mostly dreaded …… because I know what comes closely on its heels. Most of the time it’s completely unconscious. I know that those of you who haven’t experienced the death of a spouse or child can’t understand that, but trust me, it’s true. The body remembers things that the mind tries to forget.
But this year, this year I looked forward to Thanksgiving. And I happily decorated the house, by myself. I realized what the days were/are leading to, but I felt ok. And feeling ok feels pretty great compared to the usual.
So the fact that I made it to December 9th without feeling my body going through the “death march” is fantastic. And even though I shed tears yesterday, and today, I still feel ok. Don’t get me wrong …… that doesn’t mean I don’t think about Jim, don’t miss Jim, don’t long for Jim, don’t love Jim just as much …… I think it just means …… I’m happy. And I can feel sadness in the midst of happiness.
I think it also helps that I get to spend significant time with a certain 2 year old (2 sleepovers in a row this weekend!). And while he keeps me busy, and mostly makes me laugh …… it also breaks my heart that he “knows” who Grandpa is, but doesn’t know Grandpa. Nor Grandpa him. As far as I know, anyway. I’d like to think that Grandpa sees him …… and knows him.
So, be careful while you’re binging.
You never know where you might end up.
Been thinking about you this week knowing you were on “the march”. Still amazes me that my body knows the calendar better than my mind. I think the whole transporting/trigger thing is one of the main reasons I don’t watch much TV anymore. Too many minefields to navigate. Either it’s an old show or movie that we watched together, or something happens that reminds me of what we went through, or that he is not here, or what he is missing. Sigh. Sending lots of love to you this month. So glad you are feeling the happy and not just the sad this year. And give that baby as many snuggles as you can – nothing like baby time to soothe the soul. Love you and miss you.
Sweetest cousin!!! Of alllll my cousins!! (YES!! I’m saying it! Let them come and comment-lol!) so I hope you read this… because I don’t FB anymore.. but I DO read your blog? (If that’s what we call it… sounds ugly… I call it “Beauty”)… I’m not sure there has been one yet I have not shed a tear… from a feeling of sorrow or “joy”… (had to put myself in quotes! HA!) But what I treasure THE MOST is how close I feel to my AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, BRILLIANT cousin… that I never really knew…. I can NOT thank you enough for THAT gift!! Your BEAUTIFUL FAMILY that I feel I know now…. I just… love you!!
You truly are joy! I feel the same way about you. I have missed you on FB, but understand. I’m glad you’re out there, still reading.
I love you!! ❤️